Welcome back to Winners & Losers! Three seasons of built up animosity led right into a nail biting cliff hanger, and I’m here to break it all down. Inside this edition: We ponder what it would be like to be God, we learn what Jonna’s favorite Disney movie is, Ben Zobrist makes millions of dreams come true, and much much more…
Let’s do what now?
Loser: Deity Duties
Imagine being God, watching The Real World Portland at the end of a long Wednesday full of omnipresent duties and whatnot, having some chips and guac, and finally relaxing. A ping in your prayer inbox (that you swore to yourself, as usual, you were going to ignore) comes from none other than Hurricane Nia, who you just watched assault a roommate with a hair dryer, validating every reason you watch the show in the first place. And in that prayer, she asks you to bring death upon Jordan.
Being God must be so strange sometimes.
I would pay upwards of three hundred and fifty dollars to get baked with Nehemiah and have him help me discover my ‘Why’.
Winner: Swimming Alone In An Infinity Pool In Panama
I would pay upwards of three hundred and fifty dollars to get baked with Nehemiah and swim in the rain in an infinity pool in Panama with him.
Loser: The Slow Encroachment Towards the Finish Line
One of the worst parts of any season of The Challenge that is impossible to fix, is the attitude of the house when they’re this close to the end.
It’s a plague that infests every season (at least the modern ones), derailing all the momentum. All they wanna do now is work out. That’s it. Nobody’s wearing silly costumes, nobody’s laughing at the lunch table. They’re just doing cross fit and running.
And I get it. They might have to do a whole bunch of cross fit and running for a whole bunch of money real soon. I’d be doing the same. But for the viewers at home, we just have to settle in and realize that the costumes are back in the trunk for now.
Winner: That Dog
Do they have a house dog? Was there a dog in the house the entire time and they just edited around it? Did Kellyanne sneak the pooch home after a night out at the bar? Are there just stray dogs roaming around their property? What is a horseshoe? What does a horseshoe do? Are there horse socks? Is anybody even listening to me?
Winner: The Illuminati
Is it a coincidence that Veronica got a question about a foot doctor, and then was sent to go see a foot doctor? Of course it isn’t. It’s all a conspiracy. TJ Lavin owns a string of foot doctor’s offices across the country of Panama. It’s true. Look it up. Follow the money. Who profits? Veronica goes home, but sees a doctor along the way. We never saw her fall down the stairs. Paramount has buried the footage. Show the tapes! SHOW THE TAPES! Is Veronica in on it too? Was that even her girlfriend she FaceTimed last week? Or was that her business partner. Better yet, was that the foot doctor?! Veronica claims she doesn’t even like pizza, and yet she “hurt her foot” “going to get pizza” that she “doesn’t even like”? What’s that smell? Is it bullshit?
Keep your third eye open people.
Winner: Challenge People
The Top Three Groups of People Who Have Spent The Most Time In Helicopters
1) Helicopter Pilots
2) People in the Military
3) Challenge People
If you can think of another group of people who have spent more time in helicopters than these people, go ahead and tweet @fessyfitness and he’ll report back to me.
Loser: Out-Dated Resumes
Well, Kellyanne, as we just discussed above, you already kind of do.
Btw, that sweater is so swaggy. I kinda want one for myself? Question mark?
Loser: Having To Actually Run a Final
Probably smells like sweat and shattered dreams.
Winner: Lil’ Mama
Loser: Wearing a Hoodie Under a Blazer
Careful with that look, Derrick. That last guy who sported it on reality television was Clayton on the last season of The Bachelor and he was as bad at being The Bachelor as Beth is at making friends.
Not exactly the company you want to keep.
Winner: Apparently The Pungent Aroma The Final Emits
What the hell is going on?
Winner: Wes Being Wes
Must be nice.
Winner: Jonna’s Favorite Disney Movie
Last week she name-dropped The Lion King and this week she uses Simba’s famous catchphrase to describe her turn in today’s challenge.
It’s becoming very obvious which Disney Movie is her favorite.
Loser: Flying Scheduled
Ugh, same. Honestly.
Winner: High School Football
Hell fucking yeah I do, Coach! *slams head into the wall*
Winner: Writing Your Own History
Look, I’m not saying that this is bullshit. Maybe this is true. Maybe he is purposely not winning anything as a strategy. Maybe it’s his decision that he is not winning, rather than him actively not winning.
