The Challenge: All-Stars 3 Power Rankings — Week 4
Welcome to another fresh batch of Power Rankings! We said goodbye to two All-Stars stalwarts last week, and the game is really starting to heat up like a Memorial Day Weekend BBQ! Inside this edition: Kendal refuses to take Harvey Dent’s advice, Derrick speaks out for the Keebler Elves, Jonna gives Mark an ultimatum, and much much more…
25) Tyler (Eliminated)
24) Cynthia (E)
23) Laterrian (E)
22) Melinda (E)
21) Tina (E)
20) Jemmye (E)
19) Syrus (E)
18) Darrell (Last Week: 11)
Any time a first-ballot Hall of Famer exits the house, the rest of the game tends to mold around their absence. Whether that’s through alliances splintering and weakening or a “one less person to worry about” vibe starts permeating.
Despite finishing second on 100% of all All Stars seasons, it’s not as if Darrell’s been exactly dominant during his time back. And this time especially, it’s pretty clear that the wick-em-stances and the lick-em-stances were just too much for him.
17) Kendal (LW: 13)
She was a revelation during Season One, representing one of the pillars of why All Stars was such a cool idea in the first place. Now a certified stalwart, Kendal’s star has swiftly gotten swallowed up and deposited into the underbelly of the game.
It’s actually quite impressive how bad she is at the game part of this whole thing. The Challenge itself was never going to lay as dormant as it was on All Stars One. This is an unfair game, and one of the biggest mistakes people make over and over on this show, Kendal being the glaring example this season, is playing as if it were the opposite.
16) Beth (LW: A Hotel Somewhere In Panama)
In The Book of Basketball by Bill Simmons, he has a section about NBA Legend Moses Malone where he talks about celebrities who have “one gimmick, just that they had one ploy that brought them inordinate success”. He calls it The Buffer List, named after boxing ring announcer Michael Buffer. The “LETS GET READY TO RUMBALLLLL” guy. Yeah, you just said it out loud to yourself in your head just like I did while writing it.
I think it’s about time where I feel comfortable to induct Beth into Buffer List Hall of Fame.
Beth rolled up onto the beach in a dune buggy about seven minutes into an episode that was roughly forty-seven minutes long. Which means in her forty minutes of screen time she was said to take part in “ethically weird stuff”, came in last in a daily challenge, silenced an entire room by simply threatening to live with them, called out a past rival for having a threesome on television in 2003, then came out victorious in an elimination round.
What a legend.
15) Tenderoni (LW: 14)
I don’t really know what to make of Nehemiah this turn around the carousel.
Last season he came in with his foot on the gas pedel and played on the offensive for the first time in his career. And it was great! He talked about kids eating legacy and all sorts of crazy shit. For once I was all aboard the Nehemiah train. He was finally playing the game. Choo choo baby!
But he’s been relegated by the Challenge Gods to Captain Exposition status this season, which is never a good look. His confessionals have really only existed to explain what’s going on. He’s been shown saying things like “the game has changed” and all the other Challenge platitudes most of these people only say accidentally anyway.
But I can only surmise through what the Challenge deities choose to show me. So he’ll probably ending up winning the whole damn thing, because when it comes to a meticulously edited reality TV show, the truth is that we don’t know shit about fuck.
14) Veronica (LW: 17)
Last week in this space, I spewed a bunch of bullshit about how following her elimination round with Kendal being cancelled, she would just find herself right back in there.
Since then somebody she genuinely dislikes shows up, somebody who’s also not like by basically anyone who’s ever been casted in this game, then that person took out Kendal, the only tie she had left to being possibly there the first time.
The lesson, as always, I’m an idiot.
13) Kellyanne (LW: 12)
Kellyanne will almost certainly land in The Authority after at least one more daily challenge.
Kellyanne will almost certainly be a huge target for the rest of the girls to vote in now that Kendal is finished taking arrows to the back.
Whichever order or however often these two statements happen is up in the air. Kellyanne could win the whole thing. Kellyanne could be out of the game 47 minutes after Episode 5 airs. Her fate is almost entirely up to The Challenge Gods now.
12) Roni (LW: 15)
For anyone who’s been paying attention, the shoulder-lean is very clearly her to go move on the dance floor. Which I’m totally in on. When it comes to things like dancing, unless you’re actually good at it, it’s almost always best to subscribe to the Keep It Simple Stupid philosophy.
Some diversity would be nice though. I’m sure she’s got another move in her bag somewhere, we all have a back-up. Next time Roni’s holding her tequila-soda, I need to see her give me something fresh, otherwise I’m going to start to wonder if the shoulder move is all she’s got.
