The Challenge All Stars 4 Episode 12 Recap — Winners & Losers
Welcome back to the final edition of Winner and Losers for The Challenge All Stars 4!!! It’s the FInale, and I know I’m almost a week late, but my mother was in town, and she’s more important than making fart jokes. Big shout out to my Mom and all other Moms out there. Enough with the sappy stuff, let’s dive right in! Inside this week: Fatboy Slim is dope, Nicole’s mystical ability with women is explained in the abstract, we crown a champion in the most American way possible, and much much more…
Winner: Derek
Somebody had to be first. Is it his fault that the opening elimination game was like a reverse Slumdog Millionaire where instead of a kitschy memory, the electricity conjured a traumatic memory?
Nope. Such is life on The Challenge. Every day you show up to clock-in, and the job is always different.
Well, that is, until the last job, which is almost always exactly the same idea with varying smalls details along the way. But we’ll get to that.
For now, let’s just take a moment to celebrate Derek, a somewhat under-the-radar hero who took his opportunity on All Stars 4 and….ran with it….sorry.
Between him, Jasmine, and Jonna, that Real World: Cancun trio has always been attached in the abstract since they arrived on the scene. For various, somewhat real and mostly arbitrary reasons. Jonna and Derek were friends before the show, and Jasmine and Jonna have always had a low-stakes (at least in the Challenge world, I do not know them in real life, a very important disclaimer, always) version of the Cara and Laurel relationship.
Out of the three points of that triangle, from jump street, Jonna has carried a gravitational pull on their collective energy. Partly because of who she is, partly because of the way society works. But she wasn’t here this time (Does this make me part of the problem? Considering this is about the seventeenth time I’ve mentioned her while writing about Derek, I’d venture to say so. It’s like when you don’t cut the circles on those six-pack holders before tossing them in the trash. You’ll never see the turtle who is going to wear that as a necklace like Brad wore his underwear that one time, but as you walk away and go about your human life, the realization inevitably hits that you’re part of the problem) and both Jasmine and Derek were able to sprout their branches a little higher and a little further.
Reputation carries a lot of weight in this game. I’d argue that sometimes it’s even more important than actual performance (Brad this season being the perfect example). Especially amongst their peers. How quickly that reputation can flip is also important. So if by some chance Derek shows up on Season 40, he now will have the Laurels and the Leroys (Laurel’s and Leroy’s, great band name) telling the Johnnys and the CTs, “Actually bro, Derek can move a little bit. Kid’s got some scoot.”
That little bug, that little it of info, is all it takes sometimes to be the difference between being a “lay-up” vote or a “weak player” and being somebody you hesitate to cross due to fear of seeing them in an elimination round where his inner track star can play a factor.
Well, that is until some other traumatic event from his past comes bubbling back to the surface in the form of an elimination game. Then, well, then Derek is just like the rest of us.
Winner: NostraBrian
All I was doing was pointing out the idea that most people love it when other people laugh at their jokes, even if they don’t mean it.
Did the editing play this trick on me? Did they show Laurel laughing and smiling around others subtly all season to lead us to this point? Or is that something I observed naturally.
As we’ve discussed before, this show intentionally seeks to mess with your head, as all reality television shows do, meaning that in order to not let the Challenge Gods control your emotions, you’re forced to play defense against yourself.
That being said, was my observation that Laurel’s a great hang propagated from my own thoughts, or did the editors slowly cause that feeling to build within me through stacking tiny LEGO blocks of emotion along the way?
Cara Maria — tough hang. Laurel — great hang…two sides of the same coin. Always.
That’s something else I wrote just a few paragraphs underneath that screenshot above. Meaning they had nine episodes worth of subtle manipulation already implanted in my brain by the time I powered up my laptop and said the most obvious shit of all time.
Not that Laurel being more fun than Cara in a setting like this is something that’s brand new or anything beyond a surface level observation. Just turn on the first episode of Fresh Meat II. It’s all there. Everything you need to know about their relationship and (sort of) who they are as #ChallengePeople is on display.
Including the evident conclusion that “Laurel — Great Hang, Cara — Tough Hang”.
Now, did I realize when I wrote those words that they would be so prescient as far as the outcome goes? Not a chance. Though, knowing the participants, and how like in any great novel every detail matters, I most definitely should have seen it coming.
Winner: Needle Drops So Obvious And Ham Handed That Would Normally Force Me To Seek Medical Attention But The Song Slaps So Damn Much It Doesn’t Matter
Two things…
1) The lyrics “We’ve come a long long way together, through the hard times and the good” playing over a montage of their journey together, hard times and good, is like AI Jukebox type shit. But then you get “I have to praise you like I should” while Derek is saying he thinks Laurel should win this, and now we’re reaching critical mass. They’ve been testing the limits and walking a thin line with these specific lyric choices all season long. Luckily, I’m here to call them out on their bullshit when no one else seems to want to. I guess this is now my lot in life. Typing up a bunch of stuff no one cares about because it’s not about CT and that’s really the only thing anyone clicks on these for anyways.
