The Challenge: All Stars 3 Episode 5 Recap — Winners & Losers
Welcome to another Winners & Losers! What an episode! A couple of true OG’s went home, and some power players established themselves even further. Inside this week: Dirt Bike practice is canceled in Panama until further notice, Brad serves us a chocolate oatmeal stout, we weep for giraffes everywhere, and much much more…
Winner: Telling A Joke Until It Loses All Intended Irony
You know what they say…braid hair together…..
Loser: The Barbershops in Yes’s Hometown
I have a lot of respect for someone who keeps the same haircut for as long as Yes has kept his dome high and tight. I guess he could have grown it out in the intervening years since we’ve seen him last, but it sure doesn’t seem like it. That thing is taped on.
Jodi would be the captain of the women’s side of whatever weird accolade this even is. I don’t know how they do it, but staying strong and consistent is a virtue in almost all facets of life. So more power to them. If it works, it works.
Loser: Anyone Who Planned On Practicing For The Big Dirt Bike Race Coming Up Later That Week
“What do you mean the track is closed for the day? The Panama Dirt Bike Cup is in five days! I have to get some runs in. Who rented it out?”
“I don’t know, a bunch of Americans are playing some kinda ring toss game.”
“Well why do they have to be at the dirt bike track to do that?”
“Not sure son. Somebody gave me 2,000 bucks to give it to them for the afternoon. Bitcoin’s in the tank, so I could really use the dough. My damn nephew said it was legit. Shoulda trusted my gut.”
“Fucking Americans.”
Winner: Telling A Joke Until It Loses All Intended Irony (Part 2)
You know what they say…..keep jewelry safe during physical tasks together….
Loser: Regular Schmegular T-Shirts That Everyone Else Besides Jordan Wears
Just once, I’d love to see Jordan in just like a regular-ass shirt. Just a standard red or blue or green or what or any color t-shirt like they have at Target or whatever.
Winner: The Pyro Gal/Guy
Finally! They get to kinda-sorta do something! Just a little colored smoke, nobody’s blowing anything up quite yet. But in this economy, a job’s a job. You gotta take what you can get.
Loser: Reputations
As I said last week, Beth is one of the most high-level game-changers that’s ever been on this show. There really isn’t any reason to try and get Beth out. If anything, shouldn’t you let her stick around all the way until the end?
I mean, what’s she gonna do? She’s been there for like five days, and basically, every single other woman is like “WE GOTTA GET HER OUT!”. Her presence has suffocated the game. All other possible wedges have ceased to exist. It’s everybody vs. Beth, for reasons that remain unclear beyond the fact that this is just the way it’s been since 2004.
By this point, she’s become less of a person, and more of an idea.
Loser: Byron Russell
Go ‘head Sylvia, put some sauce on it.
Winner: Organic Farm-to-Table Craft Beers
Loser: Yes
This is a real bummer for Yes. No more cool hats on elimination night. If you wanna wear a hat, Yes, you better win a daily challenge. That’s his real reward.
Loser: Post Malone Deep Cuts
A few summers ago, one of my best friends got married and I was lucky enough to be one of his groomsmen. And at the beginning of the reception, when it’s just the wedding party lingering around as the normie guests trickle in, he marched me over to the DJ booth to introduce me.
His words to the DJ were, “only me and this guy can request songs tonight”. He made it explicitly clear to this guy how sacred the music portion of the proceedings would be. He painstakingly curated the right playlist to appease the older/family crowd at the beginning, and then get to the real gutter shit towards the end.
The night was going great. We were all dancing, drinking, and getting into general debaucherous wedding shenanigans. At a certain point, I was standing with the Groom off in a side area talking to God knows who about God knows what, when his new bride came storming up to him exclaiming that “there is no one on the dance floor right now you need to go fix this”.
He and I went over there and basically hit this guy with the Captain Phillips “I’m the captain now” spiel and told him to kick rocks. Turns out, the younger sisters of the bride requested to listen to like Juice Wrld and Post Malone and it evacuated the dance floor.
It’s like we all moved the party to Bomont, Utah. And as soon as we took over, the dance floor turned into Freaknik ‘96.
Anyway, I guess I’m glad that DJ is still getting work. Didn’t expect him to have to move to Panama to find it. And if anyone at production or that bar would have consulted me about hiring him, I’d have told them to probably go in another direction. But still, can’t hate on a guy for chasin’ his dreams.
