The Challenge 40 Battle Of The Eras Episode 2 Recap — Winners & Losers

41 min readAug 25, 2024

Welcome back to another edition of Winners and Losers for The Challenge 40 Battle of the Eras Episode 2! What a week it was, a true gauntlet of eliminaion rounds. See what I did there? Enough with all that, there’s plenty of crappy jokes as you scroll down further, let’s get right into it. Inside this week: Amanda books another one way ticket to the moon, Jodi and I have differing memories of Disney movies, Danny from The Real World: Austin makes a cameo appearance, and much much more…

Winner: Davos Seaworth

Remember at the end of Game of Thrones when all the characters are sitting around trying to decide who should be king (how dumb everything was towards the end is beside the point), and then at one point Davos says out loud what apparently everyone else besides the show-runners were thinking by butting in with “I don’t even know why I’m here, I can’t even vote.”

Take Shelter showing up here is a little like that.

Loser: Knot So Fast

They already had the ropes there, ya know?

The Challenge has never met a perfect idea they didn’t want to do something just a little bit weird with.

Though, one could argue that failing to conjure up an iconic elimination from seasons 31–39 is a simply a microcosm of the larger issues which plagued the show during this stretch.

Winner: Perfectly Describing What It Feels Like To Press Play On Any New Episode Of This Show

Winner: Fitting In With America’s Youth

Uhhhh….what?

Chris?

What’s goin’ on here?

What the hell is that growing on CT’s head?

He looks like my best friend’s Mom when we were kids. Like he’s about to tell me I can’t have a second can of Dr. Pepper or something.

He also kinda looks like a three star point guard recruit from somewhere in New England with a silky jumper but questionable athleticism who just announced his commitment to Villanova.

It’s a lot to take in. Relative to the other men in his era, it’s possible he looked around when he arrived and just decided to flex on them as hard as possible. I was once a groomsman in a wedding party and I was one of only two guys standing up with an intact hairline, this is when I had my longgggg hair too, and I remember just letting it be as wild as possible all night once pictures were done for that exact reason. Because even amongst the people I love most I can’t help but be extremely petty.

So if that’s the case, I get it. Otherwise? In the words of Ron Swanson…

I mean, Leroy was right there. Right down the hall. As we’ll see coming up, apparently one of his stipulations in coming back was that they find a house with a barbershop inside of it. Or maybe enough of Adam Larson’s hair got stuck in the lining of the pool table during All Stars 4 that production made an executive decision and preemptively threw their body in front of those cleaning fees.

I’ve now spent (wasted) a lot of time on the bundle of cabbage CT’s sporting as a haircut for the biggest season ever. I do realize that. I just don’t know how to walk away, right? If there are Oreo’s in the pantry, I’m not just gonna let them sit in the pantry. That’s not my fault, or the pantry’s fault. It’s the Oreo’s fault.

In this case, the haircut is the Oreo.

I hope one day, long after I’m gone from this earth, ‘the haircut is the Oreo’ manages to go down as the greatest line I ever wrote in one of these.

Loser: Lying To Your Constituents On Your First Day In Office

Lmao, no it wasn’t. Quite possibly, both Johnny and Laurel, whether it’s real life or The Challenge, will never again have an easier decision to make.

Winner: Getting This Party Started Early

89 bottles of beer on the wall, 89 bottles of beer…

You take one down, pass it around, 88 bottles of beer on the wall…

88 bottles of beer on the wall, 88 bottles of beer…

You take one down, pass it around, 87 bottles of beer on the wall…

You know, I’m gonna sing this song, and drive this bit into the ground as long as they keep doing the same. But when I began this journey last week, never in my wildest dreams did I imagine I’d get all the way down to 89 by the time episode one was complete. So I’m pot committed, and as you can see by the fact that I’m already two beers deep and we have barely started the episode, so are they.

If you’ll allow me to be a hypocrite and head over to the wave pool for just a minute, there’s one thing you can do for the remainder of the season for the sake of your own sanity. Just pay real, real close attention to the editing. Especially when it comes to these two. So far, almost every single time there is a cut to extraneous footage as soon as one of them says the other one’s name.

Don’t forget about the number one rule for watching reality television. We talk about it all the time around here, but I cannot stress it’s importance enough. Especially if the Challenge Gods are going to insist on being this ham-handed.

If you do not see the words being spoken by the person, in all likelihood, they did not say those words. At least in the way they’re being presented to you.

Okay, enough of this side-seat-driving bullshit, let’s get back to the lazy river and get back to drinking…

Winner: Amanda’s Eye Sockets

Many a mere mortal’s eyes would be found rolling around in the dirt had they attempted an eye roll as belligerent as that one.

