The Challenge: Double Agents Power Rankings — Week 16

Welcome back to another batch of Power Rankings!!! Jump out of that plane and parachute on in! Inside this week’s edition: Big T and I go to brunch, we break down the top five things Nany said last week, Brad Pitt drops a truth bomb on Kam, and much much more…

20) Mechie (Eliminated)

19) Theresa (E)

18) Amber M. (E)

17) Lolo (E)

16) Josh (E)

15) Devin (E)

14) Nam (E)

13) Gabby (E)

12) Darrell (E)

11) Aneesa (Last Week: 8)

Aneesa’s exit officially represents the end of the “Middle 10” competitors. Not only that, but I’m going to be writing about Aneesa again after Thursday night, so I have to save some bullets in the chamber. So let me think of a way to mail this in…Wait a minute…is that the sound of a Brian’s Bombastic Breakdown (TM) I hear stampeding this way?!

It sure is!

This group of ten fallen soldiers is split evenly down the middle between rookies and vets. I want to really dive deep on this batch of rookies before hitting the well-worn vets. Let’s focus on a simple question that is truly the crux of any discussion surrounding a crop of rookies on any season. Who do we really expect/want to see again? Because why not, I’m going to assign them scores out of ten for each of those qualifiers and let’s see where we get.

Mechie? I mean, I’d be all for some more Mechie content in my life as I think there’s some untapped potential there, but his impact on the goings-on in the house on what we saw of Double Agents was essentially the same as mine. I watched the episodes at home…so…Expect to: 3/10…Want to: 6/10…Total: 9

Amber M? I feel like Amber B. wants her back the most, entirely for personal reasons. But as the fans? She tried her hardest to stir the pot as much as she could, but on this end of the TV screen it mostly just fell flat…Expect to: 6/10…Want to: 4/10…Total: 10

Lolo? This one’s complicated. The chaos agent inside of me would invite her back for every show, film them all back to back for like three years straight, not allow her access to work-out equipment, and put a shock collar on her that activates every time she says the word “Olympics” or “athlete” just to see what happens. Lolo went from most intriguing casting decision of all time to the most bizarre rookie season of all time. Which, I’d say is about where we should have expected…Expect to: 1/10…Want to: 10/10…Total: 11

Nam? Talk about deserving of a second chance. This show needs an injection of energy in an almost alarming way. So I’m not sure he’s exactly the punch in the arm we need. But he at least deserves a non-Lolo shot at this thing, just as an apology…Expect to: 8/10…Want to: 5/10…Total: 13

Gabby? Her rookie season was a lot like a Fourth of July BBQ without any fireworks. Sure, we had a good time. Ate some potato salad, played bags, made some memories. But I really wanted to see some shit blow up in the sky because that’s what America’s all about or, ya know, something like that. I’m not unhappy on the Uber ride home, I’m just feel like some piece was missing to tie it all together…Expect to: 9/10…Want to: 6/10…Total: 15

So what did that exercise teach us? Honestly? Nothing at all. But it’s Sunday and what the hell else do you have to do?

The vets, on the other hand, are on the opposite side of the spectrum. We know them, almost too well.

Theresa’s extremely done with The Challenge, she’s got another kid on the way and injuries have taken a toll otherwise. But out of the four remaining (Josh, Devin, Darrell, and Aneesa) I would expect to see all of them plenty of times in the future. Some for better (Devin), some for worse (you already know), and some of them in like four days.

Say your final goodbyes, gentlemen. Some of these people you will never see again.

10) Amber (LW: 10)

“Lucky for you, because we didn’t put parachutes in anyone’s bags. Just my dirty laundry, Amber, the whites. That’s right. I’m TJ Lavin, and welcome to The Challenge: Death Drop”

9) Big T (LW: 11)

For real though, Big T was the only one who had the right idea that day. They were too high in the air. You know why? Because humans are meant to be on the ground. People who voluntarily skydive are wild to me.

Does that make me a pussy chicken (shout out Turbo)? Absolutely. Absolutely it does. That’s okay, I own that. I don’t even like scary movies. Being spooked is not my idea of a good time.

In real life I feel as though Big T and I would get along well. We’d meet up for an early Saturday patio brunch because everyone else is asleep. We’d eat quiche, drink bellini’s and make snooty comments about the people walking along the street. Then Mechie, Kyle, and Nany would show up, we’d order a round of Vegas Bombs and then I would wake up because that’s obviously too good of a thought to ever be anything besides a dream.

Expectation management is the key to happiness everyone.

8) Kyle (LW: 9)

Nobody’s had a bigger rise and fall than Kyle this season. He’s been on the same ride as Robert DeNiro in Casino. At first, was just a foot solider working for the man (partnered with Nany), took his shot when it came and ran the casino to great success and riches (getting his Gold Skull, stealing Kam, having success in the daily challenges, feeling powerful), to everything slowly falling apart, his empire collapsing, his wife leaving him for a dirtbag, and his friends getting whacked (Devin going home, getting betrayed by CT stealing Kam from him, being saddled with Aneesa as a partner).

