Welcome to The Challenge Ride Or Dies Episode 6 Recap! Winners and Losers style, and boy did we sure have a few of those this week. I just wanted to start by saying I’m thankful for TJ, Nelson, Lolo Jones, Laurel, Shauvon, Adam Royer, Leroy, Nany, Nam, and most importantly of all, I’m thankful for each and every single one of you who take time out of their day to read these recaps. It means so much to me. There’s a lot of shit to waste your time with, and you choosing to welcome me into your heads to make my stupid jokes for just a few minutes, means so much. But enough of the sappy shit, let’s have some fun! Inside this edition: Jay gives his take on the state of the world, Bananas serves your table, Amber stays on brand and much much more…
Winner: Michele — A Woman of the People
I’ve long worked under the assumption (back to those in a second) that wearing jeans inside your own house upon return to said house for longer than ~five minutes is a crime against humanity and anyone who does so should be punished to the full extent of whichever law the fashion police preside over.
Michele coming home, heading upstairs, and immediately changing into sweatpants is a move I can respect. Especially the not folding of the jeans and halfheartedly tossing them onto the bed portion. It’s a move I do every day. I’m sure you sitting on the toilet reading this on your phone are excited to do the same thing when you get home from whatever holiday festivities you have planned tonight.
So when you’re finally free of the gobble-gobble-stress-vortex that this day usually is, arrive home tonight, and immediately shed your outfit for the nearest leisure-wear within reach, in that moment of bliss remember Michele, and all she’s given us the prior two weeks, and be thankful.
I don’t think it’s possible for Kaycee or Kenny to be pissed off about anything. The two of them take docile to another level. All brother and sister pairs bicker, but do they? I can’t even picture her getting into couple fights with Nany. Which, beyond all of her Challenge accomplishments, and even convincing Nany to settle down in the first place, might be her most impressive feat to date.
Winner: Jay’s Nuanced Take On The State of Society
Winner: Unintentionally Topical References
Snake, shake, like a rattle, get it?
I. Love. Those. Water. Bottles.
Couple Q’s. Do they get to take them home with them once they’re done? So, for example, does Nelson just have a half dozen re-usable water bottle’s with his name glued onto the side? If so, can I have one of them? Also, can I buy one for myself that says something cool (because my name is super boring) like “The Boy Illinois”?
Not that anyone’s ever called me that, but, I’d like to think that people will one day start calling me that. Everyone’s got a dream.
Loser: Saying Things Just To Say Them
Maybe if you say no just one more time she’ll believe you.
Nelson did not remember saying this the minute he walked away. Either that or this conversation took place a month ago. There is no in between.
Winner: Body Language
I don’t know how this conversation started, it’s always fascinating to me when I see something like Jordan and Chauncey hanging out because I have no context for their relationship. Did they have bedside chats before this? They’re technically roommates, they shit and eat in the same places, so they had to have talked about sports or where they’re from or whatever.
Regardless of their relationship status on Facebook, Jordan’s body language speaks volumes about how much he trusts what Chauncey’s telling him.
Chauncey’s basically like “look, Jay’s doing his own shit, and just because you’re his target, doesn’t mean you’re mine. We’re totes cool.” And what does Jordan do as soon as he says it? He turns his head! He can’t even look at him. What, you think a squirrel ran by the window?
He doesn’t believe a word of what Chauncey’s saying, but he’s not gonna just be a dick about it. Young Jordan may have, but Wise Jordan moves much smoother.
Body language says everything.
Winner: Girls Out Drinking
“Ohmygod wait, let’s take a pic!”
“(laughing at nothing)”
“Wait, take another one I look weird hahahahhahaha”
I can hear that picture being taken all the way from Argentina.
Winner: Couple’a Wile Vets Jousting In Argentina
Darrell and Johnny are not going to pull the wool out from under the other. They’re two old dogs aware of all the tricks. This interaction was both coded and overt. And everything I love about this show.
