Welcome back to another edition of Power Rankings! Summers almost here and were already a third of the way to the Final! Life comes at you fast. Inside this week: TJ loses a friend, we dissect a mediocre pop song from the early 90s, Yes turns down Brad’s offer, and much much more…
24) Tyler (Eliminated)
23) Cynthia (E)
22) Laterrian (E)
21) Melinda (E)
20) Tina (Last Week: 6)
The most disappointed person in the entire world about her medical maladies forcing her out of the game, more disappointed than even Tina herself, is TJ Lavin.
He lost a buddy that day.
19) Jemmye (LW: 20)
Anybody who shows up on Day One deserves to at the bare minimum be taken out in a cookies and milk contest in the Inferno or something like that.
But nothing is less important than The Challenge when The Real World pops up. And for Jemmye I’m sure it’s not goodbye, it’s I’ll see ya soon.
18) Syrus (LW: 8)
Since the moment The Real World: Boston appeared on cable television, there haven’t been a ton of people in the world cooler than Syrus. He’s been cool across decades, and is only getting cooler.
The thing is, the second you even attempted to be as cool as him, you’d already have failed. Because there’s nothing less cool than trying.
A true All Star in every sense of the definition, so for one last time this go-around, shout out to The Challenge Drench God.
17) Veronica (LW: 17)
Wanna make the Challenge Gods laugh? Tell them your plans.
On one side of the see-saw, Veronica was bailed out from finishing last with her elimination that she almost would have assuredly lost to Kendal being cancelled. Big win any time that happens and you live to play another day.
On the ground level side of that see-saw? The reason the elimination got cancelled in the first place is that her #1 and #2, Jemmye and Tina, two pillars of Veronica’s foundation for survival until the Final, leaving for reasons beyond the boundaries of the game.
It’s only a matter of time until this all catches up to her.
16) Nia (LW: 18)
Has there ever been an actual Hurricane Nia? Like a real life one with the wind and the rain and all that? Has a Nia ever played for the Carolina Hurricanes? Or the Miami Hurricanes?
Googling ‘Hurrican Nia’ brings up a bunch of results about the Hurrican Nia. That is until you get to something about a NIA Code. That is something the Federal Procurement Data System (seems convoluted, but your guess is as good as mine) uses that is “intended to track contract actions issued in response to the disaster”
Googling ‘Carolina Hurricanes Nia’ brings up a few social media pages of people named Nia who are apparently fans of the Carolina Hurricanes and North Carolina sports in general. A similar result occurs with the search for ‘Miami Hurricanes Nia’
In 1991, an artist named Nia Peeples recorded a song called “Hurricane”. Sadly, not a cover of the Bob Dylan song. But rather it’s a record about a gentleman that Nia Peeples is dating or has dated in the past that is apparently a legendary lay. Him and his large penis are compared to multiple major nature based disasters. Also included are various descriptions of physical pain she’s in in the aftermath.
I rate it 3 out of 5 BMX Bikes.
But alas it sadly doesn’t seem that an actual hurricane has ever been named Nia. Similar to how there’s never been a killer robot sent from the future named Camila.
Someone should organize a petition or whatever we’d have to do. Not me, though. The farmers market opens in a few hours and that’s obviously gonna soak up my entire afternoon. I’m booked and I’m busy. So yeah, somebody else, chop chop. Get to work.
15) Roni (LW: 19)
As I pointed out in my Episode 3 recap, Roni gave Nia the ride of her life during the grab a ball in the mud challenge from last week. She rendered her inert as an obstacle and banished her to the shadow realm like in Stranger Things or whatever it’s called, I don’t know I don’t watch that show.
But on a rewatch I totally missed her giving the Jonna the Now-ya-see-me-now-ya-don’t Chris Berman WHOOP! on the very next possesion. Which begs the obvious question…
Roni or Fessy in a Hall Brawl? Tweet @fessyfitness with A for Roni and B for Fessy. He’s dying to know he told me when we watched the episode together.