But then I remember they picked the Dumb and Dumber song while Brad was taking his turn on the go-karts. Which, while not exactly ninja-like, was by far the most subtle needle drop MTV or Bunim Murray has ever done, and also a strong reminder that the Challenge Gods love us and care about us and ultimately want us to be happy.
2) All that bullshit aside, Praise You by Fatboy Slim has sound-tracked each and every All Stars 4 article you’ve read this season. It’s the only time there’s been overlap like that. I heard it at a wedding last summer and did the “okay, shoot” nostalgia stink-face from my table. By the time we were fully off the deep end of this beat, the Groom was doing this wild ass jiggly leg move in the middle of a dance circle (drugs, definitely drugs involved) just getting after it in the way one would get after it if they were really high at their wedding and this might be their last night both getting high and getting after it in a dance circle.
They’re doing great, btw. They just had a kid and neither of them watches The Challenge.
Winner: Even For Me, This Joke Is A Stretch, It Just Popped Into My Head And Wouldn’t Get Out, So, Too Bad
This is kind of a bummer, but I live a half mile away from where the drummer from School of Rock got hit by a car on his bike and tragically passed away. There’s a nice little memorial for him permanently there, and to be honest, that is one of the most insane intersections ever created. It’s a little like what an intersection would look like if Chicago hired Helen Keller as a City Planner the day it was designed.
I pass by and think about School of Rock every time I go to Target. There’s a metaphor in that, I just can’t figure it out. Maybe if I had more time, but it’s we’ve only got like 32 minutes left of All Stars.
Winner: TJ Lavin Flirting With The Other Side Of The TV
No, you’re called Spicy Foot.
Loser: Concussion Protocol
Speaking of Ty, look at this screenshot I found the other day scrolling through the archives…
I mean, there’s obviously a lot going on here, but who let him leave the house like that? How did Jason Mraz have such a chokehold on male fashion back then? I guess Ty wasn’t really the type to accept constructive criticism, so the other guys just had to let him do his thing, but idk, at a certain point you have a responsibility to maybe say “Hey dude, lose one. The scarf or the hat. Preferably both, but please at least one. Or at the very least don’t wear a red scarf with a red shirt”
I’m no fashionista. If the Queer Eye crew came through my life, they’d all ask for a raise afterwards or just upright quit. But even me, who wears black v-necks most of the time, understands the significant faux pas.
We haven’t seen Ty in a long tyme (nailed it). I’m sure he’s doing well. All Stars 6?
Only tyme (derivative, no gold stars awarded) will tell.
Winner: The Answer To Question One Of The Firefighter’s Exam
Fuck yeah Steve, you’ve passed Step One.
Since we’re here, and Steve is coming for either Jay or Nicole’s job, if they were to switch, between our two favorite New York City Firefighters, which one of them has the prettiest hands?
Nicole seems like the obvious choice here, but idk, something about Jay gives off a man who takes care of himself. Manicures potentially being one of those ways. He just seems like the type of guy to have gotten dragged kicking and screaming to a spa day with a girlfriend once, only to the come to the “hey, this is pretty awesome” realization, and on the low occasionally taking himself out for a day of eye masks, pedicures, and lavender scented Glade PlugIns.
Yeah, you’re right, it’s probably Nicole.
Winner: Diving On The Floor For Loose Balls
Like with any pick-up game, the minute somebody starts diving to the floor for loose balls in transition, and in this case a hot ass pepper that’s going to ruin the next couple of hours for you, that’s when I mentally check out.
I’m not exactly in the Cara Maria “I like ketchup and mustard” school of thought when it comes to heat, I use hot sauce regularly, but I’ve never for the life of me understood the point of setting your mouth on fire. Eating is supposed to be, if not for fuel, for fun. Not to experience pain. Save that for your sex life.
The salsas some of the line cooks would make at my old restaurant job were just unnecessary. Yet while they worked way too hard for not enough money in a mostly unfulfilling job, if I could bring a little joy out of their day by being the gringo boss who can’t handle spicy foods, well then fuck it. Light me up.
Or like when you go to a sushi place and they have the one roll with a asterisk above it that says “DON’T EAT THIS OR YOU WILL SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUST AND DIE ON THE SPOT SERIOUSLY THIS WILL KILL YOU” in big bold letters. I’ve just never understood who that stuff is for.
