The Challenge: All Stars 3 Episode 2 Recap — Winners & Losers

8 min readMay 12, 2022

Welcome back to another edition of Winners & Losers! Don’t blink, or you might miss it, but already 8% of the cast is on a plane ride back home to America. Things are moving fast! Inside this week: We head to the mall in the mid 2000’s, Bananas has job security, Kellyanne watches me order lunch, and much much more…

Winner: The Beastie Boys

For some weird reason the beginning of this episode makes me want to listen to The Beastie Boys.

I know, they’re not even talking about Kokomo or Surfin the USA or any of their other hits. But just something keeps gnawing at me. Oh wait that’s right. Duh…

Winner: Team Chemistry

You know how the old saying goes.

Those that braid hair together, win Challenge Finals together.

Winner: Moms

Hot take incoming: Moms rule.

And while I’m here taking easy stances, I got one more for ya. Pay teachers more. How about that?! You wanted hot takes?!?! You’re gonna get hot takes!!!

Loser: Jordan’s Hair

I’ve been trying to give him the benefit of the doubt since the trailer dropped last month. And as someone who has more bald friends than friends with a full head of hair, I understand the plight of being hair shamed as intimately as one with a thick head of lettuce on their head possibly could.

But what the fuck, man? I just can’t do it. That is a sight to behold. A sore sight. But a sight nonetheless.

Winner: Laterrian’s Niece

She definitely would have done better at this than he did.

Winner: The All American Rejects

If you don’t think this shit slaps then you can just get the hell out.

DID YOU THINK THAT I WOULD CRRYYYYYY…….ON THE PHONE!!!

Hell fuckin yeah bro. Let’s go to Pac Sun and drink giant fountain sodas at Hollister and be too nervous to talk to the cute girls sitting over by the fountain and argue over who’s mom we would call to pick us up and then be dejected the whole way home because you didn’t talk to those cute girls by the fountain and then log into AIM and message “Hey sup” to like a hundred people when we get back home and sneak cigarettes out of our mom’s purse and talk about how we’re gonna move to California and get outta this shitty town with our friends Tim and Kyle and then say we’re gonna start a band and then never do it.

BUURRRRYYY ME! You thought your problems were gone…CAAAARRRYYYY ME!!!

Winner: Jemmye

The best thing that can happen to you in life when you inevitably screw something up, is that somebody else screws something up even worse.

Who cares if you broke an entire rack of wine glasses when the Steve the grill guy burns the whole restaurant down?

Kellyanne was Jemmye’s Steve the grill guy that day.

Winner: Innovators

You think Zuck created Facebook and helped to tear the fabric of society into bits by following the rules? What about Elizabeth Holmes? You think she ended up having an HBO documentary and a Hulu show made about her by swinging on her swing like everyone else? Ted Bundy was able to murder all those women, escape from prison, immediately murder more women, and then represent himself in court not because he swung on a swing like every one before him.

Those were all innovators! They changed the game!

It sure didn’t work, but Tina was just going against the grain and disrupting the status quo.

I respect that.

Winner: TJ Lavin’s Favorite Things

TJ’s a simple guy. He likes BMX bikes, incorrect trivia answers, and subtly clowning Fessy. But he really squeezes the joy out of the hard stone of life when he messes around with Tina.

Loser: Light Switches

The two most difficult things to do when you’re at someone else’s house are getting the TV remotes to work and turning on their shower. Right behind those in third place is working a panel of foreign light switches.

I’ve lived in my current apartment for roughly 9 months now and I still don’t think I know what all the light switches do or even where they are. Seeing all twelve hundred of those lined up just gave me the heeby jeebies. Now that would be a difficult elimination round.

Winner: Johnny Bananas

I don’t think he’s going to be losing his toasting gig to Laterrian any time soon.

Winner: Jonna, Challenge Champion

As is always has been with the main show, and it’s now migrated to All Stars, Jonna has power and the rest of the house knows it.

Tina approaching Jonna and trying to strong arm her, then Jemmye and Kailah kissing her feet and giving her to “u a bad bitch u a champ” routine afterwards is exactly how one approaches a power house like Jonna.

Before the season started, I pondered what life would be like in the house for Jonna this time around. Not exactly what I saw coming, but everybody go ahead and check off “fear and reverence from her peers” on their Bingo cards!

Winner: Lil Mama

I guess technically it worked, but Kailah’s “Hey guys, here’s my master plan. Let’s all say names!” move was super duper heavy handed and I can’t imagine won her any new friends when they all left that room.

Winner: Yes’s Other Other Other Other Hat

What you didn’t think he had another one?! Grow up. My man Yes don’t stop. He’s got that Hermione bag just full of hats. What do you think he spent all his money from All Stars 1 on?!?!

Loser: Being Abruptly Woken Up From Naps

Isn’t it the worst, when you’re just mid-afternoon napping on a Sunday, and somebody barges into your room and tells you Melinda was the vote to go into elimination against you?!

If I had a nickel for every time someone woke me up from a nap to tell me I had to face Melinda in an elimination round, I’d have like a hundred gumballs by now.

Winner: Melinda and Tina’s Battle Scars

Two seasons in a row now, these two ladies have given us a Joss/Derrick level elimination round that’s sure to get the fans talking for years on end. Shout out to those two ladies for leaving it all out on the field. Especially after what they put each other through last time they went head to head.

Sign me up for round three next time.

Loser: The Challenge Gods

You couldn’t just have made it a Pole Wrestle?

You have Laterrian who’s broken bones the last two seasons during one, going against the perfect opponent in Mark. Someone who’s much bigger than him, which is exactly what the next step should have been in LT’s own personal pole wrestle hero’s journey.

Plus the line “Fall back, you don’t wanna harness pully thingy me” doesn’t exactly have the same ring to it.

If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it, ya know?