The Challenge All Stars 4 Episode 9 Recap — Winners & Losers

Brian Batty
29 min readMay 31, 2024


Welcome back to a fresh edition of Winners and Losers! This week we recap The Challenge All Stars 4 Episode 9. And what an episode it was! We were so close to finally seeing Veronica vs. Flora, only everything we’ve ever wanted, but more on that later! Inside this week: I found all Handjob Steve’s unpaid parking tickets online, Averey takes a day’s pay away from some poor South African boy, Cara Maria disrespects DMX from beyond the grave, and much much more…

Winner: Me, Finally, After 8+ Weeks


I get it now.

Chess is a metaphor for The Challenge.

Jeez. Did you guys know that’s what they were going for? I completely missed it. I just thought it was because both The Challenge and chess take a long time to play and because Ace looks like a bishop (Tell me I’m wrong. Go ahead. Look up a picture of a bishop and a picture of Ace and tell me they don’t look the same.). And here I am, claiming to be someone who pays attention.

Winner: Stemware

I really, really like that wine glass. Super into it. Very much the glass I’d like to drink a zesty South African Chardonnay from. Slender and sturdy. I like my stemware the same way I like my small forwards.

Not sure about its proximity to an active game of beer pong, but I guess us classy ladies gotta cut loose from time to time.

Winner: Art Which Will Speak Multitudes For Generations Of Onlookers Ad Admirers

Imagine not knowing anything about anything and the only thought running through your head upon seeing this is something to the effect of, “aw, what a cute couple”.

That’s the world I want to live in.

Not permanently. I just want to visit. What does the world look like if twenty years from now the Chief Medical Examiner at the New York City Animal Hospital and the Chief of the New York City Fire Department are in a happy, healthy, committed, lifelong relationship with each other?

I mean, truthfully, probably not much different at all. I guess maybe at some point Jalen Brunson’s apartment will catch on fire and because Nicole and Jay both memorized The Essentials Of Fire Fighting they were able to save him leading to a decade of glory and championship parades for the Knicks.

Maybe. What I do know is that no level of butterfly wings flapping anywhere in the world could make that happen for the Bulls (Don’t you dare tweet us @fessyfitness anything about the fucking 90s, Taylor Swift and I were born in 1989, I don’t remember any of it. My core basketball memories involve Eddy Curry. Take a walk.). But that’s a different podcast for a different day.

Otherwise, yeah, it probably wouldn’t effect the world at large too much.

What were we talking about again?

Beer pong?

Winner: This Guy, Whether You Know Him Or You Don’t

If you didn’t know this was actually a pretty nice, quiet guy, just based upon this image alone, you’d instead see a total dirtbag with at least a half a dozen unpaid parking tickets who gives handjobs to pay the bills.

And it turns out only some of that is true. Steve has so many unpaid parking tickets it’s ridiculous.

Seriously, I did some Googling for you. Look at how long this list of counties across the West Coast is that he’s currently delinquent in.

Winner: Just Sayin’ Stuff

Haven’t the words and actions of everyone this season demonstrated that, ultimately, at the end of the day (shout out Nany) the opposite is true? And given enough time, isn’t it likely that none of you will see or speak to each other again, except perhaps at a sporadic Challenge Mania event in the coming years?

Hasn’t that been the running theme, with Brandon representing the walking totem shouting it from the mountaintops, throughout most of this entire season?

It’s fine. Kam’s a new mom. She’s had a few drinks by the pool. She got some sun. Sometimes we just let the emotions of the environment get the best of us.

Winner: Not Me, Because I’m Sitting At Home In Three Day Old Sweatpants And Not Attending This Pool Party

Yoooo, they have had some drinks. Look at the bowling pin set up of empties off to the right. We got Leroy and Kam bout to make Kingston number two. Ryan and Derek just L-I-V-I-N. And then if you squint and look closely, Club Rat Jay a.k.a. Mr. Single Lookin’ a.k.a. Him Over There, is lookin’ to pull the robbery on Paulie from Big Brother’s girlfriend.

Also, not pictured, Laurel and Nicole.


