Welcome back to another Winners & Losers. Wipe that drink off your face, check your blindside, and relax. Inside this edition: Al Pacino drinks a cappuccino, Hughie tells us his favorite Disney movie, Michael Lewis gets some free advertising, and much much more…
The intern who got stuck doing the closed captioning during this scene where CT and Emy are talking is entirely just guessing.
CT’s mumbling is getting progressively worse as the season goes along. He hasn’t mumbled quite like this since at least Free Agents. Is he devolving or just not trying?
Loser: The Other Kids Emy Went To School With
Fuck those kids. Honestly.
The little fuckers who bullied Emy are now officially the only Romanians I’m not chill with. Just when I was starting to think it was a perfect country.
Winner: The Ghost of Amber M.
Every time someone adds a B to the end of Amber’s name, an angel gets their wings.
Winner: Amanda The Mom
“Hey what’s up Eddie and Jobo, it’s Brian from the southside. First time caller, long time listener. Quick question, who do you think is more stubborn? Fessy or Amanda’s tiny child? Thanks for taking my call I’ll hang up and listen.”
Loser: Asaf, Chris, Bayleigh, and Jenn
These were the four rookies from Total Madness who never came back.
Meaning their only experience on this show was that god forsaken bunker, freezing cold weather, and pooping outside. How do you think they felt watching Kaycee and Nany shove chocolate covered strawberries up each others noses and spray champagne everywhere?
They ate cold ramen every day, peed in the shower, and never changed out of sweatpants. I almost feel bad. Almost.
Do you think Esther knows she’s the first person to hook up with Josh on The Challenge? I bet she didn’t. Just a hunch. Makes me think of that High School Senior who’s had no luck with girls his age, and then that reputation just compounds on itself like credit card debt. It’s not that their unattractive, they just have no game, leading to no girl wanting to be “the one” for the first three years. But luckily for someone like Josh, the Freshman girls don’t have that information, ya know? Then Senior year rolls around, and all of a sudden he’s a big bad senior with a car and fake ID.
You gotta give the guy credit though, when he shoots he shoots for the moon. Amanda, Georgia, Nany, and Esther. Pretty high level stuff there. Going 1–4 with a double and a few nice plays on defense is a pretty okay day at the ballpark.
Winner: The Cell Phone I Had At Seventeen
One time I left my cell phone on top of my friend’s dad’s work van when he was driving us to go play basketball. The whole car ride I assumed I had left it at his house and wasn’t too concerned, cause ya know back then cell phones mostly existed for your Mom to call you on. It wasn’t until we reached the parking lot that I noticed it had fallen off when we parked and was miraculously laying there at my feet when I stepped out.
Made it all the way across town. That blue Sprint flip phone was a resilient bastard.
What was that? Yeah I don’t know why I told that story either. Something about this daily challenge made me think of it I guess.
Winner: Josh’s Ass
Boy got cakes low key.
Winner: Travis Thompson
In the song Dead Prezis by Travis Thompson (no relation to Klay, I checked) he lays out his simple wants and desires plainly throughout the hook.
Some of the things he would like are (in no order) a few dollars in his pocket, some good looking women to go steady with, and a house so big and nice that the only way he could hypothetically afford it is if he were a hypothetical cocaine dealer.
But the reason I bring this up is that he also claims to desire neck pain due to the weight of all of his chains. Welp, looks like Emanuel has that part covered at least.
Winner: Big T’s Kimono
I remember that thing!
Big T’s Biggest accomplishment so far during her brief time on The Challenge is getting CT to enunciate last year. But a close second might be swaggin’ on everybody despite being an outfit repeater.
Loser: Tori’s Read on Kaycee
Really? Kaycee? Unpredictable? Ever?
Um…okay. Sure. I guess. Yeah. I don’t know. That seems wrong.
Winner: The Movie 101 Dalmatians
That’s twice now in six episodes that Hughie’s made a reference to the movie 101 Dalmatians.
To be honest, though, I always thought Cruella got a bad edit.
Look, I’m all for eating the rich and beheading Bezos as much as the next working man, but capitalism is still a thing that exists. And we can all pretend we live in utopia, but rich people are just kind of allowed to do anything they want. So if Cruella can afford a dalmatian coat, then so be it. The world’s gotta keep on turning.
Also, on the realist side of things, keeping 101 dogs in the same house is so unsanitary I couldn’t even begin to imagine how bad it smelled in there. If anything, she was doing these people a favor by taking a few off their hands.
Seriously though, imagine cleaning up all that poop. So much poop. Like, just so much poop. Everywhere. Just poop everywhere.
See what I mean? Cruella wasn’t wrong, she just needed a better PR team.
