The Challenge All Stars 4 Episode 11 Recap — Winners & Losers
Welcome back to another edition of Winners and Losers!! All Stars 4 is already on Episode 11, can you believe it? As ready as I was for it to get here, it’s leaving us just the same. Somebody should write a song about that. Inside this week: We litigate how Berna’s family feels about various major films, Berna doesn’t get a letter from home yet again, TJ’s just a plastic bag floating through the wind these days, and much, much more…..
Winner: Getting Everything You Ever Wanted And Then Some
When I die, if this isn’t exactly how I’m greeted upon arrival in the afterlife, then honestly what was any of this for?
All Stars 4 has been everything I’ve ever wanted out of this show. The ending encroaching upon us all actually does bum me out. I’m sure Season 40 will be great, I have very few doubts after reading the cast list and the format, but there was something magical about this specific cast, and this time post Season 39, and all the other variables that played into it.
Appreciate the Good Ole Days while you’re currently living them.
Winner: This Man, Refusing To Allow Homie With The Leg Tats To Be The Only Production Assistant Who Gets Camera Time With Leroy
Do you think this was a situation where he was already an hour late to work, which is why they did this whole thing in the first place? My mans was running down the stairs.
Can we also talk about that sound board thingamajig Leroy is holding for a second? I mean, I don’t know shit about fuck when it comes to the details that go into filming a show like this. But is sound really that complicated to capture properly? That thing looks like it’s also coordinating the direction of satellites orbiting one of Jupiter’s moons.
Look at the size of the antenna things! You could fuck an elephant with those.
Any one of the nineteen people who read these who actually knows what they’re talking about probably hated everything I just said. Their stomach is in knots right now at my stupidity. Which I will counter by saying that I’m writing this on the internet, meaning that truth and accuracy are by far the least important factors at play here. So, if that is the case, and you think I sounded dumb by using words like “antenna things”, in the great words of Adam Larson…
Loser: Not Taking Full Advantage Of The Available Amenities
Has Ace not asked, or has Leroy not offered?
I understand the desire to grow your hair out, especially when you’re blessed to have a full and healthy head of lettuce like Ace does. But I mean Leroy can at least clean up the sides and the back for him a little bit. I guess it doesn’t matter at all, but while Leroy’s got the barbershop open, it would be at the bare minimum just something to do.
Not a lot in life can inspire a burst of confidence like the feeling after a fresh haircut.
Just think, if Leroy weren’t there to regularly keep Adam’s hair fresh as fuck, would Adam’s confidence have been altered just enough to not be so cool in his interactions with Averey? Maybe. Maybe not. No bad ideas in a brainstorm. Just trying to put this energy into the universe as just another reason to keep Leroy safe in future seasons.
Winner: Challengers, They’re Just Like Us
I too eat my eggs and toast by combining them into one. I feel as there’s no other way to do it. And to those who do bite-of-egg-bite-of-toast, well you’re really just allowing the best in life pass you by.
Winner: The Way Nicole Says The Word Girl
Even the closed captioning person is confused.
It will never not make me laugh. She says girl or girls about ten thousand times on her Real World season. The sound, her specific pronunciation of the letters ir, will pop into my head intermittently for the rest of my life like little bursts on the surface of the sun.
Winner: Dreams
I one day dream of taking a nap underneath enormous photographs of Leroy and Ace. I didn’t realize that was a lifelong dream of mine until I saw Averey doing it. But now that I know it’s a thing, it’s easy to see that it’s always been a thing deep inside of me.
Winner: Some Lucky Server Somewhere
During my time in the restaurant industry I served some decently famous people. Scottie Pippen (seeing how large his hands are in person is quite the jarring experience, the way he held a roast beef sandwich most lunch-goers couldn’t finish was the same way you or I would hold a Bic lighter, I could not imagine trying to dribble past this man from the perimeter), Doc Rivers and Tom Thibodeau (I’m not kidding you, this was middle of the summer in Chicago tucked into downtown along the lake, basically a perfect day, and they spent the entire lunch bitching about refs, it was like the greatest podcast I’ve ever heard), Gwen Stefani (we were told by one of her people upon her arrival that we were “to not look directly at Mrs. Stefani” which was borderline impossible considering she was wearing a flashy red gown-type thing with enormous poofs on the shoulders, and also telling someone not to do something before they’ve even had a chance to all but assures that they will then do that thing, but sure, yeah, I won’t look at her), Danica Patrick (she sent every single thing she ordered back to be re-made, including the bottle of champagne she ordered, I think as a weird power move, but was so nice about it I just was like wow we must be fucking up let me fix this for you tiny race car driver), among quite a few others.
