The Challenge 40: Battle of the Eras Episode 1 Recap — Winners & Losers

Welcome back to a fresh recap for The Challenge Season 40 Battle of the Eras Episode One! I know I made you wait all weekend, so let’s not waste any more time. Inside this week: We ride the lazy river, CT and Brad meet for the first time, I give my hottest Challenge take ever, and much much more…

Winner: Big Numbers

Has it really been 400?

That’s, like, a lot, right?

Seems wrong, but this show has never lied to me before. Why start now?

What’s that?

They lie to us all the time?

Huh?

They’re lying to us most of the time?

Wow. Who knew. Brb, gonna go count the Challengers and see if I can find 400 of them.

Winner: The Glory Of Wasted Bathroom Products

That’s right! Glorious victories! As an example, here’s the time a woman managed to wrap herself up like a mummy with toilet paper faster than another woman, sending the losing woman, who’s here instead of the winning woman, for what it’s worth, into a fit of tears, sadness, and worst of all, shame.

What a show we watch.

Winner: Socialized Medicine

At first, I felt the same way about 94 champions as I did 400 competitors. Seems like a lot. Then I remembered the early years where you could have accidentally won a championship while having a bare minimum low-level vodka buzz going throughout the process.

That number of champions only feels high because in the last ten years Cara Maria, Johnny, CT, or Jordan have basically won all of them while the rest of the group (or, in other words, every single person in Era 3 not named Jordan) fought for discarded table scraps along the way.

Speaking of made up stats, according to my gorilla math here, almost one fourth of all Challenge competitors have won a championship. This makes it seem like something that’s not that difficult to do. Maybe they’re all just full of shit. Maybe none of them are really that athletic at all.

Editing tricks, they’ll get you every time.

Winner: Road Trip Games

In a time before phones, when we would just have to be bored in the car if there was nothing to read, I’m sure I speak for many when bring up playing the always fun game of “what’s inside of that semi-truck?”

Maybe that’s still a thing, idk, I’m usually the one driving now. If you’re a kid out there reading this, please don’t reach out I don’t think that’s really allowed. But have a parent or guardian do it, and let me know if that’s still a thing. Also, if you are a kid reading this, there is no fucking way in shit damn hell that you have understood any of the Billy Madison references over the years. For that I’m sorry. My internal Bluey rolodex isn’t quite as robust.

Is Bluey still a thing? Is he related to Blue from Blue’s Clues in any way? Or is there some scientific thing where kids are drawn to blue dogs in some way? Speaking of blue animals…

Some out there pride themselves on their work ethic. Some pride themselves on their integrity. Others, their loyalty.

For me? I pride myself on always, no matter what, no matter the moment in any given Challenge episode, being able to bring it home.

Let’s get on with the chlorophyll!

Winner: Childhood Dreams Coming To Life

I’d be lying if I didn’t say this exact scenario is one of the answers I would day dream about bursting from the semi-truck my father was angrily passing in the left lane during those boring road trip times.

“What if all of my favorite people from MTV just burst out of that semi-truck and saved me from this endless, flat, nothingness that is the state of Illinois the minute Chicago is no longer visible”

Kids, if you wait long enough, your dreams can and will come true.

Loser: The Other Half Of The Truth

Right, sure, it does sorta do that. On the other hand, one could easily argue that it also brings the worst out of people, like, wayyyyyyy more often.

But yeah, sure. Hippy dippy, everybody’s here to compete and have fun and jump off stuff and cheer for each other. Welcome back Emily!

Also, just a side note, how long were these people stuck in that crate for? Jordan and Tony have already sweat through their shirts. If it were just Jordan I’d have thought, oh he must have just finished up a 345k run, whatevs. But Tony’s sweat causes me to think that wasn’t the case and that had production gotten distracted and forgotten about them, each and every single one of them could have very easily died.

Would’ve been one hell of a way to go out.

If that were to have happened, I wonder if Kenny and Evan would get a call for Season 41?

Winner: Versatility

Like garlic powder.

Tell you what, recently I’ve been using garlic powder instead of actual garlic while cooking just to save some time and money (the hipster ass co-op that’s within walking distance of my apartment sells garlic for over a dollar a bulb and honestly at a certain point my intelligence is insulted and you can all go fuck yourselves, and buying bulk garlic from Aldi is only so good because it’s the most delicate garlic in the world and easily burns), and I gotta say, the difference is not that noticeable. Cooking for company or if I’m making tomato sauce is one thing, but honestly, it’s been a really helpful, albeit obvious, change.

Brian’s Kitchen Pro-Tip #1. You’re welcome.

Loser: Seeing Certain Things In Person That Look Cool On TV

Okay, I know this isn’t Las Vegas, but if you’re ever going for the first time, and seeing the Bellagio fountains is important to you, I cannot stress this enough, just understand that you will be approached by no less than three dozen sex workers during the duration of your wait between showings. Less so during peak times, but anything after ten pm, it’s hunting season, and morons who want to watch fountains go ZOOM and WOOSH are prime targets.

