The Challenge: Australia Episode 2 Recap — Winners & Losers

Welcome back to another Australian Winners & Losers, or as Johnny Bananas would say, winnaars en verliezers. The Aussies did it again, keeping the energy high and giving us yet another banger episode. Inside this week: Brihony one ups TJ, that damn tortoise claims another victim, the Challenge Gods just can’t help themselves, and much much more…..

Loser: Whichever Show Filmed Second

They’re using the same house for this Australian season as they’re using for Ride or Dies. Sort of a bummer, considering examining Challenge real estate is one of my favorite hobbies. When (see how I said when and not if? Speak it into existence baby. Lavar Ball style.) I’m a billionaire, I plan on purchasing every Challenge house still standing.

But my nonsense aspirations are not the point. The point is that Johnny and Jessica are definitely hooking up in the same bed that Tori’s sleeping in/possibly hooking up with Jordan in on Ride or Dies. Which raises the obvious question, which season filmed first and which group unknowingly settled on sloppy seconds on bedding?

You know they washed those sheets with the cheapest possible soap they could buy. Having to re-use the house is clearly a budgetary casualty, and that definitely doesn’t mean that money went into cleanliness.

You know both casts were wondering the same thing from the minute they watched the opposite show. One hundred percent they texted their producer friends and asked.

Loser: Inhibitions

No Jessica. Bad Jessica. This is a great idea. Stop worrying about the game. Who cares? Game schmame. Hooking up with a guy named Johnny is a time honored tradition in a Challenge house.

CHALLENGE FUN FACT #1: This is now the third person named Johnny that has hooked up with a burgeoning influencer in this exact house within the last few months.

You wanted useless Challenge stats? You’re going to get useless Challenge stats. What’s that? You didn’t ask for useless Challenge stats? Well I didn’t ask to be this charming and good looking, and yet here I am. We all have our burdens to bear. Things are tough all over, Ponyboy.

Winner: Fun Phrases

Turns out, the world is a big place? Who knew?

Once The Challenge went international, I’ve learned more about other cultures across the globe than I ever did in twelve years of public schooling and then five more years of higher education I partook in. Maybe that was on me for not paying attention and retaining nothing, but it’s much easier to just blame others for their problems. Like the Challenge: USA cast blaming production for all of theirs. Okay, that’s the last one I promise. Okay, fine, you’re right, it’s definitely not.

This mulleted gentleman, pictured above, Ryan, during this confessional used the phrase “Smoocharoos” when describing his roommates, Jessica and Johnny, hooking up in the bottom bunk.

Smoocharoos, said with an Australian accent, is as wonderful as it sounds in your head. Is that what they call kangaroo kisses down there? I can’t wait to visit Australia, they only needed 1.2 episodes to convince me.

Winner: New Hot Guy Delusion

Alright, so this guy Ciarran, the New Hot Guy, who as we learned last week, has already hooked up with Jessica. Something she says she’s trying to learn from and not make the same mistakes she made when they were together on Bachelor in Paradise. All of this while being shown smoocharooing with Johnny.

Ciarran, just last week, hooked up in the shower with Audrey, who has a boyfriend at home, and then apologized in a confessional to his own girlfriend at home, just said in the confessional pictured above that Jessica hooking up with Johnny is “not a good look”. New Hot Guy, Same Hot Guy

You can’t make this stuff up people.

Winner: Jewelry Denoting Your Intentions

Winner: The Cinematographer

I’m almost positive this painting is hanging somewhere in the Louvre.

Loser: Normcore TJ Lavin

“Oh, you think incorrect trivia questions are funny? Is that your thing? Laughing? Cute. I’m hosting this show from the side of a motherbleepin truck. How many wheels do BMX bikes have? Two? I’m sittin on eighteen of them thangs right here. Grow up. Get at me, Teej.”

Winner: Pronunciations

So for this daily challenge, a set up just like one of the Challenge: USA challenges, you have to climb across the peg board on the side of the truck, meet your partner in the middle, pass the green baton from one person to the other. Then they have to climb back to the start, jump off the side of the truck and smash open a pot filled with colored dust.

Except Brihony kept pronouncing ‘baton’ like ‘button’ while they were explaining the rules. Which is throwing me off so hard. Took me multiple tries just to figure out what they were talking about. Turns out I’d be a terrible teammate in an Australian relay race. Not because I’m slow and out of shape, but because I’d have no idea what I was supposed to pass along to the next person!

Okay, well, I could feel how bad that joke was in my fingers as I was typing it. But no ragrets around here. Let the bad ones fly, and keep reaching for the stars, because maybe one day I’ll accidentally grab one. A star, not a button, obviously.

Loser: That Damn Lucky, Overachieving Tortoise

So before Jack the Singer and Audrey took their turn, they claimed that their strategy was to “go slow and steady”.

Then they lost. Because of course they did.

Because, as they determined afterwards, going slow and steady was not the best strategy.

If that stupid hare would’ve just not taken that stupid nap, Jack and Audrey would’ve never found themselves in this position. How many competitions over the years, across the globe, have been lost all because the tortoise won that race? Going slow and steady, in a race, has only worked once. In the history of races. And yet that one time has become this timeless beacon of hope that if you just take your time, you’ll pull it out over your more accomplished opponent.

