The Challenge: All Stars 3 Episode 4 Recap — Winners & Losers

Welcome back to another Winners & Losers! Episode 4 of All Stars is in the books. One legend showed up on a dune buggy and another legend left in an ambulance this week. Now that the dust has settled, let’s really dig deep. Inside this edition: Brad chokes a flamingo to death, Jonna catches Mark stealing MJ’s shampoo, Veronica makes the lowly bar back do extra work, and much much more…

Winner: Alternative Cryptocurrency

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Winner: Old Timey Sayings

You know what they always say…

Those who play beer pong together, win Challenge Finals together.

Winner: Yes’s Hat Versatility

Normally this has been Yes’s elimination night hat. It’s great to see him breaking it out for the day-time prom weekend party, because you totally know that he was the one who took the game pretty seriously and wore that hat specifically to get into “win or die” mode.

Not sure about the shoes though…

Winner: Drinking Games

Okay so it looks like the matchup is MJ and Jonna (cute) vs. Derrick and Kailah (cute, but, in a different way) in Three Cup Monty. I can envision how it played out in my head perfectly.

I feel like MJ definitely told a lot of stories about playing beer pong in college. Jonna was probably sneaky good, but pretended she had no idea what she was doing. Derrick’s endearing child-like enthusiasm probably came out and he was super-duper into every shot, with Yes probably egging him on from the sidelines. And Kailah did the hot girl thing where she “pretends” to like show her butt or whatever as a “joke” to distract MJ.

My bet is on the MJ/Jonna team to win this one. I see Derrick/Kailah being the duo that just cannot for the life of them hit the last cup and close out a game. Those last ones can be a motherfucker though, huh?

God I miss parties.

Loser: Not Getting The Full Matchups

So it look as though the only other confirmed teams were Nia and Sylvia and Kendal and Darrell.

Did they play each other? Who else was on a team? Did they have any funky house rules, or was it just straight up shot for shot?

I need to know who won each match-up, I need to see a full on special where they just show them playing drinking games. Why isn’t that a thing? Why is the only bonus content we get a set of workout videos on the deck of some Viacom executives mansion looking out a smoggy LA with Rachel and Corey L.?

For the record, I have Nia and Sylvia smoking that one. Simply due to the fact that I just don’t see Kendal being good at beer pong, and that would lead directly to Darrell having minimal interest in the game.

Loser: The Patriarchy

Jonna, Roni, Veronica, Nia, Sylvia, and Kailah?

This should have been a wash. They lost by a single cup too. I bet it was Yes that held it up. I don’t know why. I just feel that way. He seems bad at flippy cup. Something about his face. Just screams “Five Flip Freddy” to me.

Loser: That Flamingo

Jesus Christ, Brad. Calm down.

Look, I’m not saying that he actually is or even is capable of being a serial killer who chokes his victims to death.

He’s not.

But.

If he did decide to start doing that professionally, I feel like he’d be Ted Bundy levels of transcendent at it. We all have our calling.

Winner: That “Your Postmates order is on the way! James will be arriving in 11 minutes.” Text

Winner: Eloquence

Winner: Old Timey Sayings (Part 2)

You know what they always say…

Those who sit on the couch alone and talk (honestly though, what do Jonna and MJ talk about? I feel like they’re totally different people in so many ways. Maybe they’re both super into Bridgerton or something like that.) strategy together, win Challenge Finals together.

Loser: Those Who Say Comedy Is Dead

Nailed it.

Winner: Eloquence (Part 2)

Winner: Old Timey Sayings (Part 3)

You know what they always say…

Those who braid hair together, win Challenge Finals together.

Winner: Getting the Solo Date Card

I’m just so excited to continue my journey with Thomas Joseph. He’s the dream man I’ve been waiting for my entire life. I knew it as soon as I stepped out of the limo. Then when he gave me the First Impression Rose, I was, like, blown away. I could definitely see myself letting my guard down and falling for this man.

And since I grew up riding dune buggies in North Carolina after church with my twelve brothers and three sisters, I couldn’t have asked for a better One-on-one for me to really show off what I got. I do worry getting a second one-on-one so soon will make me a target in the house, but Hometowns are just a few weeks away, and my family is everything….

Winner: Game Changers

One of the coolest parts about The Challenge is that while at it’s core it’s almost always the same, almost every single variable (cast, game rules, etc.) can and will be different at any given time.

But a few of the cast members over the years are much larger variables than others. Their presence skews the game, whether in a good or bad way is mostly up to the Challenge Gods. But they cannot be ignored, no matter how hard they try.