Johnny, while being totally self serving in his attempts to garner another pair to his side by playing the old-head routine, is actually right. Darrell and Veronica probably would be best served to attach themselves to Johnny and Nany, simply to be able to volley the old-head card back when the time comes. (Editor’s Note: This is a bad take, in retrospect)
But Darrell’s right too. Johnny is only saying this because it’s convenient for him. I just find it hard to believe that Johnny isn’t self-aware enough to know that Darrell’s going to find his plea to be self-serving. So, in a way, being that obvious is another arrow in the quiver of truth.
Watching the two of them, and Veronica commenting after, mentally joust and create synthetic, hypothetical deals is the reason this show is the greatest. It almost doesn’t matter what words either of them say. They’re communicating in vibes. Both Darrell and Johnny knew exactly what the other was attempting to communicate. Veronica was able to understand exactly the conversation without even having been there. It’s an intrinsic Challenge language you develop and sharpen over the years.
Loser: Projecting Your Own Insecurities Onto Reality Television People
I think part of the reason I get so judgey about Jordan’s style is because if I wore a hat like that I’d look like an idiot and Jordan looks like a sexy, mysterious, prospector from the 1860’s who mysteriously arrived one day on horseback attempting to buy the town I live in claiming that there’s oil under the ground and if we just allow him to drill he’ll eventually bestow riches upon us all.
Winner: Whomever Has Jay On Cocktail Duty
There is no chance in hell that Jay is a double fisting type of guy, so that raises the obvious question, who’s he buying a drink for?!?!?
You’re right, it’s probably Michele.
Winner: Aperol Spritz’z
Aperol Spritz’z (Spritzi?) are having a moment. Between season two of White Lotus and this commercial shoehorned into last night Challenge episode, they’re really all over the place lately. It is a refreshing drink. But most importantly, it looks super cool. When you see that red wine glass filled with oranges and something that looks like fizzy fruit punch walk past you at a bar, how can you not want one for yourself.
I mean, they’re in light jacket weather on a rooftop patio bar, in Argentina, overlooking the city, on their day off. The only thing missing is Turbo throwing a temper tantrum about everyone getting an Aperol Spritz besides him. If that doesn’t make you want a refreshing red beverage, then you can just get the hell out.
Everyone, my place, BYdOAPEROLSPRITZ, next Saturday, 7:30 p.m., $5,000 cover charge, ladies get in free. Lolo? Nam? Your thoughts?
Ya know, the two of you can kinda be a drip sometimes.
Omg I love that show! That’s the one with the hot dudes in newsboy hats right?
Okay, you’re right, I never watched Peaking Blinders. But I once had a roommate who totally did. Okay, you’re right, my roommate never watched it either. We totally wanted to, there’s just so much content out there, ya know?
Loser: Being That Couple
I’m all about showing affection for those you love, but what are we doing here?
Winner: Challenge Fun Facts
There’s never been a George or an Oscar on any season of the Challenge.
We had a Georgia at one point and have definitely had our fair share of grouches. But, sadly, no George or Oscar.
See? Wasn’t that fact fun?
So what if he is? The colorblind amongst us, and I’ll speak for the group as one does these days, stand against all those who can see colors (we call them Rainbow Seeers) and look down upon those who cannot as well as them.
I, nee, we will be expecting an apology in your next Instagram post, Amber.
Winner: The Director of Photography
Hang this in the Louvre.
Winner: Ticking Time Bombs
It’s only a matter of time. If anyone’s the MVP of this season, it’s Jordan for keeping his patience for as long as he has. Tick…tick…tick…
Winner: Wedding Crashers
You old sailor you!
Loser: Same Old Same Old
I am so sick and tired of Nelson winning daily challenges at this point. Somebody else needs to step up, it’s getting stale and eventually I’m just going to start to tune out. Too predictable.
