The Challenge: Spies, Lies & Allies Episode 3 Recap — Winners & Losers

10 min readAug 26, 2021

Welcome back to another rousing round of Winners & Losers! Tommy and Tacha left us this week, one of them much less concussed than the other. Inside this edition: Gabo swags out on every single one of us, I tell the story of the first and last time I ate oysters, Ashley brutalizes a bird, and much much more…

Winner: Emy’s Podcast

Never in my life have I seen three people more interested in something someone had to say.

“Hey guys, use the code EMY at MeUndies.com for a 15% off coupon on your fifteenth purchase of one hundred dollars or more”

Loser: Cabbage

I was gonna say that the only way that bowl could be appealing would be if someone took the time to turn all that cabbage into a proper coleslaw. But then I realized that nobody needs that much of coleslaw. So…yuck regardless. Maybe if you pan fry it with some salt, pepper, and a splash of olive oil? I know they gotta feed like three hundred people and all, but the chef may have done a bit too much cabbage prep that day.

Winner: Lounge Attire

Gabo…my guy…what’d I tell you about doin it to em like that? You know what…nevermind…

Loser: Yelp

“***” — Brian B. (Elite Yelper ’20) 8/25/21

Out of all the boot camps in Croatia, unless you’re in the mood for an average experience, Nelson’s Boot Camp might not be the one for you. Only three out of five stars, and here’s why…

— The host, Nelson, was a nice enough guy. But he seemed to only be paying attention to the women. And his friend Cory was also there for some reason kept him busy as well. Mostly they just flexed at the mirror together though, so I guess it wasn’t too disturbing personally. I just would have liked a bit more one-on-one time for the amount I paid for this ($95 for the first five minutes than $25 for every additional minute.)

— There were no paper towels in the men’s room.

— Many words were mispronounced as well, both out loud and on the brochure. It was very strange. So for you English teachers out there, stay away! Although this worked out great for me in the end, after I pointed out the typos to the nice lady named Berna working the front desk ended sending me away with a free energy drink coupon for next time (if there even is one lol)

Overall, Nelly T’s Boot Camp just wasn’t for me. If you’re traveling through Croatia, it might be worth the stop just to get a light work-out in. But the monthly pass? No thank you!

Loser: Neck Tattoos

Good luck getting a job at the bank or the grocery store or any thing else downtown with tattoos like that young man! Think about your future!

First it’s a pierced ear, then all of a sudden it’s a scary death rabbit tattooed on the front of your neck. Moral of the story? Well, I’m not really sure. Moving on…

Loser: All The Other Caves In Croatia

“Nope”

“TJ, this is the thirty eighth cave we’ve shown you!”

“Don’t care. Not bad ass enough.”

“What about this one.”

“Stop wasting my time.”

“Wasting your time?”

“What was that?”

“Nothing. Sorry. What about this one?”

“Have you never seen the X Games? Have you never tasted Mountain Dew? Do you not know what the definition of badass is?”

“Apparently not, Mr. TJ. Apparently not”

Loser: You All, For Having To Read This Story

Let me take you back many, many moons ago when I was a single lad who had just moved to the big city post-college years.

A girl I was talking to at the time had gotten free Blackhawks tickets from work, and invited me to go. Now I’m not a big hockey guy, but at the time they were the hottest ticket in Chicago, and the experience was the whole point back then.

So I figured, hell, she’s doing this nice gesture, I’ll take her out to dinner. Now I had just began working at this much-too-nice-for-me Champagne Lounge in the hippest, fastest growing neighborhood in the city. A Soho House had just opened up across the street, and I immediately had connections there. Let’s just say I was working at the coolest place in the coolest neighborhood. It was a fun time to be alive.

So we went out to dinner where I worked, and I realized quickly how smart of a move this actually was. The Chef immediately began just unloading dishes onto our unsuspecting stomachs. On-menu dishes, off-menu dishes, ingredients from his personal stash. It was magical.

And then the oysters came.

Now I had never had oysters before, and always kinda looked at them like ocean boogers so I was never interested in the first place. My date quickly informed me that she was deathly allergic to shellfish. So with a stomach full of tequila, champagne, and rich french cuisine I dove right in because as the great Canadian poet Aubrey Graham once said, Yolo. All twelve, down the gullet.

