The Challenge: All Stars 3 Episode 7 Recap — Winners & Losers
Welcome to another edition of Winners & Losers! A combined five championships left the house this week, and the game is officially wide open for anyone who wants it! Inside this week: Roni gives her takes on…pretty much everything, Nehemiah and Mark have the right idea, it’s a Boogie Wonderland, and much much more…
“Would it be worth it to get an iPad?”
Loser: This Joke’s Encroaching Expiration Date
You know what they say…those who need Mark Long from Road Rules to be a stand-in for the totally platonic cuddle buddy together…..
Winner: That Spread
I’ve always said that once I’m a billionaire the breakfast spread of charcuterie, fresh fruit, and multiples variations of sausages in my kitchen every morning is going to be astronomically dope.
Turns out I don’t even need to be a billionaire. I just have had to have been on The Real World or Road Rules between 1992 and 2010.
Wait a minute…I’m neither of those things either….welp, back to the drawing board I guess.
Loser: The Bean
Every time I see that stupid thing, my soul diminishes just a smidge.
You know how many awesome things there are in the city of Chicago? So many. You know what’s not awesome at all? The Bean. And yet every time the Bears play on Sunday Night Football or the Bulls play on TNT, which of the plethora of Chicago landmarks do they choose to represent in their b-roll footage? The God Damn Bean.
Every girl with a MySpace account in the suburbs who ever once took the Metra downtown with their friends had a selfie standing under The Bean that they took with their older sister’s digital camera as their profile picture. It was the original cliche internet selfie before cliche internet selfies were even a thing. That particular photo pre-dated the duck face.
I’ve officially farted enough Bean opinions out for one blog post. Let’s get on with the chlorophyll.
Winner: Challenge Fans
I’m always fascinated with relationships between famous reality TV people and civilians. Like, did Veronica’s girlfriend tell her on their first date that she used to watch her on TV in high school? Is that a third or fourth date, post coital bombshell to drop?
And how does a famous reality TV person react? I mean Veronica is one of the few people on this cast that understands just how famous people like her or Mark Long used to be. It’s an astronomical level of fame compared to the deep sea of wannabe IG influencers there are now. Is that something she likes? I wonder if some of the Veronica’s floating out there in the world prefer if their potential partners have no idea about their former life. It’s probably a mixed bag.
I guess if you reach for the stars long enough, one day you may actually grab one. That being said, does anyone know if Nany’s single and/or have her phone number?
Winner: Asking and Receiving
“You want my thoughts on anything, you say? Okay, well…I think sweet potato fries are overrated. I think the MLB should keep the ghost runner after the 10th inning. Salad doesn’t need cheese, unless it’s feta. Trick-or-Treating should be open to both children and adults. Restaurants play music way too loud, and I’d go as far to say they shouldn’t play music at all. Stephen Curry is better at basketball than Lebron James, but they’re both not as good as Kevin Durant. You should have to pay $1 a year per Twitter follow. The Olympics suck. Lunch is the best meal of the day, Breakfast is last. Paper straws are fascist. Thanksgiving would be better if we did it twice a year, rather than once, that way we wouldn’t feel the need to fill up as much. Getting a steak cooked anything higher than medium-rare is as sinful as adultery. Smoking cigarettes is underrated, and we should bring back smoking sections and ashtrays on the tables in greasy spoon diners. Paperbacks are always better than hardcover. The beach is an overrated place to spend an afternoon. Winter isn’t that bad. Dogs shouldn’t be allowed on airplanes. Neither should children. Bridesmaids is the funniest movie made since Dumb and Dumber, and there hasn’t been a movie funnier since. Champagne’s overrated. Scrambled eggs are the best eggs, unless you’re getting them at a restaurant, then fried is the way to go. Wearing jeans anywhere in your own home is sacrilege. And finally, Girl Scout Cookies are a scam.
“No, Roni, that’s good for today. I’m gonna go take a nap now. Please don’t wake me up.”
Loser: Naming Things For The Sake of Naming Them
Why not just call it, “Trivia”?
Loser: Walking Back To The Dugout
This is how baseball players should have to leave the batters box when they strike out. That would fix a lot of baseball’s problems. Who wouldn’t want to watch Aaron Judge’s enormous body be tossed back in the dugout via slingshot?
And don’t give me the “but that’s always how we’ve done it” bee ess either. If that’s the only reason not to do something, then you should always do that thing.
Winner: TJ Lavin, World Traveler
Of course he would ask that, they probably filmed a Challenge season in the country of Celcius. Not everyone has made ice in foreign lands as often as TJ has, clearly. Get over yourself.
Loser: The Lame Past
God, Teej! Enough is enough with the Kailah bullying. I know Mark Long is like fifty or whatever and was probably at the same play Lincoln got shot at, but don’t you know Kailah was born in 199freaking2?! Have some respect.
Jesus. At least give her a hard word to spell.
I bet not a single person on the cast, man or woman, would have gotten that question correct. The “OPH” at the front end alone would trip up every single person there.
I mean Jonna got asked about Lion King for Christ sakes. I know she got it wrong, but still.
Don’t you hate when your favorite show gets cancelled? And we never even found out what the final Rule of the Road was. Damn fat cat executives always thinking they know what’s best for all of us.
Winner: The Joy of Wrong Answers
Ah! So close! It’s actually Earth, Wind, and Fire. You’ll get em next time Jonna. But for now, I got two words for ya…LETS DANCE
Hit it DJ!
