The Challenge Ride or Dies Episode 1 Recap- Winners & Losers
Welcome to another edition of Winners & Losers!!! What a first episode. Nelson’s toasting, Jakk had a head tattoo, and a couple of birds flew the coop. The Challenge is freaking back. Inside this week: Everybody slides into everyone’s DM, Fessy stays true to himself, Nam dances to Sean Paul, and much much more…
Winner: The Graphics Department
Hell yeah.
We’re back, baby!
Winner: Matching
I’m gonna guess it went like this. Kaycee wore the black tee with the chains (honestly, two is the sweet spot, and one is the classiest. As a frequent black tee/gold chain wearer myself, three is bit gauche. But that’s a different podcast for a different day) because she always wears that. Then Kenny showed up to wherever it was that they met up, wearing the same thing because it’s probably something he wears a lot too. Now if Kaycee was a different person, or honestly like most people, she would’ve been like “come on baby bro (or is he older? Honestly don’t know, and my crystal ball is telling me I won’t have to care pretty soon) change into something else.” They may have gone back and forth, but that’s the thing, there is no way in hell Kaycee gave one iota of push back.
“You look great baby/older bro!” is most likely what she said. And that was the end of it.
So here they are. Matching. How can you not be romantic about The Challenge?
Winner: Our Future Billion Dollar Company
Okay, so it’s a teddy bear that attacks kids while they’re sleeping. Me, you, and the rest of the 19 people who read this. We sell our company to Bezos, cash out, buy that yacht they sailed to the house on, invite Turbo, and spray him in the face with champagne as soon as he steps on. Let’s ride, team!
See, that’s a bad idea. That’s okay. It’s good to get the bad ideas out first. Which is exactly what I tell people who come to me with bad ideas. Luckily it’s only episode one. So we’re in the clear. Plenty of season to improve. Let’s get on with the chlorophyll!
Loser: Vaguries
Imagine meeting Beyonce. “Hi, I’m Beyonce you might have seen me in a lot of different music videos.”
What the fuck does that mean? Does she sing? Is she a singer? Or is it like a Wouldn’t Get Far by The Game type situation?
Anyways, back to you in the booth Al.
Winner: Literally
It feels so good to be back.
Winner: You Dealt It, I Smelt It
It’s definitely everyone else’s fault. That’s for sure.
Loser: Feeling Left Out
There was a lot of selective editing going on here. Let’s start with that. We missed, well, basically everything outside of the temper tantrum. And we’re also dealing with an unstable man that, good Lord, could you imagine being roommates with? Just let the thought of signing a twelve-month lease with Turbo sit for a little bit.
Two bed. One bath. Just you, and the most unreasonable person to ever live.
You there? Are you living there, mentally eating a bowl of cereal on the couch you found on Facebook Marketplace? Turbo huffing and puffing around the kitchen, protein shaker in hand, pacing from wall to wall. One of his Amazon packages got stolen from the lobby. Six days ago. You feeling how awkward it is? It sucks, right? I’m right here with you, I feel it too.
We’re in this together.
But you know what, I’m gonna say something really weird. Turbo’s got a point. If Laurel was pouring everyone a beverage, and he didn’t receive said beverage, he has the right to be bummed.
That’s chilled bubbles. They are on the water. On a boat. Paul Wall captaining the ship, driving slow so everyone can see them. It is light jacket weather. Do you know how nice that sounds right now? I’m sitting in a broken desk chair slowly contributing to a future lower-back issue. Where are you? The toilet? At work? That’s not sipping bubbles in Argentina. I mean, just look at how much fun Laurel and Kailah are having.
Maybe he was taking a piss. Maybe he was catching fish off the side of the boat with his bare hands. With Turbo, on a long enough timeline, pretty much anything is possible. But still, even so, I’d be pretty bummed if I got left out of bubbles too.
Loser: Me, For Typing Out Everything Above This Line Of Text
Elimination?! What in the world are you talking about?
I believe it was the Chicago-bred poet Kanye West who once said “How you gon’ be mad on vacation?”
You’re on a yacht, Turbo.
Winner: Scorsese Impressions
I still remember the first time I saw The Departed. The first twenty minutes of that movie is a pissing contest between like a hundred amazing actors where they’re all on coke and yelling at each other. I just remember it being the first time I ever felt like I wasn’t watching a movie, but I was mainlining it. From the theater screen to my veins.
And then like twenty minutes in, already discombobulated from everything going on, the title screen drops and Leonardo fucking Dicaprio is doing jail workouts. I’ll never forget that feeling.