And none of them ever really made me nervous.
They’re just people trying to eat a meal who will hopefully be tipping me 20%. But the idea of walking up to a table and seeing Laurel and Nicole sitting there in like date clothes would totally throw me for a loop.
I’d be staggering to the back, in full need of medical attention, begging someone else to take the table for fear that I might pass out.
I think about that stuff sometimes. Challenge people in the wild doing regular people things as if they’re just regular people. Okay, fine, maybe I think about that stuff basically all the time.
For instance, what if I saw CT riding the subway? What would I do? Would I just stay on it just to see where he gets off? I mean I wouldn’t approach him or anything, but to say that I wouldn’t be staring at him the entire time studying his every movement with fascination would also be a lie.
Loser: One Too Many Johnny Bananas Jokes
Maybe I’ve been watching too much cable television or something, but for whatever reason, this is how I imagine TJ will greet them when he finally snaps, kills all the producers with bike pegs, and then one by one tortures these people by tying them down, asking them impossible trivia questions, and blowing an extra-strength airhorn a few inches from their ear drums when they get them wrong.
Or whatever.
Winner: The Challenge — A Metaphor For Life
There’s a metaphor here where the stars represents going to college and the final represents monetary comfort and the $250,000 represents a high paying salary at a good company and TJ represents my father, but I don’t know if I have time to dive into all of that with you all. And honestly, I don’t know if I could afford the bill. Therapists are amazing in theory and in practice, at least until the final fifteen seconds, and then you remember they’re getting paid and you’re just another number on an Excel document saved on the same computer with a folder called Tax Stuff :-( which is actually where she hoards all the dick pics men have sent her over the years.
Which I guess explains why I have this stupid blog. Please don’t bill me. Or send me dick pics. Okay, fine, but send them to our Twitter. This is Fessy’s week to check the DM’s.
Winner: The Result Being Satisfying Enough Not To Cause Me Nostalgia For What Could Have Been
Right from this moment, there were two ways this could have gone.
They could have told the rest of the cast to kick rocks, sorry, too bad, told you to get a job, I mean, get a star. Sayonara. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.
Or, the remainder will be given some sort of chance to get a star of their own.
For what it’s worth, I liked how things all played out. I liked making them do a Challenge that was actually difficult, or at least physically strenuous, meaning that to get this last chance, you had to earn it the old fashioned Challenge way.
But it would have been really interesting, I think more interesting, to have gone the first route, but that’s also because anything hypothetical is more fun than anything real. But Laurel, Ryan (meh, not so much, he was nursing like fourteen different injuries), and Derek would have been kicking themselves for not going in when TJ almost begged them to.
Adam, on the other hand, would be an even more aggrieved party then he already is, considering his ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory got snatched from him by a familiar, gorgeous set of hands right as he was walking up to the gate.
The fire burning in the world of Cara Maria and Laurel is burning hot enough, and there will be more on that later on, but wouldn’t this have just added even more fuel?
No bad ideas in a brainstorm, is all I’m saying.
Winner: Bait
Cara’s favorite part of fishing, by far, and I know this from sources with close friendships with cast members, is buying the worms on the way there.
Winner: Spitting, Just Spitting Hot Fire All Day Long Like He’s Dylan
Last week, this man dropped the hottest diss track of 2024 against Steve — “Sit and spin bitch” — then he follows it up with an unprompted bar like this?
Adam is nice with the pen bro.
Winner: Adam’s Ability To Channel The Collective Thoughts And Feelings Of The Season 39 Cast After Having Lived With Berna For Two Months
There’s a reason it’s called Clown College and not Charm School.
Okay, fine, since we’re here, one other burning Berna related question, considering her background as a clown in the circus, do you think that she has complicated, or even negative feelings towards the portrayal of clowns in the movie It? Doubtful that movie finds itself into the DVD rotation in circus locker rooms. More as offense to their line of work rather than any of the blood and guts.
Come to think of it, she and her people must hate the part in Batman Forever when Two Face kills Robin’s family (Though, to be fair, these people were trapeze artists, and for a minute there, they decided they were actually Batman. I don’t want to victim blame, but they certainly didn’t take themselves out of harms way. Yet, on the other hand, this could also be chalked up to another set of bodies at the hands of Batman himself. Was Gotham prone to psychopaths with funky gimmicks? Or were they a product of the environment created by a somewhat psychopath himself who dresses up like a rodent and beats up criminals at night? Either way, the lesson here kids, is don’t be a hero. Or a former District Attorney with a facial deformity is going to incidentally kill your entire family. Leaving to you to a life of creatively doing laundry in a small room tucked into a rich guy’s estate) at the circus.