This will also happen to you for the entire time you’re there, don’t get me wrong (I promise you are not that funny, handsome, or charming and that these women are not interested in you beyond transactionaly. It’s always amazing how many of my friends fall for it. Not one single woman has ever approached you at a bar back in Chicago, and yet here in Vegas you’re suddenly Frank Sinatra and Fredo Corleone bangin’ cocktail waitresses two at a time and women just cannot get enough of your charm from afar. Sure, sure, sure.), but outside of those fountains was something I had never experienced before.

Not knocking the hustle, they’re just tryna get by, but be prepared is all I’m saying.

Winner: Man Tears

Winner: The Lochness Monster

It’s funny, I’ve never seen this part of The Duel II. When I log-in to my Paramount+ account that I somehow pay three dollars more for than I did when I initially signed up, all I see is that The Duel II begins with Episode 2. Which would be weird, but considering this season began with Episode 0, what do numbers really even mean in this world?

Boy, CT sure does look mad. This must have been after the elimination or something because he’s not on any of the other episodes available for us to watch. Also, who’s that Canadian man following him around?

Winner: Keeping A Level Head

Haven’t checked myself, but I can only imagine that the reactions to this moment on social media were thoughtful, respectful, and rational.

Winner: The Power That One Measly Letter Wields Within A Single Word

While innocent all around, the distance in meaning between the letter ‘d’ and the letter ‘b’ in front of -oobies is quite vast.

These Philo closed captions being placed directly across the face of the people speaking isn’t ideal, but if whichever AI chatbot is handling this job has the ordacity to continue making these hilarious little mistakes all season long, well then count me in.

Also, count me in for the doobie reunion. I’d love to get high with Aneesa and Johnny and just let them tell me stories for hours. Maria Menunos would definitely interrupt to say “hmmmm i hear there were some closet make outs that didn’t see the final cut…Derek, looking at you!”, but now that I’m thinking about it that’s actually what most people want to watch which explains why I’m sitting here in three day old sweatpants and not hosting the reunion specials.

Winner: The Challenge, Changing Lives For The Better For Over Thirty Nine Seasons

Jenny’s back!

I see she’s been hitting the gym in her time away. Her fitness journey is something to marvel at. Considering where she started, and to see where she is now, it’s truly awe inspiring.

If you ever need fit inspo, and wonder if you should drop down onto the floor and do a few sit-ups right this second, this is what Jenny looked like on her debut season.

Winner: Trying Something New On The Biggest Stage

Wait, so you’re telling me that for this opening challenge, they have to race to Point A, solve a puzzle, race to Point B, then return to Point A?

Groundbreaking.

We are so back!!!

Winner: Relinquishing Control

There are two ways to watch this show. You can either cruise the lazy river, or fight the wave pool.

This opening challenge, and the way it was edited, and shot, and everything else, lets just all be honest with each other for a second, was probably much different in reality than it was on television. At least as far as order of operations goes.

The only things I’m convinced happened as they say they happened are the winners and losers from each group. When the rest of them finished, and in what order relative to the other 39 people, is both a fabrication as well as irrelevant.

To take the lazy river is to understand those things and instead choose to not give a singe fuck.

To fight the wave pool is to “well ackchualy” your way through moments like these. For the benefit of absolutely not a single person in the entire world, including, most importantly, yourself.

I’m not here to tell you which part of the water park to play in, I’m just letting you know I’ll be over here drifting along the lazy river, smoking doobies with Aviv.

Loser: Fetch, And All Of It’s Derivatives

In so many ways I envy those of you who did not watch Season 39, for you are now living life in a reality which says Olivia and Nurys betrayed each other in ways which make Johnny stealing money from Sarah seem antiquated.

Those of us that did labor through Season 39 know the unfortunate truth. Which is that we already forgot what these two are even beefing about in the first place.

Winner: A Crisp, Cold, Refreshing Beverage On A Hot Summer’s Day

99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer…

You take one down, pass it around, 98 bottle of beer on the wall…

98 bottles of beer on the wall, 98 bottles of beer…

You take one down, pass it around, 97 bottles of beer on the wall…

97 bottles of beer on the wall, 97 bottles of beer…

You take one down, pass it around, 96 bottles of beer on the wall…

Winner: Being Day Drunk, Without Having Planned On Doing So, Seeing That It’s Barely 1:30 In The Afternoon, And Knowing The World Is Now Your Oyster

96 bottles of beer on the wall, 96 bottles of beer…

You take one down, pass it around, 95 bottles of beer on the wall…

I’ve already had four beers, believe me, I’m enjoying myself.

Loser: Cedric Diggory

Do corn mazes count as puzzles?

Because if so, then Johnny’s being incredibly disrespectful to the entire Diggory family right now.

Also, Cedric Diggory…overrated? Why was he always trying to help his opponent? Why was everyone always trying to help Harry? I understand the ghosts and shit because he was the only one who took the time to talk to them and what not, but the humans? Harry mostly just spent his time at Hogwarts making everyone else’s time there incredibly difficult. Like there was some Gryffindor going to school at the same time as them who was just trying to graduate and move on with his life. And that person found themselves in genuine peril all the time because Harry couldn’t just fucking relax for ten minutes.

Oh, right, it’s because he’s rich. Must be nice.

Winner: CT Pro Tips

This is fun. I’m having fun.

CT Pro Tip

Three words, not a ton of letters, yet kinda takes awhile to say out loud. Go ahead and give it a try. Took longer than you thought it would right?