Then after a couple of flaccid seasons that turned off even the most hardcore fans, a few spin-off that mostly played nice, with a cast more concerned with navigating the game than giving us any true tension, we get Laurel and Turbo arguing on a yacht. Complete with champagne and various elimination threats.
And then almost six minutes into the episode they drop the title screen on us. This was a clear signal to us that The Challenge is back, and this seasons going to be much different than what we’ve gotten lately. The only thing we were missing was The Dropkick Murphys.
Buckle up fuckle heads.
Winner: DM Sliding
It’s crazy that three of the strongest relationships we’ve seen on this show in a long time met through DM sliding. Who knew that social media direct messaging could be such a sturdy foundation for love.
Kaliah and Sam. Amber B. and Chauncey B. Rogan and Joss.
What a world we live in, huh?
Loser: First Timers
My man’s had no idea where to go. Where to stand. What to do next. This man looked like Tony Hawk landing a 900 out there.
Winner: Meeting New People
Loser: Ragrets
Free as my hair? Free as my hair?
What does that even mean?
All episode I’ve been trying to figure out what this gentleman had tattooed on the side of his head. And here I was, worried it was going to be something stupid.
Free as my hair?….
free as my hair.
Free, as my hair?
Free as my, hair.
Does he have a friend who owns a hair store so he gets the hook on free hair? Does he cut his own hair, and is super proud of it? Does he wish he was bald?
At least he didn’t get it tattooed on his head or anything. It’s practical. He can always cover it with a long sleeve tee.
Loser: Alternative Facts
That’s actually false. Covalent bonds are much stronger than sibling bonds. Science.
Winner: Aeropostale
She also brought the pooka shell necklace I stole from Aeropostale in the Orland Park Mall when I was in 7th Grade.
No wonder I haven’t been able to find it.
Loser: Pablo Neruda, Maya Angelou, & Anyone Else Who‘s Ever Attempted Poetry
A Toast
by Nelson Thomas
Here ye, here ye
If you made it here, you’re here to play
But can you really play?
We will find out, as the game begun
But has it really begun?
Yes it has
Put the motherfuckin drink in the air, and let’s go
Eat your heart out, Billy Shakespeare.
Winner: Saying Whatever You Need To Say
Totally.
Winner: Fessy
Totally.
Winner: Big Gulps
Loser: Anyone Standing in Lolo’s Way
If you think that she’s just gonna sit at home while Nam is partnered with some hot blonde named after the most famous blue-haired rapper from Romania, and not do something about it, then I have a monorail to sell you.
It’s only a matter of time. Emmy, it was nice to meet you, but you’ve made a grave mistake.
Winner: Sean Paul
Do we think Nam has ever heard a Sean Paul song? I’d lean no, but I’ve been wrong before. Tweet us ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ @fessyfitness and he’ll tally up the results. Check back next week to find the answer!
Winner: Challenge Speak
Saying someone “won’t quit” near the top of their resume is Challenge Speak for “they’re going to suck at stuff”.
God, I am so happy to have the real version of this show back.
Winner: Self Promotion
Funny you should ask, generic producer in the background!
It was February 20th, 2018. I have two entire articles dedicated to ascertaining whether those losses were for real or just bad luck. Check them out!
Winner: Being Bi-Lingual
Yeah, but, how do you say it in High Valyrian?
Loser: Unclear Directions
Go where? Where do you want us to go? Please stop shouting at us.
Winner: Free Marketing
That’s right Dev! You mean these 51 mentioned in these articles I wrote?
Winner: Phrasing
Johnny telling Kailah and Sam that they aren’t going to be making any deals, then immediately asking them what kind of deal they’d offer, is just fantastic stuff.
“There is no way I’m going to be making anyone a deal, but what kind of deal do you have for me?”
Winner: Phrasing (Part 2)
Again, this is a deal. Devin even uses the word deal. Or was the No Deal policy a strictly Kailah and Sam thing?
What does Howie Mandel think of this whole situation?
Loser: Being Burnt To A Crisp
Plus, you wouldn’t want to put them in because they have dragons.
Winner: Unconditional Love
I love Nelson the same way that I love my dog.
Not as much as I love my dog, but the same kind of love. I see his one little dangly braid sticking out from under his beanie and I just want to grab his face and scratch him behind the ears. I just love him so much. Never change, Scuba Nelly. Never change.
Loser: Misinterpreting The Message
It’s troubling to me that the two favors that Kailah has thought to offer so far are sex and dishes.
I didn’t really get Don’t Worry Darling either, but I don’t quite think that’s what they were going for.
