The Challenge: Battle of the Eras Episode 0 Recap — Winners & Losers
Welcome back to a fresh recap for the biggest season yet, Battle of the Eras. Episode 0 is in the books, and as nonsensical as calling it that instead of just simply Episode 1 may be, this is Season 40, who cares about making sense of anything? Let’s freaking party! Inside this week: Three beautiful, fashion forward people offer us eternal salvation atop a BMX bike, CT mixes it up, Aneesa adds to her legacy, and much much more…
Winner: Owning Your Worst Moments
I’ll tell you what, the idea of opening your biggest season ever, which has brought in more new viewers than any of the countless gimmicks they’ve flailed with in the past, and within three seconds deciding to show a clip of the time their own lack of foresight and safety equipment nearly pierced the frontal cortex with a shard of her own broken skull of some poor Alaskan who likely had no idea what she was signing up for in the first place…..
Don’t ever tell me this isn’t the greatest show in the world.
We are so back baby!
Loser: Whichever PA Is Responsible For Getting Jordan To Pose For A Cast Photo
If you look closely enough, Jordan’s cast photo has been the same picture with different uniforms Photshopped onto him fifteen minutes before the press release went out since, like, before Ride or Dies.
Good to see that this time they just didn’t bother with one. Lotta mouths to feed on this cast, efficiency will be key moving forward.
Plus, I mean, it’s Jordan. Who cares? Talk about Just Another Guy. It would be really, really weird if they gave him his own special entrance where he strolls in like a cowboy with a checkered past stepping into the saloon in a strange town for the first time.
Seriously, wouldn’t that be weird?
Winner: The Challenge
In order to pump up the viewers as to what Era 3 is capable of during their slow motion entrance into the house, we see a clip of Cory and a person the fanbase would have loved to have actually seen on the cast walking in the nude as Cory declares, unprovoked, to anyone curious, that, in fact, yes, worry not, his penis does grow upon arousal.
What else is there to say?
What other show can pull this particular rabbit out of it’s hat?
Because I’m a thirty something year old white male, I performed my required service to society and listened to the new Zach Bryan record (It’s fine, I had fun and cried while doing the dishes and mopping the kitchen floor on a Sunday afternoon. Could’ve used a tried and true bop or two, but sad boy with a guitar gonna sad boy with a guitar, whatchagonnado?) when it came out a month or so ago. Therefore, every time this episode gave me a moment like this one, a trip down a memory lane I didn’t even know I had, all I can do inside my own head is sing loud and proud…
HOW LUCKY ARE WEEEE!!!
Loser: Choosing The Wrong Member Of The Clark Family
Out of all the Clarks they could have gone with, they chose Kaycee?
I mean, Kenny was right there. Not having Wes or Shauvon is one thing, but to choose Kenny’s sister? For the biggest season ever?! It’s like porducshin doesn’t even care about the fans.
Season Forty, Season Schmorty.
Oh well, I guess Olivia and Aneesa are gonna have to find somebody else to have a confessional room three-way with this season.
Winner: New Cool Josh
For all the shit Kaycee gets in these recaps (It’s not her fault I’ve been forced to find interesting ways to write about her while she provides so few avenues in which I can do so. All she’s doing is answering the phone and competing and winning (a lot) and literally no one in the world is asking me to do these recaps. She’s winning in all scenarios.), she is undeniably cool. There is no doubt in my mind that if I saw her out in public without knowing a single thing about her as a person (not that I even really do now), I would immediately remark upon how cool of a person that is.
Josh, on the other hand, not so much.
At least the old Josh. The Josh we saw on Challenge USA Season 2? That Josh was cool. That was New Cool Josh.
You want to see the difference?
Here’s old Josh…
And here’s New Cool Josh…
In Challenge years it’s been a long time since these two have been on a season together. And even longer since they were together without Fessy sucking oxygen out of the room. In fact, I don’t even know if that’s ever happened before.
