Welcome to the Challenge USA Trailer Recap! We have yet another Challenge spin off started so soon! What a time to be alive! You get a Challenge, and you get a Challenge, and EVERYBODY gets a Challenge! Inside this edition: Tom Cruise has unfinished business, the cast goes to Kendal Roy’s birthday party, I forget my neck pillow, and much much more…
Winner: Challenge Fans
The more Challenge the better!
Seriously, there will now be three entirely separate stand-alone version of The Challenge happening on our television screens. It’s incredible what this little show that I love so much has grown into. Is this what it’s like to see your children grow up and achieve shit? I sort of feel that way when a new little stick sprouts in my herb garden, so I guess it’s similar to that.
Long gone are the days of googling “when does the next challenge start” like we all used to every three or so months back on 2009.
Winner: Those Of You Who Watch CBS Reality TV Shows
One of the best parts of any Challenge season is carrying a past relationship with the cast along for the ride with you. I know Wes and Nany better than I know some of my real life friends.
Hell, Aneesa is the fifth longest running relationship in my life. It goes my Mom, then Dad, then sister, then childhood best friend Tim, then Aneesa. A lot of people have come and gone from my life, but not Aneesa. She’ll always be there for me.
And now those of you who feel that way about Survivor people, now that strange relationship can continue on with a whole new group. And you know what? I think that’s pretty dope.
Winner: Those Of Us Who Don’t Watch CBS Reality TV Shows
On the other hand, I don’t know a single one of these people. When the cast list got released, I gave it a cursory glance, and was already thinking about something else halfway down.
Apparently one of the guys played for my hometown Chicago Bears, but even that barely registered for me.
Which means this will be my first time ever watching an episode of The Challenge where I didn’t have some sort of previous knowledge of the people. And I can’t imagine I’ll be the only one going through that. I truly wonder how it’ll effect the viewing process.
Initially, I’ll probably like it a little less. But I truly hope they don’t cater to people like me. I hope the way it’s edited is under the assumption that the viewers know who these people are. Don’t hold our hands, don’t insult our intelligence.
Just give me TJ Lavin, five bucks, a pack of cigarettes, and let me enjoy the ride.
Loser: Hall Brawl Participants
Do they have anything like Hall Brawl on any of those shows?
I mean they obviously have it on Love Island, but otherwise, what even would be the Survivor equivalent to this one way trip down the Concussion Highway?
Some of these people definitely have zero idea what they’re getting themselves into. Every once in awhile, The Challenge tries to kill you. Does that happen on other shows?
Loser: Sweater Sleeves As Tissues
Wiping away your tears with the cuffs of your crew-neck is a dangerous game. Once the snot starts flowin, that sweater’s ruined forever. The crusties of former boogers are still stuck to some of my sweatshirts. Although, now that this person is an Under Armor sponsored athlete she’s gotta have some back ups.
Loser: The Bad Guys From Top Gun
I thought Tom Cruise and Miles Teller took care of these guys?!?!
Somebody get Mav and Rooster back in the air, stat!
Just once, just once God damn time, I would like trailers for reality shows to be honest with me.
I mean, maybe it is. Maybe this is the biggest Challenge ever. I don’t know how that would work. Biggest how? Is this the tallest cast on average there’s ever been? Is every single person there at least 6'5"?
It’s like how every season of The Bachelor is “the most dramatic season yet”. Just stop lying to me. Just be like “This is an above average season!” or “We did our best!”. I guarantee nobody was on the fence about watching this show and then saw “BIGGEST CHALLENGE DICK EVER” and was like, “well now I’m in…”
Winner: Kendal’s Birthday Party
I am repeatedly entering my own mother.
Winner: TJ Lavin, Graffiti Artist
The last time I lived in roommates, on one of our last nights living together, we got our hands on some spray paint and all spray painted a heart and our initials on a wall in the back room as sort of a final hurrah for the house we lived in.
Then two of my other roommates friends came over and one of them was like “oh shit, where’d you guys get the spray?” and proceeded to spray paint his graffiti name on the wall near our hearts and completely ruin the spirit of why we were doing it in the first place. Oh and he also called it “graf” instead of just saying “graffiti”. Similar to when Josh kept calling shortening elimination into ‘elim’ on Double Agents.
I say all that to say that dudes who do graffiti are douchebags (the menace Yes Duffy is the only exception) who say things like “spray” and “graf”. Which means there is no way TJ actually spray painted his name on that wall.
That’s what we were all wondering, right? Whether TJ did that himself? No? Was no one else wondering that? I’ll see myself out.
Winner: Cool Names
Why couldn’t I have been named something super cool like Cinco?
Brian is such an underwhelming name. It sounds like I’m somebody’s cousin who no one else at the Bachelor Party knows and fucks up the group chemistry all weekend.
Winner: Neck Pillows
There is no worse feeling than realizing you forgot your neck pillow at home while your in the TSA line.
Either you can’t sleep on the flight or you’re out another thirty bucks after buying a new one. There is no in between. At one point I was the not-so-proud owner of at least four neck pillows because I kept forgetting them.
Loser: Expectation Management
That seems excessive.
Loser: Expectation Management (Part 2)
This also seems excessive.
Winner: Challenge Houses
Is that part of their house? Do they just have an enormous Drug Cartel Compound style courtyard at their house?
Challenge houses have always been incredible, and All-Stars 3 might just be the best one yet. But that courtyard looks sick. Looks like there should be a Tiger chained up to the side and a full on exotic bird sanctuary over to the right.
I swear to God this guy just served me a Hazy IPA Summer Ale that’s 8% ABV for thirteen dollars just last weekend.
Winner: Challenge Inception
Wait a minute, man. If I’m watching TJ, then how is he watching me? Woah, man, that’s trippy man.
Winner: Shrimp Tacos
So, what’s up, you wanna go get shrimp tacos after this?
I’m sorry, but did you just fart?
Thanks for reading! See you back here for the next All Stars 3 Recap! And until then, as always, Happy Challenge Watching!!!