The Challenge: Ride or Dies Power Rankings — Week 3
Welcome back to a fresh batch of Power Rankings! I apologize for being a day late. Tampa Bay/St. Pete Beach only charges seven dollars for a tequila soda. I’ll leave it there. But enough about me, let’s get into the real needy greedy! Inside this edition: Nam saves the world, Darrell charges his breakfast to Aneesa’s hotel room, Michele lacks self-awareness, and much much more….
34) Sam (Eliminated)
33) Kailah (E)
32) Emmy (Last Week: 25)
The rookie of the year last season returned and the balloon couldn’t have popped more quickly.
She should’ve never dyed her hair blonde.
31) Nam (LW: 26)
The year is 2064. The Challenge is getting ready to film Season 81. Nam, sitting in his palatial German estate overlooking Lake Hintersee, feels a vibration in his iBrain. He places his right index finger against his temple. The caller ID says “Challenge Producers”.
A bald eagle soars across the horizon as the sun is setting. He lowers his fingers from his temple and decides to let his iBrain call go to iBrainmail. After doing his 33rd Challenge, still never winning a daily challenge, never seeing an elimination round, exiting from a dozen fights, two global pandemics, and countless kidnapping attempts from she-who-shall-not-be-named, Nam found himself living on the streets. Broke and alone.
He thinks back on those days, not with fondness, but to remind himself of how far he’s come. He lived on the streets, selling his wares for creatine. Then for food. Then for shelter. He developed a drinking problem. Addicted to Peppermint Schnapps, his life spiraled even further. He doesn’t like to speak on the dark acts he was forced to perform for merely a morsel of sauerkraut. And one day he woke up, lying on a pile of dirty linens outside of the restaurant he convinced to give him their stale bread at the end of the night, tossed the bottle of liquor aside, and decided that no more would he do The Challenge. No more would he subject himself to the trappings of reality television.
And so now, all these years later, having cured world hunger, squashed all global conflict, and become the wealthiest man in the world, he can’t help but smile at what he has achieved. Quitting The Challenge was the greatest decision he ever made.
His iBrain rings again. After another quick touch of the temple, the words “Challenge Producers” again flash across his mind. He shook his head. The temptation is too real after all of this. Too real after the healing he’s done. The therapy he’s put himself through. The changes he’s made to society.
Why now? Why call now, after all of these years? He shakes his head, silencing the call. Another ping on his iBrain, this time, the package he ordered from iWalmartazon has arrived. It’s a onesie that says “My Grandfather Rocks” across the front. His daughter just had her second. A son. She named him Nam.
He reaches the front door. Pulling hard on the dual twelve foot tall wooden red doors, Nam feels a cold chill come across his shoulders as the natural light hits his face. The next few moments happen quickly, and the last thing Nam can remember is the sight of wavy bleach-blonde hair, a jumpsuit adorned with American flag emblems, and a gold necklace with the Olympic logo dangling in front of his face.
And before the world turned black for good, a world he helped heal to levels of prosperity never seen before in society, a world free of conflict, a world of harmony where all humans are treated equally no matter skin color, gender, nor status, he heard his final five words.
“Lolo always gets her precious”.
30) Timmy Try Hard (LW: 4)
Did you all know that Turbo on its own isn’t even a real word? It’s just shortened from Turbine and used as a prefix for other words like turbo-charged.
There’s something to be said about that.
I don’t know what is to be said exactly. And I guess somebody else can say it. I just thought I should point it out.
29) Tamara (LW: 24)
When dealing with an active hostage situation, having eyes on the victim is crucial. Awareness is key. So being actively filmed for a reality television program at the very least gave us a fighting chance of getting her back.
Now though? Now, our chances are slim to none. Tamara may be lost forever. Which is sad, because she still owes me twenty dollars.
28–26) Aneesa, Darrell, Veronica (LW: Arguing Over Who Pays For Bottomless Mimosas At Brunch)
Aneesa’s gonna be pissed when she finds out Veronica and Darrell have been charging breakfast to her room every morning.
You know how Aneesa gets about people charging breakfast to her room.
25) Moriah (LW: 23)
“Fessy, look, I just farted. If anyone asks tell them it was you.”
