The Challenge All Stars 3 Episode 10 Recap — Winners & Losers
Welcome to the final Winners and Losers of the season! We crowned a fresh All-Stars Champ, and a Queen retained her crown. What a season! Inside this week: What are those floating things called?, Wes and I have the same theories on grocery transportation, Nia fires her therapist, and much much more…
Work harder, not smarter. It’s a valuable lesson kids.
Winner: The Real World
This doesn’t have anything to do with anything relevant, but humor me.
For most of this season of All-Stars, I watched with a group of people who I got hooked on The Challenge during Spies, Lies, & Allies. They love the show, but they have absolutely zero histories with any of them. My girlfriend, who I got started during Total Madness (and had watched a few other random seasons/episodes in the lead-up), is a major Jordan fan. She likes the cut of his jib as a reality TV character.
One thing the group had in common, though, is that they were all extremely curious about the Nia and Jordan situation. They asked what was going on with them, as well as a good amount of questions about their past.
I legitimately struggled to come up with an explanation of their time together. I feel like I’m at least decent with words, and the history of Challenge people is a lay-up for me. But I could not come up with any better word other than “weird”. Which felt unsatisfactory for them at the time, but I really couldn’t think of anything else.
And since we finished the re-up season of Joe Millionaire (I highly recommend), and needed to scratch our reality show itch, I suggested The Real World: Portland.
First things first, The Real World was the best show on TV. I miss having seven new strangers picked to live in a house and find out what happens when things stop being polite and start getting real washed ashore upon my life every eight to nine months.
But secondly, and most relevant to any of this…I was wrong when I described Jordan and Nia’s relationship as roommates in the city of Portland, Oregon. It wasn’t weird. It was by far the weirdest fucking dynamic between two people that has ever existed.
Nia alone might have been the strangest bird MTV ever decided to cast on that show.
I say all that to say this. Watching Real World Nia juxtaposed with All Stars 3 Nia is a mind-melting experience. It’s like your brain starts lifting into the air and folding in on itself like the roads in that scene from Inception that was in every trailer (I’ve never seen that movie. I want to tell movies like Inception, “relax, you’re a movie”) during every NBA Playoffs commercial break in the summer of 2010.
Anywho, let’s get back to the chlorophyll.
Winner: The Green Thing
When you’re out on a lake, and all of the houses along the beach have one of those things floating ten to fifteen feet away from the dock, what are they called. Like, what’s the official name?
For instance, at my buddy’s lake house, we call it “the green thing” because it’s green on top and it’s a thing that floats in the water. And when I was a kid and my family and I would rent my mom’s boss’s lake house every summer, I simply called it “the farthest into the lake my mom would let me swim”.
If anybody knows what those floating platforms are actually, officially named, go ahead and tweet us @fessyfitness.
Loser: Knowing What Brad Means
Winner: Misplaced Gravitas
I think that the beauty in the struggle of having to fight for all that you have in your life has no application to being in the insane position of wrestling Mark Long from Road Rules on top of the green thing in a body of water adjacent to a private island in Panama in the year 2022.
But maybe that’s just me.
Not the first time I’ve heard those words from a woman’s mouth.
I still have a clear memory from when I was younger when my Mom finally had to say “you’re getting too big for me to carry inside the house”. I used to love that, pretending to still be asleep so I’d get carried inside. But when I questioned her, I remember her flexing her biceps and their being enormous, and her taking credit for them coming from having to carry me inside. Then I threw a tantrum and refused to leave the car. So she shut the door and left me there, and before long I got bored and just gave up and walked inside.
I was 28 years old.
Loser: Multiple Trips
This is also the attitude you need to have when you’re carrying groceries in from the car.
Winner: Dad Jokes
It’s no coincidence that the only dad on that stage laughed the hardest at TJ’s Daddest Dad Joke he’s ever told.
Winner: The Early Bird
In this moment Brad is my absolute spirit animal. Waiting for everyone else to make a plate at the party is one of the worst mistakes you can make. Get there first, get the best piece of fried chicken, get the first scoop of mac and cheese with the hard cheese on top, get the first scoop of potato salad and get a good amount of the fixin’s so you aren’t left with just potatoes and mayonnaise.
It’s simple math. It’s Summer Time Yacht BBQ 101.
