The Challenge: Spies, Lies & Allies Episode 0 Recap — Winners & Losers
Welcome back to our first official Winners and Losers of the season!!! Inside this edition: Nany gives us hope, Emy leads me to question the public school system, Nam and Gabo start a podcast, and much much more…
Winner: Us
This is the greatest show in the world. So happy to be back.
Loser: All The Other Seasons
You mean you’re telling me TJ’s been bleeping around this entire time?!
Winner: Ride Share Apps
“Hey, can you send that Venmo. I don’t wanna end up paying for both Uber’s”
“Yes, Nany, chill. We just left the house.”
Winner: Michaela’s Relatability
Same, honestly.
Loser: Fessy’s Forced Sense Of Humor
I guess we’ll see how long this lasts
Winner: Us (Tentatively)
Uh oh…are we back?
Winner: Nelson and Everyone Who Gets to Live With Him
Shout out to the camera guy running for cover on the left there.
Winner: The Game
Ashley convincing a rookie threat that she hasn’t been working out is just pure game. Whether or not that’s true isn’t really the point. The game never stops. Every conversation you have, every sentence you say, every breathe you take, I’ll be watching you…..wait a second hold on lemme try that again.
Fuck it, basically, Ashley’s already on her shit this season.
Loser: The Big Brother Alliance
In the same way Paris Hilton was famous because she was famous, the “Big Brother Alliance” only matters because they say it matters. I’m so far over this story line already. I hate that Devin’s about to get swallowed up in it, but I’ve been wrong before and I look forward to being wrong again.
Winner: Corey’s Red Blazer
Shout out to him. If I wore that everyone would be running up to me with an empty glass asking for a tasty red beverage. Either that or ask me to cremate their dead cat.
Winner: Us (Still Tentatively)
We’re getting closer…A bottle and a glass? This is promising. The only thing more promising than that would be just ditching the glass all together and double fist straight out the bottle. But that would be so 2014 of her. This is Mature Nany we’re talking about here.
Loser: Tori and Fessy
How do you say “Honestly, who cares?” in Turks and Cacian?
What’s that? They speak English there? Oh okay, well in that case…
Honestly, who cares?
Winner: Are You The One? Season 3
I have a feeling Kiki is still on that beach somewhere looking for someone to give that bracelet to.
Winner: Nany
The Orator of our time.
Of the many obvious things to be envious of with Nany, but her communication skills aren’t one of them.
Winner: Us
We’ve reached critical mass…
Are we really back? Should I not get too excited? It’s a marathon, not a sprint and my life motto is expectation management is the key to happiness. But good god, this is the best way to kick off a season I’ve ever seen.
I’m not ready to bury Mature Nany just quite yet, but stay tuned.
Winner: Hughie and Gabo’s First College Party
Loser: Laundry
Laundry’s gotta be like what the fuck, man? We’re an integral part of this entire process.
I guess we just organically got our answer to the question “which pillar of the holy guido triumvirate is the most expendable” that nobody’s ever asked.
Loser: Us Normies
Okay…
Alright…
That’s enough of that.
Loser: The Lies We Tell Ourselves
Hot take incoming, put on your flame retardant suits.
Bettina’s laugh isn’t real.
Hold on, let me rephrase that. Bettina’s laugh isn’t natural. That’s not how she laughed at a certain point in her life. That’s a purposeful laugh. That’s a laugh a child decides to do because it makes the other kids laugh one time. And now it’s just the only way she knows how.
Winner: Nam and Gabo’s Podcast
Same, honestly.
Winner: The Color Blue
I wear a blue shirt to work every day because it brings out my blue eyes and I have enough experience on this earth to know where my bread is buttered.
I wonder if that’s how Emy feels, but with her hair.
I’ve known the Romanian’s for ~45 minutes now, and it makes me sad that my textbooks never taught me their hair was naturally blue. Our education system is broken, man. *hits bong*
Winner: Hughie
I laughed out loud so hard at this. Honestly I’m still laughing just typing this out. Let’s all have a nice time? He’s got no clue what’s about to happen to him. He reminds me of a bombastic version of Mitch.
Big Winner: Gabo
Yeah, I’m gonna like this guy.
Winner: Justice for Tracy’s Outfit
Okay so in her cast picture she looked like Chewbacca’s biggest fan, but as you can see, the outfit was incomplete. The white blazer changes just about everything. It’s still not what you want, but why wouldn’t they let her wear the blazer in the picture? Why did they do that to her?
Justice for Tracy? Eh…I know this article might be coming off a bit nihilistic by now, but who cares. I’m tired. Maybe she actually is into Chewbacca? Does that mean Leroy, the Chewy to Banana’s Han Solo, is her favorite Challenger ever? There’s a good chance nobody’s still reading this paragraph, so despite the fact that it’s gone completely off the rails, your eyes have all naturally darting towards the next bold face type anyway. So now that I’ve got nobody’s attention, lemme give you my thoughts on the Bulls free agency moves as well as an my theory for an exit strategy for our troops in the Balkans…
Winner: Veteran Savvy
“Yeah, for sure, you guys should all definitely pick Aneesa.”
While I’m not surprised Kyle was slick enough for this trick, Nam wielding some true veteran guile was impressive.
Speaking of, this was the lowest rated Olympics ever. Is it a coincidence that they come on the heels of Lolo disappointing showing on Double Agents? You tell me.
Loser: Famous Last Words
Everyone take a drink!
Thanks for reading! Be sure to check be Thursday for my Episode 1 Recap. And in cast you missed it, be sure to check out my pre-season Power Rankings. And as always, Happy Challenge Watching!