Pretty cool stuff, man. Pretty cool stuff.

Loser: Kaycee, If She Fucks This Up

Well then you better fucking win Kaycee. Nany’s happiness is pretty fucking important to me so you better not fuck this up. That’s precious god damn cargo you’re responsible for. Go fucking do some push-ups or something. Have you seen Jenny? Have you seen Rachel? Have you seen Jordan?

I know Spies, Lies, And Allies was pretty easy for you with dipshits like Bettina running around biting at your ankles, but this is the big leagues now. Get your shit right, get in the gym, get on the treadmill, and keep Nany happy for fuck’s sake.

Sorry for swearing.

Loser: Porduckshin Rigging Bullshit

How can that not be right? How are they just blatantly choosing favorite like this?

Tony, if you’re reading this, I see you. I hear you. I’m listening to you. They didn’t want you to win on this day. It’s very clear to me the jig was up. And you’re just another victim in the long line of victims of Challenge Producer malpractice (Tyson, Domenick, anyone from Challenge USA Season 1 who was forced into doing something as sick and sadistic as a sudoku (!) (I know, it’s still astonishing to me the insurance underwriters even allowed such a thing) who need to band together and get Justin Tooth and the rest of the people who don’t know their face from their ass fired off on a one way ticket to the moon!

Winner: That Picture Where Sometimes It’s A Duck And Sometimes It’s A Rabbit

Sometimes I hear that and think, wow, 26 eliminations! That’s impressive. That speaks to longevity, which I think is an underrated variable for these people. To compete in 26, you must have won quite a few. That speaks to versatility, toughness, calmness under pressure.

Other times I hear that and think, wow, 26 eliminations. Not super impressive. That speaks to a poor political game. To have found yourself in 26 eliminations means that a fair amount of people over the years have felt comfortable saying your name in voting situations….

You know what, I’m bailing on the second part. I don’t like to speak ill on Aneesa’s name, even if I’m just being fair and speaking on the facts in front of me. I ride for Aneesa forever. When I write my Challenge book one day, her chapter is the one I look forward to writing the most.

Winner: Problem Solving Skills

Okay, I’m gonna defend Cory (and inadvertently Nicole) in this whole triangle debacle for a minute.

Sure, what really happened is that they ignored logic and allowed extraneous details to take them so far off track they could never possibly get back.

Or, another way to look at it, is that once they realized that simply counting the triangles was out of the picture, what happened next actually showed a lot of ingenuity. They started thinking outside of the box (and the rules) and began trying things like counting the triangles within the letters of the instructions and breaking the lock physically so the producers would have no choice but to penalize them and let them move on. They even suggested the somewhat genius idea of picking up the puzzle and carrying it with them to the finish line.

Again, none of this is the right thing to do. But when presented with a situation where you’re banging your head against your own intellectual abilities, I respect the fact that Cory didn’t simply continue banging his head. Rather, he leapt back down to the ground and searched for another way out.

While the outcome may have been, ya know, not great, a major part of me respects the approach.

Loser: Looking For Credit For Doing Your Job

For what it’s worth, what I’m going to say next does not apply to Cory. He’s an adult with a family and responsibilities and The Challenge isn’t his full-time job. I don’t know what those responsibilities are or if he even receives a W2 each year, but that’s irrelevant.

Whenever I read about a basketball player “working on his jump shot in the off-season” in a way that gives them credit for doing so, the only thing I can think is, well what else are they supposed to be doing?

“Tori in accounting, she’s really been working on her skills in Microsoft Excel!”

“Helen in HR has been reading up on sexual harassment in the workplace!”

“Priyanka the CEO has really beefed up on her knowledge of budget cuts!”

Not a single member of the world’s workforce gets credit for doing the job they’re being paid to do more than professional athletes do. I guess that’s the perks they get for being financially compensated far less than unimportant jobs like teachers and social workers.

Thanks for stopping into my sermon, everyone. There’s grainy coffee and dry cookies in the back, help yourselves.

Winner: The Director Of Photography

Was Michael Mann involved in this?

Loser: The Idiots Who Designed The Life Boats On The Titanic

Why didn’t they just put neon lights on everything, were they fucking stupid or something?

Winner: A Containable Buzz

95 bottles of beer on the wall, 95 bottles of beer…

You take one down, pass it around, 94 bottles of beer on the wall…

Winner: Partying

94 bottles of beer on the wall, 94 bottles of beer…

You take one down, pass it around, 93 bottles of beer on the wall…

93 bottles of beer on the wall, 93 bottles of beer…

You take one down, pass it around, 92 bottles of beer on the wall…

92 bottles of beer on the wall, 92 bottles of beer…

You take one down, pass it around, 91 bottles of beer on the wall…

Winner: Winners Winning No Matter What

No matter the age, the competition, the game itself, the best Challenge people will always be the best Challenge people.

Winner: That One Time Jordan Called Tori A Terrorist

I believe it was five or six weeks after this interaction above where Jordan sat down across from Tori and called her a terrorist. Then elaborated with, “a terrorist of love.”

This was taken seriously by only one of them.

