The Challenge: All Stars 3 Episode 6 Recap — Winners & Losers
Welcome back to another Winners & Losers! After a barnburner of an episode, with former champs leaving, and The Treehouse losing a limb, there’s a ton to parse through. Inside this week: Brad buys generic gas station Viagra, Theo gets PTSD watching at home, MJ eats smelly fruit, and much much more…
Winner: Obvious Needle Drops
I’m a sucker for a good needle drop in a movie or TV show, especially when it’s so ham-handed it’s still oinking at you. Shows like The OC and One Tree Hill (The OC is easily the superior show. Tweet @fessyfitness if you disagree.) were great at it. But no entertainment entity in the annals of entertainment entities is less subtle than The Challenge.
When the gang arrives back at the house to talk shit about Beth and make tostadas in the kitchen, MJ takes vitamins and reminisces about winning with Jonna last season, while the group thanks Jonna for stabbing that jaguar in the heart with a spear for them. The Challenge Gods, ever the shysters, decide to choose You Make Me Wanna… by Usher to set the tone.
A song that derives its title from Usher’s desire you break up with his current girl and date another girl who’s been his friend for a while, but he now realizes is more than that.
You know what they say, have musical montages with obvious song lyrics made about you……
Loser: Kellyanne’s Boyfriend’s Wardrobe Choices
He had to have known that if he wore his zip-up with a picture of Dee on it that they would blur it out. Like come on man, read the room.
Loser: Phone Addictions
Jesus, even the birds are Tweeting now? Social media has officially gone too far man.
Winner: Second Generation Challengers
Now that 98% of the NBA is populated with songs of former NBA players, it’s basically inevitable that on a smaller scale this will happen with The Challenge as well. Derrick’s son is 12, so let’s give him four years for college because education is dope, which means that in ten years he’ll be unofficially eligible for The Challenge.
I say any and all children of Challengers are welcome onto The Challenge, reality TV background or not. Like a legacy in a Fraternity. Or staying on your parent’s phone plan because they’re grandfathered into an insanely low-priced deal that hasn’t existed since Tom from MySpace was running the internet.
I look forward to the day when Derrick’s kid votes in Brad’s kid against Leroy’s kid because he hooked up with MJ’s kid who is Derrick’s kid’s ex-girlfriend.
Loser: Gas Station Dick Pills
Sounds to me like Brad needs to go to the doctor immediately.
Winner: The Small Things In Life
A kid from the suburbs of Chicago once said, “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”
This deep into the game, I imagine that it would be very easy to slip into the darkness and be so consumed by the game that reality begins to take a back seat.
But on this day? On this day, Wes and Nehemiah had a grasp on the fleeting feeling all of us are searching for in life only the have our attempts continually thwarted by the realities of modernity.
If I had to venture a guess, I’d say Wes and Nehemiah have definitely seen Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.
Winner: Jordan’s Personal Growth
The last time someone did a super sweet karate kick after the completion of a daily challenge in Jordan’s presence, he kept true to his namesake and…
And because of that he’s no longer allowed in Turkey for fear of the Turkish criminal underground putting a hit out on him. It’s good to see that he’s matured since then and is understanding when others want to do super sweet karate moves.
Loser: Minimalism
Three?
Who needs three paddle boards? Where would you even store three paddle boards? Why not just have one good one. Also, what’s yoga boarding? Is that where you do yoga on a paddle board? Because if so, that’s obnoxious. To be honest I’ve never really understood the appeal of paddle boarding. It’s possible that I feel this way because I’d most likely look a lot like Nia did if I were to try it. But also, like, why stand when you can sit? What’s leisurely about standing on a board? Am I reading this wrong? Is it not supposed to be a leisure thing? If it’s not, then why is every person I’ve ever seen paddle boarding in no hurry to paddle board anywhere in particular. I don’t know, man. It just seems like a silly way to do anything. It’s like walking on your hands when you have two perfectly good feet.
If you have thoughts on paddle boarding go ahead and tweet @fessyfitness and let us know. He keeps trying to get me go with him, but as you can see I’m vehemently against the act of paddle boarding in general, so I need some convincing.
Winner: Restraint
I gave Jordan credit earlier for not instigating a brouhaha with Brad over his super sweet karate moves. So it’s important to give the same credit to Kellyanne for evolving from like three episodes ago.
It helps that Roni was so focused on her puzzle that she didn’t simply just look down and Jonna was so distraught over the possibility of Brad voting in MJ that she couldn’t pay any attention to the task at hand. But still, way to pull it together Kellyanne.
Loser: Report Cards
When I was a young lad in school one of my only goals was to do everything I possibly could to ensure my parents never received my report cards.
It’s not like I was a bad student or anything, I just didn’t try. Like, at all. Homework was the bane of my existence, and there was some kind of block in my head that never allowed me to ever care even a smidgen about doing it. I had way too much NCAA Football and Grand Theft Auto to play for silly things like Math and Social Studies.
So if I’m Sylvia’s step-son, I’m fucking psyched she’s gonna be in Panama filming a show during this time. That leaves only one adult to shield disappointing grades from. But then I chat with her on FaceTime and she has my God damn report card there! In her hands! On the show! In an entirely different country!
What the hell?!
Shout out to that kid. That fucking sucks, bro. There’s nothing you could have done about that. Just regroup, and reassess how you’re going to hide your grades next time.
Loser: Sharing Birthdays
Okay, which one of them do you think had their birthday maybe slightly a little too far from that date, but shoehorned themselves into the group by sheer force of will?
I’d say Kailah’s the easy favorite for that one. Her birthday was probably like a month away.
Loser: Theo
I bet that bummed him out.
Winner: Shit Sandwiches
Remember on Episode 13 of Spies, Lies & Allies when the phrase shit sandwich was used three separate times?
That was weird, huh?
Loser: That Apple
MJ has been wearing those shoes everywhere in the hot-ass Panamanian atmosphere most likely sweating the entire time. Seriously, outside of the competition days, I haven’t seen him sport any other footwear. Which means those things, by this point, must smell terrible.
And that apple is just sitting right there next to them. Taste is like 75% smell. Just saying.
Winner: Classic American Literature
An’ live off the fatta the lan’…an’ have rabbits. Go on, Derrick! Tell about what we’re gonna have in the garden and about the rabbits in the cages and about the rain in the winter and the stove, and how thick the cream is on the milk like you can hardly cut it.
Loser: The Guy Who Picked A Fight With Ronnie On The Seaside Boardwalk That One Time
One shot! One shot kid!
God, Jersey Shore was the best.
Winner: Stan Podolak
Loser: Braiding Hair To Cure Boredom
Top Three Emotional Goodbyes in Challenge History
3) MJ/Jonna
2) Devyn/Tamara
1) Brooke/Evelyn
Loser: Bill Gramatica
Who knew Nehemiah was an Arizona Cardinals fan? Who knew the Arizona Cardinals had fans? Who knew that by the end of this recap I would be talking about the Arizona Cardinals?
Wait a minute…
What’s that sound?……
Thanks for reading! Be sure to check back on Sunday for my updated Power Rankings! And until then, as always, Happy Challenge Watching!!!
