The Challenge Pluto Rewind: Rivals 3 Episode 4 — Winners & Losers
Welcome to a fresh Pluto Rewind!!! This time around we have an episode of Rivals III titled “I’m Going Home”. Inside this edition: Wes loses his shirt, Nany and Camila share a margarita or twelve, some guy catches a fish with his bare hands, and much much more…
Winner: The Challenge
Outside of a reality show about a proctologist (coming this fall on Showtime, “The Ass-essment” staring Zach Braff and Zendeya!), this is the only television program where these words make almost complete sense.
I love this show.
Winner: The Challenge
Did I mention that I love this show?
Winner: The Sun
Many an Irish kid from the Midwest will understand the plight of being pasty against the encroachment of sunlight during any sort of vacation near the equator.
Unlike most of the world, I don’t tan. I just get red. It’s red,completely burnt to a crisp, or translucent. Those are my only options in the summer time. And from experience, Wes is going through it right now. It’s hard to tell where the freckles end and the lobster-red skin begins.
Outside of also owning a monster truck and thirty companies, this is the most I’ve ever related to Wes in my time watching him on TV.
Loser: Nate
Just a hint for you young, single, entrepreneurial men out there searching for love in all the wrong places…take your sunglasses off before you ask a girl on a date. It’s the decent thing to do.
Also, get way better tattoos. Basically just don’t be Nate, and you’ll probably be fine.
Winner: Simone’s Bowels
Well, that’s a relief.
Winner: Peeling Dead Skin
Looks like Wes wasn’t the only one struggling with the sun.
When I do unfortunately get sunburnt, the only redeeming quality is being able to peel back dead skin for the next few days. I love to see how wide and long I can get it before it breaks apart from my shoulders.
Is this article gross enough yet?
Loser: Wes’s Shirt
Challenge Fun Fact: Because Wes decided to be shirtless for most of his time there, the producers were able to save a ton of money on the electricity bill this season.
Winner: Nany and Camila
How many states could you last on a road trip across the country with the two of them?
That should be the next Final. You have to sit shotgun in a small car and drive from Los Angeles to Stephen King’s house in Maine while the two of them take turns driving. You’re not allowed to touch the aux cord, choose what or when you eat, or tell them to put the tequila away because drinking and driving is dangerous.
I’d get to roughly the other side of the Rockies before I finally risked life and limb and tucked and rolled out of the car. I bet somehow CT would still find a a way to win.
Winner: Consistency
Time is a flat circle everywhere but The Challenge house.
While this dust-up might not be quite as explosive as their last one, watching Nany and Camila shout at each other while holding margaritas is like putting on your favorite pair of jeans. Comfortable and snug. Them yelling at each other is a reminder that in life nothing truly matters and yet everything is important.
What are they shouting at each other about now?
Truthfully hard to say (not even the person doing the subtitles had a clue). It seems like a convoluted game of telephone broke out during this house party and almost everyone is lying about something. Nicole said that Kellyanne said that Camila said to Christina (keep up, we’re almost there) that she should only trust her and not Nany. I think(?).
Which doesn’t make any sense at all, but who am I to judge? Can somebody pour me one of those margaritas?
Winner: Roger Murtaugh
After a lengthy break, Kellyeanne returned the season prior on Bloodlines as a sort of tribute to Diem who had recently passed away. She came back to honor the idea of how much Diem enjoyed playing these games, and wanted to carry on her friend’s legacy as much as she could.
I don’t think this is what she had in mind.
Being an elderstateswoman, Kellyanne was suddenly put in a position to corral the crazies. It was probably right around here where she mentally hit herself with the, “I’m too old for this shit” line. We’ve all said it to ourselves (and if you haven’t, you will), some of us as recently as two weekends ago at our buddy’s lake house in Michigan while having to not once, but twice, run outside and throw up last night’s tequila and Busch Light in the snow while cooking bacon and eggs for their friends.
Or maybe that was just me? Fun fact: I am washed.
Loser: Wes’s Shirt
Still nowhere to be found.
Winner: Duplicitous Foot Coverings
There are two types of people in this world. Those that have to match their socks at all times, and those that don’t.
Put me in the first category. I don’t know why it matters, it’s not a rational thought. A sock is a sock. But, it is what it is and it just does. I have to have on matching socks or my feet feel weird. My entire equilibrium is off. Up is down, down is left, and the snozzberries don’t taste anything like snozzberries.
Even if it’s (possibly) the most inconsequential decision one can make while getting dressed, somehow I’m still made uncomfortable by the idea.
Here’s to those who have the self-assuredness to step out into the backyard of their mansion in Mexico at 3:45 in the morning with two different color socks on. This margarita’s for you.
Winner: Life’s Unanswerable Questions
“What is the meaning of life?”
“How does one achieve happiness?”
“How is The Real World better than Are You The One?”
Certain questions have befuddled academics since the dawn of time. There is no answer, Amanda. Certain things just are what they are. Rocks fall to the ground because that’s where they belong. The Earth is flat, and yet every picture I’ve ever seen of it is a circle. A glass of water is completely see through, yet I can still see the water. What’s up with that?
Most of us would answer that question be saying “it just is Amanda. Leave me alone it’s 4 in the morning”. But I know if you asked Ryan Devlin, the worlds biggest Are You The One fan, he’d answer with a resounding “Well, it’s not.” and stick his tongue out at you.
Are You The One could not exist without The Real World. It’s sort of a “chicken or the trampoline” type of conundrum. Neither can live while the other survives.
Tony, you participated in one of them and embody the ethos of the other one, why don’t you take a crack at explaining it…
Well, maybe that’s not the best description, especially coming from the guy who got kicked out of multiple Chicago bars for stealing booze and/or not paying his bar tab.
But it is one of them.
There was nothing “real” about Are You The One. It was entirely constructed to produce exactly what it produced. Twenty extremely hot people getting extremely drunk and making out with each other. Which was awesome, don’t get me wrong (as far as trash reality television goes, Season 3 of that show may have been the pinnacle (shout out to Kiki the GOAT. Rumor has it they kept asking her to come on The Challenge, but she refused because she was still in Hawaii looking for someone to give that bracelet to), there was never a hotter or drunker cast ever cobbled together), but not quite as nuanced about the human condition as The Real World was.
Winner: This Fisherman Guy
Did he just catch that giant fish out of the ocean with his bare hands?
The hell?
Loser: This Brandon Guy
There may be no bigger turd in the history of reality television than this guy. Somehow, someway (because it clearly took place in an alternate reality) Brandon spent the majority of his time on his season of Are You The One hooking up with like every girl in the house.
But being the man on one thing is much different than another. The starting QB at your high school probably has to blow into a tube to start his car now. Life comes at your fast.
Quitting in the way he did, to go back home to a girlfriend that (and I can’t verify this, mostly because I don’t care to) he definitely isn’t dating anymore is far and away the biggest punk move in this show’s illustrious history of punk moves. TJ’s disgust can barely be contained. He’s gone in on people harder, but Brandon didn’t even deserve his attention.
Usually I try and stay as positive as possible in my writing. I enjoy celebrating this show rather than criticizing it. But this dork deserves all the vitriol in the world.
In the world of the great TJ Lavin, don’t take care, hope to see you never.
Winner: The Challenge Gods
Every once in awhile, The Challenge tries to kill you. This was one of those times.
During this daily challenge where you have to hop up to a bar and swing from platform to platform, Cory and Ashley somehow find themselves tangled up in one of the wires holding the structure together and Ashley almost completely severs her arm.
Worth it? Probably not. But I’m just a guy drinking margaritas at my desk. Viva la Real World!