But like most of us who got engaged to another Challenge person, broke up, then lived and competed with each other multiple times since, they’ve moved on to the other side. They’ve reached the best part of any Challenge relationship. They can now use the other one as an excuse to get out of making hard voting decisions, and it doesn’t come off as phony. Most times you have to film a season of The Real World together to establish this dynamic. Though some would argue that a public couple like them were producing their own version of a season of The Real World everyday through social media, but that’s a different podcast for a different day.

Loser: My Dumbass Point From Earlier

When I was all like “oh winners winning wins” or whatever earlier, what I failed to account for was what led Michele to her win here in her Era.

She put in the work.

Not the work at the gym. The Challenge work. Michele’s filmed like eleven seasons of this show since she showed up on the scene six months ago. So what she’s experiencing here with this win, and what I’m predicting here will be more wins to come in the future, is a sort of Challenge Inertia that happens when you just do shit like solve a puzzle and paddle out to another place in order to solve a different puzzle a ton of times in a short amount of time. That’s #ChallengeBullshit 101. May as well be muscle memory for her.

Never did I expect Michele to get to this point, but I’m buying all the Michele stock anyone’s selling as far as her Challenge prospects moving forward. She’s also the type of person this world has the tendency to chew up before spitting back out a version of themselves who desperately needs therapy.

But either way, everyone on both sides of the TV are gonna have a good time along the journey, which is all we can ask for within this desperate hellscape we call modern society.

Winner: Pillow Talk

“Babe, I was watching RedIsNotAFlavor videos on Youtube, and this Modelo ad came up, and guess who’s stupid perfect little hands were opening the bottle?”

“Was it Steve?”

“It was fucking Steve.”

“It’s three in the morning, Adam, why don’t you put the phone down and get some rest.”

“See? Look at that? He barely even got it open in one try!”

Loser: That Paddle

You know what? That flimsy ass paddle shouldn’t have been in the boat in the first place. Not your fault, Katie.

1 — I’ve already thrown it into this article once, but I think we should all start a movement to bring dipshit back into the lexicon. What an incredible word spoken by an incredible human.

2 — Picture Fessy and Josh having this exact interaction. Can AI do stuff like that yet?

3 — I don’t really want anyone from Era 1 to get eliminated. I kinda just want to watch them hang out and interact. More so than any of the other Era’s, their presence to me is so much less about the competition than it is getting to spend quality time with them for a little over an hour a week.

Winner: The Reality TV Human Generator

If you know you know, but tell me Paulie doesn’t look exactly like Noah from Tayshia’s Bachelorette season from hell in this picture.

Winner: Not Failing, Just Feeling At Home

They’re not struggling, they’re thriving!

These are my people, and I understand them. You know why they’re all still out in the water, because that’s where they feel most comfortable. Because that’s where pool parties take place. Leroy?!?!? The fucking king of the pool party. Being out in the water at night with neon lights glowing and hotties in spandex everywhere you look, their natural instinct is to stay.

You can’t be upset at a beaver for building a dam, ya know?

Loser: Making A Big Deal Out Of Nothing

This is what I’m talking about when it comes to editing. As far as we know, he was right behind Laurel.

Loser: The Middle Group

Wow, look at that. How much better did that sound?

I promise I’ll let this go one day.

Not the Sudoku thing, though. I’m gonna take shots at those people every single chance I get. Also, I’ve checked, and a Sudoku has been in every single newspaper every single day since the finale of USA Season 1 aired. They obviously listened to Tyson’s complaints, because that’s definitely a new thing.

Loser: Woman

Wasn’t it the best when Woman stole Johnny’s key on The Island?

Winner: Jump Scares

Just when you thought we were hitting a lull, the shrieking monster emerges, fangs out, from under the bed.

Winner: The Challenge

What a thing to say. What a show we watch. What a world we live in.

I feel a song coming on…

I know you remember this from last week…

All together now…

HOW LUCKY ARE WEEE!!!!

Winner: Being Not Like Other Shows

You guys see how much fun they have here? It’s not all about working out and competition. Sometimes there’s good old fashioned disease spreading to bring levity to the proceedings.

Loser: Drenching Your Breakfast In Hot Sauce

This was the Sriracha bottle at the beginning of this breakfast scene.

Here is it by the end.

Sweet baby Jesus.

Was there a bonus “drench your breakfast in Sriracha” challenge they didn’t air?

Winner: Veterans

As many of you who have been reading these recaps know, I recently lost my father, a veteran of the Vietnam War as Johnny proudly announces his father was as well. It did strike me as a bit poetic, personally at least, that the season which is a love letter to the fans of this show, was written from a country that holds a special place in maybe not my heart, but at least my mind.

Both my Dad and his brother hardly ever spoke about their time over there, but I do know it meant a lot. One of the last weekends I was able to spend with him was taking him to a battleship resembling the one he spent time on parked a few hours away from where he lived his final days in North Carolina. Wheeling him around to the different nooks and crannies of the ship, I could almost see the memories churning throughout his cancer ridden body. It’s a day I’ll never forget.

Did I expect to get choked up this season? Absolutely I did. Did I expect it to be while watching Johnny Bananas talk game strategy during breakfast with Paulie and Amanda? No, I certainly did not.

This show can really take you to some magical places if you let it.