But Averey and Adam are conspicuously absent from the frame as well. And since we know that Reality TV is genuine reality and leaves no truths on the cutting room floor, then we can allllllll make assumptions on their whereabouts.

Nicole’s obviously teaching the four of them how to fight fires.

Why? What? Were you thinking about something else?

Aw, come on. No way. That’s gross.

Like anyone can afford to have sex in this economy.

Grow up.

Loser: Bubbles — If You Don’t Use It, You Lose It

You guys wanna hear something embarrassing?

I recently was at a place where they had mini bubble blowers available. And I was fucking awful. I could barely even get a bubble going. Which is insane because I used to be elite, ELITE, like, Joe Flacco elite, at blowing bubbles.

This is a PSA for any of you out there reading this who can’t recall their last foray into bubbles. It is definitively not like riding a bike. Despite what they tell you in school. You absolutely can lose that skill. Don’t be like me. Don’t let your inability to blow a single god damn bubble cause you embarrassment at a child’s birthday party. The worst part was it wasn’t even the kids laughing at me. It was my friends, incredulous at my poor showing, yet unwilling to try themselves.

First one through the gate always gets bloody type of deal.

Stop at a CVS, buy some practice bubble blower apparatuses (apparati?), and sharpen those skills.

Loser: Couples With Joint Facebook Accounts

I’m going to make this my phone background and when people ask me who that is I’m just going to reply, “that’s me and my girl.”

Winner: Laurel, Great Hang

I’ll tell you what, when Laurel laughs at something, she fucking laughs. That’s a great person to have around. Selling jokes, and being able to do so naturally, even if (especially if) you don’t think they’re funny, is one of the most endearing personality traits a person can have.

What person doesn’t want to think that they’re funny? Well, besides actual funny people from what I’ve gathered, apparently. But, for the most part, I’d guess that 99.9% of the population simply just wants someone to laugh at one of their jokes.

Although Laurel is definitely the type where if she doesn’t think something is funny, you also really know she doesn’t think something is funny.

Which is equally as important, it keeps the edge of your blade sharp.

Cara Maria — tough hang. Laurel — great hang…two sides of the same coin. Always.

Loser: Charging Exorbitant Amounts Of Money For Goods And Services Targeted Towards Grieving People Because They’re Not Thinking About Money, Or At Least Frugality Right Now

Interest rates are at like 8% and you’re surprised Bunim Murray won’t drop that kinda dough on transportation for you?

These Gen Z kids man, they just don’t get it.

Winner: April 20th, Another Date On The Calendar For Some, A Lifestyle For Others

Are, like, ya know, like, any of us, like, ya know, here, man?

I mean where even are we, ya know?

Sure, we’re on planet earth, but, like, in relation to distant universes, man, where are we?

Brb, I’m gonna go pack another bowl, and then we can explore this even further.

Winner: Snake Juice

In the moment drunk confessionals should be mandatory and written into everyone’s contracts. And none of that Tori lying about being vegan bullshit either. Just think of the shit Nany would have said if they’d have consistently pulled her aside after her eleventh shot of tequila of the night back then and asked her questions like, “What do you think about Jemmye?”.

DraftKings could put live odds on different phrases that would come out of her mouth before all of them and everything! Leaks and lag time between filming and airing make gambling on this show impossible. But if we’re just talking drunk confessionals in the moments, there’s no way to spoil that!

For example, “fake-ass bitch” would be like -180. “Good friend” would probably net you +250 odds and something like “great roommate, makes me coffee in the morning” would be astronomical like 5,000–1 or something.

Parlay that -180 “fake ass bitch” with another poor odds bet like “get to at least second base with someone you disliked earlier that day” and Nany could have been cleaning up for us die-hards around 2015.

Winner: The Future’s Constant Betrayal Of The Past

Kingston’s sibling, whatever their name is, I still don’t know, is one day going to go back and watch an entire season of television dedicated to their older brother and wind up living their entire life with an inferiority complex and crippling anxiety. Kingston will be able to show his younger sibling clips of him with Auntie Tia (Spanish Translation: Tia Tia) on the big screen as a taunt for their rest of their lives.

