The Challenge All Stars 3 Power Rankings — Week 2

Welcome to a fresh batch of Power Rankings! With a full two episodes to digest over the weekend, there’s a ton to parse through, so let’s get this show on the road! Inside this week: Kailah makes me feel bad, Darrell stirs up buried memories, MJ hears about free tacos, and much much more…

24) Tyler (Last Week: 22)

Lady luck is a fickle bitch from which there is no escape when she swings away from you in the opposite direction. Maybe All-Stars just isn’t Tyler’s jawn. Good night, sweet Tundra. I’m sure we’ll be seeing you soon.

23) Cynthia (LW: 21)

One of the things that happens when you’re newly old and washed like me, and you’ll all get there someday, is that pretty much your entire day is spent being constantly reminded of just how old and washed you truly are.

Had that extra Bloody Mary at brunch? Good luck Monday morning. Lollapalooza lineup gets released? Good luck knowing any artist beyond the first line. Play a few games of pick up basketball in the morning? Good luck with walking the rest of your afternoon.

So when I’m watching a show where being old and washed is kind of the point, yet another reminder that someone born in 1998 is potentially graduating college right now is just not what I needed to feel better about myself.

22) Laterrian (LW: 16)

21) Melinda (LW: 10)

Truly the worst part about them going home, the thing that eats at me the most, by far more than anything else, is that I don’t get to make any more Save the Palace jokes in this article for the next eight weeks.

I had plans to squeeze every sliver of juice out of that lime, and now I’m stuck actually having to be creative and come up with interesting things to say.

I mean I personally think it’s bullshit that they would put me in this position, and I feel as though maybe TJ should re-think the whole “sending them home” portion of the proceedings. But the important lesson here is that life’s tough, get a helmet.

20) Jemmye (LW: 24)

19) Roni (LW: 21)

In real life, no one talking politics with me is one of my goals every time I leave the house and have to unfortunately interact with people. There is no conversation topic in the world less interesting and more boring to me than politics.

But if you’re in The Challenge house, it’s the total opposite.

18) Nia (LW: 18)

Enough of this maturity and personal growth bullshit. Go attack somebody with a blow dryer already.

No? Just me? Okay, I’ll see myself out.

17) Nehemiah (LW: 9)

Now that the Palace has quickly crumbled around him, I feel like one of those “can’t get the guy we want out, so let’s go for his buddy” type of situations is teetering at the peak of the mountain, and Nehemiah’s staring up at it hoping nobody makes a big of enough fuss to cause an avalanche.

Losing Melinda strangely helps his game, as the “Austin Kids” can no longer be looked at as a group looming large over the house. But Wes walked into the house and his dick had already been there for ten minutes this season and sometimes being the asshole’s best friend is worse than being the asshole himself.

Doing the first two All Stars will most likely give him a strong enough foundation, but any reason is the best reason to get voted in, and he’s unfortunately got a capital R Reason hanging over him until you know who eventually implodes on himself like a dying star.

16) Veronica (LW: 17)

Seeing Veronica feel as though she didn’t have enough political heft to even pretend to try and save Tina on that first episode was a bit strange. Veronica must feel as though she’s playing on her heels this season, otherwise what gives?

Maybe it was the smart play, and on paper it definitely was. But you have to at least try, right? If I were one of the other five people sitting in that dope spot overlooking the water during episode one’s deliberation, and I saw how the low the level of fervor coming from Veronica was to help a friend, and she came to me later on with a potential deal…I mean, would you trust it?

This is probably (definitely) me overthinking it, and it most likely won’t come back around on her, but it’s something to keep in your back pocket for later.

15) Derrick (LW: 12)

Do you guys think Derrick’s jealous of Tina and Melinda yet again showing up the pole wrestle between him and Joss.

I mean between that one and the Bananas Backpack, the two greatest elimination rounds ever were thought to be set it stone. But ever since Melinda vs. Tina round one last season, and now the vicious, bloody rematch from episode two, the general chatter on the Twitters and the what nots is that Derrick/Joss has been essentially forgotten completely.

Gotta be gnawing at him.

14) Kendal (LW: 7)

Minus ten points from Gryffindor for Kendal wearing a Kristaps Porzingis costume to a jungle themed party.

As far as I know there are no jungles in Latvia.

13) Brad (LW: 11)

I wonder what it’s like to have all of that swinging from your face all day. He is most certainly pulling it off. It just seems like a lot to be clinging to your face all day.

Maybe he got a crude version Emanuel’s Donnie-Darko-spider-rabbit-demon neck tattoo one night after enjoying a few too many glasses of red wine while watching Spies, Lies, and Allies and is embarrassed about it. Maybe he broke his razor and just never got around to replacing it. Maybe he’s under that same curse that Tim Allen from The Santa Claus is under and he just methodically dyes his beard three times a day to keep it from turning white.

Maybe I should just shut up and keep it moving.

12) Kailah (LW: 15)

Yeah, but what if we tried our best?

Yeah but it was always more of a moral victory anyway. Have some nuance Kailah…

I see.

Well, in that case I’ll just go fuck myself.