As it has been since I hit send on every article I’ve written since February 28th, 2023, in the words of Johnny Bananas, a man you never knew of while simultaneously meaning a lot to your family, Dad, this recap’s for you.

Winner: The Funny Places Life Takes You

Watching Tony and Cory talk Challenge philosophy in this scene was like a fever dream. I could’ve used fifteen more minutes of this.

Here we have two guys who got so distracted by everything else that The Challenge has to offer, that they hardly even noticed while the old guys and Jordan stole all the wins they could have had out from underneath them.

Across the board, I’m fascinated by what’s motivating these people to want to win this season. And by far Tony and Cory (and Leroy to a lesser extent) are the ones I’m interested in the most. Because the two of them are playing for validation. Not to validate their life, they have families and plenty of other shit going on. They don’t need The Challenge to validate themselves as people any more.

And obviously, above all else, they’re playing for money. I’m not stupid.

What they possibly hope to gain from finally achieving victory is validation for putting themselves through what they put themselves through on this show. Without a win, what was all that grief for, really? They’ve come out the other side as human beings in the real world, so for them, winning this season could maybe make all that other bullshit this show and MTV as a whole put them through finally worth it.

This is one of those questions any Challenger has to answer at some point. A conclusion Tony has apparently reached, and is also apparently surprised Cory naturally has yet to. Being the best at anything hardly matters when staring down the barrel of TJ’s airhorn in the seconds before an elimination round starts.

At the same time, Cory’s been in a situation where he is consistently losing to some of the best players to ever play. Many of the male championships were gobbled up by very few players in the time Cory has been around. If Johnny, CT, and Jordan didn’t exist, what kind of numbers could Cory have put up?

Except they do. And he didn’t. Now here on Season 40, representing a certain extremely fun, yet baggage filled era of this show, any of those long days spent staring up at the backside of his longtime foils in this game could be erased with a victory here on the grandest stage of them all.

Yet at the same time, as many layers as there are to this one small interaction (I haven’t even written the word ‘pasta’ yet), it only stems from the fact that the only card Tony has left to throw out there is that potentially getting Jordan out is better for Cory’s game than having clumsy ole Tony around. As sincere as the connection between these two long-time rivals is, the roots of the sincerity are equally as insincere.

It’s self-preservation from sun up to sun down. Something these two both know as well as anyone.

Winner: Extreme Close Ups

We have fun here.

Winner: When Your Cousin Unexpectedly Hits It Off With One Of Your Girlfriend’s Friends

What do you think Kyland and Amanda are talking about?

I’m genuinely asking. I gave it at least thirty seconds of thought and came up with nothing. Cara Maria? Yeah, it’s probably Cara Maria.

Winner: Adam and Eve

If there comes a time where the human race is deemed extinguishable by some alien life forms who have arrived on earth with a bloodlust for some unknown reason, these are the two people I want placed in hiding in order to repopulate earth.

Beginning the next round of humans with Panama City Beach Spring Break 1999 King Of The Ring Mark Long and Aneesa would eventually produce a society with flying cars within like six generations.

I stand by this.

Though this will not be the hottest take I have in this article. Stay tuned.

Winner: Steven Glansberg

At first glance of seeing Johnny eating alone, I thought to myself, wow, Johnny must have already pissed off everybody in the house.

But then I considered the idea of eating my meals surrounded by 39 of the most obnoxious people an intricate and detailed casting process could find, and I now realize that maybe Johnny’s the smartest man in the room.

Winner: The Couple Down The Street Who Adam And Eve Pretend To Be Friendly With But Generally Dislike But Are Only Vocal About It Behind Closed Doors

They understand that their version of the next race of human beings is inherently threatened by this potential race of human beings because they were bred in a society which dictates that people who look like this get to generally do whatever the hell they want.

Now that’s a sci-fi novel. Two rival human couples, one friends, one lovers, tasked with creating the next lineage of human beings after an alien invasion wiped out the rest of humanity.

Except to get that made today, Spiderman, or Jon Snow, or both would have to be involved somehow, so, naturally it would be pretty stupid. It’s a good thing we can all just re-watch All Stars 4 again and again for the rest of our lives.

Winner: Zach Bryan Writing A Song Lyric Which Will Play In My Head Over And Over Again For The Next Few Wonderful Months

Lmaoooooooooooooooo

America’s fifth sport!

HOW LUCKY ARE WEEEE!!!!

Winner: New Cool Josh

For those of you who didn’t watch Challenge USA 2 and didn’t witness the Phoenix which rose from the ashes of old, uncool josh, you truly missed out. While the super cool hair, and new tattoos, and generally swaggier wardrobe definitely help, it’s his attitude more than anything else.

The Josh from the Before Times was tentative, walking on egg shells, insecure. This is what we saw on camera, which bumped directly against what we didn’t see which was a nice guy basically every single person seemed to really, really like.

He played the game like someone who was terrified of the game being taken away from him.

Then it was.

And when he came back? He came back as someone who realized that the game being taken away from him kinda doesn’t really matter that much. That The Challenge isn’t real life, despite all of it’s attempts to convince you of such.

New Cool Josh not only understands that, but he doesn’t even care about that. He’s in it to win it. As Jordan himself once said…..