Loser: The Most Obvious Possible Joke In The Entire World
I think Nehemiah just broke Google.
Kellyanne doesn’t actually think that there’s money in the chest, right?
Loser: Everyone Else Who’s Run A Multi-Day Challenge
I understand that they were put in a knot of situational irony with the seasickness and all that jazz….
But they still got to sleep on a yacht, drink champagne and eat a hot prepared, well-seasoned-I’m-sure, meal on gold plates.
Most of the time you’re sleeping on the ground in the cheapest sleeping bag a production assistant could find and are given two cans of beans and a plastic fork for recovery. Must be nice to be an All-Star.
Winner: Crossword Puzzles
I feel like doing a crossword puzzle is just a natural progression from waking up on a yacht and eating a breakfast spread. It’s called sophistication why don’t you give it a try sometime.
That’s incorrect, Kailah. You literally do have a clue. The clues are the three answers you already know. That’s how crossword puzzles work.
Every time someone on reality television says ‘literally’ an angel gets run over by a car.
Loser: Trying To Take A Shot Of Cheap Room Temperature Vodka Because It’s The Only Booze Left At The End Of The Party
Loser: All Other Cinematographers Everywhere
They put a camera in the puke bucket. This is the apex of The Challenge and no one else can tell me otherwise.
Eat your heart of Steven Soderbergh.
He’s not joking. That’s a true thing. It’s an open secret behind the scenes that Amy from Jeopardy ate the brains of her defeated opponents after every match during that insane streak she just went on. It’s true. Look it up. Have you seen any of those people she beat out on the street since then? Have you seen them grocery shopping? Have you seen them at the laundromat?
I didn’t think so.
I want to give a special shout-out to Brad for all of the unintentional comedy he’s provided for us all season long.
Who needs to spend all that money on a trained professional when all you need to do is stand in front of five pounds of scrap animal parts on a scale amid a Panamanian jungle?
Loser: Misplaced Hope
Okay, but, like, what? Like a shark attack?
Winner: Wes & His Ego
His dick was in the house fifteen minutes before he was this season, and the Wes Bullshit started immediately upon arrival.
A lot of times his Bullshit leads directly to his demise. Sometimes it propels him to the top of the game.
But this time around he pushed all the right buttons and pulled all the right levers at all the right times. He made Jordan the boogeyman when he was nipping at his heels as a threat in the Final. He realized the dangers of power, and when his foundation was strong enough, he relinquished it and let all of his friends make the moves. In the one instance he felt his game was threatened, he jumped on the grenade, sent Yes home, and mitigated the explosion.
Wes could not have played a more perfect game this season, and his Bullshit came up smelling like 250,000 dollars.
Winner: Nia, Kailah, Brad, & Nehemiah
Yeah, sure, Wes and Jonna may have just won a whole bunch of money, but do they get to sit on the beach covered in sweat with a belly full of animal parts with their best buds in the whole world and watch the waves roll in?
They sure as hell don’t…because they’re on a yacht…counting their money.
Winner: Jonna from The Real World: Cancun
When the cast list for the original All-Stars came out, most long-time Challenge fans felt the same exact way.
“Are they really going to put Jonna on here? That’s so unfair.”
And sure, that didn’t come to fruition as Jonna finished tied for third, but hell, even Babe Ruth struck out every once in a while.
So when Jonna won All-Stars 2, it was mostly met with a “well, duh” and a smattering of “about time”’s. You can’t bring someone that dominant on this type of show. The result is pre-written. It’s just kind of unfair to everyone else.
So now with Jonna winning All-Stars 3, got the drink in her goin back-to-back, it sort of feels like when Tom Brady wins. It’s a bit underwhelming because of course she was going to win. She wins everything. Maybe we all hoped All-Stars would be different than the main show. She’s a mom now. Maybe she’ll have lost a step.
Not even close.
Just like we imagined when it was first announced, Jonna’s dominance continues. I almost hope she doesn’t come back for All-Stars 4. Just so somebody else has a fucking chance.
Some things change, and some things stay exactly the same.
Thanks for reading! It’s been a fun season! I appreciate all the nice words I received along the way and appreciate anyone who used valuable pooping and transit time to read my articles. Challenge USA Winners and Losers coming soon, I promise. And until then, Happy Challenge Watching!!!