The Challenge: Ride or Dies Episode 8 Recap — Winners & Losers
Welcome to Winners & Losers for The Challenge Ride Or Dies Episode 8! The Survivor players failed to survive this week, and our favorite rookies continued their heater. Things can only go up from here! Inside this week: Jordan needs a new shirt, Moriah catches an Uber, TJ drops bars, and much much more…
Winner: Sweet and Spicy Cocktails
There was a cocktail at the champagne lounge I used to work at called Seven Strangers that was created when The Real World: Skeletons was filming down the street and we’d see them walking around the neighborhood all the time.
As an aside, their reputation within the Chicago service industry was insanely low by the time they were done terrorizing the city. Most places just kind of refused to have them. Tony stealing bottles was apparently a regular occurrence.
Anywho, the beverage was a spicy margarita, essentially, where the tequila was infused with jalapenos for 24 hours and was served with a Tajin rim. Sweet and spicy. The Amber of cocktails.
This shit rocked.
Not even kidding, we had regulars that would come two or three times a week, sit at the bar after they were finished with work, drink one of those cocktails, then go home. It was like an addiction for some people. Then super-genius me one day asked the bartenders to split one cocktail into four shots and, as they say in the business, the rest was history.
Good times, good memories, folks. One day that’s all you’ll have left.
Winner: Staying On Message
Winner: Michael Oher
Does anyone else really want Taco Bell?
Winner: Nature
“I don’t know George, Mom always said don’t go in water that humans have been swimming in for at least three hours.”
“Oh don’t be such a little whiny bitch, Alex.”
Loser: Being Uncultured
I’ve spent at minimum ninety seconds trying to figure out what Aneesa and Devin are eating for breakfast. Is that like stir fry? Stir fry for breakfast? That makes no sense.
Anyone who is much more culturally and culinary savvy and knows what is in those bowls tweet us @fessyfitness with the answer.
Loser: Stating The Obvious
Well yeah, duh. Jordan was only 5'2" on his first season.
Loser: Steven Glansberg
Loser: Having To Watch Johnny Live My Dreams
If I were a Make-a-Wish kid I would most likely wish for Horacio to smash a cake in my face from behind.
Preferably shirtless.
So good for you Johnny. Must be nice.
Loser: The Closed Caption Person Forgetting The Joke
Don’t they know they’re supposed to put (shout out Nany) after that?
Winner: Olivia, Moriah, Aneesa, Michele, Nany, Kaycee, Nurys, Tori, & Amber
Nothing like an unexpected day off of work. I feel as though those days are even better than the weekend. That’s, at the very least, when the most grandiose lunches are eaten. What’s that Postmates? This delivery from the Mexican restaurant down the street is going to be $45 after taxes, fees, hidden fees, and driver tip?
Yeah, that sounds great. It’s my day off. Let’s ride.
Big shout out to all of them for essentially being able to do nothing while their male partners played pretend superhero on a complicated vehicular jungle gym. Sit back, relax, and watch Horacio jump on cars.
Loser: Being Overly Frugal
Hey Jordan, why don’t we go get you a new shirt bud. Target sells black t-shirts for like seven dollars. I get the whole look with the rips and the tears and what not. It’s cool. I got it. But the safety pin is a bit much.
He’s still super hot though. So, ya know. Joke’s on me.
Loser: Passing The Buck
I do gotta say on the front end that editing is magic and time within any reality television show is simply a construct. Therefore, this confessional in which Jay claims he wants to get rid of Johnny to ensure he doesn’t win again occurring after he’s had two straight chances to say his name directly and failed to do so, is possibly just the Challenge Gods being whimsical with time and making Jay look hypocritical by slotting a confessional he filmed the day he arrived at the house into a situation it retroactively applied to.
Also Jay kind seems like the type of guy who just says stuff to say stuff when he gets into the interview room. Throw enough buzzwords at the wall and see which ones stick.
Maybe I should just shut up and enjoy the hot dudes jumping across cars.
Loser: Small Talk
“So how long have you been in Argentina?”
“….”
“I SAID HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN IN ARGENTINA?!”
“Oh, ha, sorry, I was hanging my head out of the window. I’m actually in the middle of something right now. What did you say?”
“I said, how long have you been in Argentina?”
“Oh, just a few weeks. How long have you been driving for Uber?”
“Few months now. Daughter just left for college in the fall, so I do this a few days a week for side money to send off to her.”
“Oh, how nice.”
“Yeah.”
“Yeah.”
Loser: Kaycee and Kenny’s Faces
At this point, I’m pretty positive that the lack of Kaycee and Kenny in this season is actually a running joke that only the Challenge Gods find funny.
They’re so invisible to the proceedings that in their entire turn not once was their faces fully even shown. They edited around them almost as much as possible. If you re-watch the scene, it’s actually hilarious how little they’re even shown in the 19(!) seconds allocated towards their turn.
My favorite part about watching Total Madness is seeing glimpses of Dee and how they managed to edit the show in a way that you only saw her from behind, but the times where it was unavoidable are always my favorite.
