The Challenge: Ride or Dies Episode 10 Recap — Winners & Losers

Welcome to Winners & Losers for Episode 10! We had our first team challenge this week and it went well, at least for one team. A cartoon cat made an appearance. And Horacio elevated himself into rare territory. Inside this edition: I claim hot sauce territory, don’t buy weed from Kaycee, Green Day steal from Danny Tanner, and much much more…

Winner: Competition

Competition is important. It keeps you sharp. Keeps you on your toes. So when Wing Stop says this to Buffalo Wild Wings, while it may seem crass to bring up wing size when flavor is obviously the much more important factor to chicken wing quality, Chauncey Wing Stop is merely demonstrating a healthy chicken wing economy.

Or something. Idk. I only took one real business course in my life and the only thing I can really remember is the time teacher asking the class “Who is the Prime Minister of Canada” and my best friend answering out loud “Vince Carter” and I absolutely lost my shit laughing from a few rows away. I was the only one laughing, turns out, and the teacher had it out for the two of us the rest of the semester.

Wow, I really should’ve paid attention more.

Loser: Beating A Dead Horse

Looks like Chauncey made one too many references to Amber’s Masked Singer snafu before they left, and now she’s kicking him to the curb. Go find another uncomfortable mattress to sit and complain on. To be fair to her, he has been harping on it quite a bit. I’d be annoyed by now too.

Winner: Oven Mitts

Why is Fessy wearing dual oven mitts for his first team meeting?

No seriously, can someone find out why Fessy’s wearing oven mitts?

I thought possibly it would be some sort of conch situation where the person wearing said oven mitts are the only ones allowed to address the group. And yet, Chauncey and Kaycee both spoke with free hands later, so that can’t be it. Maybe Phyllis made them for Fessy as a Secret Santa gift. Johnny seemed to be in the midst of eating his own dinner, so it’s entirely possible Fessy was waiting for a pizza to finish in the oven. But if that were the case, why the two oven mitts? Huh? Why the two orders Colonel Jessup? Who uses two oven mitts unless they’re baking a casserole or a lasagna (although, that brings up the philosophical dilemma: aren’t lasangas (lasagni?) ultimately just casseroles? Find out more on the first episode of my food podcast dropping next Thursday. It’s called Fessy’s Fortitude.)? Oven mitt in one hand, pizza cutter to pull it safely onto the cardboard box in the other. Can’t get any easier than that.

Here’s an even better question, beyond all of those insightful inquiries I just made…

Loser: Olivia

What are the chances Fessy grabbed his oven mitts, called this team meeting, and began speaking without realizing Olivia’s on their team too and they have to wait for her to finish showering?

Maybe they had a secret veteran only team meeting because Olivia was in the shower?

I woke up feeling real conspiratorial today. Like Costner in JFK. This recap might go in some wild directions. Buckle up.

Winner: Cliches

TEAMWORK MAKES THE DREAM WORK! TEAMWORK MAKES THE DREAM WORK!! TEAMWORK MAKES THE DREAM WORK!!!

Love a good cliche, I’ll tell ya what.

Loser: Playing Middleman

That is the look of a man who wants zero part of this moment. Does Devin actually care enough about to get stuck in the Jordan and Tori quagmire? Probably not. He likely couldn’t give two shits whether they’re together, not together, hooking up with who or what or this person or that person. They could be fucking the Moon Boy for all Devin cares.

The Challenge house resembles a high school cafeteria in many ways. This, Devin having to reluctantly try and place a band aid over a fatal wound around a tiny, ineffective fire, if only for the benefit of himself, is just another glaring example of that high school cafeteria analogy.

It’s rare that I feel sorry for any of these people. At the end of the day (shout out Nany), they all know what they signed up for. But in this moment, I genuinely felt for Devin. He’s stuck around a fire, attempting to mold a potentially catastrophic situation into a copacetic vibe. Wrangle an angry alligator. And he’s failing. Because the venture was always going to be fruitless, yet the attempt, had it not occurred, would have created a glaring hole between the three of them.

Only this time, unlike a real life high school cafeteria, he can’t just go buy some Bosco Sticks and sit with the DDR kids for a day. He’s stuck in a mansion in Argentina. What a pity.

Loser: Clothes

“Hey, Kaycee, thanks for coming. Is that what you’re going to be wearing for the interview?”

“Yeah, why?”

“No reason.”