The thing is, I just have so many Berna thoughts, and because I actively chose to not write about Season 39, they all were either spilled onto the podcast I guested on during the season, or tucked into some weird corner of my head.
Leading to moments like this, where those Berna thoughts crash through the mushy walls in my head like a clumsy Juggernaut wearing the shortest shorts imaginable.
In this best of all possible worlds…all is for the best.
— Voltaire
Mr. Scorpio says productivity is up 2%, and it’s all because of my motivational techniques, like donuts and the possibility of more donuts to come.
— Homer Simpson
To bring this thing back home, of the many tendrils sprouting from this All Stars organism, one of the most marvelous of them all is that the idea of Adam Larson and Berna The Clown interacting in a meaningful way is no longer an impossibility.
All Stars has created a universe where possibilities are now infinite.
In a way, the main show is a bit hamstrung by all of it’s baggage. All Stars on the other hand, manages to put that baggage in a locked cabinet, only to rummaged through when necessary. It’s freer from the shackles of it’s own history, despite, in a way, dragging along a deeper rooted version of that same history. The chains may be heavier overall, but the amount of links give them much further reign to get away from the drab grey castle walls and live their life, and play on the season, in technicolor.
Sure, that pairing of Adam and Berna is very unlikely to happen. Seems a bit strange and out there and incomprehensible. I get it. Believe me, I understand that I’m just throwing total bullshit out there and turning the volume knob a few clicks up to add a humorous slant.
These recaps are color by numbers at this point.
Let’s put it this way.
I guess it would be like me saying that one day Steve from Road Rules: The Quest is going to win genuinely hard-fought elimination rounds against…
- Tyri (Oh, I guess another smaller example is to imagine the idea of MTV spelling Tyri’s name wrong across multiple different reality television programs airing on their network since the year 2006. How wild would that be?)
- Club Rat Jay, the guy who couldn’t drink the drink.
- Kefla, who was last on the show during the Bill Clinton administration.
And it’s all going to be in the same season. One where he will introduce us to a Bulgarian Bag. One where he’ll also cause his former Road Rules: The Quest RV-mate Adam Larson to flip him the bird and tell him to sit and spin in his exit confessional.
Not to tell you how to live your life or anything, but I highly recommend dropping any pretenses as to what makes a “good” cast, hop aboard this Crazy Train and go off the rails with the rest of us.
It’s a lot of fun down here.
Winner: Art, For May We Weep On The Day It Dies
This is the kind of thing you see online as a still shot from some Oscar bait movie you’ll only pretend to have seen at parties and on social media in order to make yourself seem like an interesting person.
Except, instead, it’s Flora quitting a game she probably should have never signed up to play in the first place while Adam and Laure console her. Something you will never talk about at parties, or (probably) on social media, attempting to seem interesting or not.
Loser: Ugh, Like, Flora
Ummmm, it’s giving delulu?!?!
She better be kidding, because girl, your ass had no chance. Cara Maria and Laurel would have wiped the floor with you!!!
…
…..
…….
If I started doing more content like that, my blog grow by a factor of one thousand by the time Season 40 rolls around. I’ve always wondered what kind of traffic I could get if I did a Top Ten CT Moments As Taylor Swift Lyrics article where I put really low effort into it. We’re probably talking millions of views. Maybe one day.
Until then, let’s get back to the chlorophyll…
Loser: Modernity Induced Depression
Woke TJ was on the cusp of succumbing to the demon’s of his past life on this one.
What a shame we didn’t get to see it. Though, I guess, to be fair, as I said before, Flora probably shouldn’t have been here in the first place, and it’s not like she was weaseling her way out of anything running scared pretending to be a threat only to quit at the end. Everybody just kinda let her stick around. What was she supposed to do?
Idk, either way, I just wanna see him light somebody up again. Just once more. I guess he did almost push Corey off the edge of a cliff during the Final on Season 39. But that was due to a seasons worth of frustration with those people bubbling to the surface more than the guttural disappointment where his best stuff comes from.
No, I want him to rip somebody like ole boy from Rivals 3 who went home to his girlfriend, who, I’m sure, is now his wife and they currently live happily-ever-after.
That’s the TJ I want to see.
That’s the TJ the world needs right now.