That’s how watching their turn this week felt. As if anytime they were shown, I was seeing something I wasn’t supposed to.
Winner: Bold, If Not Insane, Predictions
I’m gonna say something really crazy and totally out of pocket and if you decide to close this article and never read any word I write ever again, then I totally understand. It’s about to get really zany around here, and some out there may simply just be unable to stomach this dish I’m about to serve them.
Ready?
I bet Jordan’s gonna be awesome at this.
There. I said it. And I’m not gonna back down. I’ll see you all in hell.
Winner: Finally Being Right
Loser: Tortured Metaphors
Ya know I thought nobody waterboarded an unnecessary metaphor better then me, but then Jordan said this.
Just add it to the list of ways Jordan’s superior to me. I’m pretty sure ‘haircut’ is all that’s written down on my side at this point.
Winner: TJ Lavin, Dropping Bars
Loser: Ideas So Good That They’re Ultimately Bad
Oh my God, if Target had a bar I’d never see my girlfriend again.
Loser: Competition
Who has a bigger crush on Horacio?
Laurel, Me, or Jordan?
Tweet us @fessyfitness with your answer and we’ll send out the results next week!
Winner: Framing
Hang this in the Louvre.
Loser: Paranoia
Watching Amber make a planet out of a peanut with Hug Gate is the most textbook example of the exact type of environment this show sets out to foster.
Being an over thinker is probably a death sentence in a game like this. Each week, four teams are in peril, which means that essentially no one can be entirely comfortable. And it’s not like Michele and Amber have known each other for decades and they have a friendship that’s withstood the test of time. They basically just met, and it’s not that I’m questioning whether their friendship and the bond they feel is real or not. But any relationship as lightly battle tested as theirs is going to get real shaky the longer it lasts in a Challenge house.
Hell, I’m such an over thinker myself that if I were in this environment with my best friend of 29 years I’d probably talk myself into a mindset that they never even liked me in the first place. Shorten that relationship by 95%? Please, I’d be curled up in the fetal position on the bathroom tile, looking up the soonest flight home in my Southwest app.
Whether Michele rejected Amber’s hug coldly or not, isn’t really important. Any reality can exist if you think about it hard enough.
Winner: Understanding That Words Matter
I’m not sure that Chauncey knows what the word shove means.
He really shoved nuance out of the picture with that incendiary language, didn’t he?
Winner: Me Succumbing To Jordan’s Style Because I have Nothing Left To Give
What in the world is that leggings/shorts/flannel jacket/cowboy hat combo?
What is that?
Could you imagine walking out of the house like that?
Who is letting him leave the house? Why isn’t anyone putting a stop to this? Why won’t he just dress like an adult? But I guess the most important question of them all is simple…
Winner: Senior Year of High School
You know at the end of high school, when mostly everyone stopped caring about appearance and wore baggy sweatpants and hoodies to school every day?
That’s Amber at the clurb right now. Not having any of it. Tough day in Chemistry class. Ready to go meet college boys. She grabbed the first clean sweatshirt she could, and didn’t even bother to brush her hair. Respect.
Loser: Sea Creatures
I’ll tell ya what, what comes next may sound crass, but that’s fine. I’m firm on this belief.
There is no fish or turtle or whatever the fuck that I care enough about to use a paper straw. I’m so sorry. Maybe I’m just a coddled product of the comforts of modernity, but I simply cannot adjust to paper straws. I’m so sorry to all of the dead plankton. I really am. But paper straws are barbaric and need to be eradicated from society immediately. Nice try environmentalists, keep on keepin on and all that but you’re just gonna have to do better.
Winner: My Perfect, Precious, Preposterously Adorable Dog Willa
I wish my dog had this attitude towards possibly getting a bite when I make a plate of food for myself.
Anyways, here’s a gratuitous photograph of the adorable angel staring patiently at the plate of Thanksgiving food we made for her.
She’s been farting non stop ever since.
You’re tellin me.
Loser: Manners
Fessy, just stop doing bicep curls for like five minutes and have a conversation with your partner.
Winner: Easy Questions To Answer
Rectangles and timing, mostly.
Loser: Misplaced Emotions
While I totally understand why this decision is tricky for Nelson, at least emotionally, being that upset about being safe in front of all of these people is a little like complaining to a homeless man that you don’t feel well because you ate too much.
If I were Jay, Michele, Fessy, Moriah, Olivia, or Horacio, watching Nelson be that upset about being able to go stand back up on the podium with the rest of the house would in turn make me upset at him. Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth, just strap a saddle to it and ride.
Plus, it’s such an easy decision. Obviously he’s going to put Faysal and Moriah in there. Make two strong, potential Final-winning threats go against each other and knock at least one obstacle standing in your path towards cashing that fat check out of the way.
Such an easy decision. Not even Nelson could screw this one up.
Loser: Decision Making Under Duress
Oh God dammit Nelson.