Never before has Josh been able to win. But now? New Cool Josh? It seems to me that he’s mentally in the [bleep] game.

Winner: Flexing For Company

I’m going to frame this and place it in the front entrance of my apartment and when someone asks who that is I’m going to say, “that’s me and my girl and our two kids.”

Loser: These Damn Gen Z Kids

It’s all these damn Gen Z kids wanna do. None of them wanna play sports, they all just want to sit inside and quietly read.

Loser: Seating Options At The Zoo

Every time you wanna sit down at the zoo (I haven’t been to the zoo in a really long time, this is all just a bit, and mostly an excuse to show some CT crotch cleavage (CT Crotch Cleavage is going to be my fantasy football team name this year)) it’s always like come sit on this flamingo’s head or in this case this strange tree-seat contraption.

I could feel this one dying as my fingers trudged their way across the keyboard. It’s not you, it’s me. I promise.

Winner: MTV Zombies

Scenario, you open the front door to your house and what you step into is an alternate universe where these four people are staring at you just like this, what’s your next move?

Oh, one other detail, you’re in the nude.

If I know myself as well as my Spotify algorithm seems to, I’d probably end up doing something like this…

Speaking of Brad…

Loser: Speaking Like Someone Whose Only Knowledge Of The Challenge Is Having Seen All Stars 4, Except You’re CT

Brad doing well in daily challenges has only ever not been a thing the last time we saw him. Why is CT so surprised about this? Did Brad actually beat him, but everyone agreed CT’s obviously more important so they switched the results? Why could Brad have done that was so impressive? Did he paddle the last half with his dick? With his beard? Did he walk across the water? They showed us Brad for like eight seconds, and here’s CT waxing poetic like he’s Bob Costas speaking on watching Mickey Mantle as a child.

Winner: Wearing Your Hat Like This

While you may think Mark looks a little silly, I’ll just let you know that by far the coolest kid in my home town wore his hat exactly the same way.

He had all the coolest stuff. He had a Revolution helmet in pee-wee football, the only kid in the league who did so. He had a full court in his backyard that me, him, and my lifelong best friend went probably 376–15 over the years on during three on three games.

The point is, me and Mark Long are basically best friends. So don’t make fun of his hat.

Loser: The Remaining 34 Cast Members Watching At Home Trying To Figure Out The Last Time They Talked To Mark

I often speak in hyperbole around here, in fact that’s kinda the bit if you haven’t already noticed, but in this case I’m being as serious as serious gets when I say I would do just about anything in order to see a super-cut of Mark listing off how often he talks to each and every single member of the cast.

In fact, keep it going. Remember those 400 Challenge people they were bragging about earlier? I want an update on all of their relationships with Mark. Would that not have been the most compelling confessional of all time?

As a child, I dreamt that all my favorite MTV people would burst from the back of a semi-truck and save me from my boredom. Now that this dream has come true, I have room for one more. One day, if the stars align and adult Brian finally reaches the salvation he’s been desperately seeking, Mark Long will tell me exactly how long it’s been since he spoke to Shauvon.

Winner: This Massive Deliberation Room Set

Is this part of the house?!?!

Where are they?

Where is this?

Camera angles, camera schmangles, this place is enormous. This can’t be also part of where they’re living, can it? If so, Johnny Bananas maybe isn’t the smartest person in the house and is only eating alone because everyone else is choosing to dine in by far the sickest room of any Challenge house in this show’s history.

Well, besides this room, of course…

Winner: The Hair On Johnny’s Head. The Face? I’m Still On The Fence

Johnny’s hair looks fantastic this season. Perfectly layered, just the right length, it’s almost as if one of his best friends who is living a few beds down is a professional barber. Or whatever.

But outside of the show, how much do you think Johnny pays for a haircut?

$100?

$120?

I say $120 plus a generous tip. He seems like that kind of guy.

The facial hair though? Idk, I’m still warming up. It was so jarring during the Traitors reunion that I still haven’t been able to ease my way into it. Definitely looks better, or at least a little less magician-y, with the scruff. Honestly though, with someone like Horacio around, your only hope is to throw up a Hail Mary and pray for a lucky bounce, so I see the vision.

Winner: Power Couples

These are the two hottest lesbians I’ve ever seen in my life.

Loser: Me

Actually, nevermind. These are the two hottest lesbians I’ve ever seen in my life.

Winner: What Is Old Will Always Be New Again, Or Whatever That Saying Is

Yo, hourglasses….kinda dope?

Let’s bring hourglasses back. Put your phone down, turn this big ass piece of glass, and watch the sand drip down like we used to back in Era One.

Between hourglasses and word ‘dipshit’, The Challenge Season 40, in the parlance of our time, is killin’ it.

Loser: The Opening Act

This valiant act, while silly from a game perspective and also stemming from something that none of us will ever understand because it’s none of our business, is about to get totally washed over by what’s to come when Era 4 turns the volume up.

If you thought that was super brave, and sweet, and kind, and an illustration for the the world showing how important friendship over decades can truly be, just wait. You ain’t seen nothin’ yet.

Loser: Not The Message Or The Messenger

During my All Stars 4 recaps, I talked a lot about the difference between message and messenger as it applied to Cara Maria’s communication with Nicole, Laurel, and the rest of the house. During those moments, mostly the idea was that the messenger was much more important than the message.