The question is, how will Kaycee handle being potentially not as cool as her formerly extremely uncool friend? Cool people love uncool people. The uncool only exist to prop up the cool. As a natural progression, associating with the uncool only makes the cool cooler.
New Cool Josh is back on MTV, looking as cool as ever, and if you told 2019 Brian how delighted 2024 Brian would be to have him back, he would have probably just ignored you until you left his studio apartment.
Winner: Whatever Cult This Is
What would you do if these three people approached you and offered you eternal salvation?
You’d drop everything you were doing and follow them wherever they asked you to go, obviously. You’re going to lose all your money, family, friends, and purpose in life. But, I mean, whatever. Right? How bad could a cult run by those three people really be?
What, you’re gonna have an elevated fashion sense, and ride bikes everywhere you go?
Sounds awful.
Winner: Cory
It takes a certain type of person to be able to walk into a room where everyone is dressed like they’re going to prom and their best friend’s wedding in the same venue at the same time, and be wearing a fucking buy three get one free white tank-top undershirt and slacks and still somehow look like the swaggiest motherfucker in the room.
How?
How does he pull that off?
Why couldn’t I be born that way? I understand he works hard and spends hours at the gym, the same hours which I spend doing nothing strenuous at all, in order to look a certain way. But there are plenty of yoked-up dudes who would look silly wearing that outfit within this same environment.
Cory, on the other hand, has flipped it around and now everybody else actually looks like they’re trying way too hard.
It’s good to be humbled like this. I was just gassing myself up all morning for remembering to get the coffee pot ready last night before I went to bed.
Loser: Short Pours
This is kind of disrespectful, ngl. The cast has been complaining about the conditions via twitter fingers for awhile, and now I understand why. Stingy bartenders will kill the vibe at any party.
Winner: Three People Having A Conversation That Realistically Should Never Be Having A Conversation With Each Other
What do you think they were talking about?
Property taxes?
Pushups?
Horacio’s abs?
To be a fly on the wall of this cocktail party…
Winner: Intensity
Loser: Seeing The Other Side Of The TV In Real Life
“Is that really Mark Long over there?”
“Yeah, he was a major influence on The Beatles.”
Winner: Keeping Up With The Latest Fashion Trends
Cory took his blazer off?
I’m gonna take my blazer off.
This is how you stay cool, everybody. Wear exactly whatever the coolest kids in class are wearing, and you’ll do just fine.
Winner: Mixing It Up
Aneesa, Dennis Rodman in 1998, and the host of The Hunger Games. Those are the only three people in recorded history who have changed their hair style more often than CT has. Length, cut, everything besides color. The man is multi-talented.
In the same way the Jodi has has had the her hair length exact down to the millimeter since she debuted, CT has always managed to keep our head on a swivel. Even when he’s trying to smash it.
Winner: Shameless Self Promotion
If you want further detail on why she’s swinging that plunger at those men I don’t recognize and don’t remember therefore they must be irrelevant to the franchise therefore I’ll forget I ever even saw them in the first place, click the link above!
I felt worse plopping that into this celebratory evening than you ever possibly could reading it, I promise you that.
Winner: Society, For Choosing This Show To Last For As Long As It Has
America’s fifth sport!
Sing it to em, Zach!
HOW LUCKY ARE WEEEEE!!!!
Winner: Finally, Something Horacio Did Wrong
Horacio’s either got no manners or he is making a run at Katie. Which, I mean, let’s be real, would make for great television. I doubt Nurys would have any issues getting into a fight over him while covering her nipples with only a washcloth as one is wont to do when verbally sparring with Katie.
Sadly, I think this was just a slip up by him and he can’t help but be handsome and charming and I’ve already forgotten what he did wrong.
If you think now is the time that I’m going to drop that video of him shirtless and sweaty on a stationary bike in the woods…..well you’re God damn right it is! No teasing on the first date. I’m an honest man.
Enjoy, perverts.
Once you’ve poured a bucket of cold water on your head, just for one second take a breathe and contextualize the idea that Horacio and Katie are having a conversation while actively playing a season of The Challenge.