14) Nehemiah (LW: 17)
It’s funny, my friends and I have the exact same philosophy for the first 72 hours after we stick up convenience stores.
13) Kendal (LW: 14)
Any reason is the best reason to be voted into elimination.
The true best reason though might be whatever this mystery replacement player we found out on the “Next Week On” is coming up against. There is no bigger sin than arriving late to the game. Alliances are set, deals have been made, and it’s just easier for everybody to throw a vote that persons way. It’s Free Parking in Monopoly.
But maybe second on the list, a tried-and-true-will-always-exist-Capital-R-Reason to be voted into elimination is having been voted in before. So despite catching the break of TJ’s cancellation, it’s only a matter of time until she’s back in there yet again.
12) Kellyanne (LW: 9)
Having Kendal around is great for Kellyanne. They’re friends, they can do yoga together, and best of all, apparently for the third season in a row, for seemingly no reason anyone there can properly articulate, everybody hates Kendal! That means Kellyanne can just hang out and float until the Final where she’s got as good a shot as anybody.
What a deal!
11) Darrell (LW: 10)
Here’s the thing about this cast, you can close your eyes tight enough and envision 16/17 of the remaining players (sorry Veronica) that could be crowned champions at the end of this.
Which means that someone like Darrell has almost no incentive to make his presence felt. To even bother playing the game. He has enough internal faith in his abilities, that real-ass true confidence unlike so many of his peers, that he can read the room and understand that whether his ticket gets pulled or not, he’s going to have a difficult task ahead of him. The lay-up card was out the window the minute they all set foot in Panama.
So I’d imagine that he’s exactly where he wants to be right now.
10) Derrick (LW: 15)
So there was this kid who was a freshman when I was a senior that everyone apparently called ‘Treehouse’.
I knew a few of the older brothers of his friends, so I’d see him around. At my high school grades were just a mere number, so I’d see him around town at various garage-based functions and forest parties. The thing is, I honestly don’t even know what his real name is.
Apparently, he got the nickname Treehouse because a few of his friends caught him….enjoying some alone time….in the treehouse in his backyard at some point during their lives.
I always thought the nickname was a bit crass, and instead of just leaning into it, which would have killed the joke forever, I could tell he was always made uncomfortable. But I am just a mere soul doing their best to float through the tidal wave of life, ya know? I don’t know if he watches this show (he totally should this show rules), but if he does, this season’s gotta be tough for him to watch so far.
9) Spring Break King of the Ring, Panama City Beach, 1999 — Mark Long (LW: 7)
We all have environments we thrive in. Get me on the court and I’m trouble. Give Michelangelo sixteen different chapels and marvel at what he does with them. Give Michelle Carter a cell phone and Season 5 of Glee on DVD and watch her go to work.
There’s something comforting watching Spring Break King of the Ring, Panama City Beach, 1999 Mark Long be back in an environment that he was absolutely put on this earth to exist within. So many people come on this show with forced personalities to make themselves comfortable while being slowly swallowed by this hyper version of manufactured reality.
But within his element, Spring Break King of the Ring, Panama City Beach, 1999 Mark Long is pure Zen. He’s Challenge ASMR. He’s you, on a beach, cool breeze tickling you from the left, Logan and Joss playing sand volleyball in tight blue jeans a few yards to your right, with one of those giant margaritas with the Corona in it upside sitting ice cold next to you ready to be sipped slowly.
8) Wes (LW: 5)
Wes definitely seems like the order the most expensive thing on the menu to make you earn it type. I don’t envision Yes and Wes getting beyond the first date, but I do think they’d make some cute babies together.
7) Sylvia (LW: 11)
Yes has a comfortable lead as far as hats go this season, but if he’s not careful, Sylvia’s might fuck around and come from behind and take his crown.
6) Kailah (LW: 12)
What, you’ve never seen Austin Powers?