This season alone Wes’s dick was in the house fifteen minutes before he got there. Jordan’s having the same level of impact, but just in different ways.

But Beth is a game changer too. Beth will never appear and vanish quietly. Her wavelength runs on too powerful of a frequency. But it’s really all for one simple reason.

She completely changes the voting structure in that she is basically the free space on the bingo card. You can vote for Beth any thing at any time, and there are ZERO repercussions.

The Challenge is a game where every action has a reaction. Every vote you make, every Challenge you win or lose, will stick with you in perpetuity. Perception is reality, but even reality doesn’t mean that much.

Except for saying Beth’s name. It’s the only foolproof life-raft any Challenger can hang onto. I know that she refused to do the Challenge that day, but would it have actually mattered? Was anyone going to vote any other way than vote Beth?

Loser: Loyalty

Yeah, ya you, like, Mark used MJ’s shampoo the other day without even asking. I caught him when I went to go look for a blow dryer. And now that I think about it, Mark might have even been the one who ate the pizza rolls we opened together the other day.

…Mark, did you think I wasn’t going to be upset you used MJ’s shampoo? Did you think I was going to be cool with less pizza rolls? Well, like, you’re wrong.

Winner: Wedgies

Neeeerrrrrdddddddddd. Quick, somebody shove him in a locker.

Winner: Helmets

I’m like 92% sure that’s not how you’re supposed to wear that.

Loser: Heights

If the universe wanted us to fly, we would all have wings.

I do not blame Darrell or Beth for saying fuck all that noise and not walking out onto that plank. Being afraid of heights, deathly afraid, is an overwhelming feeling. It’s as if all the nerves that connect your brain to your body to make it do stuff hit the pause button indefinitely. It’s gotten me many times in my life.

Me, Beth, and Darrell, on the ground where we belong. Eating cheese, drinking wine, and talking shit. Sounds like such a pleasant afternoon. Ahh, a boy can dream, right?

Loser: Brad

Yeah right, Brad. Haven’t you ever typed 58008 into a calculator and then turned it upside down? Now that’s a thrill ride.

Winner: That Seventh Margarita

Loser: The Bar Back

“Hi can I get more limes?”

“Ma’am you already have three.”

“Yeah, I know. I want more.”

“Here you go.”

“Can I have some more?”

“You have ten limes in your drink.”

“I SAID GIVE ME MORE LIMES! Don’t you know who I am? I’m Veronica from Road Rules. Yeah. That Veronica.”

Winner: Darrell’s Shirt

Yooooo, that is one swanky ass shirt. Where’d he get it? They don’t sell cool shirts like that at Kohls where I exclusively buy shirts once every 24 months, so I’m pretty out of the loop on fast fashion.

If you know where that’s from, or have a promo code I could at checkout, Tweet @fessyfitness and let me know.

Winner: All The Things We Don’t Say

Does anyone else think that whatever is going on with Veronica and Beth runs much deeper than something that happened on The Challenge way back then? Challenge animosity almost always goes away, because time almost always allows it too. But this seemed bigger than voting results and petty arguments.

Some beefs never expire, because some things are larger than an expiration date.

Winner: Wes Being Wes

Shout out to Wes for being the only person on earth who can somehow manage to give himself credit for something he didn’t do by explicitly saying he didn’t have anything to do with it. It’s his superpower.

Loser: Manners

Ugh, what a pig. You never ask a Challenger their weight in the middle of an elimination round. It’s just not polite. Some things never change. Jordan’s got a lot of growing up to do.

Loser: The Implications of the Result.

Ya know, I like Jordan and Darrell a lot. I guess going in I’d rather have seen Jordan win, just because as far as the game goes, he’s much more willing to play it at this stage of their lives.

But I don’t like what the results of this game imply as far as the validity of eating cookies. In the middle of the round, Jordan asks Darrell how many cookies he ate the day before, simply to say that he must have some weight on Jordan.

Now, eating cookies weren’t necessarily the reason that Darrell lost that night. But, since the result is that he both ate cookies and lost, the idea that eating cookies is a net negative activity is reinforced by Jordan’s victory. As if to say that there was a direct correlation between cookie eating and losing. The opposite is true as well, that since Jordan did not eat cookie, and won the round, therefore abstaining from eating cookies is a valid path towards victory.

I say that that’s all just some high level poppycock. Cookies rule. And I will continue to eat them, like it or not.

Thanks for reading! See you this weekend for a fresh batch of Power Rankings! And as always, Happy Challenge Watching!!!