Welcome back to another edition of Winners & Losers! It’s heating up in Croatia, and I finally know the difference between the colors on the different teams. Pretentious color names be damned. Inside this week: Logan needs a shower, Patrick Mahomes gets Big T in deep with the loan sharks, Agent Ed’s mom parties in the Maldives and much much more…
Can we talk about this whole Team Ruby sucks thing for a second?
Let’s just have an honest conversation with each other and break them down person-by-person…
- Cory’s been to twelve Finals in the last eighteen months. I’d say that’s pretty good.
- Kyle’s been to almost as many Finals in the last eighteen months, and just barely missed last time around. Between the two of them, that’s a pretty accomplished top two.
- Emy’s already won a few times and has proven herself to be decent at these games they play. Definitely an asset in a team setting as she’ll listen to the adults in the room when necessary.
- Logan’s got a bum hamstring or something. And while this may be a detrimental injury to your top fantasy football wide receiver, it’s not a total death sentence on The Challenge. Plus didn’t he win his season of Survivor and aren’t the foreign ones like eight months long? Idk, doesn’t seem that weak to me. Plus between him, Cory, and Kyle there’s a lot a lot a lot (no really, a lot) of Hot Guy energy happening on that team. If this was 2015 most of the women in the house would stand no chance.
- Which brings us to Big T. The obvious turd in the athletic punch bowl. By this point in the game, with most of the behind the scenes political maneuvering being essentially neutered, Big T’s become Big Superfluous. I really don’t see her lasting long if her team has any say, but it would behoove the rest of the house to keep her around for obvious (and mean) unsaid reasons. She’s fully aware of that though, and intends to ride the lay-up card as hard and as long as she can. Sort of like she did with Logan.
All that being said, this whole “Ruby Team Sucks” narrative is a bit unfounded. It’s not the most stacked team in the world, but it’s not like we’re sending in the Detroit Lions or anything (there’s that third Detroit reference! I’m only a week late).
Winner: Nany, Being Pensive
Yes, she would. She absolutely would.
Winner: The Mid-Day Sun
I mean she’s got a point. That is when it’s the hottest. Wouldn’t wanna start sweating or anything like that.
Easily the hottest homeless guy I’ve ever seen.
Loser: Anyone Who Wanted To Play Chess That Day
“Hey, Logan. Cool sign and stuff, but CT and I wanna play chess. Josh lost all the Monopoly pieces so, it’s really all we got left.”
Winner: Ed’s Mom
“Hey hunny, can’t talk long. I’m out in the Maldives on the boat eating pico de gallo with these four gorgeous Hispanic men I met over at the marina bar. Gotta go! Have fun on Fear Factor!” *click*
Loser: Big T’s Gambling Habit
She took a bath in last year’s Super Bowl. She was still mad at CT so she bet against Tom Brady and her bookie’s been after her ever since. She’s like Keanu at the end of Hardball without the whole under privileged youth playing baseball thing.
Winner: Babies From Other Countries
I always wondered what a British baby looked like. Turns out they look just as expensive in every country.
Loser: Every Other Word That Denotes Emphasis
It’s literally not.
Somehow, somewhere along the line, reality TV people became obsessed with the word literally. It’s like somebody on Flavor of Love learned their first four syllable word and now everyone who goes on television is saddled with it. Honestly, if you took a shot of tequila every time someone on an episode of The Bachelor used it, you’d be arrested in your own home for public intoxication before the first commercial break.
Some day some other reality TV person will find a new way to emphasize their point without using the word ‘literally’. That day, my friends, will be the day that I’m finally happy again.
Winner: Mucus Plugs
It’s the band opening for Bottle Cap Redemption at the Aragon Ballroom tonight. Hurry and get your tickets before all the hipsters and dipshits sell them out!!!
Winner: Bettina, Cleveland Guardians Season Ticket Holder
Sorry about 2016, Bettina.
Loser: CT the Bullshitter
I call bullshit.
As far as “People falling from a structure suspended high in the air over a foreign body of water” goes, CT is more experienced than 99% of the world. He didn’t think about falling to his death one single time that day.