Just a heads up, kids, if you’re off at college and someone dressed like this offers your drugs at a party, so no immediately. Because I promise you that anyone dressed the way Kaycee is here has the shittiest weed on campus.

Winner: Less Is More

Yes but, and I think I speak for all Challenge fans here, only a little bit. Please. You’ve already shown us enough. Between your drunken tirades, poolside threesomes, and general lack of social decorum, we’ve gotten enough Kenny this season to last us a few lifetimes.

Winner: Sriracha

I normally hate being this guy, and maybe this is a story I’ve told before on here and I’m unabashedly repeating myself, but honestly, I don’t really care. It’s the holidays, fuck it.

Sriracha slaps, and I was one of the first people who loved it. A pioneer of spice and flavor.

My Mom’s co-worker brought a bottle of this mystery red sauce into her office one day, many moons ago, and knowing she had an adolescent son who loved hot sauce on everything, my incredible mother decided to locate a bottle of her own to bring home. And that, as they say, was all she wrote. I was hooked immediately. I squirted that delicious chili-based blood on anything and everything. To this day my mother still refers to it as “Brian’s Ketchup”.

So when I started seeing that red bottle with the green cap and the rooster insignia all over the place; friends houses, restaurants, even as ingredients in cocktails and bars, I beamed with pride. I was a trendsetter, and yet had nothing to do with setting a trend. Like making the coolest behind the back trick shot with a dirty napkin into the garbage can in a bar bathroom entirely by yourself. I felt the way people who saw Kendrick Lamar rap in front of twelve people at an open mic night feels about watching him turn into what he’s turned into now. Or being at the first house party in New York City that Vampire Weekend performed for. Or meeting Jesus when he was a carpenter building an addition on your neighbors house.

Shout out Sriracha for turning my previously bland meals spicy and delicious since I was a young boy drifting through life.

I will not hear Sriracha slander around here, so if you do feel the need to spout negativity, or suggest that your preferred hot sauce is superior, go ahead and tweet us @fessyfitness. I never check the mentions anyway.

Loser: Consistency

Look, you all know me by now. I don’t like to get stuck in the mud. The semantic game is not something I enjoy dwelling in. I’m straight to the point. No fluff.

But it would be remiss of me if I failed to mention the lack of consistency with which Aneesa is ripping up pieces of American cheese for her cheesy eggs. This lackadaisical approach to breakfast is, for lack of a better term, appalling.

American cheese clumps, easily. What you need are consistent, same sized pieces. You want the cheese and the eggs to marry together as one. To hold each other tight in a romantic gesture from pan to bowl to fork to your mouth, only breaking apart once chewed on, allowing them to dance upon your taste buds.

Cheesy eggs are a great way to elevate breakfast, but the haphazard nature with which Aneesa is creating them, well I just couldn’t sit around and not call attention to it. Silence is violence people. Do better, Aneesa. Be better. There are thousands of people watching at home who look up to you. And the cavalier nature with which you approached cheesy eggs is irresponsible at best, and criminal at worst.

Winner: The Fat Check Antonio Banderas Received After Filming This Promo

“Who’s TJ? Actually, ya know what, I don’t care. Let’s get this show on the road I have lunch with Selma in forty-five minutes.”

Loser: Puss In Boots

Never seen it. Stopped watching Shrek after the second one actually. Just a hole in my game, I guess. Am I missing anything? Is that one of those “actually this movie is for adults too *twiddles mustache*” type kids movies? Or am I good to go? Like, what’s the vibe? It’s a Spanish speaking cat who think they’re Zorro? And I’m assuming this cat gets into shenanigans along the way?

The Challenge hasn’t once made me want to wear Under Armor, but maybe this blatant corporate sponsorship that caused every single Gen X fan watching at home slightly wilt away inside is a push in the right direction. Maybe a cat wielding a sword is just the content I need in my life right now.

Eh. I’m probably out, tbh.

Loser: Jordan The Scout

Couldn’t disagree more. At Shrek’s size, the way he can move laterally. His agility under duress. Give me that every time. Probably not the best locker room guy, but give me size and speed over just speed every day.

Yeah, you’re right, I did just admit that I have never even seen Puss in Boots. But what’s the point of being alive in modern society if you don’t lie on the internet and act like an expert on a topic you aren’t educated on? I just want to feel alive, Fessy. The trappings of digital modernity aren’t my fault. I’m just playing the game.