Was there something I was supposed to be blogging about here? The Challenge? Right?
Well, fine, if you insist…
Winner: Nicole’s Mom
Fuck the fuck yeah. Moms are the shit. That’s like some real ass mom-knowledge type shit right there.
Big shout out to Nicole’s Mom. Big shout out to my Mom. Big shout out to every mom out there doin’ mom shit. Out here, grindin’. I see you.
Happy Mother’s Day everyone.
Loser: Expectations
It’s always a disappointment when Nicole says words in a completely normal way. For example, earlier, she said the word ‘knots’ and it sounded like ‘gnaw-ts’ and that was super awesome. But then she said ‘beer pong’, and it just sounded like ‘beer pong’. The way you or I would say ‘beer pong’.
Which is a bummer, but that bummer is just the end of a one-way road I’ve constructed in the neighborhood of my own mind. Nicole is not responsible for saying regular words in an irregular way. It’s a plus, but her job is to bang hotties and win challenges. The gnaw-ts are merely a bonus.
I’m really gonna miss Nicole being in my life week to week. Like, way more than I think I even realize. Does anyone wanna go set something in New York City on fire? Like a building or whatever. Preferably abandoned, but if you’re tryna make this interesting we can go to the loony bin together idgaf.
It’ll be me, you, Fessy, Josh and all them.
I see no problem in this plan. You bring the lighter, I’ll bring the gasoline, and Fessy, of course, will bring the women.
Winner: Teej
The conventional opinion around this Final seems to be a bit of a mixed bag, and we’ll get to my thoughts later, but no one, and I mean no one, not anyone in the world, had a better time participating then TJ Lavin did.
He’s hosted eighty-eight Challenges on eleven different continents on three planets all within the last eighteen months. And yet here he is, having a blast, wearing denim, cracking jokes, strapped to a jetpack that doesn’t jet.
That’s a life that somebody lives. What did you do today? Log in to Microsoft Teams?
Cool.
Winner: The Challenge
This got me. As I lie on my uncomfortable living room couch at 4:30 in the morning, unable to sleep, watching on my laptop, something about this stupid fucking song and this silly ass challenge that just tickled some sort of funny bone inside of me somewhere.
If you allow it to, this show can take you to some magical places.
Winner: Sandbagging
It’s funny that Ace thought he could fool us by pretending to be bad at this when we all know he had this exact set-up at his frat house in college.
Winner: The Challenge
Is this nonsense pictured above an athletic competition for $250,000 dollars?
Or, is it a behind the scenes documentary on the making of some movie from the 50’s that’s in the bonus features for the Van Wilder DVD you bought for three dollars off the guy in front of the 7/11 on 95th street?
Nope, I was right, it’s an athletic competition worth $250,000.
America.
What a country.
More on that in a bit…
Winner: The Thrill Of Sport
When it came down to Veronica or Leroy in this nonsense contest, and the realization that one of them would soon be out of my life set in, I felt as tense as I did during that Christmas episode of The Bear.
That seems like a joke, but it wasn’t. I care about these two people far more than I should. And far more than any fictional characters. Even handsome, haunted chefs like Carmy.
Winner: Cara Maria, Voice Of The People
Winner: The Right Reasons
Two things…
1) I want Leroy to look me in the eye and say “you deserve it I hope you fucking win all the money, brother” more than I’ve ever wanted something in my entire life. Maybe I can make it my ringtone or something. Does Leroy do Cameo? Can you buy yourself a Cameo? Is that weird? Is that allowed?
“Hey, this is for me, you once told Steve ‘you deserve it I hope you fucking win all the money, brother’ I’m going through a tough time right now and could use the motivation.”
And then I’ll probably end up getting back something like, “Amanda, I hope you have an amazing Sweet 16. Your friends Taylor and Stephanie love you so much and they think you’re amazing. They tell me you’re a big fan of The Challenge, so one day, Amanda, I hope to compete against you and run along side of you in a Final. Happy Birthday!”
Number two…
Winner: Leroy
Sure, this guy made a big deal about retiring from this show during Double Agents and now here he is only a few years later.
After listening to him on Johnny’s podcast, I’ve come to realize he did retire from that version of the show. The version of the show he didn’t feel safe on. My white-suburban-self didn’t really understand the impact of what Camila did (or notice on first watch all the millions of small cuts along the way) to him on Dirty 30. Everything on the surface was clear as day, but what I didn’t, and couldn’t, comprehend is the idea that after that happened, he didn’t feel safe in their hands any more.
Not physically safe, and if ANYONE could and should feel that way, it’s Leroy, but mentally and emotionally safe in the environment that they had cultivated over the years.