Now if you’ve been to the United Center in Chicago before, you’ll know what I’m talking about. But for the 99% of you that haven’t, if you’re in the wrong spot in that building finding a bathroom can be quite the excursion. It’s a bit of a labyrinth in there sometimes. It was apparently built under the assumption that the citizens of Chicago had an extreme, innate ability to hold it.

So we arrive at the game, my heads a bit swirly from indulgence by now, and get in line for a drink. While standing there, she asks if I want anything (her treat!) and I suddenly realize that the only thing I want in the world is a toilet to puke into.

These oysters were going home one way or the other.

With my luck, I happened to be in one of those upper bowl spots where a bathroom may as well be a double rainbow. So I jogged until I finally came upon one, my previously consumed dinner already resting in my tightly closed mouth, with plenty more on the way.

After doing my duty returning all twelve oysters to their rightful place in the world (along with half of a $125 bottle of champagne and god knows what other food), and cleaning up as much as I could, I returned to where our seats were.

And then like a kamikaze pilot, she leaned in to kiss me. Fresh throw up mouth and everything. I curled in my lips, not to be rude, or because I cannot imagine how foul my mouth must have smelled by that point, but because I literally could have killed her considering there was more than likely shellfish remnants on my face.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the last time I ate oysters.

Loser: Survivor

Washing up on a beach, next to a British woman named Big T, an “active” bomb strapped around your chest, completely concussed, wearing no pants at all, in front of 30 hot reality stars…Sounds like a story one of Tommy’s most problematic and precocious 4th graders would turn in on creative writing day.

Last season proved that The Challenge is officially harder than the Olympics, and now (while not quite on the same level) we’ve found out The Challenge is too much for even Survivor. What event do the Challenge Gods need to take out next? The Super Bowl? Come on down Tom Brady, give it a shot.

Loser: What Jeremiah’s Used To

Wow, what a boring life you live. I mean who doesn’t jump off cliffs into dangerous waters and swim into badass caves? Get your head out of your phone, get out of the house, and freaking live a little. Kids these days, I swear.

Winner: George Castanza

Loser: Challenge Conditions

Hold on hold on hold on…you're telling me that they wouldn’t even let Tommy bring his parents?! I mean telling him to keep his 4th grade students at home is one thing. That’s just a lot of mouths to feed.

But his parents?!?!?!

I demand an investigation immediately into the torturous conditions MTV forces these people to live in. It’s inhumane. Somebody call that woman who got the Jeopardy guy fired and is now acting as if she’s some sort of national hero. Get her on the case. Enough is enough.

Winner: Ashley

This is why her going home last season so early (twice, ugh) sucked so much. For things like this. Remember how nice everyone was to each other in deliberation on Double Agents? Unfortunately, I do.

Loser: Useless Athlete Interviews

Jeremiah has very obviously, like me and so many others, watched a ton of ESPN in his life.

That speech he gave, was as pointless as every post game interview by an athlete or a coach that’s ever been given. Each syllable was more useless than the last. So to answer your question, Jeremiah, yes, I do know what you’re saying. You’re saying absolutely nothing at all, which is exactly what you’re supposed to be doing.

Winner: Mesh

Partners that dress together stay together…or something like that.

Winner: The Color Blue

They couldn’t have had Emy stand somewhere else?

Loser: Tori

She’s bad at this.

Whatever, I don’t care. She plays such a sloppy game. What she didn’t realize is that by flexing her power over Big T, even if ultimately she never planned on actually calling her out, is the beginning of the end of the ill-fated Veteran Truce.

Toothpaste doesn’t go back in the tube. And so by even bringing it up in general, you may as well have just done it any way. It’s official now, no vets trust each other anymore. Some things are better left unsaid.

Winner: Kyle

How did he end up as the Godfather/voice of reason out of the entire house? It’s Kyle. I mean I love Kyle…but it’s Kyle. Right? No? Okay, moving on.

Loser: That Poor Bird

Ouch, talk about overkill.

Winner: Gratuitous Barbed Wire

Somebody call Cactus Jack and Terry Funk, quick! Good luck cleaning all that up. Hope it was worth the shot.

Loser: Tacha and Berna

This elimination looked frustrating as hell. Like I was frustrated and I was sitting comfortably on my couch drinking tequila. I was doing the least frustrating thing in the world. Yet watching them was giving me “asking a girl to homecoming” level anxiety.

Even though both of you are not and will never read this, I apologize that you had to endure that.