In this case, both the message and the messenger don’t matter at all. The highest ranking member of the communication totem pole in the case is the audience.

The message is correct, Jordan is certainly less beatable than Tony is. Tony, the messenger, doesn’t even really complicate things the way Cara does. With Tony, the words he says are the words he means. But in this case, the audience, Cory and Tori, doesn’t want to hear it. In fact, I’d say as it applies to this situation, I’d guess they simply don’t care.

Winner: Hard Launches

Does Michele know that Nurys and Horacio are dating irl? Or is this another situation like on Season 39 where she claimed she had fifteen different number ones?

Winner: Organic Pulse Checks

Michele’s crying for no reason at a deliberation which means that she’s alive, which is good to check for every once in awhile.

Winner: Aviv, Woman Of The People

You know what, Aviv? Same here. Sticking with my lazy river analogy from earlier, whatever twists and turns happen to be coming in this game, I’m going to take in stride. It’s going to happen no matter how upset I am about it, so might as well just get along to go along.

But if we can just head over to the wave pool for a second, I do hope that after the Rains of Castamere stops playing over the loud speakers next week, and we’ve sent home eight people from this wedding reception with a crossbow arrow in their necks, that the teams will begin to be a team and work together to defeat the other three Eras.

I want to see Era 2 figure out a difficult situation. I want to see Cara and Laurel and Johnny all working together pretending like they’re three normal people with normal relationships with each other. I want to see Jordan and Devin go so over the top with their leading of the group that Cory begins to question whether they even respect him or not. I want to see Josh and Michele argue over a puzzle piece.

This whole stirring the pot within teams right off the bat is smart, but if the rules stay this way, the numbers game will take over before the end of next week and almost all voting results will be obvious to anyone who gives it three and a half seconds of thought.

Winner: Aviv, A Company Woman

Rumor has it, through my source who has close friendships with several cast members, Aviv actually initially said “But I also don’t have the Battle of the Seasons (2012) everyone has” but then they corrected her and re-filmed this scene.

Winner: Trying Something New By Doing The Same Thing As Always

Just, like, five sentences before this Cara Maria said she was going to try something new and wasn’t going to be defensive. Having her back in my life in this way, rather than the weird way it’s been since she left, is so delightful.

Winner: Getting To A Part Of A Song You’ve Never Heard Before

91 bottles of beer on the wall, 91 bottles of beer…

You take one down, pass it around, 90 bottles of beer on the wall…

Winner: Beers You Found Deep In The Back Of Your Garage Refrigerator Leftover From A Party You Threw Ten Summers Ago

90 bottles of beer on the wall, 90 bottles of beer…

You take one down, pass it around, 89 bottles of beer on the wall…

Winner: Life As A Citizen Of Crazy Town

Isn’t it incredible?

Welcome back Emily!

Light some sage, both literally and metaphorically, and sing it with us this time!

HOW LUCKY ARE WEEEE!!!!

Loser: Considering 39 Other People

The best side characters in any movie are always the ones, both the character and the actor themselves, who think that the movie is actually about them.

In this case, she’s right. The Challenge is, and always has been, about Aneesa. Just don’t tell Cara. Or Johnny. Or Tori. Or Michele. Or Mark. Or Laurel. Or Jordan. Or CT. Or really anyone else here besides, like, Brandon and Jodi.

Winner: Different Results Mean Different Things To Different People

Which, if you combined Cory and Tori’s championships, is still twice as many as they have.

But how do those two particular people feel about Jonna saying to their faces that she’s a two time champ?

What does an All Stars championship mean to someone like Cory or Tori? Two people who have never competed on All Stars. Two people who began their Challenge journey and have lived a hundred Challenge lives since Jonna was last here.

But while the two of them were struggling to climb the mountain top in different ways, Jonna was stacking wins over in some other room of the metaphorical Challenge House. When Jonna says “I’m a two time champ” she’s saying something that Cara Maria and Laurel (Cara Mara and Laurel) would be able to say about themselves as well.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and if I had to take a guess, in his head Cory scoffed at the idea and Tori just day dreamed about the time she tossed Jonna around like a 10 lb. kettle bell during their elimination round on Challenge USA Season 2.

Never in my wildest dreams did I think that in 2024 I would be fascinated by Jonna and the way she moves socially through a Challenge house, yet here we are. Life comes at you fast.

Loser: My Intelligence

Sometimes when I read people breaking down the politics and the votes and everything Amanda’s talking about here I just end up thinking about farts.

Maybe I’m not smart enough, or don’t care enough to figure it out, but I have no idea what Amanda means by that. Somebody does, and I’m not accusing her of not making any sense, nor am I accusing Tori of not understanding her point.

I just don’t get it. I never have. I’ve watched this show a ton, and still have no grasp on things like “my friends are your friends so keeping me safe is keeping you safe”. This isn’t the main reason why I’d be bad at this game, being afraid of heights and being out of shape are the biggest ones, but even if I got in better shape than Jordan and gained the power of flight, the “can’t do this because then this person will do that” aspect of the game will remain the moon to me.