But now the remaining Amber has washed up on his shores. Together they form the pair with the least power in the house. Next week, unless he wins, he is all but assured to be going into elimination. The huns are at the gate, and he’s facing true adversity for the first time in awhile. How’s Kyle going to handle it?

(That was the biggest stretch I’ve ever made for an analogy. It may have been terrible and stupid, but I got there, and I’m proud of myself. I apologize to any and all of you that hated that and now therefore hate me. I’ll get it back, I promise.)

7) Cory (LW: 7)

Nobody does the “serious conversations while dressed like a goofball” move quite like The Challenge.

This is a million dollar conversation. My most expensive conversations are when I decide whether or not to pay a nine dollar and eighty five cent fee plus tax to have tacos delivered to my apartment. Look how focused they are. As they should be! Again, million dollar conversations. And then look at Cory’s headband.

This show rules.

6) Mature Nany (LW: 6)

Mature Nany was out in full force this episode. She was on her soapbox just spitting out deep cut philosophical takes to anyone who wanted them. Does that mean I have to rank the top five things Nany said in this episode? Yes! Of course it does…

5) “It’s his energy. Fessy can be an awesome athlete individually, but if you don’t have good team chemistry it doesn’t matter” Easily could have just said “There’s no I in team”, but she’s not a pee-wee football coach. Could you imagine if she was? That’s a reality show I want to watch. Nany coaching pee-wee football…I’m already getting distracted…

4) “This whole season, Aneesa’s been saying Fessy’s a hard person to work with, and I’m really starting to understand what she meant by that” In the past, Aneesa and Nany both would have hooked up with Fessy like months ago, so their partnership and this quote would have had a much different vibe.

3) “Aneesa’s social game, is just a game. Whereas my social game, is real.” While it’s mostly composed of useless phrases and nonsense, this might be low-key the most cutting thing Nany’s ever said about someone.

2) “Here’s the thing though, like they are two very different kinds of animals. Like, Fessy is the type that’ll hire a hitman to do his work. Whereas CT will end your life with his bare hands type of shit.” This is the most insightful thing Nany’s ever said. Shout out to the use of “whereas” twice in one confessional sitting. Also, for curiosity’s sake, what are the legitimate chances CT has in fact ended someone’s life with his bare hands? 20%? 30%? Nothing would surprise me, honestly.

1) “You know the fight is getting serious when CT rips off his wig” Winner, winner, ram testicle dinner.

5) Fessy (LW: 5)

What an incredibly hot take. This is what First Take would be like if ESPN covered The Challenge.

“Coming up after the break, is Cory elite?”

Fessy’s been on almost two season’s in entirety now. And yet he still doesn’t realize that The Challenge isn’t the NFL Combine. I’m sure you can run a shuttle drill faster than CT. And maybe do more bench-press reps at 225 than him as well. But until he realizes that the things he was measured on as a football player are not directly correlated to The Challenge, he’s never gonna win.

*cut to three weeks from now if Fessy somehow wins the Final*

See, I told you guys Fessy was awesome. Ya’ll are haters.

4) CT (LW: 2)

Something about dressing up for a party just gets CT going. One small detail hardcore fans know about the night he proved Nany’s theory correct and tried murdering Adam with his bare hands, is that it happened on “wear a silly costume night” at the house. Adam’s wearing a onesie while running for his life.

Don’t mess with CT on dress up night, it’s just not safe.

3) Kaycee (LW: 4)

The thing I respect about Kaycee the most is her dedication to the plain black T/chain hanging out look. This season that is the base level of her wardrobe and she builds out from there.

You know why I respect it so much? Because it’s exactly how I dress. Black v-neck with a gold chain is my Superman outfit. Between this and the next great American rock band Finally Relating To Fessy, I’m beginning to question my sense of self a little bit.

It’s late in the season, things are starting to get squirrelly over here.

2) Leroy (LW: 3)

My guy Leroy is putting on a clinic this season. He’s waxing everybody who wants it. Nobody’s had shittier partner luck on this show outside of Sarah, so even though he’s dating the strongest girl in the house and partnered with the other one, I don’t have time for nuance when judging Leroy’s success on his last ride.

Suck it, everybody. Leroy’s going down swinging. The last five guys are absolutely stacked, so once it’s go-time it won’t be easy for him. But, again, fuck nuance. Let’s ride Roy Lee!

1) Kam (LW: 1)

She’s been running this game with barely a bump in the road since basically the beginning. Like, comfortably running it. But we can’t ignore the fact that it’s been extremely helpful how many of the strong women left for a myriad of reasons.

But it’s important to give credit where credit’s due. She also pulled this off on War of the Worlds 2 (the last time we saw her). This two season run by her is an all-timer from a politics standpoint. But she was on the losing team last time(though not exactly her fault) so…well, let’s let Brad Pitt explain…