11) Wes (LW: 8)
Now I’ll preface this by making it known that I am just a civilian sitting at my desk in my apartment. I’ve never been on The Challenge. I honestly never would go on The Challenge.
But…if I were walking down the stairs at the end of last episode, the sirens from the ambulance carrying Darrell to a Panamanian medical center ringing in the distance, my natural fear of Jordan in an elimination round is cemented even further than it already was. I wouldn’t even want someone like that after me for any reason at all on the political side. I would leave him alone.
If you touch a hot stove more than once, you’re just an idiot.
That being said, even if Wes were to be voted in next week, and if he were to end up on the winning side in an impressive way, I don’t think I could ever quite reach that feeling of a hot stove with him. And I’m an idiot, who touches hot stoves at least three times, so if I’m thinking that way, then there’s a less than zero chance the rest of these super wily veterans aren’t at the same level.
This spells trouble for Wes, the next obvious “let’s just get rid of this guy” candidate left in the house. His buddy Brad winning like every single thing this season has helped him immensely. The votes, so far, have been cordial enough to save people that are asked to be saved. Voting with manners will not exist in perpetuity, so before long, Wes’s ticket is going to get called. Could be as soon as this week.
10) Derrick (LW: 10)
This is what the Keebler Elves have to say to Toucan Sam and Tony The Tiger once every eighteen months.
9) Nia (LW: 16)
One of the best parts about being a fan of The Challenge is the structure of the show is set up in a way that the longer you watch, the more time you invest, the better the show gets.
Time’s a flat circle everywhere but The Challenge house. Because in The Challenge house it’s a straight fucking line.
Seeing Jordan and Nia hook up (let’s all also take a minute to be honest with ourselves and acknowledge that there is zero percent chance that’s the first coital experience the two of them have shared) was fun to watch for those of us that have just started watching The Challenge recently. It was pretty strange to watch for those of us who have been watching The Challenge for awhile.
But for those of us who have been actively watching since The Real World: Portland aired, that scene was so much more than an interesting hook up between two super hot people on reality TV. That was the culmination of a story only this show is capable of telling. The story of two people who started this when they were young and dumb, and can then go on to do it again a decade later.
But it’s also something that’s a payoff for those weirdos out there who care just a smidge too much about this stuff. That tiny bit of under the covers humping was for us. Like a pizza party at work. It’s the least they could do.
8) Spring Break King of the Ring, Panama City Beach, 1999 — Mark Long (LW: 8)
All Stars would not exist without Spring Break King of the Ring, Panama City Beach, 1999 Mark Long. Period.
His life has been merely a series of events and happenings that shaped him into the person that had the ability to create All Stars. It’s his Rosebud. And Challenge fans should be eternally grateful for him spawning this incredible spin-off that EVERYONE loves.
But we’re not the only people that should be grateful. The cast should be even more grateful. He created this portal for people who were famous in only the way the people from The Real World and Road Rules back then could be famous, to enter a world that they had a hand in building. Even if it were just a single brick, no one who has appeared on any of the three All Stars seasons hasn’t contributed something to this incredible television show that has given anyone paying attention a lifetime’s worth of satisfaction.
Not to mention the fact that in some partial way, the trio of Yes, Jonna, and MJ are quite a few zero’s in the checking account richer thanks to him.
Even voting him into elimination earlier this season seemed like an outcome that almost happened on accident. Like it was easier for them all to just vote him in because the shock of it actually happening would ideally mask any one of the six that voted for him from standing out. And it worked, for the most part.
But it won’t happen again. At least not this time around. Icky feelings after a vote is nothing new for The Challenge, but that time felt different.
I’m not sure what any of this has to do with last week’s episode, but here we are. We’re too far gone to ever turn back.
7) Sylvia (LW: 7)
6) Yes (LW: 3)
You can’t be the math guy and lose in a math challenge. You just simply cannot let that happen. I know he said “doesn’t mean I’m gonna win” but that’s a bunch of bologna.
Yes lost to Derrick, who would almost definitely agree with me that he’s under no pretenses a math guy. And I cannot imagine that Spring Break King of the Ring, Panama City Beach, 1999 — Mark Long, while a bonafide American Success Story in his own right, would out score Yes on an Algebra 2 test.
If you’re the math person, you’re the math person. Period.
Who am I kidding I am so bad at Math, Yes is like a hundred times smarter than I am, I’m just overcompensating for my own insecurities by dropping his ranking and giving him shit. I don’t have to take my socks off to count to 20 or anything, but when I see a bunch of numbers together and you give me the task of making sense of them, I got two words for ya…good luck.
5) Kailah (LW: 6)
Wait a minute, hold the phone. Maybe I just haven’t been paying any attention this season (that Temple Run High Score isn’t gonna set itself!), but Kailah’s younger than everyone? Really?