It doesn’t even feel like Katie and Horacio are from the same planet, yet here we are. Sitting on top of Moron Mountain, doing the Macarena with the Gods from Mt. Olympus. And there’s Katie and Horacio off the the side somewhere making small talk.
Loser: The Ghosts Of Christmas Past
This is to take nothing away from Brandon, Nehemiah, Ryan, and Derek, they earned their spot on this season because they were asked to come and they said yes. There’s no taking any of what they may or may not accomplish this season away from them. They may not be Posidon or Apollo, but they have the same VIP pass to the dance floor as everybody else.
That being said…
To pretend this era does not have an enormous blob of a shadow hovering over it at all times is to lie to yourself. Do not take this as a plea for the problematic ghosts of this franchises past to have been allowed back for this momentous occasion.
Without naming names, you know who I’m talking about, let’s just put it this way, they received what they were owed and got what they deserved.
Let’s say Era 2 does really well. And Derek and Brandon both kill it, winning over the hearts and minds of newer fans who may not have seen them before. So now, with the idea of checking in on their favorite Era, these new fans are going to watch a bunch of seasons heavily featuring a bunch of people that weren’t on 40.
Not only not on 40, but edited around in such a way throughout this entire episode that I genuinely feel as though the editors deserve at least one of the gold medals we’ve been racking up lately.
If “pretending your problems were actually something the fanbase made up in their heads, Evan who?” was an Olympic sport, The Challenge would be number one, two, and three in the world.
This is a delicate knot this show is faced slowly untangling with every single time someone new opens their Paramount+ app. There are a lot of episodes of this show, A LOT, prominently featuring human beings who as of this moment may as well never have existed in the first place.
And I’m not even talking strictly about the Voldemorts of the world. Right now, somebody somewhere is streaming this entire era and getting invested in Paula and Dunbar’s super bizarre is-this-real-or-are-they-playing-a-part romance/friendship, a through line of almost half a dozen seasons (6/40 = 15%) of the show.
The story of this show could not be written without Evelyn in it. Not to say that if she called MTV tomorrow they wouldn’t find some way to just start filming a season immediately, but she was a megawatt super star from this era, her story is intertwined with both Kellyanne and Johnny’s (not to mention Paula’s, or therefore Tyler’s, therefore circling back to Johnny’s again) and none of this is even considered to have ever happened.
Nothing on this show happens in a vacuum, unless, apparently, you try really really hard to make it seem that way.
Also, I mean, Camila, again, not saying she should be here, I’m just saying how honest are we supposed to be about what someone like her meant to this show?
Reconciling with this is difficult, for me at least. Keeping things positive and light (as much as they can) is for sure the way to go, no use to bring your shitbag cousins to a party with your rich friends. At the same time, me pretending that I didn’t watch A LOT of hours involving many of the people not welcome back (and deservedly so) and for the most part enjoyed doing so would be a blatant lie. I can only be the age I am, and my formative years were built watching certain people run roughshod over my favorite show.
Ideally, this will be the last time I wade through this muck, but I thought the conversation was important. Again, the shitty behavior of all of these people, including production’s behavior towards some of the other ghosts of the past, has caused quite the dilemma in the realm of honesty when it comes to this show.
Does just pretending none of it happened actually make it better? I have no idea. I’m sure legally certain things can’t be said or shown, but by throwing certain aspects of their past deep into the back of the pantry and covering them with towers of twelve packs of kombucha from Costco, what they’re forcing us to do is bargain with the truth.
Only a single, lone banana rose above it all. How this happened, well, idk, life works in funny ways. The tumbling tumbleweeds and all that. Box of chocolates. After so many of his litter went bad after sitting untouched for years, Johnny has remained as ripe as ever.
Wearing a banana blazer.
If you ever want to know why the Banana Cheese stands alone, this photograph is all you need to know.
