The Challenge: Ride or Dies Episode 4 Recap — Winners & Losers
Welcome to Winners & Losers for Episode 4 of Ride or Dies! We said goodbye to a rookie-rookie pair, but I missed it considering most of the episode was filled up with hot reality tv people hooking up with each. Six to midnight doesn’t even begin to describe it. Anywho…Inside this week: Laurel’s suction cups aren’t working, production malfeasance almost leads to the death of an Argentinian civilian, Nelson does the thing , and much much more…
Loser: Part Three
Logic? Really?
I appreciate the spirit of the song itself, but…Logic? The lamest rapper rapping?
Topping Big Dick Energy as Aneesa and Jordan’s walk-up song was always going to be a tough task. But still…we could’ve done so much better than a Logic song.
Winner: Pioneering
The Challenge is a kid’s game; eventually, everyone gets told to stop playing. For some, that’s a short time, for others, well, apparently, that time might never come.
For whatever it’s worth, winning or not, being able to pull Darrell and Veronica, two genuine reality television pioneers and first-ballot Challenge Hall of Famers, out of their back pocket is a pretty slick arrow this show still has in its quiver.
Don’t make me say it…
Fine, I’ll say it…
How can you not be romantic about The Challenge?
Winner: CT
Darrell planted the cherry tree, and CT ate the pie.
That man stays winning.
Winner: Knowing Too Much About People
I could totally see that. Low key, Michele looks like a farter too.
Loser: Groveling
No one likes a beggar. Even the closed caption guy ain’t buyin’ it.
Loser: Arcane One Coupon Per Visit Rules
It’s crazy, the manager at Burger King said the same thing to me last week when I tried to use two Buy One Whopper, Get One Free coupons in one visit.
Never eating at that Burger King again, I’ll tell you that much.
Loser: Re-Living Disappointment
Yeah, I got it Olivia. We’ve already been through this. I agree, Darrell and Veronica had a shitty walk-up song. Let’s not be regressive about it, and move on.
Loser: Horacio’s Game
I’ll tell you what, if Horacio looked the way you or I looked, and he limped into life with game that sloppy, he’d have gotten absolutely nowhere in life.
The take the shirt off and “omg i smell lol” routine? Solid! The “can you help me take off this necklace that I’ve been taking on and off all season on my own but suddenly can’t figure out” move? Solid! The problem is, he doesn’t even understand what he’s doing. He’s on Hot Guy Autopilot. His spirit is helming the ship, and Horacio’s body is strapped down in the back waiting for the ride to be over.
I’ll tell you what, and maybe this is overselling it, but if you give me Horacio’s looks and I swear to God I’d be President of the World in like eighteen months. We’d all be so prosperous it would be sickening. Alien life forms would suddenly be showing up twice a week just to get a piece of the sheer rapture of planet Earth. Celebrations would erupt across the globe spontaneously. Earth would remain in perpetual glee.
And yet, here I am, not looking anything like that. Maybe it’s the burritos. Maybe it’s DNA. Maybe it’s Maybelline. Watching Horacio obliviously allow a hot older woman to latch her tentacles to him, an animal in heat, and only walk away with a hug bums me out. My sixth-grade end-of-year dance was less flaccid than that.
Winner: Jakk with two K’s Man Pillow
What is happening there? That looks warm. Can I get involved in all of that?
Winner: Amber
She’s definitely not doing it on purpose but aligning yourself with a bunch of people you’re going to absolutely leave in the dust during a Final isn’t the worst strategy in the world.
Loser: The Guy On The Opposite Side of Whatever Story Johnny Bananas Is Telling Devin
“So I said to the guy, I said I’m Johnny Bananas. I don’t do River View Queen. City View or I’ll have my agent find me another hotel. I’m sure Grand Rapids, Michigan is full of establishments that would be happy to house me. I don’t know man. Service just isn’t what it used to be.”
Winner: Booze, Bonfires, Bros, Bitches, Beers, Blunts, Barbeque, Burgers, Bags, Bears, Beats, Battlestar Galactica
They are hammmmerrrrreedddddd around this fire right now.
Give me more Challengers slurring their way through conversations. I’d watch an entire episode of them sitting around the campfire passing wine straight from the bottle and drunk talking. That sounds a thousand times more interesting than any single daily challenge they could possibly come up with.