Winner: That Time I Got A Nintendo 64 For Christmas
Winner: The Rules of Reality TV Consumption
Let’s keep our third eyes open everybody.
The number one rule while watching reality television, over all else, is if you don’t see the person saying the words, if the editing cuts around their face, if you do not see their mouth moving while the words are being said, there’s a good chance they either never said it at all, or said it at a much different time.
This scene of Beth talking about Jonna and MJ, and then Jonna talking to MJ at the bar was one of the most egregious examples of reality TV soundbite bullshit that I’ve seen in a long time. We didn’t see any accusations of cheating or denial of cheating actually be spoken by any of those people at the bar that day.
Next week….we’re gonna talk about how while the Earth might not be flat, is it even round???!???!
Winner: Beth Finally Standing Up For Herself
Well, you wanna know something, John-A? My name’s actually pronounced “Bath”. Yeah, it’s true. Over all these decades I just have never corrected anyone on it. Syrus is the only one that knows the real truth.
So from here on out, I’m putting my foot down. You guys will all call me by my real name, Bath.
Winner: Afters
So what are you guys doing after this you wanna go back to my place and I’ll make us up some pancakes or something?
Loser: Nap Interruptions
Imagine being balls deep in a mid-afternoon nap, only to be woken up by intense ass Brad all hopped up on pre-workout, making two incisions into your soul with the whites of his eyes, and dumping an intensive game-related conversation with you while you’re still half asleep.
Wes can pretend that he volunteered to go in based on friendship or gamesmanship or any other ship he wants to sail off to Bullshit Island on. But let’s be real, he just wanted to go back to his nap.
Winner: The Giraffe’s Eternal Dilemma
Loser: Obvious Humble Brags
We get it, dude. You know Brad from The Real World: San Diego. That’s enough. Find a new thing to brag about.
Winner: The Night’s Watch
If you Google “Jon Snow Bun”, as I did in preparation for this section, you would be shocked how many YouTube tutorials there are of people teaching you how to tie up half your hair.
Like, what are we even doing? As a society? Like, there was one video that spelled it “John Snow” and turned out to be just an ad for some greasy looking hair product. Another one was almost five (5!) minutes long. How could you possibly need five minutes to both explain and learn how to put half of your hair into a hair tie? My favorite one is the one I posted there. The guys, got a great head of lettuce, to be sure. But my favorite part is the fake Game of Thrones-y music he put as the background. Just amazing work all around.
Imagine if all of the collective energy that went into watching the show, growing their hair, setting up a YouTube page, editing a video, posting a video, and then YouTube having to store the video, went into like curing the common cold. Just something that would just benefit everyone, rather than it’s current form, which benefits no one.
What was I talking about again? Ah yes, The Challenge. Moving on.
Loser: Safety Standards and Practices
They should have put a water tank with a hundred malnourished piranhas swimming around inside of it underneath that platform. Freaking 2022. Can’t have any fun anymore.
Winner: Cute Pet Names For Your Work Crush
Do you think she calls him M? Or is MJ already short enough? Since we’re here, what is MJ short for anyway? Michael Jordan? I guess I could just Google it but I have no plans on doing that.
Shout out to M.
Winner: Unfairness
Never once in its illustrious history has The Challenge ever been fair about anything. And Bath goes back like throwbacks so she knows exactly what she signed up for.
Loser: Heaven’s Interns
Everytime MJ makes that “Ah-ha!” noise an angel not only doesn’t get their wings but they’re banished from heaven and sent to hell for eternity.
Winner: Mamba Mentality
For the first time in two and a half seasons worth of All-Stars, Jonna found herself down in the elimination ring. And then before she could even break a swear, she made quick work of her opponent while the entire house cheered her on from the stage.
Yet another notch on the All-Stars bedpost for the reigning champ.
Loser: Integrity
Sending Yes home did a lot for Wes’s game. Took out a high-level Final threat, took out someone that was gunning for him, but most of all he has officially established dominance in the three-letter name domain. At least on the men’s side of things.
Nia better watch out. Wes is coming for her next.
Thanks for reading! Hope you enjoyed! I’ll see you on Sunday for a fresh batch of Power Rankings. And until tha itn, as always, Happy Challenge watching!!!