For instance, if TJ got put onto one of those presidential broadcasts that interrupts all programming on TV and radio across the United States, and just told everybody to get their shit together, stop complaining, and get it done, would the world not improve at least a little?
Is it at least worth a try? I feel like that much we can agree with.
Instead, we’re stuck with the version of TJ who’s like the opening part of Firework by Katy Perry.
These days, the man inside of him who hates both Flora and Kam for their quittery, is more like a plastic bag floating through the wind. We need him to ignite a little bit.
A boy can dream…..
Winner: Whoever Has Access To The Raw Footage Of This
I would do anything to be able to watch an alt-version of this episode where it’s just this one wide shot of them relaxing and talking about things like whether Derek is good or not. This could have just been the whole episode as far as I’m concerned.
Loser: Physical Activities
Oh, gosh, no, not…no, ew, gross. That’s way too intense for me, brother.
With everything that’s going on in the world, this is how I’m supposed to relax at night?
Can we go back to the camper? I liked the camper.
Winner: The Challenge All Stars Season 4
Representation is important in entertainment. Veronica, thank you, for always being a pioneer. Her answer to Cara’s silly suggestion of swimming is the most heard and seen I’ve felt watching reality television in my entire life. I, too, only want to sit in all black and drink wine while everybody else works hard. There’s nothing I want more, actually.
Yet another of the thousands and thousands of similarities between Veronica and I. It’s getting a bit creepy at this point, don’t you think?
Back to the camper….Ace, your thoughts?
And this is the greatest Challenge season I’ve ever been a part of in my life too.
Look again at how happy Handjob Steve is.
It’s scenes like this that really make me wish I didn’t waste my “romantic about the challenge” bit across recaps for all the seasons leading up to this one. For as much enjoyment and pleasure I got from each and every single one of them, the word romantic is by far most applicable to this All Stars 4.
Upon the conclusion of next week’s episode, let’s just put it this way, these cicada’s are going to be a lot more annoying.
Loser: Frankenbiting So Abhorrent And Offensive I Almost Threw Up Onto My Keyboard While Typing This Section But Luckily It Sprayed Across My Monitor And My Dog Instead
Let’s play a game. Winner gets a prize.
How many Nicoles did it take to form that sentence?
Okay, write down your guess so I know you didn’t cheat.
Okay….
…ready?
…..got your number?
…….last chance to change it…..
Final Answer: 807!
That’s right. It took eight hundred and seven different Nicoles to form that monstrosity of a sound bite. Truthfully, it hurts my feelings that that’s something someone was okay putting out there.
Maybe the sound editor they hired to work on this episode was sick on the day they taught sound editing at sound school.
Because if that’s the case, everything would make a lot more sense. You can’t exactly expect the nephew of a rich entertainment executive to go to class every single day. That’s a ridiculous notion. And if you’re guilty of considering that they should be held to the same standards as the rest of us, well then you should be ashamed of yourself.
Not as ashamed of yourself as the executive’s nephew should be who let this grotesque freak show escape from it’s underground dwellings. But ashamed nonetheless.
Winner: The Pupil Becoming The Master
You know who she kinda sounds like?
Laurel.
Cutthroat Laurel to be specific. Not as aggro as Laurel was towards her back ten. Much more passive aggressive. Which is so fitting it’s almost too on the nose.
The difference being that Laurel was trying to extract something new out of Cara and this time around, Cara’s attempting to extract something old out of Laurel.
Over the years since Cutthroat, oddly enough, or maybe it was always destined to be this way, Cara became the exact sort of Challenge Monster Laurel had attempted to mold. Except now that this Monster has reached her ultimate form, and has returned seemingly more powerful than ever, the molder no longer has the same fire which burned hot enough to begin shaping the moldee in the first place.
More on them in a bit…
Loser: Responsibility
No, dude, Ryan, you don’t have to pay any of that off. It’s, like, ya know, free money. Or whatever. Just ignore the letters and the phone calls and go about your day.
Look, kids, idk wtf this guy is talking about. Credit Cards are Free Money Cards. It’s that simple. Just swipe that bitch for your $8 coffee drink, delete the Capitol One app from your phone, throw on Hot Girl Summer in the free AirPods you used your Free Money Card to get, and strut your shit down the street.
It’s the American way.
Loser: Jokes About The Old You
Do you think she likes these sorts of jokes still?
I am wearing the Hypocrite Hat loud and proud on this one, for sure, considering all the unoriginal jokes I’ve made about people on this exact website over the years. But, idk, people change, right?