God, porduction is so stupid and bad at there jobs! Fire Justin Tooth! This kind of shortsighted bullshit is exactly what led us to missteps like Moriah being cast not once but twice and Kenny Clark bringing his boring sister as his Ride or Die and all the other bullshit we’ve had to put up with over the years.

Enough is enough. Somebody needs to do something.

Winner: The Pool Guy

Ya know, Averey, they probably pay somebody to do that. You can just relax and enjoy yourself.

Winner: Student Loan Interest

Well, at least he could always take out a small loan and then pay it off at $98 a month until he’s 117 years old.

It makes me feel good to know that I’ve been making sporadic jokes about Averey playing a boring game knowing that she’s doing so for real life reasons. Just goes to show, yet again, that we know every single detail about these people and that since they’re on TV they obviously don’t have any problems like you and I, and therefore we can judge and critique them freely.

Also, big shout out to Averey’s little brother. What a weird life. Where some people have no idea who your sister is and every once in awhile someone REALLY knows who your sister is.

Winner: Derek And Adam

Why would one clean the pool when one can instead enjoy the pool?

Winner: Nicole

Nicole is being so ridiculous, so intergalactically obnoxious in her criticisms of Cara, that I’m starting to inadvertently come around. Maybe she’s got a point.

It’s like, how do you argue with that?

“…she’s a shit person and that’s it.”

Uh, okay. I guess. She’s a shit person. Heard chef.

What’s Ace supposed to say?

“No! She’s a good person!”

That will, I’m sure, be incredibly effective at changing Nicole’s stance.

Earlier I wondered what the world would be like in twenty years if Laurel and Nicole were still together.

That’s bullshit.

What I really want to know is this. What would the world be like if we got in a Delorean, went back to Invasion of the Champions, and explained to Cara Maria that it would be in her future best interests to just let Nicole go down on her in the bathroom.

No matter the details, no matter the situation, Cara Maria and Laurel will find a way to make life interesting.

Winner: Telling On Yourself

And I feel like you’re projecting, but I’m just a guy with a blog who watches a highly edited television show for roughly an hour a week, so what do I know?

Winner: Salty Snacks

Okay, lmao, this one got me.

I bet Nicole is a hilarious boss. Like if you fold the hose wrong or set up the ladder backwards or something, her middle-management one liners are probably fucking amazing.

Can we get confirmation on that? If any of Nicole’s subordinates are reading this, tweet us @fessyfitness any fun stories you might have.

Winner: Going One Step Beyond What’s Required

You know, you guys might think it’s weird how much sock is happening in the screenshot above.

Don’t worry, I do too.

But let’s not forget, that just behind those blinding white socks, Handjob Steve is making a Bulgarian Bag, which is much, much weirder.

Winner: Being A Real Person One Day, And A Challenge Person The Next

Really think about your life. And how mundane it is. Steve’s life is at minimum slightly interesting just due to his job, but afterwards he goes home and watches HBO like the rest of us.

And then one day he’s just in a world where two women shout at each other about meaningless slights in thick East Coast accents standing three feet away from him. And it all happened so fast. He was having a quiet morning conversation with Cara and like four seconds later the exact opposite was happening.

How quickly do you get acclimated to that sort of whiplash? They say it doesn’t take long for you to forget the cameras are there, but how long does it take you to forget that you’re not living in real life? Do you ever? Is that part of why people go so crazy in this game? Is one of Johnny’s greatest strengths, and others who have done this show for long enough, his ability to understand the difference between the two so well, leaving him immune to these potential tears at the seams in the fabric of reality?

I’d love it if someone who actually knew what they were talking about genuinely took the time to investigate the effects this game has on these people. Like, somebody who’s super smart and went to school for a hundred years to be a Doctor in People’s Brains or whatever has gotta be a long-time fan of this show. That person must exist somewhere.

What are you doing, sir or madam? Why aren’t you currently working on this? You just watch All Stars 4 then sit on your fancy couch looking at your fancy degrees like a goon? That hypothetical educated genius has gotta think. You got a big brain. You got a responsibility. You don’t just watch the episodes like everybody else and call it quits. You get your ass out there and you find that fucking dog!