Loser: One Way Tickets To The Moon

“I didn’t like you before, I don’t like you now, and I won’t like you after this”
— Amanda
“Spaceships don’t come equipped with a rear view mirror”
— Andre 3000

Whatever feeling is driving Amanda’s disposition towards Tori is between them, and while we can speculate, we don’t know these people’s lives. As badly as we’d like to think we do.

Amanda’s ability to harbor and nurture grudges is all-time stuff. I could watch her and Tori go at it all day.

But I’ll never get to do that.

Because it’s really, really, extremely difficult for me to envision a scenario where Amanda’s going to get the upper hand on Tori. Her constant tomato chucking is hardly putting a dent in Tori’s armor. In fact, it’s only making Amanda’s own armor weaker.

There’s something to be said for the strategy of making your one enemy so well known that it strengthens your position in the game with everyone else. Kyle used to do this all the time. By War of the Worlds 2, Kyle and Paulie were both on the same page with that whole dog and pony show.

Problem is, both players have to be relatively equal at #ChallengeStuff for it to work.

Amanda and Tori, at least as it applies to what matters in furthering yourself along the Monopoly board, are so far beyond equals it makes the tomato chucking slightly sophomoric.

Except this is a ride Amanda’s never going to be able to get off from. I guess, hypothetically, there could come a time where Amanda’s still going strong and Tori has moved on with her life. Or that Tori shows up to a season without a ton of friends and the entirety of the Lavender Lady Alliance is there. There’s no ruling out any single possibility in this world.

In all likelihood, though, Tori’s roots in this game are now so deep, and connected to thoroughly throughout the ecosystem, that even a disruptive parasite like Amanda (if there’s a way to call someone a disruptive parasite in the best way possible, I may have just found it) can’t and won’t be able to corrupt the foundation.

The real question is, above all else, does Amanda at all care about what I think?

No.

No she does not.

Winner: Beady Little Ferret Eyes

If anyone ever told me I had beady little ferret eyes I don’t think I’d ever leave the house again. At least not without sunglasses on. Not that it’s the meanest insult ever, it’s just so specific, pinpoint, and detailed, there’s no way I wouldn’t think about it every time I made eye contact with someone.

Winner: Non Linear Story Telling

Chopping everything up into segments and giving us the answer before we get the question was fantastic. I love when they try and mix the formula up a bit, even if it’s something small like this.

Winner: Being Young, Hot And In Love While The Rest Of Us Losers Look On In Envy From The Spaghetti Stained Couch Cushions Of Our Miserable Lives

Must be nice.

Loser: Not Reading Your History Textbooks

That’s a dangerous game Amanda’s playing, getting Cory all riled up while the scent of linguini lingers around his olfactory nerves. A dangerous, dangerous game.

Loser: The Abstract Meaning Of The Word In

Balls In implies the necessity of Balls needing to go In somewhere, right?

Why not just do the thing? I understand the safety aspect, and avoiding what happened to Cara on Free Agents during the first elimination was probably the smart thing to do. Or at least that’s what I think they were doing here.

I’d argue there is no single game these people play with a higher approval rating than Balls In. Even trivia can be a bit grating. But never in the history of Balls In (besides David and Enzo on USA Season 1 but they don’t count because Enzo should have never been allowed on the field in the first place) has there been an uninteresting match-up. Hell, even when it’s a total physical mismatch like Cohutta vs. Leroy, one of these days that desperate heave as they’re being tackled outside the boundary is going to go In.

If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it is a saying for a really, really good reason. This being a glaring, prime example.

Winner: #NoDaysOff

Lee, my guy, just say no one of these times. Let them suffer, it’ll only make them worse in the game. Look good, feel good, right? Well, see what happens to these vanity fueled people when their line-ups are scruffier than a nerf-herder.

Speaking of saying no, where in the hell did that barber chair come from? Did they source a barber chair in Vietnam and have it installed in the house? Is that just something you can order off Ikea? Do they have Ikea in Vietnam? Why are Vietnamese barber chairs the same as American ones? Surely somewhere in the world, there’s a different form of barber chair being used.

Anywho, the point is, there’s a barber chair in a Challenge house and if Leroy were to leave early, say, idk, after the first elimination, then what the hell are you supposed to do with it? Do they just return it?

Also, if Leroy gets a barber chair, why weren’t there fire hoses and dalmatians available in the All Stars 4 house? Seems a little unfair, don’t you think?