All I’m saying is that it’s very easy to say that losing was a choice rather than a result after a season full of losing. That’s all I’m saying. I’m not saying, I’m just saying.
A good thing to note, TJ Lavin does not like hugs. Wonder which he likes less, hugs or quitters?
I don’t think there has ever been a person more entertaining while making mistakes than Kellyanne. When the “I made a mistake” portion of her brain lights up, her entire body emotes. Every fiber of every muscle makes some sort of move. Usually not all in concert with one another.
I could watch her screw up all day.
Loser: The Edge of the Frame
What the hell were they all pointing at?
What is a bug? Was it new art on the wall? Did Beth come back?
If anybody knows the answer, tweet us @fessyfitness and help out.
I would pay upwards of three hundred and fifty dollars to talk Challenge Philosophy with Nehemiah.
Right there he vocalized one of the many philosophical dilmma any prospective Challenger faces.
In a game where every variable (who’s in the house, who wins what and when, everything you’ve done in the past, what are the parameters of the game, etc.) matters equally, and the equation can change at any moment, what is the best way to play?
Is it to be like Wes, and grab the bull by the horns and attempt to steer it? Or is it to be like Nehemiah, and ride the wave until you capsize?
Both approaches have had varying levels of success, and it’s a conundrum that every serious Challenger has laid in bed question many times I’m sure.
As a going-away present when I quit my last job, one of my gifts was a beautiful glass whiskey decanter. And I’ll tell ya what, maybe this is a placebo effect and all in my head, but it makes the whiskey taste better.
I highly recommend it as an investment/gift.
Back to you in the studio Sherry.
Winner: All-Stars Set Designers
What would I have to do and who would I have to ask to get my hands on that wood carving of Aneesa? Seriously, I know I joke around a lot around here, and I understand I use humor as a defense mechanism to never have to actually be vulnerable, but this time I’m putting down my shield.
I want…nope, let me rephrase…I need that wood carving of Aneesa to hang above my desk yesterday.
Loser: Johnny’s Microphone
Why is his audio quality quite possibly the worst audio quality in the history of audio?
What was happening there?
This should be a staple. Once a week, from here on out, Challengers get to call a designated “coach” who is a former Challenger and talk strategy with them. Why aren’t they doing this?
They could even put those out as like YouTube exclusives or something like that. Who wouldn’t watch those? I can’t think of a single Challenge fan who would be like “A video of Nam calling Lolo and asking for advice? No thank you.” Sign me up for that content immediately.
Winner: This Damn House
An outdoor pool table? In this economy? This house amazes me more and more with each episode.
He’s gotta be sitting at home real upset that he didn’t get to break a bone in someone’s body this season.
The Challenge is a strange bird.
You can do everything wrong. You can crumble emotionally. You can quit during the daily challenge. You can foolishly tell the person in power to vote you in. You can be on the opposite side of the person who’s choosing their opponent.
And then you get to the party and there’s a pole in the sand. It’s better to be lucky than good.
“Alright team, this season we gotta light some stuff on fire. There wasn’t enough fire for the board’s liking last season, so let’s get blazin.”
“Well, boss, what are you thinking?”
“What about Pole Wrestle, but on fire?”
“I don’t think we can do that, ma’am.”
“Okay… well…we’re doing Pole Wrestle, but on fire, because I said so.”
“What if we just had them light it on fire at the end.”
“…Pole Wrestle…but on fire…”
“Uh, okay…we’re on it.”
Winner: Ben Zobrist
Deep into the chilly evening of November 2nd, 2016 on a chilly night in Cleveland,Ohio, Ben Zobrist stood in the on deck circle and watched the Cleveland Indians intentionally walk Anthony Rizzo to put runners on first and second with one out in the top of the 10th inning of Game 7 of the World Series.
Ben Zobrist watched as the Indians made the decision to take the percieved easy route. They did what Derrick did, putting slap-hitter Ben Zobrist up to bat rather than face slugger Anthony Rizzo.
Now I have no idea how this ends for Derrick. How taking the path of “easy for me” rather than “good TV” in choosing Wes for a rematch. All I know, is when Ben Zobrist was chosen as the easier opponent, he changed millions of lives with one swing of the bat.
Thanks for reading! See you back here soon for the final batch of Power Rankings of the season! And as always, Happy Challenge Watching!!!