The Challenge: Ride or Dies Episode 9 Recap — Winners & Losers

Welcome to The Challenge Ride or Dies Episode 9 Recap! And boy do we have some winners and some losers to parse through. We may not have lost any competitors this week, but they lost each other…kind of. Inside this week: American Exceptionalism takes a hit, TJ loses his grip on the show, Moriah finally meets Kenny, and much much more…

Loser: Tangled Necklaces

That is just nonsense hanging from Fessy’s neck right now.

Maybe don’t wear every piece of jewelry you own at once. I know, in a way, they have nothing but time to kill so who really cares, but anyone who wears chains like that knows that de-tangling them can be so frustratingly and impossibly arduous. Especially for someone with hands as big as Fessy’s probably are.

And you know what they say about guys with big hands…..

They’re bad at de-tangling necklaces.

Loser: Avoiding Chores

What do you think the chances are Fessy started crying to Moriah here so that she’d feel bad and clean up the mess he left after eating dinner?

Low, I’m sure. But I just wanted to point out the possibility.

Winner: Moriah The Wise

Did Moriah just explain The Challenge better than anyone ever has? It would make sense considering how many seasons she has under her belt. Still jarring to absorb such clarity though.

Winner: Vulnerability

This, Fessy, is how a real person acts. The vulnerability displayed in this scene Fessy definitely wasn’t cognitively aware was being filmed was beautiful to see. For a guy who’s projected confidence and put up an iron clad wall to hid his insecurities, letting it all out gives fans a reason to attach themselves.

One of the parts that’s missing with the current iteration of The Challenge is not just a consistent feeder show, but fans already having the internal knowledge of this version of any prospective Challenge person because this type of naked exposure of inner-doubts displayed happened all the time on The Real World.

On a personal level, relating to a guy who genuinely believes in their abilities, but doesn’t ever think what he’s accomplished is good enough, is an easy ask. As I’m sure it is for so many of you reading this. We can’t relate to the person Fessy pretends to be. But we can relate to being hard on ourselves. And we can all relate to comparing ourselves to the successes of our peers and having our confidence shaken.

All I’m saying it, more of this, please.

Winner: The Continuously Spinning Globe

Me, on yet another Friday night sitting inside watching TV and eating leftovers from earlier in the week while the city buzzes outside my apartment and seemingly everyone else I know is doing something fun that I turned down an invitation to because I didn’t feel like putting jeans back on.

Loser: Self-Doubt

Me, every time I make another tweet @fessyfitness joke instead of coming up with something new and original.

Loser: American Exceptionalism

Olivia is all of us a week ago pretending to like soccer until The Netherlands shoved a parking cone up our asses. At least I don’t have to hear serious soccer hot takes from people who last watched soccer eight years ago.

Loser: Attempts At Parodying A Parody

I mean I don’t even know what to say. It’s right there. Like taking a frying pan to the face.

Winner: Awesome Ideas

Yup, awesome idea. It’s been an awesome idea, all season. Just like I said. It’s not going to blow up in anyone’s faces.

Winner: Chekov’s Timeline

I wonder if maybe there was a reason for that? Maybe we’ll even get a glimpse of said reason later?

Nah. No way. What a silly prediction that no one would’ve been able to see coming.

Winner: Discount Clothing

Honestly, anyone who pays full price for clothes is a sucker. Shout out to TJ Maxx.

Winner: Pioneering New Sentences

No one, probably not even his own parents, definitely not Tori, and most likely not even Jordan himself, has ever once said that about Jordan. That’s a brand new sentence. That’s a brand new thought.

Loser: True Love

They seem happy. He’s nice. She’s nice. She’s got his initials tattooed on her neck. He’s got multiple nose rings.

But the real shame of it all, is that someone as hot as Chauncey hasn’t been able to unleash himself upon the fellow Challenge women. Again, they seem happy, let’s keep that going, and maybe he didn’t have it in him any way, but just thinking about the What-If’s and What-Could-Have-Been’s as far as New Hot Guy potential goes, is the type of thing that keeps you up at nights.