Winner: Weaponizing Public Perception
So they tried everything to get Coral to come and be on one of these shows again, and none of it worked. So now they’ve devised a brilliant strategy of showing her FIRST out of her Era. First. She’s not even here. And it’s not like the person, Leah, she’s in the shot with is involved either. Nor is the person, Julie, she’s speaking about.
What other purpose besides getting everybody and their mother to reach out to Coral to say she was still the baddest bitch of her “era” (then explain what they mean by her “era” to her, which I’m sure she’ll have something hilarious to say back) and that they showed a clip of her before anyone else even on the show.
Peer pressure is a hell of a drug.
Take a couple hits, Coral. Relax and let the lazy river take you towards the beautiful mansion rented out for All Stars 6.
Winner: The Hairstylist That Rachel And CT Apparently Both Go To
#WhoWoreItBetter
Tweet us your answer @fessyfitness in the next 36 hours and we’ll have the results next week!
Loser: Income Inequility
Damn check out Ms. Moneybags over here able to afford a van in this economy.
Must be nice.
Winner: Training Correctly
Emily’s been training for challenging things while the rest of those idiots were swinging around Bulgarian Bags.
The magical powers of marijuana, folks.
Winner: Breaking Conventional Fashion Rules
Before you leave the house, look in the mirror and take one thing off.
— Coco Chanel
I love Cara Maria for thousands of reasons, but her continuous and relentless misinterpretation of that famous fashion quote as, “go fuck yourself Coco Chanel” is shooting up the charts.
If you combined the time and energy it takes Cara Maria to get ready as well as doing all her regular forms of calisthenics, and focused it all towards a singular goal, I truly believe she could solve this country’s desperate housing crisis.
But instead, she chooses push-ups and hair feathers, therefore Emily still lives in a van.
Winner: Kellyanne
For a long time I’ve lived under the assumption that Devin Hester had the greatest highlight reel in the history of sports.
Today, I now realize just how wrong I am.
Sure, you can show Emily hawking a loogie after dispatching yet another feeble opponent. Or Johnny Bananas straining himself in order to bring victory to his team. Or Laurel celebrating yet another victory in her dominant rookie season.
Those losers have nothing, NOTHING, on Kelly-mothereffin-anne.
Loser: Roads Paved With Good Intentions
This will last. There is no doubt in my mind, this idea of Johnny staying out of the mix and allowing others to dictate his future, will last all season long.
No doubts at all.
Winner: Challenge Fans
The greatest ballad ever sung begins anew.
The genres, lyrics, and instrumentalists may change over time, but the melody remains as familiar and unpredictable as ever. Can’t wait to see what’s next.
Loser: Living A Life Trapped Tonguing At Something Perpetually Stuck Between Your Teeth
The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round
The wheels on the bus go round and round, allll dayyyy longggg
Just inject this straight into my veins.
Winner: Pintrest Fashion Inspo Boards
What do you get when you combine the fashion senses of Jeff Hardy, Matt Hardy, Michele during her Season 39 confessionals, and Cara Maria?
You get Paulie.
The shirt, the arm band, the bleached mohawk, it’s all a bit assaulting to the senses at first glance. But now that I’m letting the dust settle, Paulie kind of looks cool? If you pretend that these aren’t real people, and none of this is actually happening, he looks as though this is how people normally dress, and the others are trying too hard to be something different with their complete shirts and naked arms and what not.
Winner: Kid Cudi Techno Remixes
This is my soul era. These are my people. This was my time.
Outside of just the cast, one of the coolest aspects I’ve already noticed this season is that we’re all, in a way, cast in an era too. I can feel connections with all of the eras for different reasons, but deep inside each of us watching at home, one era means slightly more to us than the others.
It’s this one for me.
These are the people who, like me, watched Eras One and Two live a dream life on MTV growing up. Being on The Real World was a dream of so many people out there, even if it was just something you kept to yourself. Except these people were the one’s plucked from the bin. The last toys remaining at the bottom of an ill-kept crane machine in the lobby of a decrepit Pepe’s franchise.