Loser: Under Armor
Liquid Force? What the fuck is Liquid Force?!
Under Armor’s rapidly losing their grip on The Challenge gear sponsorship. I don’t get it. What gives? Why doesn’t Under Armor just make them life jackets? I miss the good ole days when they would just slap that UA logo on literally (see what I did there?) anything and everything. Hell, when Cara Maria broke her wrist at the end of Free Agents they even sponsored her cast.
Steph Curry’s healthy and almost won MVP last year, so, I don’t see what the problem is. Get your shit together, Under Armor.
Winner: Cory/Tony Montana
Loser: Immediate Regret
Anyone I know who’s ever gotten a star tattoo (and I know two of them, so I’d say I’m pretty much an expert in this field) has regretted it immediately. I imagine Kaycee feels the same. No wonder she’s always wearing pants.
The Warsaw War Machine still holds the record for “Most Honest” when asked the question of why do you want to win.
Again, for the sake of sounding like a broken record, I’m sure Emanuel cares about his family, but don’t think for one second he wouldn’t blow most of that 500,000 dollars on ugly necklaces and music videos for Emy. Shout out to watches and sports cars.
Loser: Burger King
If there’s any group of people who have their protein situation under control, it’s people that go on The Challenge.
Just like when Theresa and Jay won those protein guns last season, I would be devastated that that safe wasn’t filled with Whoppers.
Loser: Pantry Space
“Hey great, thanks Teej. But where the fuck am I gonna store all that?”
Anyone and everyone who claims they have even a modicum of an idea of what CT was saying while eating grapes during this scene is absolutely lying to your face. Every day he devolves further and further.
Loser: Logan’s Bath Towel, Simply Being In The Way
If you got it, flaunt it.
I have pleasant, pretty blue eyes. I know it, everybody else knows it, so why hide it? I wear a blue shirt to work every day for this exact purpose. I know where my bread is buttered.
If you all think that it’s a coincidence that Logan got home and decided to go with “pure, sadistic, unadulterated, sweaty sex” as his outfit choice, then I have a Bananas Bobblehead to sell you. He could have showered and changed any time of the day. His timing was intentional.
“Oh what’s that? You wanna talk game? I was just about to wash off…oh well I guess I’ll have to strut through the kitchen in just this towel.”
If I was as hot as Logan I’d probably dress like Val Venis most of the time too.
In about a ninety second span the Challenge cranked the sex appeal up about a thousand notches. They showed pre-shower Logan, they showed shirtless CT lookin like a smokin hot Joey Knish about to tell Matt Damon he won’t loan him any money, and then they show shirtless Devin.
He looks great compared to normal people, but the juxtaposition between him, CT, and Logan is a little unfair.
Loser: Lizzie McGuire’s Friend Miranda’s Shoes
What is happening on Emanuel’s feet? A bit gaudy for me, thanks though.
Loser: Toxic Masculinity
Just let it out, bro. I cry all the time. Any time I need a good cry I just watch one of those emotional-ass YouTube videos about the Cubs winning the World Series.
Just fuckin let it rip Logan. I cried just now watching that video. I literally (nailed it) have tears in my eyes while typing this. Hell I teared up watching Leroy say his goodbye’s during last years Final. I promise it’ll feel good man.
They may have over exaggerated his Pole Wrestle prowess (He’s beaten Joseph from America Can Sing and CT kind-of-but-not-really one time), but in a game of Who Wants It More? Kyle wanted it just slightly more than Ed did.
Winner: Agent Ed
While I’m kinda disappointed he didn’t refer to a single noun as a ‘jawn’, Ed still represented well for himself and the state of Pennsylvania during his time in Croatia. Now he gets to go join his Mom on her dope ass boat and enjoy some of that pico de gallo.
Loser: Devin the Orator
Nope, he literally is not a vampire.
Brought it all the way back around! How’s that for a circle, Agent Ed?
Thanks for reading! Check back next week for another Winners & Losers. And until then, as always, Happy Challenge Watching!!!