The Challenge: Spies, Lies & Allies Power Rankings — Week 4
Welcome back to a fresh batch of Power Rankings!!! I took a weekend to digest the last three weeks, and boy the rookies have taken some flesh wounds so far. Six up, three down. Inside this edition: I subscribe to Gabo’s OnlyFans, we scan Expedia for vacations in Romania, we eulogize the 2007 Phoenix Suns, and much much more…
36) Lauren (Eliminated)
35) Nam (E)
34) Renan (E)
33) Michaela (E)
32) Tracy (E)
31) Kelz (E)
30) Tommy (Last Week: 25)
No, no, no. You guys got it all wrong. Winnie The Pooh’s shirt is red. Not his pubic hair.
Is nothing in this world sacred any more?
29) Tacha (LW: 23)
Those out there that may think that Tacha was a bit over-the-top (shout out Sly Stallone) screaming at Tori after she was eliminated are completely missing the point.
Double Agents (honestly Total Madness and even the beginning of this season so far to some extent) was overflowing with people playing safe. Safe meaning not rocking the boat, not speaking up, not over-the-top shouting at someone who’s not even that responsible for your demise and has been a drag on the show overall.
We need these people reacting. We need these people getting upset. We need them to show emotion. Playing a perfect game is boring. Moneyball was an amazing movie but is ultimately the seed from which the demise of baseball (and honestly everything you like. Seriously Moneyball is the definition of a great idea gone bad) will grow. I don’t need that happening to The Challenge. I really don’t. Miss me with Kaycee, miss me with Fessy, and honestly miss me with this late-career-obviously-super-successful-yet-watered-down version of CT.
Mix it up people. Shout out to Tacha for not being afraid of it.
28) Josh (LW: 30)
Ugh, what a supportive friend.
See? I’ve made it three weeks! Positivity is important, although the preview for next week they showed at the end of the episode has me pulling at my collar a bit.
27) Aneesa (LW: 28)
I did the math.
(And by did the math, I mean that I quickly counted to four then realized that going anywhere past my first five fingers was an inefficient use of my time. But then one could argue that writing 2000+ words twice a week about a show on MTV is an inefficient use of my time. But that person probably sucks, so…)
I could only come up with four relationships I’ve had as long as the one I’ve had with Aneesa.
My mother, my father, my sister, and my best friend Tim who I’ve known since before kindergarten.
That means Aneesa is the fifth longest relationship I’ve had in my life and we’ve never even met.
How does this make me feel? I don’t know. Sad. Yeah. Just kind of sad.
26) Bettina (LW: 29)
One of these four people is much more excited than the others. Shout out to Bettina.
25) Priscilla (LW: 22)
When Priscilla gathers around with her friends every Wednesday like the rest of us do you think shes going with the “Just wait!” move or the “They’re totally screwing me!!!” move.
Gotta be one or the other, because outside of her generic confessional appearances, where the hell have the editors been hiding her? Maybe she wins the whole damn thing. I still don’t know anything about Amber.
If I were in her shoes, I would be lying through my teeth.
“I was involved with so much more than that. I got into a fist fight with Corey L. on night one and hooked up with Bettina two days later. And they didn’t show any of it!!!”
24) Gabo (LW: 26)
I’d pay at least $1.99 a month for life advice from Gabo while he’s doing inefficient, shirtless, poorly formed bicep curls.
“Gabo, what do you think? I need some help. I’m not really happy at my current job but the job market is a dumpster fire right now and I can’t afford to be out of work for long after multiple Covid related fun-employments have ravaged my savings. But my mental health is seriously starting to deteriorate as each day passes and something needs to change. Any advice?”
“Well *grunts* if Ronnie taught me anything*grunts* you gotta just *grunts* do what makes you happy *grunts* pretty girls make me happy *grunts* which is why I’m partnered with *grunts* Nany.”
“Yeah, I don’t know if that really helped me at all.”