If you notice a heavy bias and slant towards this group for the remainder of these recaps, well just understand that my era is the best, and your era is the worst. Nana nana boo boo.
Loser: Burying The Lede
Also, ideally, for the benefit of the group, someone you used to be engaged to.
Chances that Tori and Jordan get buried in editing hell by their past relationship this season? Hopefully slim, but if I know one thing about the Challenge Gods, it’s that they never met a dead horse they didn’t want to beat just a few more times.
Loser: Shady Bullshit
Okay, so, I’m just gonna lay all my cards out on the table here. Derek and I made a deal quite awhile ago that we would go halfsies on a bunch of different Challenge guy’s OnlyFans. Our one and only agreement was that we wouldn’t share our hard earned pictures of Devin and Cory’s buttcheeks with anyone else.
So to learn, in this way, of all ways, that Derek’s been going behind my back and sharing with Ryan (and Lord only knows who else) is upsetting to the point where I’m not even sure I want to watch this show anymore.
Winner: Battle Of The Eras
BOOOOO!!
BOOOO!!!!!
ERA THREE!!!! LETS GOO!!!!!
BOOOOO ERA FOUR!!!
BOOOO ALL THE OTHER ERAS!!!!
This is fun. I’m having a blast. Your era sucks too, btw.
Winner: Saying A Whole Bunch Of Words That Don’t Really Apply To The Situation You’re Describing
That was incredible.
First off, what the hell is he talking about? None of that applies to any of the people he’s attempting to describe. If Josh were a snake, he’d manage to choke on the mouse. Kaycee is more like an incredibly skilled factory worker, who just clocks in, gets the job done, and quietly goes out for a beer or two after work. And Horacio’s way too hot to be labeled as one single animal he can be whatever the hell animal he wants dont you put him in a box!.
Secondly, I am standing and applauding as I type this out. I take pride in using a lot of words to say not much at all in these recaps. It’s my favorite thing to do. Nehemiah just one-upped me on international television.
I guess it is Season 40, time to step it up.
Loser: Any Hot Dude Out There Who Dreams Of One Day Becoming The New Hot Guy, At Least For A Little While
The New Hot Guy Championship Belt lineage, beginning with Eric Nies and now currently residing on Horacio’s chiseled shoulders, is one of the most important sub-plots running deep in the veins of this shows anatomy. Many of them are represented here today, Jordan, Tony, and of course, the GOAT, Cory.
Horacio is currently the New Hot Guy, which, in many ways, goes against the principles of the award itself. Hooking up, then those hook-ups leading to game altering drama, then doing it all over again with somebody else, that’s what being the New Hot Guy is all about. Some are more productive than others, but Horacio is doing it in his own way.
If you consider the revolving door of super hot dudes Nurys could have potentially enjoyed for herself, ran through, and tossed their empty carcass on the side of the road in rural areas across the globe over the next five or six years of her Challenge life, putting up numbers which would make Nany seem like a prude, and yet Horacio is so Hot that she instead decided to throw it all away.
Sure, maybe they just really like each other. Or whatever. But by applying logic to this situation, or any situation really, what you’re actually doing is allowing the truth to get in the way of a perfectly good story.
Season 40 is more of a celebration of New Hot Guys of Challenge past than any sort of opportunity to pass the torch. Maybe that’s a sign. Outside of a few exceptions, the title of New Hot Guy cannot be simply bequeathed upon you. It’s a title one must earn, the hard way, by getting in there and doing the work.
Horacio’s going to be borderline impossible to top, just fucking look at him, and I’m going to need to think on this long and hard, but maybe next season we begin the process of finding a New Hot Guy all over again. Stay tuned.
Winner: Chaos
Looking at Era 2 (I really gotta figure out if I’m gonna go with 2 or Two or II otherwise I’m going to drive myself crazy all season thank you for coming to my internal Ted Talk sorry for wasting your time) standing all together will make plenty of Challenge fans who haven’t watched since that era scratch their heads and wonder where all their friends went.