#RealaseTheBonfireCut
Winner: One Reese’s Cup Too Many
After watching an entire season of House of the Dragon where the ham-handed symbolism of any member of the Targaryen family being framed in fire light pummeled me nonstop for two and a half months, framing this shot with the fire burning directly in front of Colleen is a bit much.
I mean, I’m still going to make jokes about it, but I’m simply pointing it out, so the Challenge Gods know I’m onto their shit. Ain’t sneakin’ nothing by me.
Loser: Revisionist History
Plus, that whole face muffing your friend and getting sent home thing…or ya know, whatever. Two straight Final losses. Totally.
Kim, your thoughts?
Speaking of Kim…
Winner: Surprise Relationships
Enough of this Faysal and Colleen bullshit. Who cares? A transcendent dick swinger who changes names with the ferocity of Prince and a hot German girl having the time of her life living with a group of looney Americans? Whatever. Seen that movie before. Tale as old as time.
Can we get more of the Faysal and Kim relationship, though? I bet there are some delightful conversations between those two on the cutting room floor somewhere. They should start a podcast together. Faysal’s already got the experience.
What do they talk about? Kim’s clearly charmed with him; I would argue even more than his partner is. And Faysal’s doing his best to lean into the bit. As much as one outrageously unfunny person possibly can.
I want to travel the world with them. Just me, Kim from Germany, and @fessyfitness. One car, a bag of weed, with only our sense of adventure to guide us. Now that’s the secret to life if I’ve ever heard it.
Loser: My Inability to Speak Argentina’s Native Tongue
Como se dice BIG MISTAKE en Aregentinan?
Loser: Comfort
Nope. Not even close to a good idea.
Winner: Potentially The World
Now this, this, is what a good idea looks like.
Could you imagine if they had a kid?
Would we all be working for that kid eventually? I mean, probably, right?
Winner: Standing Up To Pee After Margarita Number Five
Winner: Foreshadowing
Huh…I wonder if there’s someone on this cast that sort of daily challenge simplicity might be perfect for…
Loser: noitcudorP
omg can you believe that they would just have them wearing shoes when they could easily fall off, and from that height, potentially hit some1 in the head, and they could die?!?!
i swear it’s szn after szn with this mismanagement by ductprotion and im sick and tired of it. we need new porduction in there immediately, some1 who isnt incompetent and has no clue what there doing because there stupid idiots.
Winner: Regrets
I’d say it’s right about here when Veronica realized being at home would be way better than whatever the hell this is.
Loser: Anyone Accusing Jay and Michele of Flirting
Guys, we’re like, totally not flirting. Stop saying that. No, seriously, cut it out.
Winner: Life Experience
Since she brought it up, it’s safe to say that as far as “how many times one has hung off the side of a tall building while completing a task for a television show” goes, Johnny and Nany have to be easily in the Top 5 in human history.
Winner: Going Into The Office
Imagine just being some rando Argentinian going into work, traffic was miserable coming in, your presentation isn’t close to being ready. You stop for a cup of coffee, but you’re really stuck in your phone reading emails. The techno vortex has had you sucked in all day. You’re half walking-half writing an e-mail when you decide to simply look up for just a brief moment of relaxation. And then you see somebody launching themselves off the side of a building and three other bodies dangling by their arms three hundred feet in the air.
Quite the start to your day.
Loser: Being Really Close
Oh my God, Jordan. You were so close. Just say I get to be Tom Cruise. Or I feel like Tom Cruise.
You can’t literally be Tom Cruise. Even if it were Freaky Friday.
I don’t want to be that guy, I really don’t. But I’ve watched too much reality television in my life not to notice the cavalier nature with which the term literally gets thrown around during confessionals. Across all programs. Across all networks.
Next time you hear someone say the word literally in a movie that isn’t satirical, you give me a call. You can find me @fessyfitness on all platforms. I’ll be waiting. And until then, I have one question, and one question only.
And you better answer honestly or I’ll know you’re lying…
Winner: Jordan
Shocked! I am shocked that he was able to do something almost no one else was able to do.
This man is a marvel. He makes me feel bad about myself every time I watch him. If I were as talented at writing as he is at anything, then I’d really be cooking with gas. For now, I’ll just be over here making Billy Madison references and fart jokes. Like an adult.