“My favorite *grunts* season of Jersey Shore *grunts* was when they went to *grunts* Italy.”
“Meh, I don’t know. I thought that season was a bit derivative.”
“What does *grunts* dervitive mean? *grunts*”
“Nevermind. Good talk, Gabo.”
23) Hughie (LW: 27)
While you guys may have heard some Irishman waxing poetic on his biggest fears there, here’s what I heard…
YOU NAME IT!!!!
22) Logan (LW: 17)
I think we can officially call it.
Another season with no real, true, genuine New Hot Guy. The Championsip Belt lays dormant again.
You had all the opportunities in the world Logan. I guess it’s entirely possible he’s hooked up with Aneesa, Hughie, Ashley, Fessy, and Nany (hell, maybe all at the same time!) by now and they haven’t shown it, but I doubt it.
This means we haven’t had a real New Hot Guy Championship Belt Holder (one that hasn’t been redacted by the history books at least) since Kyle on Vendettas. This is a problem. The dearth of New Hot Guy behavior is actually kind of alarming to me. Is this another symptom of social media? That New Hot Guys are too busy on Instagram for reality TV? I’m sure being Hot on IG is much less complicated than being Hot on MTV, but what exactly does that do for us the consumer?
Nothing. It does nothing at all. Being Hot on your phone only helps you and those who’s DM’s you respond to. Oh well, I guess there’s always season 38.
21) Jeremiah (LW: 19)
In the spirit of putting myself in the Under Armor sneakers of these people, let’s examine how I would feel if my partner from a different continent who I just met less than three weeks ago tried drowning me in rocky waters somewhere in remote Croatia.
Well I’d be pissed, to tell ya the truth. Imagine that phone call home if Jeremiah would have actually drowned.
“Hi Mr. and/or Mrs. Guardian for Jeremiah. Yeah, so, well, he died…Yeah he was swimming to grab an active bomb in time before it…what’s that? Yeah, no, he didn’t die in an explosion or anything the bombs weren’t actually active…what’s that? Yeah I mean I don’t know why we say the bombs are active I guess it’s just cause we’re filming a TV show…what’s that? Yeah I mean nobody falls for it or anything but…what’s that? Yeah I don’t know either. Can we get back on track here?…”
20) Big T (LW: 24)
Finding out you’re the kid that everyone’s gonna eventually ditch at the mall is a tough look. We did that to this kid Vinnie (relax Gabo, not that one) once back in the day and I still feel bad about it all these years later.
Deep down Big T has definitely known she was at the bottom on the totem pole, but to actually hear it out loud is a whole different ball game.
19) Esther (LW: 20)
Okay so I know she said she’s sad to see Tacha go and I definitely believe here and all that……but she’s definitely super psyched she made it further than her right? Like deep down, even all this time later, when Esther lays her head down on the pillow at the end of a long day, she gets at least a sliver of joy from that. I don’t care what she says. We’re all just human at the end of the day (shout out Nany).
18) Amanda (LW: 18)
17) Mature Nany (LW: 16)
Can somebody poke these two with a stick? Just a pulse check would be fine too, I guess. Something, anything, to ensure they’re still alive. I’m being patient, truly I am. When do the results start showing themselves though? It’s not like the two of you have muted reputations to live up to or anything. We’re talking about two of the best to ever walk the talk here.
16) Berna (LW: 21)
Does anybody else feel like this isn’t the first time Berna’s gonna go in?
Maybe re-choosing CT will wake everybody else the fuck up….Nope, wait, more on that in a minute…
Yeah, no, Berna killed it or whatever. I don’t care, honestly. She seems fine. Sorry Berna, but, I mean, there is just so much to care about right now. Justin Fields has arrived to fulfill every fantasy the city of Chicago has ever had, every day a new malady is consuming nature and dragging us closer to the apocalypse in some other part of the world, and on top of all of that we have to wear masks at bars again.