Loser: The Unfortunate Ease Modern Technology Provides For Assholes At Home With Nothing Better To Do To Be Able To Take Your Actions Out Of Context In An Unfair And Unflattering Way

Winner: Answers To Your Problems Coming From Mysterious Places

Oh good. One of my best friends just had a baby and I had no idea for what to get as a gift but thanks to Flora now I have four ideas.

Except, is that now too many ideas? Will choice paralysis kick in like when you’re trying to buy mustard at the grocery store?

Only time will tell.

Winner: Jay

You know how when you’re around a new group of people, or at a new job, and you are a somewhat brand new version of yourself? And then gradually, the person you are around work people is different than the person you are around friends from college (and then also different around your friends from high school, and so on…) and you barely even realize it’s happening?

It’s not like your personality changes at its core, though that certainly happens sometimes. The subtle differences usually have more to do with the differences in your placement within the social hierarchy of each group.

One of the benefits afforded to Challenge people is that they get to be the Challenge version of themselves when they’re here and the real version of themselves when they’re at home. This show can scratch myriad itches for people, competitive itches, social itches, courage itches, adrenaline itches, it can be many things to many people. And I bet we’d all be surprised at who comes on for what reasons.

Tori may spend a ton of time with The Vacation Alliance people, but she definitely has a friend named Marissa or something somewhere that knows her as a somewhat different version than the one we all know Tori as.

What a life to be able to arrive in one place and be free from the shackles of your real life baggage and become some actualized, fantastical version of yourself.

Well, everyone besides Jay that is.

Outside of the first few weeks living in the Real World house, Club Rat Jay doesn’t know that feeling. The minute his high school girlfriend showed up that day in his San Fransisco digs, the roots of New Jay died. Then he went on The Challenge, and there she was again. Somebody from high school. Someone who remembers his acne problems.

And then he went away. Back to real life. Without ever given an honest opportunity to become Challenge Jay. Who knows what Challenge Jay could have been? When you sheer the feathers off of a peacock, how much preening is even possible?

But then one day the skies broke and the universe blew the door open for another chance for Jay to grab that feeling of actualization. All Stars 4. Finally, after years of being The Guy Who Couldn’t Drink The Drink, he gets to come back and just be. Be the guy who isn’t burdened with work and stress and arsonists.

Yet he soon will learn this freedom was a mere mirage, an illusion conjured by the Challenge Gods while they smiled back at him like Bugs Bunny.

Because when he shows up, one of his coworkers is there. Not only a co-worker, but a superior. And not only a superior, but someone he already knew from back home, regardless of everything.


Where the real Jay is from.

Where the real Jay, no matter how hard he tries, no matter how many reality television programs invite him on, will never escape from.

Loser: Socks

Sails out, nails out, no?

You’re on vacation. Like, what’s happening with this day and actively wearing socks inside I don’t get it. Did they install floor air conditioners or something? Are those a thing? Why would anyone want those? Now that I’m talking it out, I guarantee Lebron James has them installed at his house.

Winner: Cheeks Out On A Thursday Afternoon

Living in this house must be so bizarre.

Loser: Using Bad Words

Damn, I didn’t realize it was so many.

Okay, that’s it. I’ve heard enough.

Not only has she disrespected all of DMX’s ex-girlfriends, not only has she pissed off Adam from Road Rules: The Quest, on top of that, she has the ordacity to call Nicole, of all things, the i-word?!?!

Cara is a fucking monster.

Loser: Finally Arriving At The Correct Conclusion Except It’s Eight And A Half Weeks Late

Wow. This is exactly how it should have been from the beginning. Would have saved everyone from sounding like imbeciles all season using The Middle Group as a proper noun.

Not their fault. Blame shouldn’t even be placed on whoever green lit the idea of saying The Middle Group. Fault truly lies upon the shoulders of those who possessed the power to prevent something such as The Middle Group from happening in the first place.

Loser: When You And The Crew Arrive At The Function Wearing The Same Thing

Okay, who flipped their hat around first?

Nicole. It was definitely Nicole.

Winner: The Barbie Movie

The subconscious ripple effects of that film are already beginning to show in the entertainment world.

Or at least I think that’s what that movie was about. I couldn’t really tell. I just kept waiting for her to invent the atomic bomb.