Loser: Algebra

Leroy was about as interested in that elimination round as I was in math class.

For many Leroy fans out there, it’s been a difficult run since he came back from retirement. Some may find it laborious continuing to believe that one day the stars will align and Leroy can become a Challenge Champion. And I don’t blame those people one bit. If being a Leroy fan these days is All Vibes, No Gas, than so be it.

Except I’m a Cubs fan. I was bred in the darkness. This is just part of the process. This is a part of life. Losing is real, whether we want to admit it or not. Michael Jordan claims the most important shots he ever took were the ones he missed. Those losses make that victory ever so sweeter.

So I’ll wait, patiently, for the day to come where I can celebrate along with the countless others who love Leroy for who he is above all else. This wait may go on forever. There’s plenty of Cubs fans who sadly passed away sometime in the winter of 2016.

Hope is the most intoxicating drug of them all. So I leave us all with the wise words, or in this case, the wise word of Julian Casablancas.

Someday, Leroy.

Someday.

Winner: Hearing A New Song Lyric On Your Favorite Record

It wasn’t until this confessional that I could personally confirm that Leroy and Devin even knew each other.

Have they met?

Seriously, like, have they even shaken hands and introduced themselves to one another?

Why is Devin taking shots at Leroy? Because he put Devin and Josh against each other on Double Agents? As far as I remember, the two of them lost to CT and Darrell that day. And weren’t even friends at the time anyways.

8 x 9, Josh. 8 x 9.

For real though, what did I miss?

Winner: Jobs So Easy You Cannot Believe Someone Gets Paid To Do Them

I am one hundred percent sure that on one of our alternate timelines, Mark Long has Vanna White’s job. And he’s spectacular at it.

Loser: Physical Eliminations

Idk, you guys are crazy. Watching them do tangerine puzzles is way better than this.

Freakin snoozefest, amirite?

Winner: Learning From Your Past Mistakes

This is both accurate and a perfect encapsulation of why Derrick lost the last time he did a pole wrestle. And we’ll get to his opponent, don’t worry.

Despite this not being brought up, Derrick actually is on a one game Pole Wrestle losing streak. And not to take any credit away from the guy who beat him, but I truly believe that a major reason why Derrick lost on All Stars 3 in a pole wrestle is because he transferred that exact mindset Tina is talking about directly into his opponent.

Believing you’re the underdog, even when you’re not, is a powerful tool when it comes to athletic competition. This is even more powerful in the opposite direction when you spend the majority of your career behaving that way, and then suddenly not.

Derrick chose his opponent on All Stars 3 because he thought it would be the easier route. He even said so himself. Which is wild considering he would know better than anyone else to ever be cast on this show how important that chip on your shoulder is when the lights are the brightest.

That’s what it is to be human though. To do something you know deep down is the wrong thing to do for reasons that may remain unclear for the remainder of your life.

It was probably easy for Derrick to regain that “nobody believes in me” edge this time around, even if it was synthetic, while standing across from Mark, who is somehow three inches taller than he was the last time we saw him.

Loser: Whichever Bootleg Version Of Lion King Jodi Watched

From what I remember, they mostly just sing and dance, but I haven’t seen that movie in awhile for personal moral and ethical reasons, so maybe there were chuffing scenes that have faded from my memory.

Winner: Personal Satisfaction

How do you think Nehemiah felt while watching this at home?

This guy the show just gassed up to being this ultimate Pole Wrestle master lost to Nehemiah in this exact game like eighteen months ago.

All that bullshit I just wrote before about how Derrick underestimated his opponent and all that, none of it matters.

Nehemiah beat Derrick in a pole wrestle. Straight up. The people editing this show are in a tough spot considering how many storylines and big personalities they have to squeeze into a cohesive episode of television. So sometimes things like Nehemiah collapsing this narrative of Derrick’s pole wrestle prowess are going to fall through the cracks.

But I know Nehemiah remembers. And I bet Derrick does too. However this season is going to play out for the two of them is for the universe to decide, but at least that night, while at home watching the episode, Nehemiah could sit comfortably with himself knowing that regardless of how much hot air they blow, the results are the results.

Nehemiah — 1 Pole Wrestle God — 0

Loser: Strange Pizza Toppings

I prefer pepperoni, but to each their own.

Winner: Being Yourself In Front Of The Camera

I know there’s probably people watching this at home rolling their eyes harder than Amanda and saying to themselves “Aneesa, why are you still acting this way?”

I go the other way.

Shocking, I know. But think about it…

It would have been really, really weird had Aneesa showed up to Season 40 and acted like a totally different person. We’d have called it phony. Or at least I would have. Entitled Aneesa is simply Aneesa.