So yeah, I mean Berna good shit and all. But I’m tapped out.
15) Emy (LW: 12)
Speaking of tapped out, does anyone else want to go on a vacation to Romania this Spring? I don’t know what happened, but for three weeks or so I’ve had this deep desire to party with blue haired women, eat Caesar salads, and get a hand tattoo.
Maybe it’s just me.
14) Corey L. (LW: 14)
I know like twenty people ago I just wasted everybody’s time writing bad jokes about it, but Corey going to Gabo for help is about as rock bottom as it gets.
I mean I’m sure he didn’t seek him out, there’s only so many gyms in that house. I can’t imagine, though, that anywhere in Corey’s pre-season plans did it involve being so defeated that he would resort getting back alley help from Gabo the Shaman.
13) Emanuel (LW: 15)
I don’t know Devin, if you keep telling me how awesome he is, I’m gonna start to think he’s pretty awesome. You too, Michele. If you keep telling me how hot and mysterious he is, I’m gonna start to think he’s pretty gosh dang hot and mysterious. Anybody else got any strong Emanuel opinions? Seriously, I’m a sheep with this guy. Steer me in any way you choose. I’m willing to believe whatever. Speaking of…
12) Michele (LW: 13)
Suns fans everywhere cringed at the idea of a star athlete having the capacity to finish the job with a bloody nose.
What Michele says is cute, citizens of Phoenix with any sort of passing interest in basketball take as an insult to their intelligence. For those not in the know, basically star point guard and two-time-NBA MVP Steve Nash broke his nose towards the end of an enormous playoff game in 2007 and the team medics just could not get it to stop bleeding. As he sat there unable to return to the floor because the blood simply would not stop flowing, his team let their hard earned lead drip away one point at a time. And before he knew it, his best and only shot at a title vanished. He almost certainly was in complete control of the best basketball team in the world that year, and he never got that close ever again.
Shout out to the Seven Seconds or Less Suns. You limped so the rest of the league could eventually fly.
11) Agent Ed (LW: 11)
In so many ways I want this crop of rookies to learn from their veteran counterparts because the only way we’re gonna fill the void of the vets of old that we all miss so much is if we give other people a chance to replace them.
Best way for that to happen is for them to monkey-see-monkey-do their partners.
I want the exact opposite for Ed. Do nothing your partner does.
10) Ashley (LW: 9)
Ashley’s crushing it this season.
Berna stole her man and Hughie stole her mojo.
She did actually win two of these right? Like, I don’t remember that wrong or anything? Asking for a friend.
9) Nelson (LW: 10)
Nelly T’s Boot Camp was obviously awesome and I’ll take any and all Nelson content in my life. But I could not help myself but to laugh thinking of how many B-Roll shots Nelson has ruined over the years by talking directly into the camera like that.
He’s such a ditz. He reminds me of some of the girls I hung out with in high school so much sometimes.
8) Kyle (LW: 8)
If you haven’t already, you’re going to notice a trend in this space, starting right around Kyle’s name. Outside of Ashley’s rapid descent from the top three, I haven’t moved the vets around at all.
Which means for them we’re right on schedule. They just haven’t done anything yet. Like, outside of existing, they’re imprint on the game has been mostly procedural. Because they all did last season together, they knew exactly what to do and how to play.
This veteran truce works for a lot of reasons, but it mostly is just blanket protection for all of them. So when Tori even brought up Big T’s name, Kyle realized, “alright, that’s it”. The blanket protection is over.
Monkey doesn’t go back in the bottle. Which is fine by me, maybe we get to see our buddies actually play the game. I mean, not to beat a dead horse or anything, and Berna’s fine and all, but I just cannot bring myself (pardon my Turkish) to give a shit. How could I? How can any of us care about any of these new people in the way we care about Kyle or Nany?
This crop of rookies is pretty awesome so far, and Romania wasn’t built in a day or whatever, but let’s get this show on the road.