Loser: Ragrets (Part 2)
Oh my God, Amber, no. What are you doing?
Really? Your boyfriend’s initials behind your ear? Really?
At least if they break-up, she can claim she’s just really into cheese pizza.
Winner: Unearned Bombast
That was almost certainly the third biggest move. It was the obvious move.
Johnny’s gotta be front-runner for my favorite rookie in a long time. We’ve watched him uncomfortably spin in a full circle and a half, we saw him claim he strictly was not making deals before making multiple deals, then we saw him claim he was going big and then said Sam and Kailah. Avoiding saying Tori and Devin (the biggest) or Laurel (the second biggest) going with by far the smartest, most obvious, and truly only decision.
“I’ve decided to go big for lunch today and make a ham sandwich.”
Winner: Years of Practice
Kim’s like “Hell yeah. When my family ruled the Seven Kingdoms we used to pull daggers out of rocks all the time.”
Loser: Masking Insecurities In Unproductive Ways
You know, I talk about the concept of relating to people a lot in these recaps. Mostly about how I barely do any more. And Turbo is the greatest example. Him and I (and I assume most of you reading this) are entirely different people. Call it culture. Call it whatever you want. I just have never been able to truly empathize with Turbo.
Until now.
I realized that Turbo and I have the same, but totally opposite, relationship to humor.
I can find the funny in just about anything. Turbo finds nothing funny at all. But those two polar opposite destinations take the same route to get there. I use humor to mask my deep, intense insecurities. When I’m nervous, I get funnier. It’s like a super power. But Turbo uses humor to mask his insecurities too. In that he viciously attacks humor, pummeling it until it is nothing but dust.
What insecurities is he masking? I don’t know, I feel like if I even tried to guess, I’d find myself in a confounding place. All I know, is that for the first time since he crash-landed on War of the Worlds, I saw myself in Turbo. I related to a man from a whole different world who lives life as if it were an anime. A through line from Chicago to Turkey, connected by means of covering for self-esteem issues.
How can you not be romantic about The Challenge?
Loser: Suspension of Disbelief
Ya know, I’m usually not this guy, but this time it was so egregious I had to say something.
I don’t usually like to parse through the pre-season trailers very much. I just like to sit back and sort of snort them. Direct flow into the bloodstream. And I’d also like to point out that I totally understand why they had to do this, and how unavoidable it kind of was.
But sprinkling Tori and Jordan reunion morsels throughout the trailer, while also knowing Tori goes into your first elimination round, is a tough look. And again, I get it. Tori and Jordan playing this game together again is a big deal for every fan of The Challenge. I want to see it. You want to see it. We all want to see it.
But it sure did pop the suspense balloon early. Kailah and Sam, you never really stood a chance. If they even were to have won this round, there’s a good chance the producers would have taken them out back, shot them, and pretended they were never there. Give them the Eddie and Lauren treatment.
What’s that? Kailah and Sam? Never heard of them.
They never would have had to resort to that, Kailah was always going to screw this up, because that’s her favorite thing to do. Either way though, The Challenge Gods were getting their moment.
Loser: Not Putting In The Off-Season Work
I don’t know, Kailah, Fessy has a Hall Brawl in his living room, but you don’t hear anybody crying about that. Find a different excuse.
Winner: Friends
When the cast list came out, and the pairs were announced, it took me only a few glances to think to myself “Kailah’s gonna be first out”. For once in my life, I was right. She had no leg to stand on. Jenna’s inherent likeability in social situations propped her game up for years. And without her there, she was left friendless. Sam was simply shrapnel.
I’m sure the two of them will be just fine doing hot couple things and cashing influencer checks for the remainder of time.
Sam and Kailah. The Birds. Their time on this season really….flew by, huh?
Winner: Game Changers
There are some who show up on The Challenge, do a few seasons, have a little fun, and ultimately leave little to no impact. There are some who show up, do season after season, maybe win a few dailies or eliminations, make a name for themselves, but ultimately remain as just another spoke on the wheel.
Then there are the Game Changers. And tonight, one showed up and changed everything.
This person has as much experience as anyone else. They’ve seen it all. No move will be done that they don’t see coming. Their social tentacles touch every inch of the house. Many fans at home groaned when they arrived. Many fans at home cheered. But all of us at home felt something during their slow-motion entrance. From here on out, no decision will be made without their impact being felt. In many ways, now that they’re here, the game has truly begun.
And Bananas showed up too.
Viva la Real World!!!
Thanks for reading!! Be sure to check back next week for an updated batch of Power Rankings!!! And, as always, Happy Challenge Watching!!!!!