I imagine that after that race, the tortoise never ran again. How many times did the hare call the tortoise up demanding a re-match you think? And how many times did the tortoise hit the hare with the Jerry Seinfeld…

And because of that stubborn tortoise and their obviously incredible publicist, Jack and Audrey lost that daily challenge. Sure, it may have been their abilities or lack thereof, but because centuries ago two animals decided to race each other for undetermined reasons, they were defeated before Brihony blew their slightly disappointing air horn.

Loser: Olympians

The next group to go has Emily on one of the teams. Now, Emily is apparently an Olympian, which Jessica mentions is something that makes her worried about competing against.

All this tells me is that it’s very clear that Jessica never watched Double Agents. I bet Nam wishes he never watched Double Agents too. Hell, Nam probably wishes he never did Double Agents. Emily doesn’t seem to be Godzilla terrorizing Tokyo the same way Lolo was during her time on The Challenge, but it’s still early. There’s plenty of time.

Loser: Three True Outcomes

So on Konrad’s turn, he was the first since Ciarran in round one to make it to the jumping off portion. Most of the others didn’t make it back to the start and timed out. So this was his big chance! And he whiffed big time. I’m talking couldn’t hit a beach ball with a tire iron type whiff. I wouldn’t be shocked if he tore his rotator cuff.

Strike-outs, according to the nerds, aren’t necessarily a bad thing in baseball. Except to the people watching baseball, ya know, the whole reason it exists. I understand that baseball is basically math, but idk, call me a troglodyte if you must, but what’s fun about that? Math blows. I’ve never met a spreadsheet my eyes didn’t glaze over at.

What were we talking about again?

Winner: Hot Guy Jokes

Lol.

Loser: Any Cow That Just Wanted A Quiet Day Of Grazing

Imagine being one of those cows who just suffered through a long ass week of milking, and a few of their buddies got chosen to get butchered on Tuesday, and all they wanted in the entire world was just one measly quiet day of grazing where they could just throw on an Anderson Paak record in their AirPods and just vibe for a few hours…..only to have that ruined by a bunch of loud ass Australians driving a semi-truck back and forth for a few hours while screaming at each other. I’d have lost it.

Fuckin’ humans, man.

Loser: Being Uncultured

After having an unproductive conversation with his partner Emily, the Olympian, David’s paranoia is in full gear. Emily was being extremely unhelpful, even going so far as to say she doesn’t see the point in even having a conversation with the winning team.

Now, it’s not shocking to me or anyone else who suffered through Double Agents that an Olympic athlete would be stubborn about the politics side of this game, but David took this as a personal affront. He also realized he was now in double deep shit dragging an unagreeable partner to the club with him, and would have to clock in for overtime to effect his own change.

So, like any of us would, he seeks out a conversation with Jack. Jack, for the second week in a row, found themselves as the loser of that day’s challenge and guaranteed to be in elimination. David asks who he’d prefer to go against. That’s the least interesting portion of this scene. The interesting part comes when Jack reveals that he and David have been friends for awhile and “met making out in a bathroom at Mardi Gras.”

Which brings up the obvious question, does Australia have their own Mardi Gras? Or were they both in New Orleans at the same time, just a couple Aussies cuttin it up on Bourbon Street?

If it’s the first one, and Australia has their own Mardi Gras, I bet it is absolutely lit and I need to get there immediately. If only to make out with David and/or Jack in the bathroom.

Loser: Falling On Hard Times

Why is OJ Simpson bartending?

Winner: Staying True To Yourself

For this week’s elimination, basically each team has to move a bunch of bricks, stack them, of then take some balls that were released via brick stacking, and try and throw them through enlarged pictures of their opponent’s faces. One partner throws, the other defends.

Seems pretty standard, right? Nothing too exciting? Psh, that’s what you think! Because when you tear through someone’s face with a ball…..

THE RING SETS ON FIRE!!!!!!!!!

They just cannot help themselves sometimes.

Winner: Being Different

So other than the lack of crybabies, one of the major differences between Challenge: USA and Challenge: Australia is that they switch up the teams using Aneesa’s Algorithm at the end of each episode, rather than the beginning of a new one.

Why they did this? I’m not sure. My guess would be that it has something to do with the difference between the Northern and Southern hemisphere. But I’m no scientist, I’m just the third most popular Challenge blogger on Medium. So what do I know?

Winner: Australia

I’ve now spent two episodes of my favorite show ensconced down unda, and have learned more about Australia since Monday afternoon than I have my entire life. I’m definitely buying a six pack of Foster’s to drink during Wednesday’s new episode of Ride or Dies.

I’ll tell ya what, that Outback Steakhouse is full of shit, man. Other than the Bloomin’ Onion, obviously. That shit rocks.

Thanks for reading! See ya in a few days for Ride or Dies Episode 6 Winners & Losers! And until then, as always, Happy Challenge Watching!!!

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Brian Batty

Writing about MTV’s The Challenge, one of America’s great institutions, from a fan’s perspective. Inquires: WillaMediaManagement@gmail.com -Twitter: @TJsAirhorn