7) Devin (LW: 7)
Devin’s “If not you, than who?” routine is fun and all, but one of these times somebody’s going to confidently reply with a simple, “You” as a response. For now Devin’s got enough of a foundation to let it roll off his shoulders and end up meaningless, one of these days, though, it’s going to stick.
Like ordering a burrito after midnight, or saying “okay one last tequila” at last call, Devin’s playing a dangerous game sticking his dick near the lava like that.
6) Tori (LW: 6)
“Everyone’s the star of their own movie” is one of my adopted life mantra’s. If anything it helps explain the behavior of so many people these days ultimately helping me to empathize.
Tori is the Webster’s Dictionary embodiment of that. Unlike most people though, there isn’t a literal camera crew following us to constantly enforce that. I’ve never seen anything quite like it in my life. It’s like seeing Babe Ruth eat a hot dog in person or something.
5) Fessy (LW: 5)
“Sure, when Big T asked if I orchestrated Kelz getting voted in I was gonna deny it, but obviously it was all me. I’m definitely the smartest one there. And yeah I don’t trust Big T but I don’t trust anyone. I mean when you’re Fessy you constantly have people trying to take your spot. Heavy lies the crown you know? What’s that? Well sure I haven’t won anything but as I’ve laid out in the past none of it was my fault. I don’t have much time for this nonsense today I have a lunch at twelve so I have time for one question. Yes, you in the green blazer…..”
4) Cory W. (LW: 4)
The last time Cory was in any danger of actually being voted in by the majority of the house was, like, Vendettas. Seriously, if there were no skull twist (lol, real quick though, I love that it just never got addressed and I feel totally comfortable being the person to continue addressing their lack of addressing.) Cory would be on the Jenn with two n’s Rivals-era level of never ever feeling the heat since then.
Patient-Zen Cory knows all he has to do is be hold on tight and sail the wave and eventually one of these girls (Ashley? Amber?) will be smart enough to steal him near the end.
If only that one guy that won last season wasn’t around…
3) Kaycee (LW: 3)
Ugh, again, she’s relentless! Just SO MUCH to choose from. I’m not a picky guy ya know? I’m not anti-options by any means, but hit me with too many of them and I’m just gonna go with ole reliable.
And Kaycee just will not stop with the content. It’s never ending. David Foster Wallace in his prime couldn’t make sense of it all, how do you expect me to?!
Oh well, I guess we’ll have to wait until next week when the dust has hopefully settled and I can get a grasp on all of this.
2) Amber (LW: 2)
She’s been invisible since she showed up which makes me think that she’s gonna win again. Then she’s gonna win again next season, and again the season after that. Then the season after that she’s gonna win again and we’ll finally find out what the B in Amber B. stood for in the first place.
Stay tuned. Speaking of winning…
1) Some Guy, Apparently Nobody Worth Worrying About (LW: Honestly, what do you think?)
“Man, good thing probably the best to ever do it isn’t on this season. Well I guess he is, but he’s just being kind of quiet. So I guess no need to bother. I mean it’s not like he wins all the time or anything. None of us were there last season, how would we know? Well, actually, wait a minute, I guess all of us were there last season…but so much has happened since then ya know? So let’s just ignore him completely. Despite the fact that he could have easily lost the two elimination rounds the guys have competed in. But I guess he could have won those too, so let’s just play it safe and let him sit around until the Final. Some genius plan will definitely come to us before then. No way he wins again. Nope. No chance. But, no, yeah, let’s make sure to get Renan out of here.”
— Everyone Else (2021)
I mean it’s not like any of this is new. This has been an ongoing problem for prospective challengers since I was in middle school. I’m now an adult with an IRA. What’s happening here? They better figure it the fuck out.
Thanks for reading!!! Be sure to check back in on Thursday morning after Episode 4 for my Winners and Losers Recap. And as always, Happy Challenge Watching!!!!!