25 year old Laurel probably loved stuff like this. But adult, citizen of the world Laurel? Maybe she still does. I have no clue what any of these people think about anything. But at the same time, I can think of plenty of jokes about my personality from my early twenties that I genuinely would not want to hear right now.
For some, it’s because I’ve worked hard to change that aspect about me. For others, its a part of my personality I’ve unfortunately been unable to change, despite efforts towards doing so.
As this particular season has demonstrated, fundamentally, no matter how much we seem to change, when put into a heightened emotional situation, that old version of ourselves we thought was exorcised is still buried somewhere deep within us, playing possum until given an opportunity to return to the light.
Does current Dr. Laurel, who mends the wings of broken birds and gives vaccine shots to new puppies, still enjoy being compared to The Terminator?
Not for us to decide, certainly.
Loser: Beau Miles And Jared Sharples — Two Morons
For once, Google actually did work, and this time led me to this article here from Paddleworld.com
So those two guys I called losers up above this, Beau Miles and Jared Sharples, they actually tried to do what Ryan just claimed he would do in order to get a star.
According to that comically short article in the link above, part way through, Jared got super sick and had to bow out. Then Beau kayaked alone for six weeks before giving up halfway through.
The lesson here?
Don’t do stupid shit like this.
Honestly.
Like those morons who built their own sub out of Gamecube controllers or whatever and then died just so they could kinda-sorta see the Titanic. Which, I’m sure, after decades of being at the bottom of the ocean collecting ocean slime, still looks exactly like it does in the movie. Maybe even a topless Kate Winslet will just be lying there to greet them upon arrival.
Those people received what they were owed and got what they deserved.
The same can be said for Beau and Jared, may they forever remember what a dumb idea they once had.
Winner: Derek Dufresne
When production is a wrap on this day, and the group is on the bus back home, what do they do with all the buckets of Poop Soil Grass just either sitting full or dumped all over the surrounding ground?
What’s the clean up process? What are they liable for? Like, when Nany throws up half digested pasta in the woods, does that just sit there? What sort of environmental impact does something like that have?
I guess maybe this is one of those situations where I should shut the fuck up and stop asking questions.
Did you guys hear OJ died?
Winner: Satisfying Results
I do love a good surprise, but this time around, I’m delighted the favorites won.
This Final, really any Final, but this one in particular, became a hundred times more interesting the minute Laurel got her spot.
While Laurel’s addition is a plus for reasons beyond just what’s happening on the field, Derek making it is all on-field. I mean, who knew? He’s always performed well enough. Battle of the Seasons, which I rewatched as background noise a month or so ago, is a low key impressive season for him, except you have to pay close attention to notice it.
Now is that a him problem, an editing problem, a me problem? Maybe a little of everything, mostly the editors and me, but the point is, whatever this version of Derek is, regardless of the age and ability level of his competition, we have never seen it.
Which is why, and no offense to them, if Adam and Averey had been the ones to win the last star, everything that comes next would have been just that much less interesting to watch.
Everything’s coming up Milhouse around here. Outside of Tony having to leave early, although I will still argue that Nicole wouldn’t have gotten bored as quickly had he stayed therefore her and Laurel wouldn’t have happened as it did, this show has pretty much worked out perfect for fans at home.
In a world where the consumer/fan is hearing the words “fuck you” from companies/teams at an alarming rate, it’s nice to win one for once. Just to get something that seems like it’s for us, with no strings attached.
Winner: The Nightly Revenue Report For Whichever Restaurant They Decide On
I imagine that after this, the three of them showered, changed, got dropped off an at Airbnb which Adam surprised booked for them (three bedrooms, “of course”, but one of them’s actually like a half bedroom with a futon, “so whatever’s most comfortable for you two”), then went out to dinner and sat on a nice patio at a nice restaurant, Ryan with a club soda, Averey and Adam on their second bottle of South African red, and just talked sooooooooooooo much shit about everybody for the next eight to nine hours.
After all the apps and the wine and the sides, maybe a seafood tower or two, “I mean, we are on vacation, we earned this, right guys?”, that’s a hefty bill. You know Adam was trying to impress Averey, and knowing her life in the restaurant industry, he made sure to write in a FAT tip. I’m talking forty percent, and did it in a way that was obvious. Like he said, “Ryan what’s forty percent of $765?” or something dramatic like that. Except he timed it so that Averey was just able to over hear their conversation as she returned from the bathroom.
