The Challenge: All Stars 3 Episode 1 Recap — Winners & Losers

10 min readMay 12, 2022

The Challenge is finally back!!! After such a long layoff, a brand new episode of The Challenge is here to wash all of our blues away. Inside this week: I bond with Syrus, Wes joins Destiny’s Child, carabiners remain undefeated and much much more…

Loser: Twin Beds

Sleeping with your ankles hanging off the bed is an odd experience.

It’s not like being 6'4" and sleeping on a twin sized mattress is impossible or anything, or even really that uncomfortable all things considered. But that minor annoyance of stretching out and having nothing soft to put your feet on kinda sucks low key. But it’s a minor penance pay for the privilege of being able to see everything clearly at concerts, reaching things off the top shelf with ease, and generally dominating pick-up basketball.

Winner: Wes

He almost doesn’t have to say a single word the entire time he’s there. His reputation is doing all the talking for him.

Winner: Laterrian

“Oh my God, Tyler, I heard about your car accident and all the terrible maladies you suffered from it. Are you okay?”

“Oh it wasn’t a car accident. I did a pole wrestle with one of the guys from Road Rules: Maximum Velocity Tour”

“You did a what with who?”

“Nevermind. Yeah, that car accident was terrible. Lotta bad drivers out there.”

Winner: Predictability

They look like the N.W.O.

MJ as Kevin Nash, Yes as Scott Hall, and of course Jonna as Hollywood Hulk Hogan.

It’s almost too perfect. They all look exactly like those guys.

Winner: The Door Guy

These smug American’s won’t be having such a good time once I lock them in here and hold them hostage for ransom money to fund my one-man stage show.

That’s when they’ll really be laughing.

Winner: The Aragon Ballroom When I Play a Show There Next Month

Chocolate Enemas, new band name I call it.

Winner: Being A Hot Guy

There’s this weird phenomenon I’ve always noticed with super Hot guys where they will intentionally ugly themselves up for reasons that are beyond my comprehension. As if it were just another obstacle to overcome in life. Another challenge (lol) to conquer.

Starting with his pilgrim look on Total Madness, Jordan’s been doing that exact thing when showing up here. That haircut is out of control. So is the cowboy hat. And so are the clothes.

But Jordan still looks great. Because of course he does. And here I was yesterday cutting my own hair in the bathtub and coming out looking like I got into a scuffle with twenty men equipped with dull machetes who just ingested methamphetamines for the first time. So I have less room to talk than Gheorghe Muresan on an airplane.

Loser: Me, Syrus, and 8% of All Men

I always thought being on the cast of The Real World: Boston was the only thing Syrus and I had in common. But now I know!

In Sophomore year of high school I had the meanest teacher in school as my Chemistry teacher. I’m talking old lady, takes no prisoners, quick with the detention hand outs type meanest teacher in school. In that class, my lab partner was this girl named Sara who also just so happened to be Red/Green colorblind like me.

So when a lab assignment arrived that entirely revolved around colors and observing/tracking them, we both politely asked to switch partners for the day considering our certain lack of abilities. You know what she said?

“Can’t do it. A good scientist perseveres.”

Hey, you know what Mrs. Murnighan?! I’m not a fucking scientist. I’m a 16 year old boy who wants to go flirt with girls and play video games. Don’t tell me to persevere as if I were marooned on a deserted island. It’s Chemistry class. There is nothing less consequential to the world than High School Chemistry class.

We failed the lab.

Winner: John Locke and Jack Sheppard

Loser: Having to Pee In The Middle of Something Important

Winner: Alphabet Envy

Do you think that Yes harbors resentment for Wes because despite how similar their names are, Wes will always be before him in alphabetical order?!

Can’t say for sure. Be sure to tune in to MTV next week at 8pm (7pm Central Time) to find out!