On the podcast, he mentions that one of the first things he did when they called him was ask “what’s changed?” As in, what have you done behind the scenes to ensure something like that never happens again. So for him to come back, after all he’s spoken out about since he left, and how much he’s at least opened my eyes to things I’ve been privileged enough to never experienced personally, says that the proper steps have been likely taken.
Which means that he came back to a different show. A different environment. And maybe he hasn’t won a Challenge, and maybe he never will, but causing that change, forcing that change, is a lasting impact that means so much more than holding up a giant check and hugging TJ Lavin while covered in sweat and vomit.
From the moment his Real World season ended, and he showed up on The Challenge, I chose to root for Leroy with the same loyalty that you hold towards whatever sports team you choose to root for. His wins, or potential wins, meant, or hypothetically, mean something to me. I’m happy for anyone who wins this show, because for the most part, I love all of these people.
Though we as Challenge fans understand that some of them mean just that much more to us than the rest of them. Whoever that person is for you, for whatever reason that may be, you understand what I’m trying to say.
That blow is a little softened this time around though. I realized a few episodes in, that he had already won The Challenge. The Challenge brought him a family. He may never win The Big One, but he already won the biggest one of them all.
Life.
The man has his dream job, his dream woman, a healthy child.
A lot of times around here I say that on The Challenge, the results are the only thing that matters. Yet as Leroy showed us this season, the results, in fact, do not matter at all.
Winner: Fire Fighters
Considering that roughly 8% of the New York City Fire Department was on this cast, it only makes sense to dress them up as fire fighters.
Here’s a fun hypothetical: If Jay had made it to this point in the Final, would Nicole have partnered up with him or Laurel?
Now there’s a Sophie’s Choice for ya.
Winner: Tonight’s Entertainment
I was thinking sexy Police Officers, but it’s already three in the morning, this will have to do.
Winner: The Bible
The Old Testament is wild, bro.
Winner: Commitment To The Bit
The Devil is in the details.
Loser: Not Following Proper Hose Handling Protocols
According to The Essentials of Fire Fighting, this is not at all the correct way to handle your hose during fire hose soccer. Maybe the rules are little more lenient in South Africa.
Either way, her boss is not gonna be happy about this.
Loser: New Recruits Assigned To The Same Fire House As Nicole
Hazing culture is getting out of control.
Winner: How Lucky We Are
No other show in the world has this in it’s bag.
This seemingly random conversation between them is still relevant to this day. Cutthroat was about fourteen years ago in real time, but about a billion years ago in Challenge time.
Yet here we are, a decade and a half later, and Cara’s still trying to justify her reasons for being on the team to mean old Coach Stucky.
Things change, things stay exactly the same, sometimes you just never know.
Winner: Whoever It Was At Casting That Saw Something In A Young Cara Maria
Cara is great TV for so many reasons, but one of the top of the top, is that despite knowing better than anyone that what she’s walking into probably isn’t that scary, she walked into this Bluff Night portion of the game with genuine fear on her face. She was terrified. Of what? Nothing. She knew that. Ace? Maybe not. For all he knows that was the end of his ability to live a fulfilling life.
Cara, on the other hand, knows that she’s going to be mildly uncomfortable for just a little while.
Yet there she is, looking like Jenna Ortega being stalked by some sort of killer something in the third act of an A24 movie.
God bless her.
Winner: Taking It Just One Step Further
I’ma be honest with y’all. This is from the bottom of my heart. What I say next represents the truest essence of me as a person. As well as, in my opinion, a potential representation of what this show could be at it’s best.
This would have been way more fun to watch if they had set Cara Maria on fire instead.
Winner: Free Ideas
If I owned a hammer company, I would hire Steve to re-enact this for a commercial. At first, he struggles, but now, with the help of the hammer from my hammer company, in the words of TJ Lavin, he kills it.
At least, like, thirteen Challenge fans would buy a hammer after that. Totally worth it.
Winner: The Undertaker
With all these years of hindsight, it is actually kind of insane that The Undertaker was just so fucking cool that his gimmick went from like Undead Leader Of A Group Of Gothic Satanists to Middle Aged Man Going Through Some Stuff Who Buys A Motor Cycle and everybody was just super into it.
It didn’t matter what he did. Those two things, on their own, sound ridiculous. Yet The Undertaker was so fucking dope at being both that it did not matter. This old ass man rode a motorcycle to the ring using Limp Bizkit as his entrance music, when like eighteen months earlier he was rolling his eyes in the back of his head and stuffing Stephanie McMahon into coffins.
Not only did he manage to make both of those things cool, at one point, he went back to being Undead Person who turns the lights off and appears after a lightning strike, and every single person in the world who even cared about wrestling a little bit was like “THIS IS THE BEST THING TO EVER HAPPEN TO ME I WANT TO DRINK GOAT BLOOD”.