Looking at Era Four (that feels better) standing all together makes anyone who watched the last nine seasons play out scream from deep in their chest, “WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!?!”
If you told any of us after, like, episode four of War of the Worlds 2 that the only ones left representing this entire international experiment would be Theo and Jenny, we’d all have assumed that something went terribly wrong.
And that’s exactly what happened. Something went terribly wrong.
The Challenge: Boulevard Of Broken Dreams
We were so young back then…
Winner: The Deal Mark Long Made With The Devil In The Early 90s
Which is an insane thing to say because I’m 34 and imagining tripping and falling onto even a carpeted floor is enough to keep me sitting down for the rest of my life.
Winner: Getting It Right The First Time
Porque no los dos?
Loser: Johnny Bananas
Let this be a lesson to any of you out there who think that their company is loyal to them beyond the next round of budget cuts. You can be dependable and consistently perform a job at an above average clip across decades, and then one day some super hot lesbian with better shoulders than you can show up in a leather jumpsuit and steal your spot right out from underneath you.
You’re a number on a spreadsheet. Don’t you ever forget it.
Winner: Aneesa
Who brings a personal, handheld mini-fan to a party?
A genius does.
Winner: Doubling Down On Peer Pressure Tactics
Right smack dab in the middle of a montage featuring badass women moments in this shows history, also by far the hypest moment of the episode, the music cuts, the proceedings stop, and the Challenge Gods open the floor up for, yet again, Coral. Who’s not even here.
I once wrote on this page that Coral saying those exact words were proof of Gods existence.
Weaponizing that proof of a higher power in order to pressure Coral into making her return?
Well, I doubt God will take much issue with that.
Winner: The Grizzledorfs
HOW LUCKY ARE WEEE!!!!
Loser: Philo Closed Caption Locations
Shout out to Philo and your free trial and reasonably low prices allowing me to watch my favorite show fairly hassle-free.
But what is that closed caption placement?
Why there?
Of all the places on the screen those words could be, did they choose the worst possible one? No such thing as a free lunch I guess.
Aw, fuck it. Who cares. Sing it extra loud one time for the people in the back!
HOW LUCKY ARE WEEE!!!!!
Loser: The Current State Of The Chicago Bulls
This how I felt for most of my life walking into the United Center and seeing those six championship banners from the 90’s hanging in the rafters. These days? Not so much. Now they just feel heavy, and gross, and commercialized, like after The Last Dance those banners became everyone else’s banners, while we’re stuck in the reality that is the irrelevant hollowed out flesh of a once proud franchise the people of the greater Chicagoland area unfortunately have no choice but to root for.
That’s what CT was talking about, right? The United Center?
Anywho, let’s get back to the Chlorophyll.
Loser: Cancer
I love, love, love that the first person shown when they arrive in the memory room is Diem. Not only that, but I hope whichever camera person got this shot of the two of them looking at her paintings got themselves a nice little bonus on their check.
A gentle reminder that she’s watching over them. That she’s watching over us. I have a feeling that wherever her soul is resting, no one is more excited for Season 40 than Diem is.
Having experienced as much loss as I have over the last few years, from extremely personal all the way to impersonal, what I’ve come to yearn for in the quiet moments are these small reminders that while that person may not be with us still, they haven’t gone anywhere.
Diem meant something different to so many of these people, and any one of them who knew her knows that she would have been the first one to accept the phone call for this. Take these moments, sit with them, and use them as a a reminder for all of us at home to be grateful for the opportunities and challenges both in your life and still to come.
Winner: True Art, True, Real Ass Art That Some Middling Nobody Like Leonardo Da Vinci Could Never Even Comprehend In His Feeble, Puny, Untalented Brain
I haven’t seen a piece which has moved me so deep in my soul to quite the level that one of the angry gentleman on top of the laughing woman has in quite some time.
My birthday is coming up in about a month, just saying.