Loser: Common Phrases

“I told you don’t come in here when I’m cleaning my room!”

Winner: Which Came First, The Chicken Or The Trampoline?

Obviously, Nicole wearing a Laurel necklace is going to cause high-level reactions, both emotionally and physically, amongst the fans of this show. Which I must imagine they both fully understand. But I don’t think that was the reasoning. This is just the logical next step in their speed run of two high school exes rekindling after a particularly debaucherous forest party.

The real question, though, lies between the giver and the givee. Whose idea was it? Did Laurel offer or did Nicole ask? Did Nicole just take it? Or did Laurel just put it on her like one of those Kay Jewelry commercials?

Except after typing this all out, I now see the biggest question of all.

Do I need to get a life?

Loser: Growing Up

Old TJ would have ripped Kam apart, breastfeeding schmestfeeding, limb by limb for feebly backing out of this daily challenge.

Woke TJ, on the other hand, was only mildly perturbed. And even that seemed half-assed. It was half-assed perturbment. Something Old TJ would have killed Woke TJ for.

Winner: Scurvy

When I used to work at a place called RM Champagne Salon, my go-to joke used to be, “what’s a pirate’s favorite champagne salon?”.

It got a laugh about forty percent of the time.

Winner: A Cheap Date

Are you sure there isn’t anything else?

Winner: Laurel

Big shout out to Dr. Laurel Stucky for not saying ‘literally do or die’ as so many of her contemporaries would have.

Loser: Stepping On The Aux Cord Mid Song At A Party You Weren’t Even Invited To

What the fuck just happened?

Why did they do that?

Why would they cut the song right there?

Are they insane?

Is an insane person making these decisions?

Who’s driving this fucking car right now?

I’ve now watched that clip two hundred and eleven times and I still have no idea what Veronica says because the only things I can hear in my mind are “AND THEY STAY THERE” and “UP DOWN UP DOWN UP DOWN UP DOWN”.

Deadass, if you did something like that at party, I would personally lead a group of thugs and ne’erdowells to beat you up in the backyard.

Winner: Corn On The Cob

Is that like a corn on the cob roasted veggie mix? Ohhh wait, are the cobs of corn for flavor!

Dude, no way. That’s kinda genius. I bet the kernels just fall off that bitch once it’s nice and caramelized. I didn’t go to culinary school, heck, I didn’t even stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night, so I don’t know what I’m talking about. But I’ve seen dozens of chefs prepare dozens of dishes in dozens of unusual ways. And that does not even include all the episodes of Beat Bobby Flay I’ve seen.

I will be trying this method of roasting veggies sometime this weekend and will report back soon.

And until then, God speed, good luck, and namaste.

Loser: Ignorance

What do you think she means by that?

Like, do you think, like, she means, like, sex?

0o0o0o0o0o0ooo00o0o0o0o0o0o0o teeeeeeeeaaaaaaa!!! Somebody get that podcaster who has close friendships with several cast members on the line!

Winner: Putting Debates To Rest

Damn. Two dream match ups. Just like the great “Who’s Faster? Derek or Club Rat Jay” debate was put to rest, the whole Veronica vs. Flora thing has a chance to die too.

Kam vs. Cara would be whatever. But to potentially allow Flora the opportunity to extract revenge against Veronica from that night all those years ago (You know the one I’m talking about, spilling any more words about one of the biggest moments in Challenge history would be a bit redundant and a total waste of your precious time. It would be like me saying, “did you guys ever hear about when Brad wore his underwear as a necklace?” See how silly that sounds?), now that’s the type of lemon juice that really tickles your prostate, yaknowwhatimean?

Winner: Shameless Self Promotion

I even wrote a documentary about one of them!

Look let's ignore that when Laurel says many eliminations, she means two. And by many things, she means two things. And by beaten, she means had a size advantage in a game where the bigger person usually wins and then had two working hands where Cara only had one in a game where you had to CLIMB A WALL. Because those details ruin the fun.

And also, because on this show the results are the only thing that matters.

The details of these are easily remembered by fans because of the participants, but within their world only, they clearly don’t matter at all. If Laurel doesn’t bring them up, Cara can’t either. Because then she’s just making excuses. And this ecosystem dictates that excuses are irrelevant.