Let’s take a beat here and just sort of examine the bigger picture and where we are in the game at the moment Nelson makes this (in my opinion) incorrect decision.
Put yourself in Nelson’s jeans for a second. You’re feeling pretty good. This season’s sort of shaking out in a best case scenario type of way. You finally got the monkey off your back and won a daily challenge. Shit, you even won a second one just a few weeks later! You found yourself a smokin’ hot girl that you genuinely have feelings for that’s keeping your bed warm and your soul soothed and giving you a reason to get up in the morning. As far as the game goes, you’re firmly in the middle and on absolutely no one’s radar. You have a partner who can not only keep up with you running, but is good at all of the things you are not. For the first time, probably ever, you’re set up to actually win one of these. To cash that giant check.
The only real threats to you in a Final are Johnny and Nany, Fessy and Moriah (probably), Tori and Devin, and Jay and Michele (maybe). Horacio and Olivia are both rookies, and rookies rarely ever win these things, so they’re probably not really a true threat. Amber and Chauncey, maybe, but they also might not be able to chew bubble gum and walk at the same time. Kaycee and Kenny are barely there, and Jordan and Aneesa’s threat level in a Final speaks for itself.
Outside of Nelson’s thought process being not to burn the Fessy bridge for fear of future dagger draws (which, I mean, even that is shaky at best), there is absolutely no reason Nelson shouldn’t have chosen Fessy and Moriah to go in against Jay and Michele. And Fessy knows it too. Look at his reaction again.
That’s the reaction of someone who was entirely sure that they were about to get sent in. All of the things I typed out above were already in Fessy’s head. He knew Nelson would say his name, because that’s exactly what Fessy would have done in that situation.
Switch Fessy and Nelson’s names in that hypothetical scenario I laid out. Fessy’s in the exact same spot as far as both who’s a threat and who isn’t and their comfortable spot in the social aspect of the game.
Usually I don’t like to get too deep in the mud with semantics, especially considering I’m sitting at home on my couch drinking cocktails while they’re under the lights and being vacuum sealed by their emotions. But this time Nelson fucked up. Not in the way that Jay and Michele have been fucking up. That’s just sloppy.
This was unbridled, black and white, poor decision making. And for the sake of Nelson and my own enjoyment of future episodes, I hope it doesn’t come back around onto him.
Loser: Language
I have to say, I never expected Horacio to have such a potty mouth. I feel like jerk’s a little harsh, Nelson’s a nice guy ya know? Doesn’t really deserve all that.
Kids these days have no fucking manners at all.
Winner: Jay and Michele
There is a fundamental paradox within this game’s DNA that I’m not sure can ever be entirely solved. A missing sticker on the Rubik’s cube.
What’s the easiest way to win The Challenge? Do nothing. Have no impact. Be invisible and then run the farthest the fastest while completing a few puzzles along the way. Be Bennett, and don’t be in it.
There’s a major issue with that philosophy though. They’re also filming a television show. Which requires, ya know, stuff to happen. Impact to be felt. Not invisibility, but transparency. The clashing of those two ideas has directly led to the car washed, squeaky clean game we’ve watched for the last two seasons (as well as Challenge USA, which was riddled with this thinking). This is a ton of money on the line. I don’t blame any of them for Moneyball-ing their way through the minefield. You almost owe it to yourself to play that way. You sort of have to.
Because otherwise you end up like Jay and Michele.
I’m not going to waste time being upset at their silly decision making, their sloppy strategies, their insistence on social and political incompetence. Mistakes are okay. Not only are they okay, they’re interesting. There’s nothing interesting about perfection. Congratulations, you figured out The Challenge, Tyson. We’re all super proud of you.
Thank you for playing the game for those of us imperfect people out here. For those of us who feel comfortable throwing stones because our house isn’t made out of glass, shout out to Jay and Michele. This skunked beer in a dented can is for you.
Winner: All Of Us With Eyes And a Hypothalamus
Yeah, but, sometimes perfection is fun too.
Winner: Sharing Clothes
Wait a minute…
Did Amber leave Michele her jacket? Did Amber borrow Michele’s Donna from That 70’s Show jacket and then when she got eliminated, Amber forgot to give it back? Was Amber simply borrowing Amber’s Donna from That 70’s Show jacket during their day trip to drink Aperol Spritz’z downtown?
I need to know the origin story to this jacket immediately. If only because I’m not going to care as soon as I finished typing this sentence.
What’s that Fessy?
Yeah, you’re right, I stopped caring before even beginning to type that sentence. Dammit, ever since we started sharing a Twitter account, you just know me so freakin’ well. Can’t get nothin’ past you.
Winner: The Return of the King
NAM AND LOLO! COME ON DOWN!!!
Why don’t the two of you just participate in the fun for once?
….viva la real world or whatever I guess…
Thanks for reading! Apologies for no Challenge Australia recaps, I gave myself a mini late holiday vacation, but they’ll be back next week! See you soon for another batch of Power Rankings. And until then, as always, Happy Challenge Watching!!!