Oh, also, Veronica rolled a ball down a hill. She did it in quite a few attempts. Her strategy was to roll it with finesse. This eventually worked.
Now that’s a recap, baby!
Winner: Life Imitating Art
If anybody ever wondered “how does Nicole hook up with all these hot girls?”, her turn at this game is really all you need to know. Imagine all of that energy bottled up and laser focused on getting to at least second base with you by the end of the night.
Loser: Misplace Fear
This was the most terrifying moment of any piece of content released since The Shining was in movie theaters.
I mean what the hell, man?
I’m going through a lot. I didn’t need to feel the fear within the souls of thousands of lost children while I’m just trying to eat Captain Crunch and enjoy my short time on this planet.
Winner: The Start Of Forever
Ya know, now that Laurel and Nicole are happily engaged with two dogs, living in a Brooklyn Brownstone purchased through the profits from Laurel’s breakthrough cat vaccine, watching this season back really puts things into perspective.
If you just set your shit aside for like five minutes, you can finally settle down and find happiness.
Never in my wildest dreams did I think these two would still be together. Yet as you all know, I’ve been wrong before.
Loser: A Hypothetical We’ll Never Know The Answer To
Okay, so what if the world ended, like some sort of disease caught fire and overnight wiped out the population everywhere besides this cargo net that they’re sleeping in.
How long would they stay up there under the assumption that it’s all part of the Final?
Genuinely. So they’d see the sun come up, and then production wouldn’t be showing up, but then they’d probably guess there were hidden camera’s and mics somewhere. How long do they stay up there?
Cara and Laurel would probably die before one got down and the other didn’t. Ace would be out first, Steve wouldn’t be too long after that.
The question then, is, would Cara and Laurel be able to mutually come to a decision that, possibly, something is wrong and that this isn’t actually part of the Final?
I’d say yes, but Laurel would have to crack first.
Maybe that’s the true test of who’s the GOAT.
I guess we’ll never know.
Loser: Adam, For Ace Now Has The Title For Saying The Illest Shit I’ve Ever Heard
If something tragic were to happen and I were to ever be single again, this is what my Hinge bio is going to say.
Look, this may be the suburbs in me talking, but I mean what in the absolute hell is Ace talking about? Does he really have that? And if so, where can I like go into it? My right knee has been killllinngggggg me after playing basketball. I could really use the help.
Win or not, this seems sort of important. Almost as if like the government should get involved. Or someone, maybe not them. Maybe Dumbledore or someone like that should do something about this.
Are we really going to just gloss over the idea that Ace is in the possession of something that can cure all ailments, and it’s like “aw shoot he couldn’t figure out that pipe puzzle, I guess my mom’s bad heart will have to continue to be bad, oh well.”
Anywho, you guys hear OJ died?
Loser: The Boy Who Cried Wolf
It was right about here that I thought we were going to get bamboozled. Hoodwinked. Rug = Pulled from under us.
When this Final began, actually, let’s go back even further, when this season began, TJ told everybody that anyone could win.
He said it over and over again all season long, and it’s very clear by the behavior of the group both before and after this Final was completed, that they did not believe him.
I also did not believe him. You probably didn’t either. This is not due to some deep understanding that TJ Lavin is a liar. No one on either side of the television screen believed TJ because he’s said that many times before. On Ride or Dies, he began the Final by saying this was unlike any other Final, and then, while, sure, that’s the first Final where an Alaskan was almost decapitated, but at the end of the day (shout out Nany), it really was just a bunch of running, and at the end of the day (shout out Nany), came down to who was in the best cardiovascular shape.
Once TJ walked them towards the place that the camera’s were set up, I then assumed he was going to say, “Okay, see that mountain over there? Go run up it while carrying one of these porcupine’s who were recently diagnosed with a UTI and have only eaten low-dose adderal tablets for the last ten days. Good luck, and get it done.”
You know what they say about people who assume…
They’re usually right.
What happened next was the opposite of that. What he said was that you were actually descending a hill, doing a bunch of puzzles, then running a short (I think?) distance through a vineyard.
As it always is with them, the Challenge Gods just cannot help but get in their own way. I can think of countless times in my life where I tried looking cool in front of a girl I was flirting with, and got like 95% percent of the way there until I coughed on her neck or bumped my funny-bone on a door-frame.
That’s how this attempt at something new, something I’ve been advocating for since I signed up for medium.com, felt like in a strange way. One of the problems with the titular Boy who does all this crying about the wolf, and therefore one of the problems with re-enacting his cries, is that when the wolf shows up, no one has any fucking clue what to do.