5) Brad (LW: 13)
I have some thoughts…
1) What was so special about those glasses?
2) Who originally had those glasses?
3) Why did Derrick assume they were Brad’s?
4) If they weren’t Brad’s, then who did he take them from?
5) Where did he bury the body?
6) Why would Brad murder someone just for some sunglasses?
7) Why did Derrick react the way that he did when he put them on?
8) Do they make you see into a different dimension?
If you have any information pertaining to any of those inquires, please tweet @fessyfitness as soon as possible. Thank you in advance for your living up to your civic duty in aiding with this investigation.
4) Jordan (LW: 4)
As I ascended the escalator from the smelly depths of the Clark and Lake Blue Line train platform into a gorgeous Summertime Chicago day, a group of youths appeared on the escalator heading downwards adjacent to me.
Now normally when I see a group of youths I cower like Liz Lemon, but this time, something else caught my eye.
There were about six of them. Confident in that way only a group of teenage boys can be. Like there’s truly nothing that can stop them from doing anything they want. One of them draped in a red Michael Jordan Bulls jersey and was eagerly showing something on his phone to the youth beside him.
Now normally, the Bulls jersey alone out in the wild like this would catch my eye, but it wasn’t the swag that made me freeze. Nope, it was his fresh Hot-Boy-Summer haircut. And you know what it was?
It was the exact same haircut as Jordan Sunshine on My God Damn Shoulders Wiseley.
I even thought about taking a picture for this article, but then I realized how fucking weird that was so I obviously kept my phone in my pocket.
Now I’ve wasted a lot of readers time this season making bad jokes about Jordan’s hair while simultaneously going on a pseudo-hunger strike against saying anything interesting about one of the most interesting people in the house.
That dies today.
If that seemingly cool Chicago teenager can choose to sport that look for the kick off to his 2022 Hot Boy Chi Summer, then all that moment in time represented was another reminder of how washed I truly am.
3) Yes (LW: 3)
I’m sorry Brad, but I don’t really have a ton of interest in funding a series of mobile shaved ice machines you can order to your house across the northern Chicago suburbs through an app on your phone. Keep marinating on some stuff though and get back to me at the next costume party. Remember, no bad ideas in a brain storm.
2) MJ (LW: 2)
The Challenge is not a sport.
If any sport attempted to get away with what The Challenge Gods get away with on a regular basis, there would be congressional hearings about it. I don’t mean to say this in a pejorative way, it’s just the truth. There are no referee’s, there is no governing body. The Challenge is a one-of-one unique competition game show.
But, that’s not to say that there aren’t a myriad of elements of sports happening at all times. This includes, but is not limited to, the idea of a championship hangover.
Repeating as a winner on The Challenge is an incredibly difficult feat to accomplish. This comes down to so many factors, but just like in any other sport, it’s just harder to reach the level of focus, acumen, and sheer want-to that it takes to reach the top of the mountain just once. But doing it again? That’s even harder.
MJ is feeling those effects. He was able to fend off an extremely game Syrus, but between his beat up knee and bad luck situations like Kendal indecisively choosing him for the sabotage for seemingly no reason at all, MJ’s feeling the wrath of defending his title from a handful of eager and capable All Stars nipping at his heels.
1) Jonna (LW: 1)
The eyeroll has been Jonna’s weapon of choice since the minute she stepped into The Challenge world. Jasmine caught a few, Camila caught a few, Zach caught a few. The list of luminaries she’s cut down with a roll of her eyeballs over the years is as impressive as it is lengthy.
Kendal got wishy washy with the votes and found herself the target of what I think is the first rocket Jonna’s shot out since All Stars started.
This probably means nothing, but I needed something else to say besides how happy I was that she used the word “pensive” when talking to MJ by the pool.
Not my strongest ending, was it? Wait a second. Hold on…wait for it…
Thanks for reading!!! See ya soon for Episode 4! And until then, as always, Happy Challenge Watching!!!