We always ask for authenticity, right? Well, there you go. You got it.

Loser: Schedule Interruptions Throwing Off Your Entire Day

Rachel’s making it incredibly difficult for the two of them to record a podcast and I too, like Aneesa, think that she’s being very rude.

Winner: The Original New Hot Guy

Big shout out to Eric Neis. The OG OG. Little did he know when he walked into the first ever Real World house that he would spawn an entire industry of hot reality television dudes making a living off of being hot and on reality television.

Cory and his ilk should be regularly paying tribute to their Founding Father.

Winner: The Contact A Fly Swatter Makes Whilst Being Swatted Across A Human Cheek

I feel like Ayiiia with three i’s has a different take.

Loser: Thinking That Anything In This World Is 100%

The minute they showed this I knew one-hundred percent that Katie was about to put up a fight.

See, not only are you guys forty seasons deep, I’m forty seasons deep too. We’re forty seasons deep. Don’t think you’re getting this one passed me, or anyone else who have put in the hours in order to even get to this place. It’s all mustard upstairs, Challenge Gods. Pure acid. Be better.

Loser: Being Too Predictable

When we saw this shot in the trailer, let’s just be frank, we all knew it was Cara reacting to Katie putting Aneesa’s head in a leg lock. It was so obvious. What else could have been happening otherwise?

Winner: The Meaningless Nature Of Time

It’s 2024.

Katie from Road Rules and Aneesa The Real World are doing a pole wrestle live on MTV.

In these small moments that I imagine will often spring up as we journey along Season 40 together, it feels as if nothing bad has happened in my life. My biggest problems are once again losing a game of Goldeneye to my best friend and the fact that my parents won’t let me watch wrestling. These moments are when my inner child becomes outer me.

No stress, no grief, no anything at all.

Just Katie, Aneesa, the MTV logo, and a pole in the sand.

HOW LUCKY ARE WEEEEE!!!!

Winner: Time Being A Flat Circle For Everyone But Katie

The only piece of pre-season content I wrote (sorry, blame my new puppy Lana) was a full breakdown of all the elimination rounds Katie has been a part of, illuminating the various themes that have been constant throughout her entire Challenge life.

The Challenge: An Elimination Examination Vol. 4 — Katie

Eliminations are a funny thing. No aspect of The Challenge is more random. One day you can show up with a game tailor…

brianrbatty.medium.com

These are three of the major through-lines in that piece…

Katie is bad at basically everything.

Katie is the Cool Kid’s least liked friend.

Despite all of that, everyone from cast to fans at home understands why Katie belonged in the past, and why she belonged on Season 40.

Did that not all play out right in front of our faces once again? I wrote in that article that everyone in this game is allowed to change and grow, except for Katie. This idea remains the same. If Katie hadn’t gotten last place in the opening invitational free for all, there is no doubt in my mind her team would have voted her in anyways.

Time is a flat circle everywhere but the Challenge house. And to this day, as she always has, Katie remains as the only exception to that rule.

Winner: Returning To The Party

87 bottles of beer on the wall, 87 bottles of beer…

You take one down, pass it around, 86 bottles of beer on the wall…

Winner: The Best Of Times, Not The Worst Of Times

First thing’s first, when we were all living in a world where Gucci Mane regularly appeared doing guest verses on pop records, none of us knew how good we had it. Rappers rapping on pop songs is always a winner for me. Especially when you can feel that not only were they only there for the check, they had yet to interact with said pop star in any meaningful way beyond a potential music video.

Also, regardless of all that, both of Gucci’s verses on this song are dope.

Except I’m pretty sure he had no idea who he was rapping about.

Okay, now that we’re done with that, can we all just take a breathe and remember that Mariah fucking Carey released a diss track at Eminem.

Mariah Carey. Diss Track. Eminem.

That’s a thing that happened. That’s a world we were all living in.

Then Eminem responded…

You ever been in a toxic situation with an ex?

Was your ex one of the biggest pop stars in the world? Or one of the biggest rappers and most prolific diss rappers of all time?

If you think your business being aired out on Facebook by a bitter ex was bad, just remember that at least your bitter ex wasn’t Eminem.

Like I’ve been goin’ off on you for no reason, girl, you outta your alcoholic mind/Check your wine cellar look at the amounts of all the wine, like I sit around and think about you all the fucking time

The point of all this? As if it isn’t more obvious than ever, we used to be a real country.

