Welcome back to another batch of Power Rankings! I know I’m a few days late and I apologize, but I’m on staycation and today’s my birthday, and in the words of the great Adam Sandler, back off! Inside this week: Amanda would be the worst to play Goldeneye with, we discuss Philadelphia sports radio, we rent The Terminator on VHS in a small Northern Wisconsin town, and much, much more…
37) Lauren (Eliminated)
36) Nam (E)
35) Renan (E)
34) Michaela (E)
33) Tracy (E)
32) Kelz (E)
31) Tommy (E)
30) Tacha (E)
29) Corey L. (E)
28) Michele (E)
27) Dyle (E)
26) Aneesa (LW: 25)
Maybe these days Aneesa doesn’t do anything and she’s just kind of there.
But at four years old when I broke my leg all I wanted in the world was my blankie, and technically that didn’t do anything and was just kind of there.
Still helped though.
25) Gabo (LW: 21)
To not understand why Gabo was awesome, is to completely miss the point. I don’t want to say too many words about him, because that’s how he would have liked it.
Shout out to Seaside. You’ve birthed many legends, yet your biggest accomplishment may have sprouted from the shores of Hungary. One day, we’ll pump our fists together in the sky Gabo.
24) Josh (LW: 26)
You know who Josh reminds me of?
On The Duel 2 there’s a few episodes I’m thinking of off hand where Paula, because after years of playing the game and winning nothing, is stuck being friends with everybody while also unable to protect all those friends. This problem consistently bit her in the butt. Not only on that season, but so many moving forward.
It wasn’t until she stopped being friends with anybody that Paula achieved success on The Challenge. Either Josh will learn that lesson or he won’t, that’s not up to me.
23) Bettina (LW: 24)
“I’m telling you, Cory, index funds are for lames and weirdos. If you’re not tits up and over leveraged on Apple options for the rest of the month you’re doing it wrong.”
“Bettina just tell me the God damn code.”
22) Priscilla (LW: 23)
21) Jeremiah (LW: 20)
“What kind of pizza is that, Cory?”
“Jesus Priscilla. You can’t just ask a guy that question. It’s insensitive.”
“Relax, Jeremiah. Have a mango and just relax. It’s every day with you. ‘Oh Americans do this, British people don’t do that’. Can you just, for one single God damn day, leave me alone?”
20) Logan (LW: 22)
Sometimes even when you win, you can still lose.
Logan was borderline unimpressive in his elimination win over Gabo. He did everything he could to throw this one away, until his opponent snatched defeat from the jaws of victory.
Oh well, at least he doesn’t have to worry about swearing at Aneesa in Spanish in a few weeks when the inevitable endurance challenge appears.
19) Amanda (LW: 17)
This is easily the longest she’s gone on a television show without talking shit about someone and/or shouting in someone else’s general proximity.
And this organically answers the question, “which mode of 007 Goldeneye mutiplayer was your favorite?” that nobody asked.
The answer, of course, is Proximity Mines in Complex. Shit was unreal. Double Klobbs and a blue Gatorade made for one hell of a Summer afternoon. Maybe it’s just me, but I feel Amanda would’ve totally picked Oddjob just to piss off her friends.
18) Mature Nany (LW: 18)
Some Nany fans out there may say that the idea of her becoming “the house mom” is a bad thing. And while on the surface they are definitely right, but I’m gonna zag the zig on this one.
By perpetuating this narrative, that Nany’s the mature caretaker of the group (even if it’s basically fact at this point), it’s just stirring the beast within. Nany’s the type of person who touches the stove after she’s told it’s hot. I know this because real recognize real. I was forbidden from listening to rap music as a child. So I’m sure you can guess what the only genre of music was ever spinning in my discman providing the soundtrack to my entire life.
Speaking of rap music…
17) Emy (LW: 14)
The idea of a blue haired Romanian rapper telling a guy from Hungary who one hundred percent seriously believes that The Situation is a deity that he needs to be a little more serious while he’s crushing a tricep workout is a real thing that happened last week.