Ideally, someone will reply to this post with an easy to digest explanation for me, but even then, I’ll probably read it and this will be my reaction…

America’s fifth sport!

Winner: My Hottest Take Ever

For the entire time Paulie had power in this game, so basically War of the Worlds 1 & 2, everyone both at home and in the house knew exactly who Paulie was working with at all times. Mostly because he couldn’t stop threatening and shouting at those who weren’t.

But this is just revving my engines, greasing my skids, microwaving my meatloaf.

Let’s give him back the mic and see what happens next…

He said those words as if he hasn’t had the opportunity to belittle Josh on international television, obviously one of his favorite things to do, since 2019.

He also said “word on the street” like he’s Stinkum reporting back to Stringer Bell about what Omar’s been getting up to.

Also, “those people”, in this case, are very clearly The Vacation Alliance. That’s good writing right there. Show, don’t tell. Trust your audience. Don’t hold their hand, just put up the signposts.

Keep going Paulie, we’re almost there…

Theo’s look is perfect. That was everyone sitting at home’s reaction as well.

At least the ones who get the show.

And Theo definitely gets the show.

My hottest take ever is coming, we are so close I promise, but now that Theo’s muse has finally returned to his life, let’s let him have the floor first…

(Lot’s of interesting subconscious phrasing happening by Theo here)

As much enjoyment as I got out of this back and forth, and as much enjoyment as you may have gotten out of it, no one in the world enjoyed this more than Theo and Paulie did.

Back to the show…

This daily challenge they’re arguing about aired on September 18th, 2019.

So much has happened in the world since then. Like, so much.

These people are the best. How can someone not like this show? I don’t understand why it’s not the biggest show in the world I’m convinced everyone besides us are total morons.

Winner: Quick Refreshment Breaks

90 bottles of beer on the wall, 90 bottles of beer…

You take one down, pass it around, 89 bottles of beer on the wall…

Loser: Me, For Getting Sidetracked From The Main Event

When this show was at it’s peak, the stakes were at their lowest and the cast cared the most. The nadir of this show was when that flipped and the stakes were astronomical and the cast seemed to not care at all.

This argument is stupid. None of this matters. Especially considering that losing the daily challenge Paulie is referring to actually ended up not only helping him, but consolidated his power to such a degree that he had the game in a chokehold for the remainder of the season.

Not only that, but even if Theo knew they were going to throw the challenge, what was he supposed to do? He was on the other team. If my opponent walked up to me before the game and said they were going to lose, I’d be like great, thanks for the heads up.

Yet at some point five years and a global pandemic ago, Paulie asked Theo if he knew of Johnny’s plan to throw the daily, and Theo said he did not. Since that day, Paulie has come under the impression that, in fact, Theo did know about it. Therefore, he lied straight to his face.

This is just about as stupid as the Olivia/Michele/Nurys beef that I already forgot the details of from Season 39. In fact, probably even more stupid considering the fallout from each one. Yet, when the three of them bring up their stupid beef, all they do is act passive aggressive about it and make vague threats in confessionals.

Showmanship and playing it up for the cameras or not, this is what we want to see. Have it out. And be actually angry about it. Whether or not it’s true, I deep down believe that Paulie and Theo are genuinely upset about this. Even if they’re both getting more out of it than we are.

Loser: Realizing That The Two Seasons You’ve Done So Far Did Not Adequately Prepare You For Playoff Intensity

Winner: My Hottest Take Ever

Many, many, many variables have been blamed for the perceived rut The Challenge has found itself in over the last couple of years.

Too many explosions, silly spy themes, poor casting choices, too much rookie churn, no cohesive feeder system, dreary locations, not enough sex, not enough booze, boring Big Brother game play, way-too-long seasons, The Vacation Alliance, Tori, insane editing choices, sometimes treating fans like toddlers, Paramount+ sometimes just not working at all for unknown reasons, just how difficult they make it to watch the show as it airs…

I probably missed some, but as far as I know, those are at least a snapshot of the biggest ones. Some I agree with more strongly than others, some I don’t agree with at all.

But none of those are the real reason.

You want to know what The Challenge has been missing?

This is the hottest take I’ll ever give around here…

Paulie.

I know. That’s stupid. One person cannot change that much. But consider who Paulie is, and consider how flaccid and nice the game was played while one single friend group ran the show, then put the two of those together.

Wouldn’t have worked. Oil and water. Toothpaste and orange juice. Paulie would have had no interest in being friends with “those people”, or working in any sort of kumbaya way with “those people”. He might have even gone the Wes route and gathered a bunch of rookies on his side to go after “those people”.

Paulie would have cannonballed his way into the still waters of Seasons 36–38, pissing off everyone, fans, cast, whoever, along the way.

Isn’t that what we have desperately needed in this world?

Look at Theo’s face again. He knows exactly what this this. He knows exactly what’s going on.

He knows what I know.

Now that Paulie’s back, or at least someone’s acting the way Paulie used to, The Challenge is about to be a lot of fun again.

VIVA LA REAL WORLD!!!!

Thanks for reading, due to my new puppy killing any chance at productivity or concentration in the off-season, you still have time to get your questions for the big 200th Article AMA in to fessyfitness200@gmail.com. See you back here soon! And until then, as always, Happy Challenge Watching!!!