Like in The Dark Knight, where the Joker is talking about how he’s just a dog chasing his tail and if he caught it he’d have no clue what to do with it. That’s the position they put themselves in, and only have themselves to blame for catching backlash for.
On the other hand…..
Winner: The Idea That Anyone Can Win
There is not a Challenge fan alive, and here I go assuming again, that would agree with the idea to cast for athletic ability only. That’s simply not what this show is. That’s what sports are.
Every daily challenge, every elimination round, these people show up not knowing what to expect. The games, the circumstances, the people, they change every day. Nothing is static.
What the game is, what the teams are, who your partner is, who hooked up with who, who got too drunk last night, who was on your Real World season, who’s voting, who’s up to be voted for, who got injured when, who got pregnant when, chance, these, among many other, are the constantly shifting, day to day, sometimes hour to hour, variables any Challenge person has to account for along their journey.
Depending on the daily, or the elimination round, even which muscle group you use and which order you have to use them changes. Sometimes you need to be strong. Sometimes you need to be smart. Most times you need to be adaptable. Sometimes you need to have high endurance. Sometimes you need to be able to have a strong will and overcome your body’s natural avoidance towards disgusting foods and beverages.
Sometimes you need a little bit of all of those.
But you don’t know. Not until you’re there. Not even just there, but a lot of times, you need to have already participated in the game to have an ounce of understanding.
That is until the end.
The Final.
When you 99% (forget about the exceptions) know that when you’re going to need is endurance. And a lot of it. Because you’re going to be doing a ton of running.
Sure, the details shift and get new branding and name changes, but for the most part, whoever can run the fastest for the longest is going to take home the money and the glory at the end.
Think of just the verbiage they use. Run a Final. They don’t say run a daily. Or run an elimination.
They say “run a Final”.
Think of how much being able to run effects almost every single aspect of decision making in this game. Why does that one singular aspect of what it takes to succeed during 95% percent of the game take such precedence when it comes time to win.
Look, I get it. That’s what this show is. It’s not like this is some new phenomenon I’m the first to notice. It has just always seemed silly to me that in a game where endurance is just a piece of the larger puzzle for most of the game, increases in importance to such a high level that in becomes a requirement to compete.
Not only does this lead to the same people, or the same types of people winning a lot, not only does it lead to some slightly dissatisfying outcomes (Emanuel on 39, Amber on Double Agents, Turbo on War of the Worlds) relative to their abilities at everything else that it takes to excel in this world, it leads to too many awkward instances that effect the bottom tier.
On Ride or Dies, we had to awkwardly watch Jordan say everything besides “Aneesa’s out of shape” for nineteen episodes. Part of what made that partnership and their presence so uncomfortable was that we knew the ending. Aneesa, in the shape she was in, could not have won a traditional Final.
But what if she could have?
On Double Agents, Big T and CT were the fan favorites. They had cool nicknames, Hawk and Fluffy Bunny or some shit like that. He was big, she was little. They both had the letter T in their name. They both dove further into the bit, making it all the more endearing. Sure, other than swimming, Big T kinda sucked at doing Challenge stuff. So maybe she isn’t the greatest martyr to prop up. But, she did spend that season representing the side of this show that needs people like Big T to make it special. So then CT behaved in a way the he knew, and we knew, and she knew, and everyone else knew, that Big T couldn’t win.
But what if she could?
Remember how awkward the Fessy/Aneesa stuff was? As hilarious as watching Fessy squirm uncomfortably was, it just kinda felt mean. Idk, it’s not Aneesa’s fault she answered the phone.
But what if there was a world where Fessy and Aneesa could have continued dominating daily challenges in the way that they were and been able to stay together and realistically win a Final.
Do we think Horacio has gone into seventeen elimination rounds in two seasons because they all don’t want to look at him anymore?
No! It’s because he’s a soccer player and soccer players have crazy endurance and everyone knows that he’ll smoke them if they have to “Run a Final” against him.
Not that the kid needs anything else in life to be easier, I mean good lord, have you seen him on a stationary bike? But they all can hop into their confessionals and say “oh, he doesn’t talk to people, blah blah blah” all they want and claim that’s why they’re throwing a vote at his gorgeous face, but we all know the truth.