I love this show more than anything in the world.
16) Hughie (LW: 16)
Why do I feel like that first Eminem record really fucking spoke to Hughie?
Is it because there’s a Slim Shady in all of us? And we need to stand up? Is it because angry white guys need a theme song as much as anybody else does? Maybe I feel like that because I feel like that. Don’t judge me. You clicked on the link bro.
15) Emanuel (LW: 13)
“I spent how much on Bloody Mary’s?!”
14) Agent Ed (LW: 11)
When you go to the same bar every night (one day I’ll have the energy to tell the story of Nite Games, the bar that fueled my formative years. But not tonight.) it’s important to have the guy that’s willing to aggressively dance when everyone else is danced out.
We had Dan Loy. The Challenge 37 Cast has Ed.
Shout out to Agent Ed. You’re more important than you could ever know.
13) Berna (LW: 15)
Okay I’m only saying this because we’re all friends. And please don’t judge me, or tell anyone who might get me in trouble. This is just between the two of us. Looking at you, Kristen.
I just kind of want to give Berna a swirly.
12) Esther (LW: 11)
Her name would be extremely easy to figure out if it were the clue on Wheel of Fortune.
Buy yourself an ‘E’ and have a party. Throw your glasses in the air and let’s have a toast. A toast to the scumbags and every one of them that I know.
11) Ashley (LW: 10)
I’ve been on two road trips in my life.
The best one was when we drove west, three friends and big bag of weed, towards the Pacific Ocean. Only Denver, Vegas, and Los Angeles ultimately in our way.
But I also once went the opposite direction. Headed toward the East Coast with a similar wanderlust as my only guide. On our way through the various Eastern cities, we would listen to sports radio in each city just to get a feel for the pulse of the sports fan in these foreign worlds for a couple of Chicago kids.
New York was unsurprisingly both intelligent and angry. Pittsburgh was ready to talk Steelers despite being in the doldrums of the NFL season (late April), which was right on the nose. Philadelphia, though?
The gentleman who was allowed afternoon airtime was upset. Like, really upset. Shouting into his microphone for the roughly fifteen minutes we grinned and bared this person.
What was he screaming about? Some Arizona Diamondbacks writer picked the Phillies to finish fourth in the National League East Division. That’s it. The fury of a man who’s children have been kidnapped and sold into sex slavery, all over some writer who probably sells insurance now being lukewarm on the Phillies chances in 2013.
Maybe it’s just me, but I bet Ashley would crush it on drivetime Philly AM radio.
10) Nelson (LW: 9)
The Streak is now officially at 40 (!) losses in a row!
That is so many. It’s a record that will never ever be broken. Nelson’s 40 daily challenge in a row loss streak is one of the greatest achievements in futility ever recorded on video.
We’re all witnesses to history and as a wise high schooler from the suburbs of Chicago (shout out to the South side) once said, if we don’t stop to look around once in awhile, we might miss it.
9) Kyle (LW: 8)
Easily the first time in Challenge history that someone’s used the word undergarments.
Hit my up on Twitter or Insta if you have another example. I’m not on either of those things though, which works out great for me because now I can never be proven wrong.
8) Devin (LW: 7)
Devin’s devolved into The Challenge’s version of Florida Georgia Line.
For those of you not in the know, Florida Georgia Line is a country duo that consists of one guy who does everything and another guy who’s just there. They’re extremely rich and successful and got even richer while this sentence was typed. But in all of their records, in all of their hit songs, all of their number one records that millions (no I’m serious, fucking millions) of people are literally singing somewhere right this second, they’ve never said anything of substance. Ever. Not ever once.
They are so rich you couldn’t even believe.
Anywho, that’s how I feel about Devin so far this season. Just playing the hits, everyone loses their shit over it, but is he actually even saying anything anymore?
7) Big T (LW: 19)
Big T bagged the Big Fish! This gorgeous Spaniard showed up and she locked in from the get go. Winner winner, paella dinner.