Laurel is 2–0 against Cara Maria. I’d be confident if I were her too.

Except like most elimination round participants, she was not afforded the privilege of choice. She was forced by the rules of the game she signed up to play to participate in two games at a severe disadvantage. If an actual coin flip elimination round is 50/50, I’d say the two elimination rounds between our two heroes was about 90/10.

Is that Laurel’s fault?


Is that Cara’s fault?

No, it is not.

Except both times Cara ended up at the airport and Laurel continued on. So, really, who gives a shit?

It’s a funny game these people play.

Winner: What Ace Really Thinks Of These People

So, Ace, what you’re saying is, that listening to these people talk is the same as hearing a blithering drunken idiot spray spittle in your face while asking you what CT is like in person.

I mean, he’s not wrong.

Winner: Yet Another Glaring Example Of The Number One Rule Of Watching Reality Television

See what I mean? We didn’t see that Praying Mantis’s (Manti?) mouth moving while imploring Cara Maria to go into the elimination round.

I’m tellin’ ya, if you don’t pay attention, you’ll start believing just about anything.

Loser: Fatigue

Lmaooo a super smart game or whatever.

Kam’s tired. That ‘or whatever’ is her brain self-correcting way too late. I do that same exact thing. It’s crazy how much I heard myself coming out of Kam right there.

I’m tired because I don’t sleep because I’m not taking care of myself. She’s tired because she just had a child a few weeks prior to this and is pumping breast milk every couple of hours.

Or whatever.

Winner: Words

For all you young, single guys out there, if a girl ever responds this way to your attempts at making plans with her, she doesn’t like you like that. I promise.

On the other hand, for all you not young, not single challengers out there, if a girl ever responds this way to your attempts at making elimination plans with her, she also doesn’t like you like that. I promise.

Winner: New Phrases We All Learned During The Worst Thing Ever

So Covid. You need Covid to happen to change your opinion that Kam and Cara Maria should be voted in.

That’s a wild thing to say, Adam. I only know that phrase because Covid is one of those things, and certain businesses had clauses about it and others didn’t. Idk, sports. It was related to sports. I don’t know shit about shit.

Point is, Adam, be careful where you point that thing.

Loser: Paying More Attention To The Messenger Than The Message

Maybe I’m the i-word, but isn’t this pretty much exactly what Cara was trying to explain last week? Like, basically word for word? Except when Jay says it to her (being in the moment helps, but who cares about nuance right now, gtfo with that lame shit) Nicole is flabbergasted.

She looks like she just found out her goldfish was actually a turtle.

Don’t forget, if you’re reading this from New York City, in the unfortunate happenstance that your apartment building catches on fire, and you and your loved ones are trapped inside, facing a hellacious fiery fate, these are the people coming to save your life.

Loser: The Cutting Room Floor

Uhhhh, what are the lots to get done tonight? Is Adam parroting production behind them trying to get the show on the road?

Or did we miss some big cool party with all the seniors and the cheerleaders and what not?

I demand to know the truth.

Loser: The Guy I Met In Vegas

The first time I was in Las Vegas, in 2017, I was playing Blackjack on a Saturday evening and the topic of the following morning’s NFL game between the Minnesota Vikings and the Cleveland Browns came up. I said I guarantee Minnesota was going to win. The older guy next to me took a drag of a cigarette, his ninth since sitting down next to me five minutes ago and said there’s no such thing as a guaranteed bet, “kid”. So, I said no really there is no way the Vikings will lose. He said OKAY hotshot (I don’t think he called me hotshot, though he called me kid between smokers coughs I do remember that part, but it makes sense for the story) I’m gonna bet on the Browns just because you’re so confident. I told him go ahead.

The following morning the Vikings won 33–16.

Or whatever.

Winner: Chicken Breast Hold The Chicken

It’s amazing that Adam’s dressed the way he is and it took me until the third viewing to even realize he was in this shot.


For all Laurel knows that water is only a foot deep and most of her time down there will be spent untying her long ass arms and long ass legs from various pretzel knots.