Other than my desperation for an American NBA MVP (I mean this getting fucking ridiculous. It’s for the best that Luke didn’t win the title in an election year, but considering Jayson Tatum is a Sim and not human, thank the stars in the sky that Jaylen Brown outplayed him (look, constant double teams on the catch not withstanding, Tatum played not to lose that entire playoff run and got lifted up by how hungry and angry his teammates played) when the lights shined the brightest. I need Edwards to get his shit together Lebron and Curry are one hundred years old, and Wemby’s coming for everything like super duper soon, so please just figure it out for the sake of the American economy. I mean these guys are gonna be making $96 million a year pretty soon and all of it is going to get invested in fucking Serbian horse farms and French basketball infrastructure, further exacerbating the issue at hand. While everyone in the sports media is losing their minds at the idea of girls merely playing organized basketball, real ass issues are happening all around us.) the idea of fundamentally shifting the idea of what a Final Challenge means is by far my strongest held belief.
Was what we got perfect?
No.
But, they’ll only get better at it. And not only that, this shift is more about what will happen in the future than what happened that day.
Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying abandon this aspect of the game totally. Absolutely not. Keep “mini-finals”, but maybe you could blow them out, and sometimes, any given daily challenge can be, essentially, a Final.
Or, after five seasons of different versions of a “non-traditional” Final, on number six, they show up to TJ telling them they have to run a thousand miles and stay up for a month straight.
That surprise would be so much more effective than upping the stakes to a point of parody. Let’s be real, on Ride or Dies, when TJ said the Final would be “100 Hours”, he sounded a little like Dr. Evil saying “one million dollars”. Ya know? Where do you go from there? Realistically, anything over 100 on our end of the tv is just superflous.
Plus, I mean fuck, honestly guys, did anyone miss watching them run? Or hearing them say different versions of “I’m not gonna quit”? That shit sucked. All the time. There’s never been a close finish. A real one at least. The runs are always so separated that sometimes that have to Photoshop the others into the frame.
That’s what we missed this time around?
I can only speak for myself, but I cannot recall a single intersting moment during a running portion of a Final.
Well except for one…
Fucking Big Easy….
Honestly, everything I just typed above, all the devils that have plagued this show and turned the Final into a parody of itself, can all get traced back to sunshine on my goddamn shoulder Big Easy.
That moment when he was carried off in a stretcher, looking identical to every man, woman, and child watching at home after the first time Averey did a confessional in that blue top, sucking down oxygen simply to stay alive, was truly this show’s original sin.
Loser: Cara Maria, Always Taking Things One Step Too Far
I know I just typed up a bunch of bullshit about how Aneesa should be able to win the Challenge (I’m pretty sure that ended up being my entire point, sadly), but Cara’s just stretching reality a bit too far here, don’t ya think?
Winner: Call Backs
Loser: PA Homie With The Leg Tats
It’s been a long season for production. They’ve had to deal with a lot. Janelle quitting, Ayanna wreaking havoc, Cara Maria being late for call times, Nicole just in general.
So my mans was ready for it to be over. This was his last one. He’s done with TV. He could only fight against his mom for so long, and so now he’s moving back in with his parents and getting his MBA. Growing up. Wearing pants, hiding the beautiful art adoring the back of his calf.
Not only that, but only three more days of dealing with Todd. Todd’s pretty annoying, and pretending to be nice has become more difficult by the day. The feeling only compounding itself with each annoying interaction at craft services.
So he showed up to work one morning, early to avoid Todd, and poured a cup of the shitty coffee he and the rest of the PA’s have to drink. Deep down, he knows everyone loves TJ and everything, but after all this time he’s come to the conclusion that he walks past all of them with the lid off his more expensive coffee, wafting the smells of hazelnut into their underpaid psyches, totally on purpose. A power move. But who would believe him.
Of course Todd’s already there, talking about nothing as usual. So he grabs his call sheet, and listed, right at the top, as Todd is talking his ear off about the movie he saw on TBS last night, he reads that his assignment is to acquire four barrels full of roughly fifty thousand LIVE MAGGOTS.
I may have taken fictional liberties with the details, but it actually was someone’s job to get thousands of maggots and transport them to somewhere in the middle of nowhere South Africa.
How does that work? Do they get a bulk discount? Is there a return situation? I mean, where do these maggots go when this is all over. Ace took it upon himself to clean up the cockroach problem (or maybe cause a bigger one, I’m no biologist), but how does that work? Who do you call for something like that? Genuinely how much does that cost?
I mean it’s gross, for sure, but what happens next? Where do they go? I have no idea what value maggots add to the world, or whatever, but I have to imagine they can’t let them roam free, right?
I envy those of you who can just watch this show and then go do something else.
Loser: Mike McD
Sometimes you try so hard to outsmart the game that you forget the game still has ultimate control.
Good on you, Steve, for not blaming anyone but yourself for this self-inflicted, fatal wound.
This is the part where the ghosts of the Challenge USA cast shouts on any podcast who would allow them to about how unfair all of this is.