Okay back to the party…

Winner: Partying To A Playlist Of Diss Tracks

86 bottles of beer on the wall, 86 bottles of beer…

You take one down, pass it around, 85 bottles of beer on the wall…

Winner: Religious Garb

Do you think that when the Vietnamese priests and nuns were shouting at each other about elimination votes back when this was still a church, they were dressed less or more ridiculous than these two are?

Tweet us your thoughts @fessyfitness and we’ll be back next week with the results!

Loser: Group Stink

With all the feet and shoes and protein farts and everything else, I cannot imagine what those tiny little rooms smelled like during hot and steamy mornings when everyone’s running ten miles before waiting around while Johnny takes forty five minutes to shower.

Winner: History Being Based On The Collective Memory Of Very Few

I’m not gonna check, but from what I remember between like Dirty 30 and War of the Worlds 2, Cara went to maybe a single elimination.

Just judging by their behavior so far in their short time on 40, Laurel and Cara were both extremely effected by both the happenings and results of All Stars 4. Cara’s equating the way she was treated the last time she was here with the way she’s been treated in the large chunk of seasons prior to that inside of her own mind. On the other hand, Laurel’s self-assuredness in her superiority to her life partner has shot to levels unseen before and the pressure gauge is very clearly deep in the red.

This can only end poorly.

I can’t wait.

Winner: The Wall, For It Contains All The Beer

85 bottles of beer on the wall, 85 bottles of beer…

You take one down, pass it around, 84 bottles of beer on the wall…

84 bottles of beer on the wall, 84 bottles of beer…

You take one down, pass it around, 83 bottles of beer on the wall…

83 bottles of beer on the wall, 83 bottles of beer…

You take one down, pass it around, 82 bottles of beer on the wall…

Or, or, maybe it’s that Cara’s absence further strengthens your political positioning as she’s the only other woman on the cast with an active interest in taking you out.

We drink either way, and that’s all that matters.

Loser: Me, On This Particular Valentine’s Day Weekend In The Year Of Our Lord 2016

I’ve only been to a psychic one time. It was in Gatlinburg, Tennessee, on a trip over Valentine’s Day weekend with my then girlfriend and another couple. At one point, we decided to stop in to see a psychic (not my idea) and we walked in and she sat me down and held my hands and closed her eyes and did a bunch of breathing stuff and then you know what she said to me?

“I feel that you have a lot of love in your life.”

Really?! No Shit. I had no idea.

I showed up to a tourist town on Valentine’s Day weekend with my girlfriend, yet through some cosmic power she managed to somehow deduce that I may potentially have love in my life.

Immediately after that, I stopped listening to anything she said. I used my cosmic powers of not giving a fuck in order to make my way to the end of the pre-paid session.

But you know what? Psychic abilities or not, that woman got my money. Which, similarly to Kellyanne and her situation, makes only one of us in this equation a total moron.

Winner: Making It This Far Into The Song, For I Truly Believe No Person Ever Has Before

82 bottles of beer on the wall, 82 bottles of beer…

You take one down, pass it around, 81 bottles of beer on the wall…

Loser: Bad Roommates, The Lot Of Ya

Sweet Jesus. What the fuck. People, please. Group living 101. Bring your dish back to the kitchen. I haven’t lived in a setting like this since college, and even all these years later, my body reacted negatively to the disgusting situation atop this common area table.

Winner: Paulie’s Dream Of Etching His Name In Stone Along Side The Rest Of The Challenge Legends

Just like Shauvon.

Until Paulie plays through a busted implant and a tramp stamp, I don’t want to hear anything from him or his girlfriend about glory.

Okay, but since we’re here, I just wanted to take a moment to point out something that I’ve never noticed before. You know what the title of that episode is?

The Booby Trap

That’s the funniest thing a Challenge producer has ever done. If there’s any justice in the world, whoever came up with that idea is running Viacom right now.

Loser: The Message Behind The Message

Look, I understand that the idea of the David vs. Goliath story is to believe in yourself despite the insurmountable odds. I get it. I really do. It’s a parable. Except there’s one little detail of that story I feel gets totally overlooked by everyone and has bothered me since I was a little kid stuck in CCD.

David had a gun.

Technically a slingshot, but in the parlance of our times, this would have been the equivalent of Paulie shooting Theo in the kneecap with a handgun he pulled out of his back pocket after losing round one. Which definitely would have been an interesting strategy. Now there’s some glory for ya!

The real message of that story is that no matter what, you should always believe in yourself. As long as you have a projectile.

Loser: Leaking Spinal Fluid

I wonder if Paulie was so concussed, that in this moment, he thought he busted an implant.