Winner: Fun Words
Not only easy, but it’s fun too. Say it out loud. Bananas. Bananas. Bananas.
See, wasn’t that fun?
Winner: Johnny’s County-Western Album, Coming To a Walmart Near You
Winner: Keeping It Within The Brand
Winner: Chauncey B., Amber’s Assistant
Winner: Michael Lewis
Amber loves the word blindside. Maybe she needs glasses. She apparently never sees anything coming.
Loser: Bad Service
Could you imagine sitting down at a restaurant and then Johnny Bananas walks up to you and says “Hi my name’s John, I’ll be taking care of you today.”
I guess that’s probably the same feeling anyone had back in the day when Trishelle and Kendal and all them were living in LA trying to become actors. Chances are they were working serving or bartending jobs to pay the rent. OnlyFans was merely a sparkle in some horndog’s eye back then. I bet they were so bad at it too. Dreadful. Serving tables is hard, being a reality TV person isn’t.
Winner: The Homecoming King and Queen
Winner: Those Drinks
What are Amber and Chauncey drinking? They look delicious af. Are those just enormous vodka lemonades? Lemon Drop shots, but as cocktails on the rocks in a beer glass? I cannot for the life of me figure it out I’ve probably stared at this screenshot for at least three and a half minutes.
If anyone knows what exactly those cocktails are, tweet us @fessyfitness and let us know.
Loser: Luckily Not Chauncey’s Torso
Well, only sending half of him would be super weird. I guess Amber could be really into magic and do one of those cut her assistant in half on stage with a saw type things. But again, would be super weird.
Loser: Staying Up Later Than You Should
This whole fireside chat that is mere minutes away from going completely off the rails could have been avoided entirely if Michele would have just gone to bed.
Seems like it was a particularly fun evening at the brewery, and the level of drunk across the board is pretty high. Michele can barely keep her eyes open. Jay had it right when they all got home and he shouted for everyone to go to bed.
Winner: Switching Things Up
So did Horacio move too? Was Laurel’s exit just too emotional for him and he felt as though he just couldn’t bear to be in that room any longer? He seem quite comfortable on that top bunk that isn’t, or wasn’t, his.
I only ask the tough questions around here.
Speaking of tough questions…
What kind of chips to we think Darrell’s eating?
If there are options available, there is no greater drunk snack chip in the entire world than regular-ass nacho cheese Doritos. I could eat an entire bag right now, actually. Maybe I’ll skip out on roasting the 15 pound turkey sitting in my fridge and just eat Doritos tonight instead.
For the last year or so I’ve almost exclusively been watching movies from the 80’s and 90’s. Because, well, to be honest, movies suck these days. Obviously there’s some good ones here and there, but most great story ideas just get turned into TV shows now. And I’m just about tapped out on starting anything new. Pilots can be such a slog.
But the greatest difference, outside of quality, between movies now and then is the astronomical amount of cigarettes being smoked by nearly every single character. It’s insane. Those sets must have smelled so bad. Maybe not though, maybe people were just used to it back then their noses adapted. Because that’s one thing about actual cigarettes being almost eradicated from society and replaced by vaping, when you do smell one, the scent is beyond intoxicating. It engulfs your entire being.
I say all that to say this, let’s bring cigarette’s back. I hate to say it, and maybe it’s just the times that I grew up in, but people look cool smoking a cigarette. They just do. I don’t know what it is, and this show has edited around the current smokers on the cast so much, but when I get a glimpse of them smoking, like we do with Devin in this scene, I just feel all warm and fuzzy inside as if my soul leaves my body just a tiny bit with each whisp of smoke rising from between their finger tips. I’m taken back to a simpler time where we all ruined our lungs through second hand smoke by having the ordacity to step into a restaurant.
Winner: Picking Up Your Peers When They’re Down
I’ll tell ya what, if there were anyone I can think of that needed the ego boost from their name being foisted upon a season they did not participate in, it’s Wes.
