Pluto Rewind: Battle of The Exes Episode 3 — Winners & Losers
It’s been quite awhile since I stretched my fingers in this space. The two episode reunion made Double Agents seem much more recent than it was (CT and Amber touched TJ’s leg victoriously in April). And for those of us willing to shill out twelve bucks a month or whatever it is (honestly, anyone that can help me organize and keep track of all the bullshit I pay for in monthly subscription fees, send me a message and I’ll pay you handsomely), All Stars has certainly tended to our Challenge needs.
But now that All Stars is over, and Double Agents is a mere memory, there is a Rancor sized hole to fill in our Challenge lives. Season 37 is probably filming (?) and will be out around fall-ish (?)(I honestly have no idea don’t quote me), but until then, what are we supposed to do?
Luckily for us, Pluto TV has a channel that literally plays The Challenge 24/7. And if it weren’t for the insufferably recycled commercials, it would just be on as the soundtrack to my life 24/7.
So in honor of that, I’m going to debut a new off-season gimmick that I promise (hopefully) I will stick to regularly (probably) through the off-season.
The plan is, I’ll just randomly turn on The Challenge Pluto channel, and whatever episode is playing at the time, I’ll retroactively do a Winners & Losers about. And we’ll just see where this takes us. It’s possible this won’t work at all, I’ll scrap it, and we won’t see each other again until Season 37…
This time around, we land on Battle of the Exes Episode 3, titled “Where Did Our Love Go”
Winner: Prank Wars
A.k.a., “Let’s just destroy the house kind of, but mostly just throw water on each other”. If there’s anything this show has been missing in recent years, it’s just things like a thirty second clip of CT dressed in all black throwing water on Cara Maria. Ya know? It’s really not a ton of episode real estate we’re asking for. Not like I’m trying to build a tax-payer funded stadium in the middle of a city. It’s simple, it’s fun watching other people have fun.
Winner: Generic Music
Wow, I forgot how awful the music used to be!!! It’s so generic it’s beyond generic. It was always astonishing to me how excited myself and everyone else was about the incredible turn the soundtrack has taken in recent seasons, on a show that airs on MTV… but re-watching this episode reminded me of exactly why.
I’m not kidding, next time you end up watching this era of episodes, just close your eyes and listen to the music only. It’s so bland it hurts. Like this music shops at Kohls, works in middle management, and thinks any record Drake puts out slaps.….holy shit I just described myself. Moving on.
Winner: The Samsung Galaxy 2
Shout out to typed text messages that are never sent/Notes apps for being the mid-2010’s Challenge MVP’s.
Loser: Arbitrary Health and Safety Protocols
Of all the injuries they’ve let people play through over the years, Dustin and Heather being sent home because he cut his knee open is a pretty baffling decision. I mean, how bacteria infested were the areas they were filming this season? Just bandage that shit up? I’m not a doctor, but a bartender I work with watched the entirety of ER while our restaurant was closed, so I’m basically halfway there.
Loser: Us
You guys just couldn’t find a way to get Heather back, huh? Just for the sake of 21 year old me (Nany and Heather both on one Real World season? Sheesh.), let’s bring back an old gimmick. You were gone too soon, Heather.
Winner: Me
Randomly landing on a trivia episode for the rollout of a new gimmick is like playing life on easy mode. But I’ll take it…
Winner: Corporate Synergy
Winner: Aaron Drake
Abram seems like the type of guy who has a million different interests. He does construction or something. He wrote a children’s book. He has scars all over his body. I don’t know, these are all just things he’s either said or shown me over the years.
The point is, those are not the attributes of someone who has any idea who Brittany Spears is dating at any given moment. Losers like me who care way too much about stupid things like that (totally knew the answer #humblebrag) need to get real hobbies.
Winner: Casinos Everywhere in 1994
Close, but he actually retired to become a professional gambler.
Loser: Diem
Etiquette? Jesus.
Paula got ‘Calculator’. Tough break.
Loser: Kyle, Georgia, Levi, George, Big T, etc.
“And without any of that, we never would have thought of a theme for War of the Worlds 2"…BOOM. Red white and blew you back across the pond.
Winner: Aneesa’s Theatrics
Aneesa is a Hall of Famer for a lot of reasons. But I think her best move might be “make a daily challenge totally about me regardless of whether I win, lose, or compete.”
Leave it to her to fall worse than everyone else, end up in the back of an ambulance, and leave her partner hanging. Instead of, you know, just falling a different way and/or covering your face? This ability, over anything else is why Aneesa keeps getting invited back.
Winner: Paula’s Politics
But not in the traditional sense.
Paula was awesome at leveraging her long-time relationships into alliances with the stronger people in the house. But she had almost no tact when trying to weaponize it. It was all surface level and insultingly obvious. But once she had such strong legs to stand on, and even stronger partners, it almost didn’t matter.
Watching her scurry around the house basically getting strong armed by both Emily/Ty and Cara/Abram even though she was the one with the power was a fun trip down memory lane. It’s not great for her game necessarily, but it’s so much more interesting to watch than the Moneyball/Big Brother era we’re in now.
Loser: Cara Maria
Jesus Christ Cara. Just dress regular. Unbelievable.
Winner: Wiz Khalifa
Shout out to TJ’s shirt. Shout out Pittsburgh. Shout out to Adam Frazier. Shout out to Troy Palomalu. Shout out to the movie Striking Distance with Bruce Willis which is the greatest and only movie about river cops that takes place in Pittsburgh ever made.
Loser: Table Space
I remember playing the “use every possible inch of my bedside table” game. It’s a dangerous relic of a time before I was clean and organized. What am I talking about? My room still ends up looking like that depending on the level of tequila consumption I reached that week. Moving on…
Loser: Crazy Ex’s
We’ve all been there. Having to live with and compete for a lot of money with an ex that we met living in Washington D.C. while filming The Real World. It’s one of those situations that’s relatable across the board.
Really the only difference between our life, and Ty’s life at this time, was that none of our crazy ex’s were also maniacally obsessed with working out.
Watching Emily slowly follow Ty around a narrow hallway saying “wanna jump rope?” like a cross-fit obsessed Michael Myers is one of the scariest situations ever depicted on national television.
Loser: Leroy
Remember on Double Agents, when Fessy was sitting in that cave waiting for Amber to finish those math problems, and he was all like “wahh, i cant even play this year, wahhh the coach hates me wahhh everyone sucks but me wahhh” or whatever he said?
This was what not being able to play looks like. Nobody’s had shittier partners than Leory. Naomi rocked from a “housemate on the Real World” perspective. But tethered to my friend/barber Leroy in a competitive setting was disappointing to me.
Winner: Abram
He drew his shirt. Like that was a regular Under Armor shirt that was in his swag-bag on the bed when he arrived, and then he drew on it.
That’s pretty awesome if you ask me. I, personally, would never under any circumstance do that. But, ya know, different strokes.
Thanks for reading! Great to be back! Be sure to check back soon for the next iteration of Pluto Rewind where I’ll be going over whichever episode Pluto decides to throw at me. Until then, I hope your dinner plates stay full, your dividends stay consistent, and you absolutely smash it this week!