Winner: The Multiverse

Again, watching Challenge: Australia and Ride or Dies simultaneously is sometimes a bizarre situation. Just two days ago I watched two Aussies go at it in not only that same room but that same bed.

*hits bong*

I’m just, like saying man, what if there were different timelines, man, and this was all happening at once, layered on top of each other, man.

Woah, man, don’t blow my buzz.

Winner: Nurys

I wanna make out with Jordan…must be nice…

Loser: TJ

So it’s the Final not your Final?

Who took it away from him? Who does it belong to now? How does TJ feel about this? Was he acquiring too much power behind the scenes and this was the Challenge God’s way of trampling that? Did he simply just forget to say it? Does he not want The Final anymore? Is this not even TJ, but simply a replicant, and someone failed to program the dialogue correctly and that one little word choice gave away their plan on creating replicants for all of these people and one day be able to create a Challenge season on a computer? Are we all just living in a simulation anyway?

If you have answers to any of those questions, tweet us @fessyfitness as soon as possible. The fate of civilization depends on it.

Loser: Cardiovascular Endurance

Jordan, your thoughts?

Winner: Humans

“Herpdy derp this seems like a good place to graze. Nothing else going on. Hey Tyler, come get a load of this fresh grass.”

“I don’t know, there’s humans over there. Didn’t Levi and Alex tell you about what happened with them?”

“Don’t be a wuss. They’re birds. We’re horses dammit. Have some pride about yourself.”

“Okay, you’re right, this is some pretty good grass.”

“Been saying that. Let’s just graze here for a bit. I don’t gotta be back to the crib until like six. Ole girl’s cookin up some carrots and oats.”

“Well don’t spoil your appetite here…wait a minute..what’s that sound?”

“It’s nothing.”

“Oh, shit, look!”

“I told you this was a bad fucking idea.”

Winner: Stan Podolak

Loser: The Same Old, Same Old

One more Kenny confessional and I’m gonna freak. Talk about over-exposure. He just won’t shut up. Enough is enough. Someone needs to finally speak truth to power on this one and tell them that the people are fed up. We want less Kenny and we want it now!

Winner: Jim Halpert

Loser: The Challenge USA Cast

Drink!

Loser: Romance At Inappropriate Times

Yeah, Kaycee, looking at the stars makes me think of my girlfriend too, but now it’s the time to get all cute. It’s also day time.

Winner: Sunday Mornings

Winner: The Maps In Moriah’s Past

/

“But a few years ago? You shoulda seen me. That’s all I did was look at maps. Dreaming of travel. Of sailing across the world. Of witnessing earth and all the beauty it beholds.

But then I downloaded Instagram, and that was, like, way easier to be good at.”

Winner: Pioneering New Sentences (Part 2)

Totally.

Loser: Nelson

This result, the exact way this went down, where Fessy and Moriah smoked every single other team, is the reason Nelson should’ve put Fessy in there when he had the chance. They could have definitely lost in the crap shoot of an elimination to Jay and Michele, even if they had similar support from the house.

Moriah and Fessy destroyed everyone. Every since that barrel challenge they won earlier in the season, they’ve been the secret Boogeyman this entire time.

I guess none of that will matter soon enough, though, so as always, everything’s coming up Nelson right now.

Loser: Johnny Bananas and I

Last week I predicted that the shake up TJ teased us with would be that last place in the daily automatically goes in and the winner chooses their opponent.

But I’m wrong about everything all the time, so of course that’s not how it’s ultimately going to shake out in a little bit. But based on Johnny’s joke-sprouted-from-a-kernal-of-truth in the screenshot above, looks like he had the same prediction. Or maybe he was just being a jackass, what do I know.