I will never, ever, ever, pass up an opportunity to clown on those whiny losers. If it was so impossible, Tyson, then how come Danny was able to do it? Huh? If the hurdles built by lazy and cruel producers were built too high for even the almighty Tyson to clear, then why was Danny able to do it? In all their bitching and complaining, no one ever bothered to ask any of them how something can be impossible if it was proved to be possible by someone else?
Anywho, so this OJ thing, wild, right? I mean, shout out to the real killer, because the only man in the world looking for you just bit the dust. You’re free now. Your own personal juice, is finally loose.
Also, Ron Goldman, not to trivialize it or anything, but his death is just another of the most important life lesson you can learn and that’s don’t ever do anything nice for anyone ever.
Winner: All Stars
17 years ago, I never thought I’d be watching Ace run a Final challenge in South Africa ever again.
And here we are.
Life’s good.
Winner: Young Laurel
And it was the sickest shit of all time.
That version of herself she just described is a person we will never see again. I don’t think society allows that type of person to exist in quite the same way.
But what a ride it was.
Winner: Those That Are Good At Challenge Bullshit Are Always Going To Be Good At Challenge Bullshit
Even in a Final that didn’t necessarily resemble a Final they had all prepared for going in, the decision to make the change is justified even further by the placement of the top two.
Take all the running out of it, and the best Challenge people are still the best Challenge people.
Winner: Joy
Even in defeat, in losing to her fiercest rival, the joy this show brought to Cara, and then was absent prior to her disappearance, very obviously had returned to her.
I cannot recall a single moment Cara exhibited joy the last time we saw her. Which is something she always had, even in her most annoying moments. All Stars 4 brought the return of that joy, and there can’t be a single rational minded Challenge fan out there who didn’t love to see it.
While this may have been an overall reminder of what Cara brings to the table as a competitor and takes off the table as a roommate, none of that matters on this side of the TV. Bringing her back was the best decision this show’s made in a long time. And I can’t be alone in hoping that this return is as long as she wants it to be.
Winner: Another Satisfying Chapter
The gift that keeps on giving, The Ballad Of Laurel & Cara Maria closes another chapter in a saga we can only hope will never end.
Most sequels suck. Most re-makes and re-boots are terrible. Never with these two though. They have no idea how to be anything besides Shakespearean in everything that they do.
The Season 40 cast was announced in the time between this episode airing and this recap being written (my Mom came into town and, no offense to the Challenge Gods, but spending time with her is way more important than The Challenge “Hey Mom, sit tight, I gotta figure out how to work Fessy into this section about Nicole and Veronica.”. She would want my head checked for concussions) and it looks like the story will continue shortly.
Sometimes we wait awhile, sometimes we’re eating good. Either way, no matter what, this is a movie I never, ever, want to end.
Winner: America
I once wrote that the story of Laurel and Cara Maria is the perfect metaphor for what it means to be a modern American. Everything about their story is everything, the good and the bad, modernity is all about wrapped into an ornate reality television package.
And nothing, I mean nothing, is more American than this outcome right here.
Laurel, in order to become a healthy, productive, helpful member of society and become a veterinarian, was forced by the wheels of capitalism to take on a substantial amount of debt in order to do so. That way, even once she’s on her own, the bank will still own her for at least a little while.
So, in order to take the burden off of herself, Laurel is forced to humiliate herself by going onto this show and having some X Games wash-out tell her what to do for a couple of months.
Not only that, but half that money gets taken by Uncle Sam himself, and instead of being spent on improving Laurel’s quality of life, will be instead spent on a new set of jet-ski’s after some Senator’s nephew wrecked theirs over the holiday weekend.
As the great Lana Del Rey once said…
God Bless America, and all the beautiful women in it!
Congratulations to Laurel. Who knows what she’ll be able to accomplish with her take home pay of thirty five dollars and sixteen cents.
Thank you to Laurel, and Cara, and Leroy, and TJ, and everyone I don’t know your name because I don’t read the credits who helped make this season awesome.
Maybe I’m exaggerating due to the state of my life right now, or the state of the world, or the timing of this season dropping, but I genuinely think this was the best time, the most fun, the most laughs, the most nonsensical deep contemplating while smoking a joint out on my deck, that I’ve ever had the pleasure of enjoying while watching The Challenge.
All Stars 4 rocked, and rolled.
So from me, and from the cockroaches now ruling over the South African countryside, thank you for keeping me sane for an hour a week.
VIVA LA FRESH MEAT 2!!!
And thanks to every single one of you for reading these every week, and all the nice comments and messages. It really means the world to me. Don’t forget to get your questions for the big 200th Article Celebration in to fessyfitness200@gmail.com. See you back here soon! Season 40 looks amazing!!! And until then, as always, Happy Challenge Watching!!!