Winner: The Thought of TJ Lavin Hosting Saturday Night Live
I can’t say I really have any idea who’s even on SNL anymore, but imagine TJ being there. Cracking wise and rubbing elbows with the funniest people on TV on Saturday nights. His presence might even get me to pretend to watch it and then tell anybody who asked that I totally did.
Winner: Johnny Bananas
One last Q before we move on: Do you guys think that Veronica stays up to watch the program that comes on right after SNL? I’d guess that’s a no. But crazier things have happened.
Loser: Lance Armstrong’s Reputation
NO! Brad! You dummy! Lance Armstrong was the first person to wear a yellow rubber band on the moon. Not walk. You silly goof.
There aren’t even 51 states, Jordan! It was a trick question! God, these people are so dumb.
Winner: Lupe Rodriguez, the Mexican Finger Painter
God, these guys are a real bunch of uncultured swine. Nehemiah doesn’t even know who Lupe Rodriguez the Mexican Finger Painter is.
Fuck it, you know what this party needs? To find a little love on the dance floor baby! HIT IT DJ!!!
Winner: Mark & Nehemiah
You know the best way to play limbo? Be the guy holding the stick.
I’ve been to enough house parties where enough limbo has broken out to know that actually trying to limbo is a sucker’s game and the smartest person in the room is one half of dictating the height of the stick.
Winner: Recognizing Red Flags Early
I’m sorry, what? You don’t like pizza?
Let’s avoid the obvious joke about not mentioning pizza around Brad for fear of a shrimp taco-esque lecture on the back-end. What does Veronica mean she doesn’t “even like pizza”? How suspect can one person get.
Pizza can be so many things and so many flavors. You can get cheese pizza, you can any topping you want in addition to the cheese. You can get a white sauce instead of a red sauce. You can do a flatbread on gluten-free wheat bread. You can get Treatzza Pizza from Dairy Queen.
To say you “don’t even like pizza” is an affront to everything anyone has ever strived for in the long history of society. Wars have been fought, lives have been lost, families and communities have been ruined and rebuilt. All for the sake of eventually coming home after a long day of work and being able to eat something as truly satisfying and wonderful as pizza.
Legend has it Ted Bundy didn’t like pizza either, and he was an overall positive for society loljk. That’s one hell of an idol, Veronica. I have Nelson, your girlfriend has you, and you have Ted Bundy. Marinate on that one.
Loser: Lazy Fact Checking
Normally I’m no stickler for details, but that clip isn’t from The Gauntlet. It’s very clearly from the movie Top Gun (1986).
Ugh the other night I left the book I was reading outside on my patio table and a torrential downpour/tornado warning hit Chicago and didn’t realize until I was literally sitting in section 212 of Wrigley Field that I left it out there to get drenched in Nature’s tears. The books pretty ruined now after two days of drying in the sun. Too bad, I only had like twenty five pages left.
This has nothing to do with anything. I just needed to share that with someone. My friends say I need to share more.
Loser: Every Other Guy Besides CT on Spies, Lies & Allies
They were all so stupid.
Loser: Delusional NBA Players
Jonna would fit like a glove in a room full of NBA Superstars.
Her saying this is a little like Ja Morant still saying “nobody believed in me” when he was the number two pick in the draft.
I’d argue that not a ton of former champs have so easily achieved this level of respect from her peers. Nobody’s questioned it, and she’s been targeted appropriately. No one is saying that you don’t deserve anything, Jonna Morant.
How crotchety do I sound right now?
I can’t believe that in 2022, after all the progress society has made, after all that we’ve learned about accepting people for who they are and allowing freedom of expression, that there are still monsters out there who will make fun of someone’s haircut.
Winner: Mark, Brad, Derrick, Nehemiah, and Wes
The big bad wolf has been slayed, the elephant in the room has been defeated, the monkey is out of the bottle.
Now that Jordan’s gone, the Final is wide open for anyone who wants it. All five of them are flawed, and a few are in serious jeopardy in the coming challenge/elimination cycle, but with a little luck, I could see every single one of them being the winner at the end of this. Something I wasn’t able to say just 24 hours ago.
For the last fifteen years having been a two time Challenge champion was simply an extremely interesting ice breaker at parties for Roni. A super fun fun-fact she could drop at PTA meetings. When she played two truths and a lie, she’s got the coolest truth in the room.
Suddenly that anecdote was reality again, and all this time later she was good at it! And it was fun! Real life sucks, and The Challenge, having nothing to do with real life, certainly does not. I bet that was the most fun she had in years.
How can you not be romantic about The Challenge?
Thanks for reading! See you this we….
Wait a minute, we can’t end on a lame ass emotional note like that. It’s Summer 22 baby! We’re headed to the freakin’ weekend! Devin! Lemme get a Let’s Go!
LETTS GOOO!!! I NEED ALL MY HONEY DIPS TO THE DANCE FLOOR AND ALL THE BROKE DUDES IN THE BUILDING TO KINDLY FIND THE EXIT! WHERE’S NAM! I NEED NAM! SOMEBODY FIND NAM!
THERE HE IS! I NEED JASMINE, NANY, THERESA, DEVYN, AND ANY OTHER OF MY FREE AGENTS LADIES TO SHOW THESE CHUMPS WHAT YOU GOT! AND WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE CALL ADAM ROYER!
Thanks for reading! See you Sunday for a fresh batch of Power Rankings! And until then, as always, Happy Challenge Watching!!!