Winner: Imitation, The Sincerest Form Of Flattery
Shout out to those women in the blue shirts sniping their fashion inspo from a Paulie confessional that hadn’t even happened yet.
Speaking of time, after the tangled mind fuck that was the Season 39 Mercenary episodes airing after All Stars 4 had filmed, but before All Stars 4 had aired, speaking as someone who overthinks everything, I’m so glad we’re finally back on a normal timeline.
And I swear to God, if they film and air another season while All Stars 5 sits on a hard drive somewhere collecting dust, Im’a freak out and write a strongly worded tweet.
You heard me.
Winner: Chistmas Time, The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year
The North Pole seems lit.
Winner: The Challenge Gods, The Funniest Amongst All Of Us
This is a church?
They brought back all of these scoundrels for one mega season, and rented out a re-purposed church?!
The layers of sardonic humor happening here are like the most delicious looking Irony Lasagna I’ve ever tasted in my entire life.
I don’t even have to sing it this time, because my belly hurts, so I’ll just ask it with all the energy I have left.
How lucky are we?
Winner: Finger Foods With Already Provided Skewers
To know these recaps is to know that I’d rather die on my hands and knees labeled a traitor to my country than to miss an opportunity to breakdown their spread of food.
Maybe I’ve lost my fastball, maybe this new puppy causing an even further lack of sleep in my life has broken my spirit and neutered my abilities, but I cannot figure out what any of that is.
Could be a cannolli situation, but it also looks breaded and fried. So maybe it’s like one long, thin stromboli or something sliced up. I’m pretty sure those are chicken skewers closest to Katie there, but again, remembering that Tori’s still pretending to be a vegan in order to get out of eating challenges and has ruined the fun for everyone, that could easily be seitan drenched in gluten free BBQ sauce.
I’ve failed you all, and for that I’m sorry. All I can do is promise to be better. Next time we see a massive spread of food, I’m going to go on the deepest dive you’ve ever seen. I’ll probably implode like those morons who made a submarine out of Gamecube controllers or whatever in order to look at an ocean slime covered Titanic shipwreck (Just buy the BluRay? I really don’t get it, those people were seriously so stupid, they should’ve never been allowed in the water in the first place who was the lifeguard on duty that day?), but, ya know, such is the life of an unpaid, third-rate Challenge blogger.
Loser: The Rest Of Us Dorks And Weirdos Stuck At Home Who Didn’t Get An Invite To The Greatest Pool Party Moron Mountain Has Ever Seen
Could you imagine what kind of pathetic loser you’d have to be to not have been invited to this party?
What’s that?
No, I didn’t go.
What was I doing instead?
Probably spending hours writing a blog about the cool people attending the cool party which will be read by an alarmingly low number of people who also weren’t at the cool party. Why? Is that not cool?
Watching this show, and therefore being unbothered by the people on it, which then leads to affection for them built up even stronger as time moves on, gets a lot easier as soon as you realize that one side of the television (and even more so one side of the cell phone) is way cooler than the other.
Winner: Meat Suits
There is nothing more bizarre than hearing Goodbye Horses playing somewhere casual like a coffee shop or the grocery store or something. And it’s always the weirdos like me singing along to every word too.
Alright, but in all seriousness, Devin pulling this move with the heater in his hand and the shades on is legendary. In almost any other circumstance I’d make this the title image for this article, but I’m almost positive the puritanical internet filters won’t allow it.
As if Jesus wouldn’t have loved every second of this.
Winner: Health Insurance Executives
One side of me wishes there was a world in which Nia never had to worry about that sort of thing, and that if something unfortunate situation with her health were to happen while doing something such as The Challenge she could take advantage of the borderline miracle advances in modern medicine and not have to worry about potentially choosing between massive amounts of debt or a shoulder that hurts the morning before a rain storm for the rest of her life.