Loser: Growing Up
You wanna know who would’ve been thriving in the middle of this drunk nonsense argument?
At least the Nany we all grew up with would have.
Winner: Nelson & Nurys, Sneaky Smart
Am I crazy for thinking that saying Amber and Chauncey B.’s name was the smartest decision?
If you had to bet on one of those four teams winning a daily challenge, trivia’s still lingering don’t forget, which would you take last? Amber and Chauncey, right?
There is no political heft to Amber and Chauncey. There is no deep tie that’s going to be forced to target those who oppose them. They’re just kind of there. They don’t win, they don’t lose, in this current state of the game, they’re just kind of there.
This way Nelson and Nurys can pull the ‘we technically saved you’ card on three veteran-ass teams. While still keeping Devin and Tori happy, which therefore keeps the waters settled. At least for now. Still waters run deep, ya feel?
Plus, low key, at this point, Nelson and Nurys are as good of a bet to win a daily challenge as every other pair remaining. She keeps him focused, and fills in all the gaps where Nelson’s aptitude isn’t up to snuff. By now, what’s stopping them from winning anything?
Winner: Conspiracy Theorists
Look, anyone who genuinely thinks that there’s some sort of production interference to keep Nany and Johnny safe is, quite frankly, an idiot.
Boy, the last two weeks sure is providing the loonies with plenty of ammo.
Winner: Maintaining Consistent Personal Brand Messaging Across All Platforms
Winner: Doing What Amber Did, Only For The Company You Work For
Ha, challenging. I get it. Like the show.
Winner: Santa Claus, Hopefully
From what I’ve been told, Santa, is that you see me when I’m sleeping and you know when I’m awake. Well see me now when I tell you that I want that exact Challenge branded mug for Christmas.
Loser: Receiving Advice You Never Asked For
“Oh, look at the pattern? I didn’t even think of that! I was too busy staring at Horacio’s beautiful face! How silly of me. If only I were looking at the pattern.”
Loser: Finally Being Over Having Johnny Bananas’ Poor Service
Loser: The Galaxy
To all you Star Wars fans out there, I apologize. I tried so so so hard to shoehorn an Anakin/Obi Wan reference in here, I just couldn’t figure it out. I mean, I gave it all of ninety seconds, but still, that’s almost triple the amount of thought I usually put into these things.
Loser: Buried Envy
Why people don’t vibe with Amber is beyond me. It’s definitely one of those “gotta experience it to know it” situations. Nothing that’s ever been shown on screen had been necessarily unlikable. And yet, she struggles to make friends in this game. Could be something as simple as this specific super cliquey group of current vets just aren’t her people. There’s nothing wrong with that. Everybody’s not gonna get along with everybody.
Yet, part of me thinks that there’s a little something that’s truly driving the disdain that none of them will ever admit.
She’s a champ, and they’re not.
Devin, Tori, Nany, Faysal, Nelson, they’ve all spent the last three seasons with this girl. They’ve given more to this show during that span than Amber could ever dream of. And yet, she’s a champion, and they’re not.
Envy just has to be at least a small part of this. Deep down, they all probably think that she doesn’t deserve that Double Agents championship, at least compared to themselves. They’ve earned it, she didn’t. She got lucky. Went to the casino once and hit the jackpot. While they’ve been pushing quarters into the slot machine for years. None of them seem to be particularly impressed with her win, even bringing it up is more of an afterthought, an appendix to whatever criticism is being lobbed their way.
Maybe I’m wrong, it could just be that she rubs people the wrong way. It’s hard to know for sure, she’s barely been on television despite years of being on television.
Winner: Appearance Fees
As the great Jalen Rose once said, Keep Gettin Dem Checks!
VIVA LA ROAD RULES!!!
Thanks for reading! Have a great holiday and I’ll see you back here on Sunday for a fresh batch of Power Rankings, and until then, Happy Challenge Watching!!!