Or maybe they just went back to whichever cheap hotel was pre-booked for them and slept for like twelve hours because this is the first chance they’ve had at any semblance peace and quiet for over a month and their bodies hurt.
That was fun, right? Was that fun for you? It was fun for me. My life is so boring, so vicariously having dinner a year and a half ago with Ryan, Adam, and Averey in South Africa is just kinda what I needed right now. I’m doing fine.
Winner: The Cream Rising To The Top
Just due to the structure of the game, all season long I’ve been worried about a potential lay-up line Final where there were only two or three “strong” people and the rest would be the Floras of the world.
Yet, for the most part, the exact opposite happened. Just looking at the cast list before the season, you definitely would have said “well, Leroy, Cara, Nicole, and Laurel are gonna be the biggest threats”. And here we are. Ace and Veronica are the only two who were gifted their ticket’s to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory, but again, that’s sort of just part of this show. People waking up one day and finding themselves at the starting line of a Final is nothing new.
Just look at Bloodlines.
Talk about waking up unsure of what the hell happened last night.
So, whatever, they’re here because sometimes that’s what happens on this show.
For his part, Steve had to win a million eliminations. Derek was gifted one final chance and he made the most of it.
Outside of Rachel and Jay (you just know the eating portion is going to involve whichever drink that was he didn’t drink back then, unless they’re deciding to save it if he ever gets another chance), this is about as perfect of a Final group as we could have gotten.
Loser: Playing For The Wrong Reasons
This is by far the most fascinating subplot we’ve had going into a Final Challenge…ever? Truly, has there ever been more at stake in a single Final from a Challenge History Book perspective?
It’s also something I didn’t once consider until Cara brought it up. Which I now realize makes me a total moron because, ya know, duh. That was sitting right there. There was just so much going on though! Bread and circuses! How am I supposed to pay attention when Jay is wearing sneakers to the pool?!
I will say though, that seems like a dangerous mindset to have. But maybe carrying the heavy weight of their history is what Cara needs. Laurel’s approval has been the carrot she’s been chasing after for most of her Challenge life, so why would Cara stop now?
As far as the idea she’s proposing goes, I mean, how can I argue? Especially if this Final plays out as just a bunch of Challenge Bullshit over a long period of time, then it sort of makes her case even stronger, right?
Rarely do we see these arbitrary Best Of All Time: Player A vs. Player B arguments play out in such a blatant, unrelentingly poetic way. Especially this transparently. Usually you don’t realize it’s happening until your equipped with a few years of hindsight. One winner, and as much as I love Leroy, they’ve gotta be the two favorites remaining.
Buckle up, fuckleheads.
Winner: High Society
Honestly, I don’t even wanna see stuff like this right now. I am way too broke to pay attention to this incredible spread of artisanal meats and cheeses. That’s probably the good shit too. South African bubbles, and I’m sure those bottles are local, even if they are just the cheap ones, are also crazy good (you’ll rarely see them on menus, but if you do, give it a shot, it’ll probably be a rose, but they pair really well with a fatty type meat like pork or lamb, or if you wanna get weird, buffalo wings or even fried food too would work) so these people really are living the high life.
Notes from home too? Or from somebody at least. Maybe Ryan or Averey? Or that production assistant who was late to work earlier? Probably Ryan. Either way, don’t tell Berna, because she’s going to start crying and making the whole thing about herself.
On second thought, can somebody get Berna in here?
Tell her everyone’s getting nice letters again!
Winner: This Show
The following statement is neither hyperbolic, nor ironic, rather is seeped in the truth, and is only to be sipped upon by those who accept it’s purity and utter absence of deception…
TJ Lavin wearing BluBlockers and driving a Winnebago full of my favorite people across Africa soundtracked to the song Africa is one of the top fifteen moments of my life.
Loser: Leroy The Homebody
You haven’t?!
Leroy, you gotta get out more.
Winner: Letting The Footage Speak For Itself A.K.A. Here’s A Bunch Of Fun Screenshots Of Them On The RV Trip
Winner: TJ Lavin, Living His Life A Quarter Mile At A Time
Winner: This Show
My heart is so full right now.
Winner: This Show (Part Two)
Talk about romance.
Winner: Actions Always Being Louder Than Words
For roughly one hundred and ninety one blog posts, over roughly three years of time, across fourteen and a half spin-off seasons, I’ve been strongly advocating for the Challenge Gods to fundamentally rework the idea of what a Final Challenge is.