Let’s put it this way, if Cara had a choice to go into either of her previous elimination rounds against Laurel, do you think she’d have taken it?

I understand Laurel technically “has to” go down there at some point to eventually win this game. But this idea of needing to get something to make the Final isn’t new. This is just the Skull Twist with a new label. And each time that’s been the case, the group has had one final opportunity to do so before it was all said and done, regardless of whether they chose to or not.

Laurel is relying on that playing out again. Bad idea? I have no clue. In the words of the great Boston Police Sargent Dignam, maybe, maybe not, maybe fuck yourself.

Speaking of Boston…

Winner: Cara Maria

You fucking nailed it, Cara. That’s exactly right. Couldn’t have said it better myself. The only question you didn’t pose, of course, is what does it sound like when doves cry?

Okay, I didn’t even mean to do this, but some of these lyrics are pretty spooky in their resemblance to this whole Cara and Laurel saga.

Maybe you’re just like my mother
She’s never satisfied (she’s never satisfied)
Why do we scream at each other?
This is what it sounds like
When doves cry

Prince obviously did not write this song about Laurel and Cara Maria. That much I know. But, if one artist were going to cut a hit record secretly about a relationship between two people who were not born yet upon its release, wouldn’t Prince be the one to do so?

Loser: Crazy Rich Guys With Too Much Time, Power, And Money

This looks exactly like the way that German kid died in Willy Wonka.

You know what’s really annoying about that movie, and I even felt this way as a kid (although, maybe that was the point), this fucking guy Bill Wonka makes a factory basically out of sugar, invites a bunch of kids and their freeloading cokehead family members, and then attempts manslaughter against them for wanting to eat the candy.

This psycho punished these kids for being kids. Hey, fat German kid who loves chocolate, here’s a room where everything is made from chocolate. Which you were only able to get in to because you ate enough chocolate to win a contest.

One rule though, don’t touch the chocolate.

There were plenty of bartenders I knew over the years who were recovering alcoholics and they said that being able to still work at a bar was a test of their discipline and they said it made them stronger. Or whatever That’s the type of decision you’re able to make for yourself as a mature adult who’s experienced the sun and the shade.

You cannot have expected Augustus fucking Gloop to have the same level of discernment as to how to conquer his disease.

It’s a fucked up movie. An even more fucked up book. Also, there’s a sequel where Billy W. and Charlie go into space. That’s real. It was the first ever book I asked my Mom to stop reading to me and switch over to something else.

Loser: Nerves

Are you nervous right now or was that a demonstration?

Because I get nervous when other people are nervous. So now I’m nervous and also nervous that I’m being nervous for no reason.

Somebody call the fire department, this one’s out of control.

Loser: Pronunciation

Woah, dude, Derek, easy with the hard r.

Loser: Complete Shirts

Is it a little drafty in here?

I’d love to make even more fun, but I’m holding onto a few pairs of boxers which aren’t too dissimilar.

Winner: Trying New Things

It’s really cool that Cara’s doing CrossFit now.

Winner: Learning New Languages

Which is Spanish for “bunch of estupidos”.

Bilingual, CrossFit, what can’t this girl do?!

Winner: Hard Launching Your Relationship

Well, I guess it’s official.

Kam and Leroy, as Ayanna once guessed, are in an alliance.

An out and open one now too.

With Kam going home, they can rest easy knowing how well they were able to keep it secret. They’re lucky Ayanna was the one to notice, just due to the whole message vs. messenger thing we’ve been discussing around here lately.

People in this world don’t forget, so when they come back, they’ll probably be targeted from the get-go. Couples on The Challenge are always targets. So, we’ll see how they’re able to navigate it now that the monkey’s out of the bottle and the truth has become exposed.

Winner: What The Past Can Tell Us About The Future

Just as Jonna did once before her, it’s no surprise that after dominating the flagship show for years and years, once Cara made her return to All Stars, things would be no different.

Or whatever.


Thanks for reading! Don’t forget to send in your questions for my 200th Article Spectacular coming later this summer to Enjoy the weekend and see you back here soon! Until then, as always, Happy Challenge Watching!!!



Brian Batty

Writing about MTV’s The Challenge, one of America’s great institutions