24) Analyse (LW: 22)
“You’re seriously going to tell me there are no reservations available until 9:30?”
23) Tommy (LW: 18)
“Oh my God Analyse, it’s a spider!”
“Awww, look how cute.”
(If you haven’t noticed, I don’t quite have my fastball this week. I’m throwing junk and painting corners. Somebody get out the Vaseline. I left part of my soul on the beach in St. Petersberg, Florida this weekend. My mind, body, and spirit may never be the same. Plus, ya know, these two aren’t exactly giving muse-level production.)
22) Chauncey B. (LW: 19)
Some would say you’re not a real challenger until you go into an elimination round. Some would say you’re not a real challenger until you hook up with Aneesa. Others would say you’re not a real challenger until TJ laughs at one of your trivia answers.
I would say those people are wrong. You’re not a real challenger until you’re part of a slow-motion Under Armor commercial you didn’t realize you were filming.
21) Nurys (LW: 17)
“I’m the spunky best friend of the main character in a Disney Channel Original Movie here to be her moral compass and guide her through the process of finding herself. Nice to meet you.”
“I asked if you wanted soup or salad.”
“Oh, well in that case salad. Wait, what’s the soup?”
“Cream of Broccoli.”
“Yeah, the salad will be fine.”
20) Jakk with two K’s (LW: 14)
He looks like a dude that might not have weed for sale himself, but his roommate he steals weed from totally does, and he’s just gotta hit him up but needs the cash up front, for reason. But also turns out he doesn’t have weed but he can totally get you some K. Even though you tell him you didn’t want that and ask for your money back. But he already spent it on candy bars at the 7/11.
19) Kim (LW: 16)
Yo, so, your great-great-great-great uncle Aemond is kind of a dick, huh?
18) Colleen (LW: 15)
Yo, so, your great-great-great-great-great uncle Aemond is kind of a dick, huh?
17) Kenny (LW: Quarantining)
Kenny coming onto The Challenge, a show that his sister Kaycee dominates, is a little like Reggie Miller playing basketball when his sister Cheryl Miller was the best women’s basketball player to ever live.
Not totally like it, just a little like it.
I had to push for that one, folks. But if I know the Clark family like I think I do, Kenny will give me enough drunken shouting matches to have ammunition for this space the rest of the season. It can only go up from here.
16) Johnny (LW: 13)
I had a buddy back in the day named Icarus who flew too close to the sun. Didn’t end well for him. But he was kind of a moron, so we’ll see how it goes for Johnny.
15) Ravyn (LW: 12)
Both the Baltimore Ravens and the Challenge Ravyns are 1–1 in the two weeks since Ride or Dies started.
Just in case you wanted to know something pointless.
14) Olivia (LW: 21)
Last week I was like “her partner says she has heart which means she sucks” because I think I’m witty and clever. But I’m not. I’m an idiot.
Although to be fair, her most impressive accomplishment wasn’t completing a daily challenge that not even Fessy could complete. It was being able to function properly at all while being partnered with Horacio and staring at his stupid beautiful face all the time.
13) Horacio (LW: 20)
I genuinely don’t know how old Horacio is, but you know how I know he’s young?
Nobody in their right mind after roughly the age of 28 would jump off anything, do a full front flip, and land directly on their back. I’d be out of commission for at least a week. I might never be okay again.
Go ahead, stand up, walk down your hallway, and purposefully fall. You can finish reading this from your bed, where you’ll be lying the rest of the day.
12) Jordan (LW: Partying In Aneesa’s Hotel Room)
I know everybody made a big deal when he came in, and apparently, he dated Tori or something, but I seriously have no idea who he is. Has he been on The Challenge before? If so, what season? Or is he just one of TJ’s buddies from back home or something?
Guess I’ll have to find out.
11) Jay (LW: 9)
Poor Jay. He’s stuck in a strange cubby hole in the Challenge zeitgeist. He occupies very dangerous lanes.
First and foremost, he’s too good at physical challenges to want to keep around as an opponent, but not good enough to win at a consistent clip. His stature gives him a natural disadvantage in more than enough games that they play in that he’s not someone to be intimidated by.