Winner: Pets

Cats and I have a solid working relationship. I’m not a huge cat guy, but they’re not huge Brian animals either. We’re very similar in that we initially assume every human we interact with is lying all the time. Which we recognize in each other any time I do interact with a cat. I’d describe it as a healthy distrust of one another.

Much more of a dog guy. So in honor of some production assistant pulling various photos off of their IG’s, here’s a gratuitous photo of my perfect angel baby dog Willa.

Merry Christmas everybody.

Winner: TJ Saying Puss

Merry Christmas everybody.

Winner: Las Vegas

Large black coffee, large ice water, two bananas.

That’s the Vegas breakfast of champions. I’ve never woken up in that city without getting that exact order from Starbucks. Mostly because the almost rotten bananas in the basket on the Starbucks counter are the only source of vitamins available in Las Vegas hotels. If you’ve never been, just be forewarned, the lack of nutrients and copious poisons flowing in your bloodstream after a night out in that God forsaken desert city is palpable. Every bite of banana is revitalizing.

So maybe Nany was in this moment simply describing Horacio v Banana in the daily challenge, but I’ve also heard her say that plenty of times while she watches me eat Vegas breakfast. I know what you’re saying to yourself, and the answer is, yes, Nany and I go to Vegas once a year just to catch up.

Loser: Bullshit Allegories

Thanks for saying that Devin. I’ve always thought the whole David vs. Goliath thing was bullshit for this exact reason. I get the whole ‘always believe in yourself, no matter the odds or opponent, because some asshole a million years ago overcame the odds once, so you can too’ thing. I understand that the story is more of a vehicle of hope for underdogs everywhere to point to as a standard of what’s possible.

But it also sends the message of “believe in yourself, no matter what, especially when you have a weapon and the other guy doesn’t”. Right, so you’re saying go buy a gun and shoot the pitcher who just struck me out. Copy that.

David and Goliath is up there with Tortoise and the Hare and Goldilocks as far as fucked up allegories go. Always remember, kids, make sure you have a projectile weapon in your back pocket. Like what are we even doing here?

Anywho, let’s back to the chlorophyll…

Winner: Phrasing

She’s a freaking what?

Loser: Loved Ones Hurting From Afar

Those better be the best damn medics in the damn country driven by the best damn ambulance driver they could damn find.

THAT IS PRECIOUS CARGO, YOU HEAR ME! PRECIOUS CARGO!

Loser: Out Of Place References

Wait…what’s puss in boots?

Winner: Recieving A’s For Effort

Winner: Sicily

Winner: Elbow Room, Overrated Anyway

When this scene came on while watching live, I said out loud to my girlfriend, “they are not about to cram all of those people into that little ass room are they?”

The answer?

Of course they are. Just do it somewhere else! I understand that you built this set, and you may as well use it. But you got nine weeks out of it. Switch things up. Have them sit around the fire. Have them stand around the pool table. Or just jam them together like sardines. Either way. Either way is fine.

Winner: Matching With Your Bro

So do we think Fessy and Nelson got ready together or did they both say ‘fuck sleeves’ independently?

Winner: Clarity

Ohhhhhh. Kenny is Kaycee’s brother. I had no idea. I was wondering what their deal was. You’d think one of them would have mentioned it by now, considering neither of them can shut the fuck up for five seconds. When you have that many interesting things to say, as the two of them clearly do, I guess small talk like family and the weather just falls by the wayside.

Loser: Green Day

You know what my favorite moment of clarity while smoking weed in a car that I’ve ever had?

The guitar solo in the song 21 Guns by Green Day is the same exact melody as the theme song from Full House. Then I went on the internet and discovered that I’m apparently not the only one who noticed that. Which begs so many questions. Did he do it on purpose? Is the Green Day guy so jaded to his fame that he thought he was the one who came up with it? How does Joey Gladstone feel about this?

Stay woke, everyone. Keep your third eye open.

Loser: Horacio’s Polite Nature

No, it’s not Devin or Jordan. It’s definitely Jordan. By far, Jordan is the strongest player on your team. Why even hedge your bets. Just say it. Tori was being facetious, Horacio. She didn’t expect you to actually answer the question.

God, he’s so fucking handsome though. I don’t really care what he says, honestly. Just smile at me with your perfect fluffy hair, that’s all I ask.

Loser: Timing

Not now, Tori. Christ almighty.

I guess it’s safe to say that this relationship seems healthy, huh?

Winner: The Director of Photography

Belissimo.