Loser: Lack of Fairness
I think it’s kind of bullshit that everyone else has to dangle in the air and Kim gets to just do this challenge touching the ground.
Loser: Being A Sports Fan
The emotions you feel when you’re a fan of a sports team, a true fan, one that actually cares deep down, can be kind of miserable sometimes. Only one team wins the big one, and usually it isn’t yours. Certain cities, and the fan bases they harbor, are simply scarred beyond repair. Assuming the pendulum is going to actually swing their way is an exercise in heartbreak. An exercise most of us get out of our systems early on in life. Afterwards we exist as a hollwed shell of our former selves.
Being a Chicago Cubs fan, more on that in a bit, I exercised those demons incredibly early in my life. This is why when Nelson grabbed that flag, and Horacio and Olivia, the rookies of the year, still had an opportunity, I refused to get excited. I remained stoic, knowing that the rug can and always will get pulled out from under you.
Winner: But Then…That One Time It Happens…
Even now, with Olivia and Horacio blowing it, and even through an edit being able to clearly see that Nurys hung onto that bar longer than Aneesa did, I still can’t get excited.
Good things don’t happen to good people. That’s not how life works.
TJ’s about to pull some shit. That’s how this ends. That’s how this is supposed to end. That’s how this always ends.
Winner: 11/2
November 2nd is a date that means a lot to me, my family, and millions across the world.
On November 2nd, 2016, The Chicago Cubs broke their 108-year losing streak and finally won the World Series. Explaining what that day meant to me, and continues to mean to me, my family, and millions of others to this day, is an entirely different podcast for an entirely different day.
When TJ announced that Nurys and Nelson had won, and the streak from hell was officially over, I mentally made the note to joke in this article you’re reading right now, that I was going to get today’s date tattooed on me in celebration of Nelson’s momentous accomplishment. But despite the “Happy November 2nd” texts I had exchanged with family and friends throughout the day, by the time the evening rolled around, the date had escaped me. I blanked and turned to the trusty expensive rectangle in my pocket. Then it hit me.
I already have the date Nelson broke his streak, 11/2, tattooed on me.
The Cubs went 108 years between winning the World Series. Nelson went 54 daily challenges between tasting the sweet elixir of victory. Now, I’m no scientist or anything, and this is seemingly entirely arbitrary, but isn’t it poetic that Nelson’s 54 daily challenge streak is exactly half of the Cubs World Series streak?
Does that mean anything? No, not really. Just a silly coincidence. Maybe just another piece of evidence that the cracks in our simulation are beginning to become more frequent and it’ll all be over soon.
All I know is that one of the most special days on the calendar for me, and any other fans of both The Challenge and the Chicago Cubs, just got that much more special. How can you not be romantic about The Challenge?
Winner: Champagne
I acquired this bottle of champagne sometime around two years ago. I knew I was going to save it for a special occasion, but I wasn’t sure exactly what.
But then I saw Challenge Stats posted that Nelson had lost 35 challenges in a row. And I knew right then and there what I would use this champagne for.
The bottle? Serge Faust Brut. A reasonably priced grower champagne, a family-owned vineyard, using only organic grapes. Some real deep-cut wine, hipster liquor store, bubbles.
Wasn’t my favorite, honestly. The body leaned a bit too heavy on the green apples and I usually like a little lighter champagne, heavy on the effervescence. But if you’re looking for something on the bigger side to go with a shellfish appetizer or cheese board, especially on a fall or chilly summer afternoon, this bottle will definitely get you to where you gotta get to.
Winner: Nurys
Nelson’s had a lot of partners over the course of his streak. Some good, some bad. But none of them were Nurys. Just as we all expected.
Regardless of who came up with what plan and when, on paper, Nurys is the magic bullet. The key to the castle. The cinnamon in the meat sauce.
In my Power Rankings, I spent a bit of time trying to figure out exactly what kind of Challenge Nelson would need to finally get a victory. I did some hefty mental gymnastics and twisted myself into enough of a pretzel to determine that trivia was probably his best bet. But that’s because I’m an idiot.
Maybe all he needed was an extremely simple challenge where he could be accidentally athletic and steal a win. Maybe it’s just basic math and it was bound to happen at some point. Or maybe it was Nurys. The secret ingredient.