Loser: Fragile Egos

Managing a four room, city-block long, two floor, multi-million-dollars-in-revenue-a-month, behemoth of a restaurant smack dab in the middle of downtown Chicago was one of the most difficult things I did in my life. Pandemic issues aside, the challenges (lol) posed on an hourly basis were zero fun to deal with for almost anyone. I do not recommend it to anyone.

But by far the most difficult and brain melting part of the job was constantly balancing and massaging the egos of multiple servers and bartenders all at the same time. Who gets this party, who gets this section, who gets to deal with the problematic guests. It never ended.

I may have never shouted out the words “I’m supporting you all equally” exactly, but that was a sentiment I had to express in a million little ways all God damn day.

Brb, gonna go have a panic attack in the walk-in cooler.

Winner: Summer

This was me walking to the grocery store during the first 90 degree day of the year this past Tuesday.

Winner: Destiny’s Child

Loser: Sylvia

There’s not a ton of happenings more enjoyable in life than a Challenge costume party. The jungle theme was dope, and everybody showed out. Jonna was a Thundercat, Latterrian was a Panda, Syrus was probably wearing his normal Tuesday clothes but was still swaggin on everybody. They were all out here gettin it…and then there was Sylvia.

She went with bikini top and painted on cat whiskers like the girl on your dorm floor who forgot it was Halloween weekend and just needed to throw something together. What do we think happened here? Clearly the memo went out to everyone to bring some sort of jungle themed costume. There wasn’t a single soul left out.

Did Sylvia not receive said memo? Did she forget? Did she think that nobody else would try very hard and was just hoping to match the energy?

I’ve never needed to know the backstory to something more in my entire life.

Winner: The Challenge

This is a 500,000 dollar conversation they’re having right now. A totally serious, totally standard, totally important conversation regarding the fate of 500,000 dollars, dressed in totally outrageous outfits that don’t seem outrageous to anyone in the moment.

Don’t ever tell me this is the greatest show ever made.

Winner: Kansas City

Lotta representation for the Barbeque Capital of America in the Authority with Wes and Sylvia. That’s 33.3% for all you math nerds out there. I see you.

The street facing facade of the downtown Kansas City library is built to look like books lined up on a shelf, except the books are 25 feet tall. I have to imagine this random fun fact I remember from my one time in Kansas City when I was thirteen is correlated with the two of them winning the opening daily challenge.

Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk. I’ll see my way out.

Loser: Jordan and Tyler

On this mosaic of moments featuring the cast on the wall, Jordan and Tyler really got short shrift here.

Jonna’s picture is this triumphant time in her life from All Stars 1 where she finally overcomes all of her doubters, shakes off her Challenge Demons, and finishes a grueling Final Challenge.

Then Tyler gets the time where he slid down a tar covered slide and crawled through oatmeal, and Jordan got a picture of him drinking a full glass of sheep’s piss or cow diarrhea or something like that.

Winner: Photo Developers

The Challenge has almost single handedly kept the photo development industry alive over the years. Shout out to all those dark room dwellers out there fighting the good fight so Challengers everywhere can be sure to be seen on camera longingly staring at photos of loved ones back home before an elimination round.

Winner: Carabiners

Outside of gravity, the only undefeated phenomenon in the known universe are God damn carabiners on The Challenge.

Winner: MJ’s Star Tattoo

I don’t know for sure if it counts, but for the first time in his life, MJ’s super sick star tattoo on his back that he definitely regrets might be a good thing.

You just never know when your silly mistakes from your 20s will come in handy later in life. And after World War 3, when they announce that anyone with a pineapple tattooed under their tricep and above their left elbow will be the leader of the free world, my first order of business will be to put season 1–9 and The Inferno 3 up onto Paramount+ immediately.

You’re welcome America.

Winner: Hats

There were a lot of strong starts this episode. It seem like everybody came to play. The cast is locked in and totally understands the assignment. The balance between competition and entertainment is rock solid.

But so far nothing has started stronger than the assortment of headgear littering the house. It was like I was 22 and back working at Lids again. So since we’re here, fuck it yolo, let’s rank ‘em!