Winner: An Easy and Obvious Strategy Staring You In The Face

The best way to do this is pretty obvious, right? Take Jordan off that team, and what do they have left? Devin leading the charge? Nany crafting game plans? They’ll fall apart in two seconds.

The goal for Team Fessy should be to fire every bullet they have directly at Jordan. Let him eliminate his entire team. Who cares? If this daily challenge was any indication, winning consistently shouldn’t be too difficult outside of the random game. So just go for broke every time you can.

This is the right idea. Devin, Horacio, Kenny….I mean what are we really even talking about any more. Jordan’s the only string that matters. Like how the empire built the Death Star with a “blow up the Death Star” mechanism right in the middle for whatever reason. Right now, Jordan is that “blow up the Death Star” mechanism. Only this isn’t the Death Star. It’s more like a stray, lonely asteroid floating aimlessly through space.

Loser: Integrity

Back where I’m from, we call that “loser talk”.

Loser: Trying To Control An Uncontrollable Game

If you were on The Challenge, would you attempt to grab the bull by the horns and control every little aspect of a constantly shifting game? Or would you just let the bull run you over and hope to still be breathing by the end?

There isn’t a right or wrong way to do it. Challenge championships have been won using both strategies. So it’s more personal preference. I tend to fall on the let the bull run me over side. I know my own limitations, and I’m terrible at chess (I’m bad at checkers too, so do with that information what you will) and in a game like The Challenge, the amount of variables you’d have to account for if you wanted any semblance of control seem mountainous to me.

This came to mind watching Tori try and convince Fessy to not put in Devin or Jordan because of what could possibly happen next week and yada yada my eyes already started glazing over in my head just attempting to type out the moving pieces she vocalized. I’m of the school of thought that you cannot control anything in this game beyond what is directly in front of you, and long term planning is almost entirely useless.

Which is perfect for me, because I’m never going to be on The Challenge, so I can strategize my way to the bar in my living room and fix myself another drink. That’s the beauty in all of this.

Winner: Superbad

Loser: Character Development

Kenny has a family??!?

Why am I just finding out about this now? Context always matters, people. Just tell us that he’s married and has a kid on the front end. It took five seconds to flash those Instagram pictures up on the screen. They could’ve done this weeks ago. Why hide him totally, instead of giving us context for why he’s not out here getting after it. He’s probably just been napping this whole time, finally getting some Kenny-time away from the forever oscillating responsibilities of domesticity.

Winner: Burying The Lede

Yeah, great, Devin, that’s all well and good, and maybe you’re right, I have no idea. But let’s all just start being honest with ourselves for once, you saved Jordan because you still wanted Jordan on your team. That’s the real reason. You’re not getting anything past me today. I’ve already had like five cups of coffee.

Winner: Horacio

Challenge championships are undeniably the most important part of playing this game, but legends are truly cemented in elimination arenas. 4–0, even if some of them are shaky wins against shaky players but we can slap asterisks on every elimination ever played if we try hard enough, is no joke.

Would this elimination have been much more interesting if he were going against someone who wasn’t totally checked out? Absolutely. Both Devin and Jordan would have been much more interesting foils for him in this particular game. We’ll see it though. This is not Horacio’s last time down there. In two weeks the door opens again. That’s when we’ll really see what he’s got. If we get Jordan vs. Horacio in something that’s not based on physicality/endurance/heart, I actually, for once, will write a scathingly negative blog post about it. All those crybabies crying about pordukshin? I’ll be crying right alongside them. Please, don’t blow this.

Also…

Which, let’s all be serious for a second, is ultimately the only thing that matters.

Winner: The Rest Of The Cast, For They Now Can Receive Some Camera Time

Finally, after a half season’s worth of Kenny’s terrible jokes, meandering anecdotes, and uninteresting bloviation, he’s on his way home.

Now that everyone else on the cast has space to breathe, I’m looking forward to finally hearing from people like Johnny, Aneesa, and Nany. Maybe Kenny’s departure will even lead to Kaycee simmering down a bit. That’s probably a pipe dream at this point, but hey, shoot your shot ya know?

Winner: Being So Dramatic That It Goes All The Way From Annoying To Hilarious

Lmao.

Loser: Fading Moments Of Peace

Oh my God….

Merry Christmas everybody.

At least we’re in this together.

VIVA LA KENNY CLARK!!!

Thanks for reading! See you later this weekend for some fresh Power Rankings! And until then, as always, Happy Challenge Watching!!!