Winner: Big T’s Pink Robe
That thing says Big T in sparkles on the back. You know how I know? Because as I mentioned earlier, Big T’s a serial outfit repeater.
While I’m not sure why they were eulogizing Emy while she’s clearly still alive, Alien is a smash record.
I’ve been listening to it all morning, I’m all the way in. My two favorite lines are almost definitely…
“You mozzarella, I’m smooth killa like Nutella”
…closely followed by…
“Like Al Pacino I drink cappucino”
I mean what are we really talking about here? She’s dropping the hottest bars of 2021 in her second language. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. Emy slaps.
Glory to Romania.
Loser: Fessy Doing Karaoke
I’ve gotten a standing ovation in four different states (Illinois, Wisconsin, Missouri, and Colorado) doing Gin and Juice karoake. Not to toot my own tits or anything, but that’s eight percent of the United States of America for you English majors out there.
What do you guys think is Fessy’s go-to karaoke song?
Yeah, I guess I don’t really care either.
Winner: The Color Gray
More on Fessy’s floating head in a bit…
Winner: Late Night Food Politics
I’ve watched this show for a long time. I barely even remember a time in my life where The Challenge wasn’t at least a small part of it.
And just as long as I’ve watched, I’ve been slightly obsessed with the living situation more than anything else. And those of you that have been reading my stuff since last season know that I am a sucker for a kitchen scene.
But a late night kitchen scene that also creates drama? Don’t threaten me with a good time. It’s like they edited this all in for my sake. Thank you, MTV.
No, Berna, you’re wrong.
Getting home drunk and eating pizza is not about patience. I can’t even count the amount of times I’ve burned the roof of my mouth because I didn’t want to wait for my frozen pizza to cool down. Even when I’m completely sober, there’s not much worse in the world than being forced into staring at that delicious, greasy za without being able to touch it. Not unlike going to the strip club.
So screw you, Berna. She’s got a right to be upset. She clearly called oven.
Winner: The Color White
Wait…where’d Fessy’s body go?!
Lol, okay, I’m done. I promise. As long as Fessy’s done matching his monochromatic outfits with his surroundings I’m done making unfunny jokes about it.
Winner: Sandra Bullock, Michael Lewis, and David Fizdale
In a span of seventy-four seconds the word “blindside” or it’s derivatives were used eight times.
That’s an average of once every 9.25 seconds the book/movie The Blindside was given free marketing in less than two minutes of screen time.
Loser: Ether’s Form
If you’re gonna throw a drink in someone’s face, at least wait until they’re looking straight at you. Getting the side of somebody’s face wet isn’t too effective as far as shock value and disrespect, the two pillars of drink throwing, goes. You gotta that shit up their nostrils, girl, come on. A little eye burning can definitely help get the message across too.
Moral of the story kids, when you throw a drink in someone’s face, don’t be like Esther. Be an adult and make sure their shoulders are squared and facing you directly.
Loser: Kyle & Emanuel
And here they thought they were the only ones with tattoos on the back of their head.
Loser: Fessy’s Security Team
Not exactly Acolyte Protection Agency here. Although I feel like Farooq and Bradshaw would have beaten up Fessy with pool cues.
Loser: Josh’s Approach
Between the all his mumble shouting, Josh was actually making some really solid points. Because fuck it, why not, let’s go through each previously mentioned solid point one by one…
1) “You suck as a friend” — Can’t say for sure, as I’m luckily for me I’m not his friend, but I did once write in this space that being friends with someone like Fessy “can be like taking a cheese grater to your spirit sometimes”. So I’ll just take Josh’s word for it.
2) “You have a big ass ego” — Big ass facts.
3) “You’re fucking whack” — Lmao. The truest statement of them all.
4) “When the rookie rookie game is done, and your ass goes in there, remember this” — He’s probably right. By this point, nobody can possibly trust that Fessy’s not going to do the thing that helps Fessy before anything else. Better to get rid of someone like that than to have them around and getting stuck with the business end of that transaction. Shout out to Nelly T.
5) “You’re the guy that talks a big game but you haven’t won shit.” — In one sentence, Josh summed up every word I’ve ever written about Fessy.
6) “You’re the biggest piece of shit I’ve ever met on this show.” — I’ll be honest, this ones a stretch. There have been some pretty big pieces of shit on this show in the past. But I mean, it’s possible Josh hadn’t had his pizza yet at this point and this whole argument is because he’s hangry. So I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt.
7) “You’re gonna go home.” — Correct, just like everyone, eventually, he will go home.
Thanks for reading! Be sure to check back on Sunday for a fresh batch of updated Power Rankings! And, as always, Happy Challenge Watching!!!