God the things you don’t notice when you’re staring down at your phone. Life just freakin’ passes you by don’t it.
4) Brad (LW: 5)
Let’s play the Read Their Challenge Wiki Game with Brad, just for funzies. We’re going to be here for awhile, so pour a glass of wine, relax, and enjoy the ride…
Season 1 — Battle of the Sexes 2: Was sent home two rounds before the end simply due to the fact that he was a rookie. Not a ton he could do there.
Season 2 — Inferno II: Was the last guy eliminated from the winning team after he lost to psycho Abram at his psycho apex in the first ever (?) Balls In. Not a ton he could do there.
Season 3 — The Gauntlet 2: Taken out roughly two thirds of the way through the game by spitfire Derrick in a physical elimination at Derrick’s spitfire apex. Not a ton he could do there.
Season 4 — The Duel: Lost by mere seconds in the Final because Wes was better at soccer than he was. Not a ton he could do there.
Season 5 — The Gauntlet 3: Lost a Final his team could have won if they merely walked it because Big Easy spent the season crushing beers. Not a ton he could do there.
Season 6 — The Duel II: Came in second in the Final to Evan, who was simply the better man that day. Not a ton he could do there.
Season 7 — The Ruins: Had a few too many cocktails towards the end of a season where he helplessly watched his team be rendered obsolete by the Death Star that was the Champions team, and decided to pick a fight with Darrell. It didn’t work out great for him. Going home was on him this time, but looking at the season overall, not a ton her could do there.
Season 8 — Cutthroat: Finally got his long awaited championship, but between hiding behind the Brandon/Camila shield for awhile, and dealing with his then fiance Tori who wasn’t…super chill…it didn’t look like he was having any fun at all. He got to be the winner of The Challenge, something he was always able to smell but never taste, but I never got the sense that he was enjoying the ride whatsoever.
Season 9 — Vendettas: After shaking the monkey off his back, Brad disappeared from The Challenge Universe for awhile, broke free from the shackles of domesticity, and returned to the game like he never ever left. He made it all the way to the last elimination, before an equipment malfunction sealed his fate and sent him home.
Season 10 — Final Reckoning: Back again the season following Vendettas, the Challenge Gods gifted Brad with Kyle as a partner forming the top physical duo overall. But Final Reckoning had a lot going on, to put it lightly. And Brad’s minimal baggage + Kyle’s massive baggage + Classic Challenge Bullshit = a rocky road indeed.
He then returned for All Stars Season 2, managed to get partnered with Jodi, easily the top dog of women’s field, and proceeded to lose in the elimination directly preceding the Final because of course he did.
Tiger doesn’t change it’s stripes.
The moral of the story? It sure seems like Brad showed up this season as the leader of the Not Fuckin Around Entourage, and has been a one man wrecking crew in every single daily challenge so far. But it’s clear that just mere episodes from now, it’s all going to crumble into a million tangram-shaped pieces and he’s going to be sent home in a semi-frustrating and unceremonious way.
3) MJ (LW: 2)
The other night I was sitting out on my back porch reading. It was a fairly quiet night, hot air with a cool breeze engulfing me. I was balls-deep into my book, completely forgetting my surroundings. Then suddenly I swear I heard that “ah-hah!” come from far away. It was unmistakable. It shook me to my core. I ran inside, got under the covers, and haven’t left the house since then.
That was last Thursday, and I’m down to one can of beans. Wish me luck.
2) Jonna (LW: 1)
Mark, if you used MJ’s shampoo you can just be honest with me. If you admit it now, I won’t be upset. But if you lie to me, and I walk away to go order MJ another beer, and then I later find out the truth, there will be consequences. There are obviously cameras everywhere and production already told me they’d let me know the truth as soon as this is all over. So unless you want that smoke during the reunion, it’s better if you just fess up now.
1) Jordan (LW: 4)
Welp, I guess we can all stop pretending now.
I mean, really, what are we even talking about anymore? Jordan’s amazing. His showmanship, his ingenuity, his other-worldly natural athleticism supplemented with a ton of obvious hard work. He might not have CT’s superpowers or Johnny’s overwhelming resume, but I bet even the two of them, in their most honest moments, would entirely agree with my awe and astonishment (Awe and Astonishment, new band name I call it) of what Jordan’s able to accomplish on this show.
I know at the time it was sort of Tori’s duty to hype up her man, but she summed it up more succinctly than I ever could during one of her confessionals on War of the Worlds 2…
Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed it! See you later this week for my Episode 5 Winners & Losers! And as always, Happy Challenge Watching!!!