11) Sylvia (LW: 13)

I’m like 99% positive that this is an early Wiz Khalifa lyric, but there’s really no way to be sure. I guess I could just listen to some early Wiz Khalifa and fact-check but then I’d have to listen to Wiz Khalifa and I’m no longer 20 years old so I don’t have a ton of interest in doing something like that.

Oh well, I guess we’ll never know then. Sorry to disappoint.

10) Darrell (LW: 5)

When I was younger, my parents took me to the carnival that would roll through our home town every 4th of July weekend. The carnies would arrive, poorly assemble the rides, and siphon money from the community five dollars at a time through various carnival games while dangling the opportunity to win a stuffed animal in front of us like a mother distracting her small child in the backseat with a set of keys.

One of the rides was shaped like a scary lime green dragon, called the Dragon Wagon, and it went around in circles a few times on a set of tracks and at one point went up and down a hill that was roughly five (if that) feet high. It was noisy and colorful and definitely the closest I had ever gotten to a roller coaster.

As soon as the gentleman with the spider web tattoo on his neck blew the business end of a cigarette drag in my face and locked me into the seat I knew it was a bad idea. It wasn’t ninety seconds into the ride before I started screaming like a lunatic. I wanted nothing to do with The Dragon Wagon that day. They eventually had to stop the ride and pull me off and bring me to the safe haven of my mothers arms. She carried me back home crying the entire way.

I was 29 years old.

9) Kellyanne (LW: 6)

Kellyanne definitely volunteers to be the banker when she plays Monopoly with all of her dogs.

8) Syrus (LW: 23)

The song Too Much Jewelry by Migos is one of my favorite songs ever put to wax in any genre or style or whatever. I listen to it when I’m bummed out, and almost immediately I’m dancing. Like a Pavlov’s Dogs type situation. It’s got anything and everything you could want from a song.

I have no clue why Syrus makes me think of it. Seriously none. Must be one of those random mythical forces that nobody’s ever been able to explain like gravity or why the Earth’s flat or why Big Mac’s are super small now. Some things in the universe just happen.

7) Spring Break King of the Ring, Panama City Beach, 1999 — Mark Long (LW: 14)

I’d be willing to pay upwards of $24.99 plus shipping for one of those Spring Break King of the Ring, Panama City Beach, 1999 Mark Long Duel II pillows.

Anything over that amount though and it’s gonna be a hard pass from me. I’m ballin’ on a budget these days.

6) Tina (LW: 19)

How many stars do you have on your shirt? I bet you don’t have any stars on your shirt. I don’t have any stars on my shirt. But Tina? Tina has three stars on her shirt. Three.

I know. I’ve spent all weekend thinking about how crazy it is too. Good thing we have things like the potential collapse of the global economy, a mental health crisis slowly debilitating an entire generation of people, rapidly increasing income inequality and all that other silly shit to keep us distracted. Otherwise I’d probably start to feel bad about myself.

5) Wes (LW: 8)

The editors are treating Wes the way the wizarding community treated Voldemort throughout the first three books. Except that instead of feeling uncomfortable even saying his name out loud, he’s all anyone can even talk about.

Just one more shot of him running shirtless on a treadmill and I’ll start to think that Wormtail is scurrying around somewhere ready to help his master in any way he can.

4) Jordan (LW: 4)

I don’t really have to say anything about Jordan anymore because every terrified guy in the house is scurrying around saying it all for me while he just laughs, soaks in the fear, and basks in the smell of his own shit. All while having easily the worst haircut there.

3) Yes (LW: 3)

You know one of the biggest reasons that Wes is going after Yes? Truly? It’s because he’s afraid of him. It’s because he knows that Yes is legitimate obstacle to him becoming 250,000 dollars richer.

There’s no point in playing any kind of game with Jordan, it’s simply not going to work. Same goes for Darrell or any of the other guys that know Wes well enough to leave it all alone.

But Yes and Wes (wow that’s either the best name for a cop show on NBC or the most annoying thing I’m going to type this season) are so fundamentally different in the way that they approach both the game (and probably life, tbh) that they cannot help but clash. Even landing somewhere soft like frenemies (as most rivalries tend to eventually do in this game) is going to be incredibly difficult for them.

Yes played a game in All Stars 1 where nobody got muddy because there was no pig scampering around to bother wrestling around with. They spent most of their time in the barn drinking Uncle Ed’s freshest batch of moonshine.

But the Festival Blue Ribbon pig is in the house now, a legendary pig that Yes has assuredly heard legends of, but was yet to see in person. And that red headed pig is oinking it’s little heart out and wafting scents of bacon his way in attempts to seduce Yes into rolling around in the mud with him. To hop into his slippery domain and dirty up his brand new hat.

And from everything we’ve seen so far, it’s working.

2) MJ (LW: 2)

“MJ, they have free tacos over at the other end of the bar.”

“FREE TACOS?!?!?!”

1) Jonna (LW: 1)

I’ve talked a lot about post-title Jonna and how both she would act and the house would treat her. The combination of the slightly weaker women’s field and the amount of tentacles he has all over the house from her high level of success during the first two iterations of All Stars has Ayiiia with three I’s former Real World: Cancun roommate sitting better than anyone else.

Thanks for reading! Be sure to check back on Thursday for some fresh Winners & Losers! And as always, Happy Challenge Watching!!!