Loser: Jonathon The Clumsy Production Assistant

They bring those humongous Challenge letters everywhere. Those letters of the alphabet have get trotted around whichever country they’re filming in like the Stanley Cup.

And then Jonathon, who only has the job because he’s the nephew of somebody important, and the current bane of everyone’s existence, is one day trusted to do something beyond a coffee run, and get assigned to carry one of the L’s, drops it onto a jagged rock creating a noticeable dent right above the cast’s headline in the frame of their pre-planned camera shots.

Fucking Jonathon…

Winner: The Rest of This Season

100%. Love it. LOVE. IT.

This is great. Team seasons are great. Keep the teams the rest of the way. No other gimmicks. No more Ride or Die pairs. Don’t do some bullshit where they both have to go into elimination if they get voted in or something (which is absolutely how this is going to be). Keep it clean. Keep it simple. Not going to happen because they can’t help themselves, but a boy can dream. This is gonna be a hundred times more interesting than every pair talking about how much they love each other the rest of the season and votes falling into place.

Love. It.

Loser: Bringing Down The Mood

Enough. Is. Enough.

Seriously, one more Kenny confessional and I’m shutting this blog down for good. It’s just too much. I’m tapped out on Kenny and his jokes monopolizing the energy of every episode.

Winner: Turning Weaknesses Into Strategies

Lmao, I mean, of course you would say that.

(shout out Nany)

Well really the only thing is actually winning the Final. But one step at a time.

Loser: Snitches

Jesus, Amber. Mind ya own beeswax.

Winner: Weather Metaphors

Winner: Challenge Board Games

Why isn’t there a Challenge version of Guess Who?

Loser: Half-Truths

Yeah, but one person can make you lose. But more on that in a bit.

Winner: Nature

“I’m not going back in there George.”

“Why the fuck not, Alex.”

“You know what happened last week. Mom was right. Human’s are disgusting.”

Loser: Playing With Fire

Who’s right and who’s wrong and what was said is all just semantics. Let’s just say there’s a reason they hadn’t seen each other in a year and a half.

The Challenge, bringing people together since 1998.

Winner: Hilarious Jokes

I guess you could call it a……

…….

…..banana split!

Winner: The Illusion of Control

This draft really was only going to go one way. With the way TJ explained, how the pairs would be opposing each other, Jordan and Kaycee were the clear first two options. And of course Fessy’s not going to let Moriah get both Jordan and Johnny, so he was the obvious next pick too. Which means that Moriah’s next pick was the only real turning point, but it’s strange that the rules of the game were actually the ones drafting, not even the two winners. Funny ball, funny bounces type of thing.

Winner: Meeting New People

“Hi, I’m Moriah nice to meet you.”

“Hey. I’m Kenny.”

“Cool, so you’re Kaycee’s brother or whatever right?”

“Yeah, we’ve known each other for awhile.”

“Yeah, that’s awesome. Well, cool, yeah, welcome to the team and I’m happy to finally meet you.”

Winner: Devin and Tori

Them being the last team left is, in a way, a compliment. So many picks were made based on who the other team would be stuck with, so the fact that they fell all the way to end meant that both players would be okay with having either of them.

So just as we all thought during Rivals 3. Eventually, Devin would be known to be the most reliable, malleable, and dependable players in the game.

Winner: The Dust Settling

So here we are. Two teams, one dream. There’s really no one left that’s a total disadvantage in (most) daily challenges. And we still don’t know how eliminations are going to work, which is basically the variable that will decide how this game shakes out the rest of the way.

As much as I don’t want the rest of the season to devolve into a “How do we get rid of Aneesa” game, but that’s pretty much where we’re at if these teams stick the rest of the way. If there’s one tried and true Challenge law, is that it doesn’t matter which team has the best players, only who has the worst.

Viva La Real World!!!

Thanks for reading! See you this weekend for a fresh batch of Power Rankings! And until then, as always, Happy Challenge Watching!!!