But then the other part of me wises up and considers what the property taxes must be like on a second vacation home for all these hard working c-suite health care execs getting their hands dirty and keeping us all insured every day, and I realize that obviously that first world is just a silly children’s fantasy. Lots of shithead nephews crashing jet-skis out there, and those repairs don’t come cheap.
In fact, I apologize for even voicing the thought because I bet once this post goes up it will catch in some algorithm somewhere and my copay to use a tissue in the doctor’s waiting room office will go up five dollars.
Long story short, Nia, you need to quit being so obtuse and consider the bigger picture before complaining.
Winner: The Bigger Picture
Take the vaping out of it, Nia’s message of overcoming whatever it is you may be using as a vice to cope, then unwittingly allowing that vice to latch onto you and keep you from ever moving forward, as fucking insane as it is so say, but use Nia as a role model.
To be vulnerable about anything is hard. Real vulnerability. Not hunting for internet points vulnerability. Admitting to an addiction, and that addiction can be anything, food, drugs, porn, nail biting, avoidance, alcohol, social media, video games, Diet Coke, the list is endless, is hard enough to do silently in your own mind. But to speak on it in this broad of a way, while so many people watching at home just want to see CT look at more paintings of Diem and don’t even remember who Nia is or which season she came from, now that’s courage.
But then to admit to the consequences of those actions, even though they arrived once you finally stopped, if you’re struggling with something, whether it be minor or major (and who’s to say which is which, live your own truth) take Nia’s story as a reality that, even though you know you’ll “quit tomorrow”, except the only truism about today is that even if it never comes, there’s always the possibility of another tomorrow, this vice might still be lingering in your life even if by some miracle tomorrow finally does arrive.
Long story short, cut the shit, man. Put the vape down, pull yourself up by your bootstraps, and learn to code.
Winner: The Power Of Speech
Considering her line of work, it must be so refreshing for Laurel to ask that question and hear actual human words as a response.
Winner: The Gold Medal Winning Editing Team
Cutting to this legendary blow up just in time to lose the first word she said, but still managing to keep those two words in the clip is a masterstroke. We should be celebrating this person who pulled off this editing wizardry with the same, or greater, adulation we use to describe Simone Biles.
If you think a floor routine was more difficult than this high-wire act, then you just don’t understand sports.
Guzzling Slut.
New band name!
HOW LUCKY ARE WEEEE!!!!!
Winner: Anyone Who Brought Their Hockey Skates With Them To Hell
This is like one of those moments when you see your pet doing something adorable but you know the second they hear or see you it’ll all be over, so you just sit and stare and don’t move at all in order to not disturb nature playing itself out.
Let’s be real, this won’t last. At least until Tori’s either distracted by somebody else or out of the game. But watching Amanda pretend for awhile and seeing how long it takes until Cara says something Amanda simply can’t keep quiet about will be a fun time.
Loser: Aaron Sorkin, And Any Other Idiot Who Tries Writing Dialogue
How can you not be romantic about The Challenge?
Loser: My Prediction From Earlier That It Would Be Weird If They Had Jordan Come In Looking Like A Cowboy With A Troubled Past
Because of course.
Why not?
Jordan walking in the house with everyone else, and like everyone else, makes less sense than casting Kaycee over her brother Kenny (ugh). So I should have seen this coming, my bad.
Quick, pull the string in his back and see if it says There’s a snake in my boot!
Loser: Those Of Us Who Didn’t Become A Professional Race Car Driver In The Last Year
This is like a Lana Del Ray lyric. Or the cold opening to an episode of Nathan For You.
What a totally normal, simple, basic, run-of-the-mill parlor trick to add to your repertoire.
He makes me feel like such a lazy piece of shit.
No time for self-loathing though, I only have until next Wednesday to become a professional race car driver.
See you then! And remember, next time something inconvenient happens to you, just remember that Katie and Horacio might make out. Sing it!
HOW LUCKY ARE WEEE!!!!!
VIVA LA REAL WORLD!!!!
It’s great to be back! See you next week for the real deal. And until then, as always, Happy Challenge Watching!!!