Loser: Tyronn Lue

What’s crazy is that despite Allen Iverson being a Hall of Fame basketball player, Theo is like seven inches taller than him. And since we’re here, other than coaching the 2016 Cavaliers to the greatest upset in NBA history, I can’t think of a single thing Paulie and Tyronn Lue have in common.

Which is a shame because these moments really do look a lot alike if you did too deeply into it.

Winner: Paulie

Nobody in the world watches less reality tv than the people on reality tv. At least if you ask them. I’ve always given reality television people an Amanda sized eye roll when they say they don’t watch the show they’re on. Bachelor people are the most guilty of this. But Challenge people do it a lot too, so I give Paulie a lot of credit for straight up saying he can’t wait to watch himself on television like five minutes after he just got totally embarrassed while being filmed for television.

Now that’s real honesty right there.

Respect, Paulie.

Speaking of….

Loser: The Result Of This Elimination Round

This result was worst case scenario. And that has nothing to do with either Paulie or Theo.

Any time that playing a boring game is reinforced as a good idea is a bad this for us at home. Playing the game the way Paulie does, loud and brash, is absolutely the wrong way to play. This is by far the most unavoidable and unsolvable issue The Challenge has going for it.

What has now become the best, most efficient, safest way to play The Challenge is by far the most boring way for us at home and the most difficult way for the Challenge Gods to make interesting.

Somehow, this is probably Kaycee’s fault.

Seeing the physical representation of playing The Challenge incorrectly get punched in the mouth in such a loud, brash way, will sadly only dilute the chances of such an unfortunately rare occurrence ever appearing again.

Winner: Being The Bigger Person

Wait a minute, Nurys, you’re telling me after everything she did to you last season, you still don’t hate Olivia?

That’s maturity right there, folks. Take notes.

No, but in all seriousness, has anybody been able to figure out what the two of them are beefing about yet?

Winner: The Power Of Editing

Funny enough, that conversation subtitled above was actually being had by Tori and Brandon in the back there. Nurys was only asking Horacio for advice about a potential trade she was just sent in her fantasy baseball league.

According to my inside source who has close friendships with several cast members, for those wondering, she did end up accepting the offer.

Loser: Five Kids, Even If The Starting Point Was Eight

Eight?

Eight kids?

Horacio and Nurys are two of like three people on this cast without children, and here they are trying to top all of their roommates combined.

Eight? And he had to be talked down to five?

Wait a minute….

….what’s that sound….

….is that a stationary bike?

For some reason eight kids now seems a little low.

Winner: The Wicked Lies We Tell

This is called visual storytelling, people.

Whatever this supposed beef between the two of them was born in person, and yet persisted and continued breathing almost entirely online. Between the time when that Season 39 episode aired and now, all sides being taken, and any verbal jabs being thrown, were being almost entirely outsourced. The fans were the only ones keeping the heart on this thing beating.

So to have the space between them go from the infinite abyss of cyberspace to this tiny little hallway where there are no fans, there are no Instagram comments, and there are no Reddit posts was a poetic ending to an incredibly un-poetic story. These are now just two people in about as real of a situation as there can be.

Must have been pretty claustrophobic in there. I felt no sense of surprise at all when the two of them didn’t exactly know how to handle it. Paulie and Theo unsafely banging directly into each other makes sense in the same way. For them, everything was on the surface, in the open. I mean, for fucks sake, Paulie kissed him in the middle of an argument once and Theo’s reaction was to say “That’s tasty!”

The space between Olivia and Nurys shrunk too rapidly for them to comprehend. Those wicked lies were no longer there to keep them safe from the pain.

I bet if we ran this back a year from now, it might be a much different fight.

Or not, because, well, Devin, your thoughts?

Winner: Devin

There’s also that.

While all the bullshit I may have just spewed above sounded good, at it’s core, this is a contact event. Even if Paulie’s currently leaking spinal fluid, the contact is the singular most important aspect of this event.

Meaning that regardless of beef or what it is or where it came from, Olivia was probably going to win this match-up no matter what.

Hall Brawl is a really awesome elimination round…until you give it like fifteen seconds of thought. In a way, though, it makes sense that a barbaric game like that works best when you give it as little consideration of it’s merits as possible.

Winner: Gambling, To Pass The Time If Nothing Else

We’ll never know the answer to this, but I would do anything to find out what the gambling situation is like in the house. Do they bet on elimination match-ups they’re not in? Daily challenges? Does the crew bet with each other? Does TJ? He lives in Las Vegas, I’m sure by osmosis he understands betting lines.