“Hey Big T, how was your time in Croatia?”
“Muy bien, mi amor. Muy bien.”
6) Tori (LW: 6)
When I was much younger, maybe eight or nine, my dad took to me the video store.
Now we weren’t at home (Hollywood Video was our home video store. I spent way too much time in between those dusty shelves staring at movies I’d never be able to rent as a young lad), but we were on vacation at my Mom’s bosses lake house he would allow us to rent for a week every summer.
Place was dope, to say the least. Even for an adolescent.
But as said adolescent, once the sun went down and the adults became much more concerned with rum and cigarettes, there wasn’t a ton to do. Watch movies, play Nintendo 64, or pretend to get excited about the dilapidated board games available to us.
So after enough games of Mario Kart, eventually, movies it was. And I spent these weekends with a family friend just a year younger than me. We didn’t have everything in common, but our parents bought pot from the same guy, so we didn’t have a ton of choice in the matter.
C’est la vie.
But one night, just like many before, my dad took us to the video store. Mostly to stock us up to distract us from their midnight boat rides (totally smoking just a metric ton of pot. We’re talking about a group of ex-hippies out in the wilderness and away from the job their 22 year old selves swore they’d never get).
And my Dad kept telling me, “you guys gotta watch The Terminator. I’m telling ya Bri, he’s relentless.” He kept repeating the word, relentless, the whole car ride to the store. And I wasn’t disappointed. He was right. The Terminator slaps. Pretty much all of them do.
The moral of this story is, when Tori walked in to console Emanuel after Michele left, she reminded me of that word my Dad, probably stoned as shit, would not stop repeating. Relentless. Tori is relentless in her pursuit of Male attention in the way that The Terminator was relentless in his pursuit of Terminating.
Hasta la vista, baby.
5) Kessy (LW: 5)
“Yeah guys, I know. I couldn’t believe Josh would come at me like that either. But that’s okay, he’ll apologize eventually. The thing with Amber is, though, I beat her in the Final last year. What’s that? No, I know she actually won and I didn’t finish, but let’s all just be honest with ourselves. I would have won that Final. I’m the best guy here? Duh? Okay, that’s enough for today. I have time for one question. Yes…you in the green blazer.”
4) Cory (LW: 4)
Do you ever think Kessy and Cory have a sort of Homer Simpson/Frank Grimes element to their relationship?
That’s a deep cut for The Simpson’s heads out there. And it might be a bit of a stretch…..but am I wrong?….honestly….I’m not wrong, am I?
3) Faycee (LW: 3)
I’d say it’s probably because she smoked everybody like a sausage in Iceland last season, and together (in Josh’s mind at least, which is all that matters) they’d have as good a chance as anyone to win a Final. But what do I know? I’m just a guy with a blog.
2) Amber (LW: 2)
It really sucks that she’s letting the wallpaper from Big Brother get to her like this.
She’s a champion. Outside of Ashley and CT, she has what everybody else in that house wants. Specifically Kessy and Faycee. And while I understand the inherent need to be liked, especially in a pressure cooker situation like The Challenge house, but one of these days I hope Amber just says to everybody else “fuck you pay me” like he’s Ray Liotta coming to collect a debt.
“Amber, I don’t trust you”
“Guess what Faycee, fuck you pay me.”
“Amber I’m gonna vote you in.”
“Okay Kessy, fuck you pay me.”
1) Some Guy (LW: 1)
So CT, or Chris to the laymen, who’s won this show a few times, not only skates through 25% of the game without saying a word, but the minute he has to actually dip his toes into the toxic waters of name dropping, the second he is forced to creep near the beach where many have drowned before him and many will drown in the future, when he’s finally forced to drop his towel and show the world what he’s workin’ with, a couple of bright eyed, ignorant rookies go ahead and do this…
They better figure it the fuck out.
Thanks for reading!! Be sure to check back Thursday afternoon for my Episode 6 Winners & Losers Recap. And, as always, Happy Challenge Watching!!!