This is a game and a show where one is required to utilize dozens of different human attributes and skills in order to succeed. To be a well rounded person is a bare-minimum towards success in this game. But when it comes to winning time, it almost always comes down to the remaining person who has the best endurance. Outside of obvious exceptions, this has been and always will be my biggest frustration with something I otherwise think is absolute perfection.
That’s sort of silly, right? Yet, that’s just how it is, and it’s not new, and what this show does has nothing to do with me, I am but one blowhard shouting his opinions into the void like anyone else, so I’m sure there are plenty of people who think the Final is the best episode. We don’t really matter though.
What’s important to understand is that anyone of these Challenge people who doesn’t train in that way is simply a person who’s not serious about winning.
Does it have to be that way though?
On Ride or Dies, TJ said something similar to this, and then they just did a whole bunch of running like they always do. So, if what he’s saying is true, and endurance becomes a small piece of the larger puzzle, rather than the end all be all, and that someone like Veronica genuinely can win this, we’re actually about to see something unique and that is incredible.
While it is true that this show has never met a great idea they didn’t want to turn into a good one, I have hope that for once, they’ll commit to the bit.
Think of it like this, if the Final proceeds in a way where it doesn’t ultimately come down a combination of luck and endurance, this opens the door for so many of your favorites to potentially come back. And come back and make an actual impact. I have to imagine that the idea of actually having to run forty five miles up an active volcano while covered in vomit over a three day period has caused some of the 40-something-year-olds out there to hesitate just enough to miss their opportunity.
But if that element is gone?
Not to say take it away forever, but make the idea of running a million miles and staying up for a week straight be something that might happen, rather than an inevitability.
Look at it this way, let’s say this leads to a world where Aneesa rattles off three straight wins. And does it with Johnny and CT and whoever else also there.
How does that shift the entire conversation around the show? Essentially, carving out this hypothetical “Anyone Who Can Do Challenge Bullshit At A High Level Can Win” door makes it so the cast list is also just a list of people who can potentially win this game.
Don’t you love Katie? Wouldn’t you also love if Katie could actually win? Not to call her out, but I think you catch my drift.
Jordan’s somewhat at a disadvantage because everyone understands that if he gets to a Final, a traditional Final, he’s by far the biggest threat. Okay, well, what is he now? Still a threat for sure, but this changes the way he’s able to move in the house. And the way he’s treated by everyone else.
I think. Who knows. I don’t mean to misrepresent my point. Endurance isn’t everything, but it is a requirement. Taking that requirement away, opening the floodgates towards power and winning and money and reputation and everything that makes these people tick within this crazy world they occupy, whatever would happen next is unpredictable.
Isn’t that better?
At the beginning of World Championships, Wes sat Zara down and gave her some of the most honest, real, cynical, helpful, depressing, and truthful Challenge advice that anyone has ever given to their partner…
How sad is that?
Wes is a guy that exemplifies all the intangibles necessary to be successful in this game and on this show. And yet here he is, coming from a place of understanding few have ever reached, accurately boiling this whole show down to one thing.
Imagine if long distance running, bicep curls, yoga…smarts, eating, swimming, social skills, etc, were all equally as important?
Because that’s the show we all watch for every single episode of every single season besides the last one. Imagine if the fourth quarter of the Super Bowl was only 50 yard field goals back and forth. No passing. No running. No blitzing. No disguising play calls. No mismatch hunting. No offensive or defensive linemen. Just the kicker and the holder from each team taking turns for fifteen minutes.
That totally fraught analogy aside, I haven’t been this fired up for something game specific on The Challenge in years.
I also very much look forward to next week’s twenty mile race across the South African wilderness where they do some puzzles, carry some heavy stuff, and eat some yucky foods along the way. Always exciting. Especially the parts where they run and talk about how hard they’ve worked to get here and how they won’t quit until TJ blows that horn.
Loser: Social Anxiety Leading To Armpit Sweat Except Your In The Florida Sun So You’re Already Sweating Everywhere So Really At This Point You’re A Human Lawn Sprinkler
The idea of getting into one of those two hour long lines for some ride at Disney World only to find Leroy standing behind me is making me breathe heavy while I’m just sitting down in my office.
How would one handle that situation? For two hours, I can either just stand there and stare at him like a maniac, or I could bring it up, but then things are even more awkward because now for him he’s stuck next to a creepy fan who knows more about his Challenge career than he does.
And this is why I will never go to Disney World.
Winner: Serendipity
Winner: Understanding Complex Challenge Nuances Thanks To Nicole Shouting The Explanation At Us
Ohhhhhhh, because before you said something I thought that every advantage in this game counted for nothing and that you wanted to give each other the advantages and that no one want to win.