Every interview I see always asks them the same stupid “how did it feel to compete with/against x?” and nobody ever asks who’s the biggest mark in the house and which one of them runs the books.

Loser: Not Seeing The Bigger Picture

Horacio, it’s okay. You still have Josh. Calm down, everything’s gonna be fine.

Winner: Booting And Rallying

81 bottles of beer on the wall, 81 bottles of beer…

You take one down, pass it around, 80 bottles of beer on the wall…

80 bottles of beer on the wall, 80 bottles of beer…

You take one down, pass it around, 79 bottles of beer on the wall…

Loser: Taking Fandom One Step Too Far

Who’s the crazy looking, basement dwelling, premium OnlyFans account holding, smelly, superfan who broke into their house to carry around photos of all his favorite moments?

Oh, whoops, sorry, my bad, that’s CT. Arguably the greatest to ever do it. Who just boat raced every other dude there in a relay race just a handful of hours prior to this.

America’s fifth sport!

Loser: Whichever Asshole Production Assistant Spent (Wasted) Time Hanging Those Frames Perfectly Straight

What’s crazy about this scene, is that if this were a daily challenge, he’d have managed to hang that picture back up immediately.

Winner: The 70s

79 bottles of beer on the wall, 79 bottles of beer…

You take one down, pass it around, 78 bottles of beer on the wall…

If we do manage to finish this song by the end of the season, I really don’t know how I’ll feel about it. I may never want to see the two of them ever again. I may never want to drink beer again, even metaphorically via blog post.

But as of now, that’s a bridge we’ll cross when we burn it. Instead, tonight, we party atop Moron Mountain with the Challenge Gods.

Winner: Finding New Ways To Say Already Unique Names

Never, ever, not even once have I heard someone call her Kelly.

Kelly?

It sounds so weird to say her name that way. Kelly is a totally different person than Kellyanne. Even if they are technically the same person. I just feel like her life would have been something else entirely had she merely been Kelly.

This reminds me of how Phaedra would pronounce CT’s name on The Traitors. Where she’d put the emphasis on the C rather than the T. Try saying it out loud. To be honest, it’s a way more fun way to do it. I’m not sure why no one had ever tried it before.

Or like during The Last Dance when Horace Grant would emphasize the J in MJ, rather than the M like everyone else.

For the last ninety seconds I’ve been sitting here on my couch attempting to say my name in a different, cooler way. I got nothing. Brian is sort of what it is. You could do the Bri-Anne pronunciation, but that’s as good as I’ve got and it doesn’t really make my name sound cooler. What a shame. Why couldn’t my parents have named me something cool like Kellyanne?

Loser: 4:40pm On Friday

A longgggg time.

Winner: Cara Maria’s Number One Rule Of Fashion

Winner: What The Guy With The Unnecessarily Loud Speaker System In His Car Thinks You’re Doing Inside Your Now Vibrating House When He Drives By

This will be the first and only time I post a TikTok I promise believe me I hated myself for doing it and I now feel as if this blog is meaningless, but I couldn’t for the life of me find the video I was looking for. I think it was even pre-Youtube days. It was a group of nerdy looking white kids who run up to the window and go crazy cheering on a guy with a loud car driving past their house. Whatever, it doesn’t matter anymore. We’re here now.

Point being, for years, Paulie and Cara have been driving a loud car, and love doing so.

Winner: Cats And Dogs Cohabitating

Me in my head while watching this episode: “That’s a weird thing to say”

My girlfriend immediately out loud: “That’s exactly what I was thinking about”

Life is all about perspective, people.

Loser: The Glory Of The Challenge

You can add “tossing a cinder block between your legs mere centimeters away from my gonads” to the ever-growing list of reasons why I would never do this show.

That’s one hell of a way to bust an implant.

Winner: Whoever This Guy Is Wearing The Ryan Suit

My mans is locked the fuck in. Fuck the fuck yeah, Ryan. I think it’s safe to say one of them “wanted it more” than the other one did. Until Brandon can make the same face Shauna made while digging into Jackie on Yellowjackets, I don’t wanna hear shit about which game he would have beaten Ryan at instead of this one.

Loser: Being Forced To Finish Your Shift After They Already Fired You

By this point, how long have Mark and Katie been standing there stewing in their own defeat full well knowing that none of this matters at all to them personally and that home is just a plane ride away?

Five hours?

Six hours?

I’d have left. I can’t believe they managed to get Katie to stick around, honestly.

Winner: Whoever Chose The Grey Uniform Tights

Same.

Loser: Again Forgetting That It’s Our Fortieth Season Too

You know what I thought when Laurel said this?