Loser: All That Sentimental Nerd Shit
You know what I say? Fuck all that noise. We rage…right now.
I need it from you Devin, hit me from deep in your soul….ONE TIME!!!
LETS GOOOO!!! DEVIN!!! BRING THE CAKE!!!
EVERYBODY TO THE KITCHEN!!! WE’RE DOING BODY SHOTS OFF ANEESA!!!
WHERE’S GABO AND HUGHIE?!??! SOMEBODY GET GABO AND HUGHIE!!!
OH GOD GET OUTTA HERE WES! PUT A SHIRT ON! QUICK! I NEED NAM! WHERE ARE NAM AND LOLO!?!?!?
MAYBE NOT! WHO’S DOIN SHOTS?!?!
NOT NOW FESSY! I NEED RONI IN HERE! WHERE’S RONI?!?!?!
TILL THE BREAK OF DAWN YO! I NEED EVERYBODY EXCEPT WES TO GET TO THE DANCE FLOOR IMMEDIATELY WE PARTY UNTIL WE DIE!!!
Loser: Straws You’re Unable To Grasp
Yeah, that’s about reason #587 why you’re about to find yourselves in elimination but go off.
Loser: Cockamamie Schemes
Even with hindsight being 20/20 and knowing how this plays out, this wild-ass high-level poppycock Olivia came up with that involves like eleven things going right at the same time should never have worked.
You all know that.
Winner: Horacio
And you’re doing amazing.
Winner: Viral Netflix Originals
Dude, Nelson, we all watched Queen’s Gambit like two years ago. Keep up.
Winner: Family Love
I’m gonna chalk that one up to centuries of rampant incest.
Loser: Presidential Assassinations
Hey Jordan, what was it like standing alongside the road when JFK got shot?
Loser: Memories
Darrell definitely forgot their names before the bus pulled up to the house later that night.
Winner: Subtle Metaphors
Sundays At Grandma’s new band name I call it.
Yo, low key though, Kim slaps.
Winner: Livening Up The Party
Yes. Yes to all of that.
Winner: Television Contracts
Probably nothing, but MTV is contractually obligated to fill 90 minutes of airtime, so they kinda sorta need to drag this thing out.
Colleen and Kim’s confessionals during this elimination are a master class of humoring the producers during interviews.
Winner: Free Time To Let Your Mind Wander
What am I going to have for my meal on the plane? I did the beef on the way here. Wasn’t a huge fan. Maybe I’ll see if they have the vegan option. How many new Instagram followers do I have? I wonder how my hamsters are doing. I’m looking forward to never wearing Under Armor again. Why wasn’t CT here? Everyone told me CT was going to be here. These damn production lights are really washing out the stars, I wish I at least had a view. Can Colleen figure out the puzzle already? If I can see through water, then how can I see it? Maybe the earth isn’t flat, but the question we should really be asking is, is it even round? Pizza, with sausage, pepperoni, and mushroom. Well done. Yeah. That’s what I’m going to eat when I get home. I hope I didn’t leave my closet light on before I left the house. I’ve been worried about that this entire time. I’m already five months behind on my electricity bill the last thing I need is some jacked up charges because I was in a rush to get out of the house. That’s me. Always in a rush. I had two months to pack for The Challenge, and I waited until the night before. Classic Analyse.
Loser: The Challenge: USA
First off, shout out to woke TJ. His words of encouragement for Tommy I’m sure meant a lot to him. And it’s honestly a great message to take away for everyone watching at home. Caring is okay. Apathy is becoming the norm for a lot of people in the word. Guilty as charged.
But I have to think that part of where TJ pulled that from was coming from hosting the CBS season, where for the most part, the people in the house had a sort of lack of respect for the game. Some of them essentially acted as if it was beneath them. Which, ya know, manifested itself when basically everyone quit during the Final, the first time they actually had to do The Challenge.
So shout out Tommy for caring. For not acting as if he was doing everyone a favor by showing up. *cough* Tyson *cough*.
Shout out to the 2016 Chicago Cubs.
Shout out to Nelson for finally getting off the schneid.
Shout out to you for reading my nonsense articles every week.
And, finally, and by far most importantly, shout out Nany.
Viva la Real World!!!
Thanks for reading! See you on Monday for a fresh batch of Power Rankings. And until then, as always, Happy Challenge Watching!!!