And yet, if he did manage to sneak into a Final, with the right partner or opponents, he could easily win one of these things, so that’s now roughly a billion reasons to target him from the jump.
He’s also got a little bit of pre-Rivals Paula in her in that he’s friends with plenty of people, but not good friends with any of them. This is something that Jenn was able to use to her advantage back in the day when things were slightly less serious. But in the more modern challenge, that same idea of being friends with everyone in the house, it’s more of a disadvantage, as Jay has found out twice already.
How he breaks out from this slot he’s been nestled into is beyond me. It’s already happening this time around and he’s been in the house for two hours.
If Jay was Fessy’s size, do you think that Johnny would care that there’s this hodgepodge group of rookie veteran casserole that’s forming the shakiest alliance we’ve seen in a while? No, he’d probably have played it safe and gone all rookies against Turbo, playing the “earn your stripes card”.
But Jay was sitting right there, as he always is. And probably always will be. A delicious round of apps before the main course. Fresh bread from a basket with those gold-wrapped butter triangles. Burrata with provolone and blood orange gastrique. Spinach artichoke dip. Holy hell am I hungry.
10) Michele (LW: 8)
Ya don’t say.
9) Scuba Nelly (LW: 7)
This daily challenge was quintessential Nelson. He used the phrase “I don’t recall” with fervor, the first human being to ever do that. He hit the Cabbage Patch before cannon-balling into the water. Instead of focusing on the task at hand, he started celebrating with the rest of the group on the shore, before jumping and grabbing the rope like a complete goof.
Then because of his lack of focus, he was forced to pull off easily the most athletic move out of anyone and one arm pull himself back to the center of gravity while his momentum carried him in the other direction.
Oh, and of course, most on the nose of them all, he lost. For the 53rd (!) consecutive time.
8) Mature Nany (LW: T10)
I’m about a hundred months and like four global conflicts late on this take, but here’s how I feel about the Will Smith/Chris Rock Oscars slap.
The pressure on Will Smith from the outside and especially from inside his brain to finally win his first Best Actor Oscar was insane. He knew deep down this was not only his best chance but probably his last chance. He did the media car wash, he kissed the babies, and he did everything in his power to make this happen for himself. For months on end, for a movie he filmed probably two years prior, “Can Will Smith win his first Best Actor Oscar?” was the narrative that even someone like me who could not care less about the goings on of Hollywood was too well aware of.
In my mind, the pressure just got to him. The water boiled over spilled onto the floor and manifested itself into the strangest thing that’s ever happened at the normally starched and milquetoast Oscars. He got his prize at the end of the night, but at what cost?
This is Nany’s final and best chance at winning one of these things. She’s paired with one of the greatest to ever do it, someone she fully trusts. Save for Tori and Devin, every other legit contender is in a partnership with either an unknown rookie or someone who’s compromised athletically. Not only that, but just about every single one of the jaded vets in the house is in full support of Nany finally winning. Other than maybe Tori, there’s a good chance the rest of the girls in the house would throw their bodies in front of Nany somehow missing the Final.
Let’s just run through the seasons since she made her return from a brief hiatus on War of the Worlds.
On War of the Worlds, her game was in great shape, partnered with the future champ, until a twist with a side of janky eliminations ate up her chances from the inside. War of the Worlds 2, once the numbers turned she just tried holding on as long as she could before the inevitable. Total Madness she was playing for second the minute Jenny walked into the bunker. Double Agents was a great chance, and seemingly whoever was paired with CT was going to win, but she made the worst decision at the worst time and whiffed on taking CT as a partner at the last minute. Spies, Lies, & Allies, another great chance but she rested on her laurels until the game threw her one curveball too many.
This time though, with the details all lining up in her favor (although I still don’t trust production enough to stay out of their way and shake up the teams somehow) it’s the greatest combination of skill, want-to, and luck she’s probably ever going to get.
That’s a lot of pressure for someone who already puts a lot of pressure on themselves. She may be Mature Nany these days, but you are who you are, and the real Nany is always lurking. Will she harness that pressure and use it to propel her toward that elusive win? Will it break her mentally, leading to some sort of fatal fuck up down the line? Or will the game swallow her whole as it has so many times before?