Damn, I was way off huh?
Somewhere, Kaycee is sitting at home furious they didn’t call her in to say that. She would have knocked that nothingburger out of the fucking park.
Loser: Cara’s Grip On The Plot
Again, this might be the carrot she needs, but I promise you, she is the only one there thinking in this sort of way. Even if this is simply just the Lords of the Editing Bay showing Cara saying this thrice within ten minutes of episode time blatantly and for some yet to be determined reason.
Right, wrong, I don’t know yet. Just fascinating to see the grip that Laurel still has on this person, someone who’s achieved successes beyond what she cold have ever dreamed of being, who should have hypothetically shed this chip on her shoulder long ago.
This is what it sounds like, when doves cry…..
Loser: Zombie Apocalypse Games
Why’d they gotta do her dirty like that?
They could have just left that out. Sure, I didn’t need to turn it into a clip that plays over and over again, but if they didn’t keep that in the edit, then I wouldn’t have had an opportunity to do so. You can’t blame the egg for coming out of the chicken. Or blame the chicken for bouncing on the trampoline. One leads to another. It’s a system. It’s a cycle. Watch The Wire. You’ll get it.
Back to you in the studio, Al…
Winner: One Final Warning To Those Of You Living In New York City Who Still Haven’t Gotten Rid Of Your Candles
Your tax dollars pay for that phone call.
Winner: Bugs Bunny, Even He Needs To Feel Represented Sometimes
If she started chewing on a carrot in that moment I would not have known the difference.
Winner: Having A Physical Reaction To A Television Show You’re Watching At Home
While I’m sure the shocks were only around a 5-6/10 on the pain scale, that was actually the most chaotic, tense, insane thing I’ve ever seen on my TV screen.
Loser: Being A Tease
The End.
….
……
………
Uhhh…..what?
You used to do what?
And we’re just gonna throw that in there and then leave it like a stinky electrified turd in the middle of the carpet?
As if this were just another silly quirk like Jemmye being afraid of ketchup.
This information being volunteered in a cavalier way is, well, I don’t mean to do this, but it’s shocking. It’s a shocking thing to say about yourself and your upbringing.
Isn’t there like a limit to the amount of times you can be electrocuted? Should we have a Veronica’s Electrocutions scoreboard up somewhere like they did for Reggie Ray’s Concussions?
I’m just saying, Veronica’s a living legend, an institution, a foundational pillar within the massive Reality Television landscape. If we need to be worried about her, let’s actually get some electricity scientists on the phone and have that conversation.
Winner: When Two People You Know Have A Crush On Each Other Sneak Away At The House Party
Winner: The Rest Of The Group, Either Way
What TJ said, in concept, was we’re down to Laurel and Derek as to who will be the first of our heroes to become the dearly departed.
To everybody else there, he may as well have been Pavarotti belting out a stirring rendition of Ave Maria.
However the rest of this is going to go down, it’s more fun that a legitimate threat is going to be one of the first to go. Keeps things interesting. If Laurel goes first, defeated in a game that spanned less than twenty seconds, then to the rest of them, that means any one of them can be gone just as quickly. These people on edge during a Final is always more interesting than the everyone-in-it-together mentality.
What this Final might be lacking in unnecessary tests of endurance, it seems pretty clear that an upcoming abundance of #ChallengeBullshit will more than make up for the dead space.
It’s gonna be a bumpy ride next week. Embrace it. Send your previous expectations on a one way trip to the moon. Step in, save Kendal Roy from himself, and do all of the drugs before he can.
To yet again quote the great Tom Wambsgans, buckle up, fuckle heads.
Loser: The Other 99.999999% Of The Global Population
99.9999999999% of the global population looks at this and sees a group of ridiculous looking people.
Except 99.9999999999% of people are just plastic bags, floating through the wind, looking to start again.
99.9999999999% of people are so paper thin, like a house of cards, one blow from cavin’ in.
But for us? We don’t look at that picture at see a ridiculous looking group of people.
Because there’s a spark in us. And we just gotta ignite the light, and let it shine….
LIKE THE FOURTH OF JULY!!!
VIVA LA REAL WORLD!!!!!
Enjoy your weekend everybody! See you back here next week for the final All Stars 4 Recap (how depressing). Send your questions for Article 200 to fessyfitness200@gmail.com. And go enjoy yourselves this weekend. It’s only this day of your life one time! Until then, as always, Happy Challenge Watching!!!!