That that wasn’t the last piece, and that she’s not opening the door.

How many times do I have to prove to you people populating The Land of the Challenge Gods that you have raised a fanbase to be pure 100% organic grass-fed acidic yellow mustard upstairs and that we’re not here to suffer your bullshit?

I speak for the people, a voice for the voiceless, when I implore you to be better and to leave these silly tricks for silly little shows like Survivor and Big Brother where the fans will tune in no matter how sloppy you make the Sloppy Joes.

While we may like every other aspect of the game a lot more sloppy over here in Challenge world. But, when it comes to our Sloppy Joes, we don’t fuck around.

Winner: Cara Freakin’ Maria

While she may have an inflated sense of persecution since she made her return, there is no denying that Cara Maria is a fucking beast. Take the Final of All Stars 4 out of the equation, when her back’s been against the wall, all she’s done is win. They haven’t all been the prettiest wins, let’s not forget her and Rachel’s axe throwing date, but a W is a W and you can only play the schedule in front of you.

I’ve always admired Cara’s ability to seem defeated on the surface while still being able to mange pulling something out from deep inside of her, to stop at nothing in order to win, no matter the circumstances. Tough hang or not, that’s not what this game is about. Cara Maria, in so many ways, embodies everything this game is about.

Having her back is a treat, and it’s more obvious than ever how much we missed having her in this world. Begrudgingly or not, and as miserable as she was towards the end of War of the Worlds 2, there is no denying the truth that watching Cara compete in these things is as electric to watch as ever.

Winner: Vietnam Vets

Damn, shout out to Ryan’s Dad. Shout out to Johnny’s Dad. Shout out to my Dad. Shout out to anyone’s Dad who got stuck going over to that hellscape for reasons which to this day remain unclear.

Every day since my father passed, even this very morning, I’ve imagined a new question or confusion about his life that I wanted to sit down and ask him about. Lately, more than ever, it’s been about his time over there in Vietnam. This season has really greased the skids on that particular wheel in my head. Sadly enough, by his final years I doubt I would have been able to get a real answer on any of it. Luckily though, as it is, my mom has done a decent job of filling in the gaps.

But for Ryan’s Dad, Johnny’s Dad, anyone else’s Dad, who can proudly say they came home from that, this was a complicated time in their lives which led to some pretty fucking dope music but also indirectly led to cable news. Complicated times indeed. If you have that connection in your life, regardless of what the familial relationship may be, if you’re ever curious about any of it, I cannot stress enough the importance of asking the questions you want to ask.

Things got pretty saccharine for a minute there. Let’s get back on track. I know just the trick.

I feel better. Wouldn’t want to actually feel feelings or anything like that. Continuing to ponder the eternal question of “Did Jemmye, Sylvia, or Veronica fart?” is way healthier.

Winner: Production Making Everyone Think There’s A Redemption House Just To Fuck With Them

I hope the producers fuck with them like this the entire game. I don’t want anything to be static. Fuck it. Why not? Let’s just make this season make as little sense as possible so we end up with something hilarious Aneesa vs. Josh as the last two standing in the Final.

That’s right! I’m ready to smoke every strain of The Challenge all at once with everybody reading these. If I’m going to the looney bin, I want it to be with all of you. I don’t give a fuck.

Loser: Additional Baby Sitter Fees

Paulie, is that your dick or are you just happy to see me?

Loser: The Details Giving It All Away

Not only that, but it’s usually in slow motion for no reason at all. As far as I can tell, these people are all moving at regular speed. That’s when I knew for sure something was fishy.

Loser: Us, For Losing This Group Of People, As Necessary As It May Be

Quite a few of my favorite human beings to ever live are standing in that group of losers. As conflicted as my heart is now, I can only imagine how much worse it’s going to get. Growing up sucks, man.

Winner: Glomming On To Taylor Swift References To Trick Us Into A Phony Dopamine Hit

Love a good karma vote.

What’s a karma vote?

Can the fans at home assign numbers to our favorite Challenge people too?

It the karma vote similar to the Flora Star System we discovered on All Stars 4?

For real though, love a good ole karma vote.

But, really, what is it though?

Winner: Keeping The Brand Strong

While I remain sane enough to understand that this show is never speaking directly to me personally, I cannot help but feel the most seen and heard I ever have since I began watching this show.

Leroy giving Aneesa a five then saying I love you is everything I’ve ever wanted in my life, and I didn’t even know it.

I love you too, Aneesa. And you Leroy. And you sitting at home reading this, I love you too.

Johnny’s facial hair this season though? Eh, still hit or miss.