If you’ve been a fan for a long time and were just slowly nodding your head at that timeline above, how can you not be rooting for her?
7) Fessy (LW: 6)
Last week, we left on a cliffhanger. Fessy’s extremely likable friend David asks him a simple question just fifteen minutes into his new podcast adventure. A warm-up exercise if you will. “Have you ever thought about your purpose in this life?”
Let’s find out his answer as we conclude Fessy’s Fortitude — Episode 1…
— So essentially it sounds like the whole football thing didn’t work out, which of course it didn’t. He blamed pretty much everything outside of just not being quite good enough. Okay, fine, perspective sometimes comes later in life.
— Fessy’s answer to his purpose in life boils down to being on The Challenge. That’s right. The Challenge is his purpose in life. Which he figured out the weekend before he recorded this episode. You cannot make this stuff up.
— “I didn’t know what we were gonna talk about on this podcast”. Yeah but….you’re the host?
— I swear to God if the two of them tell me I need to have confidence one more time I’m gonna lose my shit. I’m certainly confident in that.
— “We’re both out here tryna do it, man. And we’re both getting it in.”
— Fessy does give some solid advice and goes off on a monologue about the importance of slowing down in life. Focusing on the task at hand. Eating slower. Winning what you can win at the moment. Wow. I gleaned something from this episode. What the fuck is happening?
— “When you’re at Starbucks, be present in the moment. Greet the barista…is that what you call her?” We’re back!
— Apparently, he decided his friend David would be a good guest for this podcast because he always sees him arguing on Facebook with people. This episode came out on January 5th, 2021. The poetry writes itself.
That concludes our deep dive into Fessy’s Fortitude Episode one. I feel that went about as well as it could have. One half of the podcast was a 30-year-old, super nice, former Marine who is a father of one with another child on the way. And the other half is a reality TV person. I know which one I’ll be taking advice from.
6) Amber (LW: 5)
Single stamina is a real thing. When you’re in a relationship, especially one as fresh as theirs, being social is borderline impossible. You’re booked and busy with the love of your life.
But last time we saw this little of Amber through two episodes of a show, lest we forget, she won the whole thing. So it’s anyone’s guess at this point.
5) Banana (LW: T10)
I have a question, when was that Episode 0 six-person Hall of Fame round-table episode filmed? Was it before Nany and Banana showed up?
I guess the real question is, did Banana know that Jordan was coming? And does he know that Aneesa, Veronica, and Darrell are on their way too?
You have to assume that those six players would naturally have each other’s backs, considering the old guard has no choice but to stick together in a house full of people who know them because their older siblings watched them on cable television.
I just wonder if knowing that reinforcements are coming made it easier to draw a line in the sand and place both him and Nany firmly on the outside of a guaranteed voting block, rather than playing coy like I assumed he would.
But you know what I wonder more than anything else?
4) Devin (LW: 3)
Not only does Devin have the same sweatpants as me, but we also deal with emotions in the same exact way too.
Challengers! They’re just like us!
3) Tori (LW: 2)
I don’t wanna hear a single peep from her now that Jordan’s back. Pretty much all of us have had to go on a reality television competition show with our ex fiances. She’s not special. It would be easier for me to count the people I know who haven’t had to go through that. It’s like when people say #RiseandGrind when they’re just getting up to go to work. Congrats you have a job. Congrats Tori, you got engaged on a reality show, broke up in real life, and now have to be on that same reality show with that person.
We’ve all been through it. Toughen up.
2) Laurel (LW: 1)
The Challenge has enhanced Laurel’s life a ton. There is no doubt about it. It’s brought her money. It’s provided her the ability to scratch her competitive itch at an extremely high and unique level. It’s given her life experiences around the globe that even the wealthiest human in the world couldn’t replicate in totality.
But what The Challenge has truly given to Laurel is a never-ending revolving door of hot men and women for her to gobble up and spit back out. If only the rest of us could be so lucky.
1) Kaycee (LW: Quarantining)
Oh good, I was worried this season was going to be boring.
Viva la Real World!!!
Thanks for reading! Be sure to check back Thursday for Winners & Losers for Episode 3. And as always, Happy Challenge Watching!!!!!
